Sunday, December 03, 2006

Tears in the Dressing Room

okay, I am such a loser!

I am 6 months out and 10 lbs from goal. I went to Target to find some work pants for tomorrow, took in two pair, a size 10 (personally doubting that I stand a chance) and a size 12, fully expecting them to be fine, maybe tight.

the 12's were falling off and the 10's were loose.

I put on the Large sweater, it was too big, and the Medium sweater was tight across the bust, but too loose on the tummy.

and I felt my eyes well up and I swallowed more than when I am starting to dump. I knew the day was coming but I never really let myself BELIEVE that it was coming. I am not even to GOAL but my body has changed so drastically, I just do not BELIEVE it. it is just so emotional in that little room. ;)

now I realize that I will continue to loose some more, but I do not know for how long. that has been a fear in the back of my head, it just keeps shrinking. clothes that I bought just 4 weeks ago hang on me like some bag woman.

so I put both pairs back, they were full price $30 a pair and since it is obvious that they will just fall off in 3 weeks, I might as well keep going to the resale shop until my body slows down.

I tried to talk to my husband about it, but I seriously think that he is getting tired of talking about it. his mom is painfully thin and she said this week that she is a UK14, and here I am a US 10, which is the same size, but the 10 is 'loose' and so I am thinking that I will be a US 8/UK12 by my birthday in 3 weeks. he really does not want me to compare myself to anyone else, is normally good advice, but for some reason today it is irking me. I think that was what got hubby going. my trying to convert to UK sizes since he swears that american sizes are this and that, and UK sizes are this and that and his mom is this and that and he just can not believe that I am a size smaller than his mom! I will have to post a photo of her. to me it is a freak of nature that I would be smaller than her. to him it is physiologically impossible. HEEHEE

there is a clothing place here that loans prego clothes to low income moms. they bring them back and get the next size larger. very kewl. I just wish that they had that for WLS patients. what a blessing that would be.

so I had my cry, I left the store with the same baggy clothes I had and I still have the same problem. I hate buying clothes for 4 weeks. so now I am getting crabby. ;) I have issues.

for some reason this brain can not wrap around the idea of buying smaller. I just cant do it. I know I will shrink, but for years I had a size smaller in my closet with tags on and it just drove me insane. THEN I had surgery and had to give them away with the tags. it just made me

I know I am a great success, but I swear, I keep waiting for the bubble to burst and to start gaining or something. I am still in disbelief! I just do not know what I love anymore. my goal was a size 10 rather than a 'weight' goal. and now I am there, I am going on down. I really do not know how I feel about a size 8. very confused emotionally.

thank you for reading my blog. it is really the 'ramblings of a mad woman' according to my dh. heehee but he is from Norway, and well, scandinavians have their own issues.

I have been lax in my blog, so freaking busy at work. gracious, it is a good thing. I have had 63 customers this month, that is like more than in the last 3 years combined. freaks me out. heehee

I am so not a clothes whore. I am not a shoe whore. I AM STILL IN MY ORIGINAL SHOES. that is pretty bad.

I am a clearance wrack baby, no doubt about it. but they didnt have squat for WARM clothes on that rack and it is colder than a witches-tit in December here right now. so I HAVE to get some seasonal stuff.

I know shopping is supposed to be fun, and it USED to be, but ttthhhhbbbbb. I hate this. I really truly do.

oh oh oh about selection. I am not kidding you, I was sad that two of the shirts that I REALLY LIKED were in the PLUS Sizes. freaking made me go nuts. all the nice clothes are in the plus, all the teeny-bopper clothes are in mine, and I want GROWN UP CLOTHES. obviously I am shopping in the wrong store, but still!

I do not like the button all the way down shirts, I do not like the gathered at the waist shirts. I do not like the spaghetti strap shirts. LOL I am such a mess.

and CHECK OUT YOUR new photo! whoo hoo, hot momma!

had my 6 month visit with wongsa, made him giggle. we talked about my next 6 month goal, and he freaked when I said 'you suggested 140 on our last visit' and he asked me to stand up and show him where I would find that extra 10 lbs. heehee I grabbed my tummy, and he was like, that is SKIN, you can worry about that in 18 months when you go to the plastic surgeon. do not lose the 10lbs under it, then you will be TOO SKINNY. nuts.

Eventually I will be MAINTAINING. yes, I can see being a total clothes slut! I will be out there buying myself into debt easily. but during the losing, it just makes me insane. I just pulled three shirts that are XL and I remember standing in the changing room and my daughter telling me that they were too big, buy smaller and I didnt because I really didnt think I would get smaller. that was in AUGUST. here it is DEC and they will not stay on my shoulders and cover my bra. I adjust my shirt to cover my bra more in an hour than I do any thing else. it is my own fault.

I have a wedding coming up in 6 weeks and I can not go buy a dress for it because I have no freaking idea what size I will be. just makes me impatient!