Tuesday, May 30, 2006

“Twas The Night Before Bypass”

'Twas the night before bypass, when all through my gut not a morsel was stirring, not even a nut.
The suitcase was packed by the back door with care, in hopes that a new me would soon return there.
I lay nestled, snug in my bed while visions of calories danced in my head; and me in my plus size pajamas and wrap, had just settled in for a long, restless nap.
When deep in my mind there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my dreams to see what was the matter.
Away to my fridge I flew like a flash, ripped open the door and drooled at the stash.
The moonlight reflecting off the beautiful snacks gave a luster of radiance to all on the racks.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but an array of the comfort foods I hold so dear.
With a familiar feeling of all those I'd pick, I thought in a moment I just might be sick.
More lovely than angels their voices they came, and they whistled and shouted and called me by name;
"Now pizza, now French fries, now chocolate galore, on cheesecake, on ice cream, on donuts and more!"
From the tip of my tongue, to the bottom of my toe, I will miss you all more than ever you'll know.
As an addict that shakes and stirs as he sits, I'll mourn the loss of my delectable hits.
So back to my bed I went with great haste, and settled back down with nary a taste.
And then in an instant, in pre-op I sat, nervously waiting to no longer be fat.
As I sat deep in thought and adjusted my gown, In came my surgeon in one single bound.
He was dressed all in scrubs, from his head to his feet and he seemed very calm as he eyed me like meat.
He looked at my chart, with his scope gave a listen, I don't think he noticed my eyes starting to glisten.
He was chubby and plump -- he could lose some himself, and I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke barely a word as he prepped for his work, he paused for a moment, then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger aside of his face, and giving a nod, out of the room he did race.
He checked in the next day, to his students gave a whistle, and away they all flew like a down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim as he walked out of sight, "speedy thinness to you and a healthier life!"

Monday, May 29, 2006

Filet Mignon

oh baby, that was delicious! moist, juicy, and gone way too fast!

today was warm chicken broth and coffee for breakfast
followed by a delicious zesty vegetable broth and free and clear strawberry kiwi Coolaid for lunch and
tonight will be a scrumptious roasted Beef broth with lemon water (2006 vintage)

I discovered that I am allergic to red dye 40, so no crystal light, Popsicles or jell-o today.

I will be in the hospital for 48 - 72 hours.

day one will be surgery and ice chips all day/night

day two will be .33 oz sips of water for breakfast and .5 oz of meat and .5 oz of broccoli for lunch and again for dinner.

if all goes well, I will go home that night.

then every day until June 7th, I will have 1 oz of broth three times a day and 60 oz of water, (.33 oz each 10 minutes).

June 8th, I go in and get my staples from my belly (laporoscopic) removed, and start eating .5 oz of meat and .5 oz of leafy green vegetables for breakfast, lunch and again for dinner. each month, I will progress up 1 ounce until December 1st when I will be able to each 6 - 8oz of meats and leafy green vegetables, three times a day.

June = 1 oz a meal
July = 2 oz a meal
August = 3 oz a meal
September = 4 oz a meal
October = 5 oz a meal
November = 6 oz a meal
December = 7 oz a meal

Sunday, May 28, 2006

the blah blah blah's

I do love the feedback. here is my 'perspective'

I have given birth to 5 extremely large children (twins were 6lb 8oz EACH, (13 lbs total) Naomi a tiny 7lb 8oz and Erik a little bit bigger 8 lb 9 oz, Magnus the last one was 11 lb 3 oz). with the twins, I lost the weight, all but 5 lbs in 5 days. (211 - 155) that was pretty impressive. but as many know, with the next one, it is harder, and with the next one it is easier, and with the next one it is harder to take off the baby weight.

where I saw the pounds creep up significantly was starting college, mid terms and finals and hamburgers and pizza and anything that was quick and easy to fix was my choice just to get back to studying. not to mention being 10 minutes late in the morning and $1.00 in the vending machine for a bag of something and a coke was too often.

the first step was a program called LifeSteps, a 16 week program about nutritional choices, calorie counting, emotional eating, and exersize. in 6 months, I lost 20 lbs. I knew the nutrition, I knew the foundations. it didn't seem to help, choosing a happy meal instead of a value meal cut the calories in 1/2, but didn't make any changes.

the second step was Fat Busters, after all "fat makes you fat" so I did the lean and mean diet, moving to lose, and counting the fat grams. I lost 20 lbs in 6 months, but it didn't last.

then came Sugar Busters, reduce your sugars... blah blah blah

then came Atkins, lean meats and low carb... blah blah blah

then came vegetarian, blah blah blah

I tried the Y membership, the Gym Membership, aqua therapy, walking, biking, yada yada yada. all in all, I have probably lost and gained 1000 lbs total. the same 50 three times in the last 4 years. I live with the food nazi, so you can imagine just how strict he is with food in the house. no chips, no cookies, no cakes, no donuts, no ice cream, no soda, no fun. ;)

This spring, I started getting some serious heart rhythm issues. really gave me a start. I am active, pedal 5-10 miles every other day or so, walk a lot, can work a 10 hour wedding with a 5 lb camera and do pretty good, so I was very surprised when I hesitantly asked my doctor (whom I see every 90 days) if she thought that gastric bypass would be a good choice considering my family history of cancer and diabetes and my history of rheumatoid arthritis and was given a firm yes. her referral got the ball rolling and very quickly.

backtracking 4 years ago, I attended a funeral of a sweet college in my husbands office, he lived 2 weeks after his gastric bypass, developed staff infection and died. considering gastric bypass was to me tantamount to suicide. however. with all the history of what is going on, it became readily appearent that I was running out of time.

I ended up selecting the strickest most conservative doctor in the field, with the highest success rate, the lowest complication rate, and in general, considered a real difficult guy. rather than set out to convince him that I needed this, I let him tell me what he thought I needed. that might have messed with his head a bit. ;) I swear my husband I had him laughing in the office and I have heard many swear that he does not have a sense of humor. but ultimately, I never told anyone what I thought I needed, but I did present the weight history, which is objective, the doctor supervised diet, objective, and everything else for the past 20 years. The results were unanimous.

the papers were submitted to the insurance company, and were instantly approved, also unusual considering that as a rule, they are initially rejected as a default. It is considered last option. it is limited to morbidly obese. I was the lucky winner of an all expense paid trip to Cypress Fairbanks Hospital.

The doctor set me on a 'lifetime' diet that would make most Atkins fans faint, and 90% of the Gastric Bypass patients quiver. Lean Meats and Leafy green vegetables. PERIOD. forever. I have done my best for the last 90 days and adopted. I can see that it is beneficial long term and I have learned to live with it. I can not say that it is my ideal but it would appear that due to the short term change in my body, that I was completely carbohydrate intolerant. how freaky is that? I eat as much as I want, at each meal, not between, I am not hungry between, and I have lost on average 10 lbs a month. for some reason my body metabolism, even with 30 - 120 minutes a day of exersize, could not shake the carbs. eating homemade whole grain breads, no prepackaged preprocessed foods, and limited to 1200 cal a day with no trans fats and not commercial snacks, I was still gaining up to 10 lbs a month.

now all the drugs that I have been taking for Rheumatoid Arthritis have not helped, and being off of Celebrex and Prednisone has not been a picnic either. I swore that I could not move without them, but I am trusting that by losing 100 lbs that it will be easier to exersize.

I am not indecisive about the surgery, I am just scared. I kept thinking along the last 3 months, if I can loose 10 a month on my own, I could do it all on my own, but the longer I progressed, the less I could keep to the diet, and started to sneak and sabotage myself. so I am more convinced.

it was also very difficult to accept that we would take $2500 out of the family savings to pay for this. I am not the type to spend that kind of money on me. in my mind, it would be better spent on paying off the car, or a credit card, or something. always putting my health last is possibly a contributing factor to this ongoing issue. once my husband sat down Tuesday and wrote the check to the hospital. it was a 100 lb weight off my heart and mind.

I was back to riding my bike, but it has already gotten so hot here in houston, that sverre went to Play it again Sports and got me a stationary bike for the tv room and it works much better for me. I can easily get my 10+ miles a day in.

so now the final few days are here. today and Monday are my last day's of solids. Tuesday is clear liquids and Wednesday is the surgery. I have had some friends over last night for a prayer to give me strength and comfort. I am still worried that I am not getting everything done before the surgery. a current will, a last letter to my children explaining why. a copy of the digital photo album for each of my children, stuff like that. but instead, I have been doing things like playing chinese checkers with them, playing checkers with them, just taking a moment to snuggle with them. and maybe I will get all that other stuff done, and maybe I wont. I have spent time just talking to my husband and while we know that there is some serious consequences, so is driving in traffic and flying on an airplane and eating at mcdonalds. ;-) I have to have faith that no having any obstacles has been a "sign" that this is the path for me. Because I have seen my biological father effectively paralyzed by type ii diabetes and gout and he is just a humongous balloon now and I seriously doubt that he will survive considering his current health and it all came down to choices. He didn't make any changes, and I have explored them all in 20 years and this is the last one.

I do believe that a large part of my success will be a strong spirit to survive and psychological positive energy. you have to 'beleive' that you can beat it, any of it. cancer. arthritis. obesity. depression. you just have to. and you can not do it alone. you have to have friends and humor or what is the point?

Friday, May 26, 2006

Make a choice

I have been 'upset' and my house has been messy, today it is so clean, that even my pot holders, kitchen towels, and kitchen washcloths are folded neatly in their drawer.

I picked up the floor last night, the entire first story, sverre vacuumed every inch, I moved all the furniture, so that he got under EVERYTHING

then upstairs today, I finally got EVERYTHING picked up and ran the roomba for three battery cycles to get it all cleaned.

I feel much better. the boys are watching PBS and I am drinking my BUBBAJUG of water. (52 oz) second today.

oh check this out


A person who is 255 pounds
and is exercising for 0 minutes ,
is not pregnant,
is not breastfeeding,
does not live at a high altitude,
does not live in a dry climate,
drinks 3 caffeinated drinks ,
drinks 0 alcoholic drinks ,
when it is very hot or very cold,
and is sick with fever or diarrhea should have:

146.5 ounces of water today, or 4.4 liters.
If you eat a healthy diet, about 20 percent of your water need may come from the foods you eat. If you eat a healthy diet you can drink 117.2 ounces of water today, or 3.5 liters.

many have heard the story of someone who knew someone that died after surgery. I am right there with you. only I actually was at the funeral. my husband's coworker had the surgery in 2001 and died within two weeks. my husband is terrified to tell anyone at his work that I am having the surgery. he knows they would freak. I have asked him what he remembers about the man. what I remember is that he was beyond BMI 50+ and he could not ride a bike and he got 'stapled' and had great difficulty getting approved after repeatedly denied.

but what I can tell you is that that was 5 years ago. the doctors have perfected this and improved tremendously in 5 years. that he already had let himself go past a 'safe' point for him, he had issues that were unique to him. not me.

so I have had to calm myself, I have had to disassociate what happened to him with a different doctor, in a different hospital, in a different part of the learning curve and a totally different metabolism. my doctor has prepared my body differently than other doctors. my doctor has prepared me for three months on the lifestyle diet, not two weeks. totally different circumstances with each individual.

surround yourself with supportive people. be selective of whom you tell and whom you do not. 'fear factor' will not help you heal your self. one of the things that has helped me was getting past pre-registration. I was so bad emotionally that I wrecked my car into a parked truck on my way to the doctor for my final weigh in.

my husband did not freak. he said it was just a stupid car. no big deal. and we continued on the plan. he went with me to the hospital to register and kept me company. even told the nurse he was supportive.

at that point, once the expenses were taken care of, I calmed down. I would never spend that much money on me. and the surgery was a luxury IMO. but he considered it a necessity. so here we are. 5 days away and I am profoundly calm. everything is scheduled, everything is arranged. all the parts are in place.

one of my biggest issues was that if I could lose the preop weight on my own, 23# then why couldnt I do the other 103 on my own, after all I have will power. but eventually I figured it out, what I said was true that first day. I can do anything for 90 days. but on the 91 day I usually bail. I just can not do it. I have to have a kolache, I have to have just one flour tortilla, just a tiny bit of apple pie, and then I am SUNK.

today I tried and failed to take my child into a no-no-zone, and I couldnt stop. the lady offered a kolache and I cracked. I felt neasiated the rest of the day, sick that I couldnt cope, sick that I could gain so close to surgery and sick that when it comes right down to it. I just can not do it on my own.

each day I worry that I will not survive the next week, the next month, but all I can do is play with my son, take my daughter to the movies, ride bikes with my other son and live today. it is all psychological. the will power to get better the will power to get worse. that type of will power I have. I can choose to live.

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a lovely and well-preserved body, but rather a skid to broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "WOW! What a ride!"

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Unleashing The Masses

I have just started to tell people, just incase anything happens, it will not be a shock. so far most people are very supportive. almost everyone has a friend that did it or something and all are doing well.

I did get an email today from someone that thinks that a drink mix (reliv) is the solution, totally ignoring that this is totally and 300% under medical evaluations, I literally have three different doctors in three different practices in three different zip codes that have done the exams and blood work and agree that 'for me' this is the best solution.

how else can we explain that in 79 days I have lost 23 lbs without limiting calories, just carbohydrates? obviously I am one of 'those' so by permanently removin the absorbtion part of the intestinal tract, I can spend less time obsessing on weight and more time obsession on aperature and shutter speed.

and I was SOOOO Outgoing 100 lbs ago, I was the one to talk to at a party, I was the welcoming committee, now I NEVER leave the house, I hate to go to parties. and when I go, I have a snack and wait for someone to include me and 'wow, surprize of surprizes' no one talks to me. that will change when my body catches up to my personality again.

thinking about my mortality:

In 1968, for a few minutes I drown in a swimming pool, but the motel manager found me.

was rushed to the hospital in 1974 when I went blasting through the house, flew down the stairs and nailed my head on a low hanging beam, split my head open and had to have 5 stitches

I died again in 1975, I drown in a swimming pool (AGAIN) and some kids found me, I was so far gone, my lungs were 100% full of chlorine water, and my body has -0- color, I didn't know that you turn black under water, all the movies are fake.

nearly passed away in 1990 during the delivery of my third child, the nurse didn't check during the pushing part, left me with my husband and mother, and I was covered with a sheet so they didn't know that I was hemorrhaging.

I was in a pretty serious car-wreck and hit a granite mountain in 1992, and my head literally went through the rear view mirror, and through the windshield, I should have died but had just one scratch.

in 1996 I was driving down a little two lane side road, when a dodge truck came flying out of a gas station and plowed right into the driver side of the car, peeling the driver door back from the hinge like a can of sardines

I was so very in danger of dying in 2003, my husband fell asleep at the wheel and we went over a ravine, through a fence, snapped off several wooden fence posts, past a power-line guide wire and came to rest near an extremely busy freight train track (two trains blasted past before the wreckers (took two to get the car of the pit). I knew I was not going to survive, reached around to say good bye to my older son, strapped into his car-seat, I was not wearing a seatbelt and knew there was no time, and no point, however, we had 5 miracles in 5 seconds that morning. the fence post busted and part of it punched into the side window, narrowly missing Erik's head, but sprinkling shattered glass all around him in his car-seat, and punched right back out again, leaving a hole smaller than a saucer. missing that guide wire by about 10 feet was something, I do not know if the posts, the guide wire or what busted the front bumper and the rear bumpers in half, but the passenger side 1/2's just blew off like Frisbees. I do know that the fence post's sheared off everything on the passenger side of the car, no side mirrors, no door handles, nothing was left. but I will tell you that the ravine was the freakiest part. I saw it coming up, 25ft across, 10ft deep and a car that is only 15ft long, there was absolutely no explanation for what happened, it was as if the hand of god slide under the chassis because the drivers side was never airborne, just the passenger side.

the miracles that I have survived are even more than I can detail but have occurred none the less. I do not know what my purpose is here, why I am 'still here' when all is said and done, I have completed the tasks that I am supposed to in the opportunities that I have been granted. was it to inspire my own children? to inspire my colleagues? to inspire someone? anyone? not that I have not continuously thought about my choices making a difference to someone in the short time I have here period. I have never taken for granted that I would be here, I am really surprised that I have lasted this long. ;)

my husband has asked me to take a few moments and make some notes of my last wishes in case, I swear, does he have any idea how long that would take. all the mass emails, all the mass online posts. ;) I have spent more time getting to know my online friends than I have my IRL friends. course he was probably talking about inconsequential crap like casket or urn, paper or plastic, where to be buried, like that means anything. ;)

but since it is not an issue, I am going to get through this as well, there is no need to fuss about stuff like that. ;)

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

PreRegistration Blues

I scheduled my registration about 10 days ago, and immediately the financial department called up wanting 15% of the anticipated cost as a deposit. freaking blood sucking commies. I chose to ignore cash, check, or charge IN FULL before REGISTRATION. what a crabby little vixen she is. Went in to the appointment, very innocent like, and make arrangements for 1/2 now and 1/4 in a month and 1/4 in a month after that. *sigh* I figured someone would be reasonable in the end.

did all the forms, all the information, got all the diet and procedural plans (nice well laid out packet, mental note for my own business). Completed one more blood draw. on my way. send out some announcements yesterday to my friends, got a TON of support, wow.

I have been working towards wls for 77 days, I have 9 days to go and I have changed my mind more times in the last 77 days than I have about anything else in my life. I do not like to yoyo back and forth like this, to constantly second guess myself.

taking ownership of my lifestyle and food intake choices has been difficult for me. I know that I have issues just like 'everyone else' but, it still amazes me that they have consequences on my exterior body. Most friends and intimate family (husband and children) do not see that there is a need for weight loss and obviously see 'me' rather than my body. this is a good thing.

my extended family (parents and grandparents) are just the opposite, they almost obsess over my weight, every single conversation involves asking if there has been a weight loss since I was 20 years old. while I am partially doing it to get them off my back, the ultimate reason for wls is the physical health issues I have been experiencing in the last 4 months. my heart feels like it is getting irregular and could be showing signs of giving out. fine. time to change something.

the support of Krystal has been very sweet, she thinks that it will be a kick to my previous 'relationships' with a return to my 20 year old's body and a 'kick in the ass to them that blew me off'. I can see that as a bonus, but definitely not the objective. surviving is the objective. surviving this week, this month, and this year.

after all, my children need someone to boss them around, I flatter myself as the matriarch of the family. So here I am, 9 days away and terrified that something could go wrong. I have a very close friend that loves her new body 3 years out and another friend that was my husbands colleague that died within two weeks as a result. I have another close friend that is a widow because her husband did not have the surgery. So I am still torn, and I really think that it is a crap-shoot.

Either way, I and I alone have to make the choice, follow the guidelines and keep my spirits up. It is my choice. Of all the things that I think that it is, the easy way out it is not. *sigh*

I think that I am my own worse enemy, the things that go through my head are 10x worse than what anyone says to me.

today was a good day. Erik wore the wrong kind of shoes (flipflops) so I had to zip over in the morning and drop of nazi approved sneakers. he graduates from Kindergarten in 2 days. Magnus will start Kindergarten in 3 months. it is all going by so fast.

Mmhhhwwwwaaaahhhh (*kiss*)

KAtkins Menu:
breakfast: boiled eggs, coffee
lunch: straweberry protein shake

Exersize: 2.5 miles on the bicycle

Sunday, May 21, 2006

weight yoyo

As the day for the procedure draws closer, my panic level raises and my tolerance level drops. I find myself worrying about getting everything done in time to prepare for the worst. what if's keep popping up in my mind. Things that I need to say and do before I do the deed.

I have been working towards wls for 76 days, I have 10 days to go and I have changed my mind more times in the last 76 days than I have about anything else in my life. I do not like to yoyo back and forth like this, to constantly second guess myself.

Taking ownership of my lifestyle and food intake choices has been difficult for me. I know that I have issues just like 'everyone else' but, it still amazes me that they have consequences on my exterior body. Most friends and intimate family (husband and children) do not see that there is a need for weight loss and obviously see 'me' rather than my body. this is a good thing.

My extended family (parents and grandparents) are just the opposite, they almost obsess over my weight, every single conversation involves asking if there has been a weight loss, since I was 20 years old. while I am partially doing it to get them off my back, the ultimate reason for wls is the physical health issues I have been experiencing in the last 4 months. my heart feels like it is getting irregular and could be showing signs of giving out. fine. time to change something.

the support of my darling daughter #2 has been very sweet, she thinks that it will be a kick to my previous 'relationships' with a return to my 20 year old's body and a 'kick in the ass to them that blew me off'. I can see that as a bonus, but definitely not the objective. surviving is the objective. surviving this week, this month, and this year.

after all, my children need someone to boss them around, I flatter myself as the matriarch of the family.

So here I am, 10 days away and terrified that something could go wrong. I have a very close friend that loves her new body 3 years out and another friend that was my husbands colleague that died within two weeks as a result. I have another close friend that is a widow because her husband did not have the surgery. So I am still torn, and I really think that it is a crap-shoot.

Either way, I and I alone have to make the choice, follow the guidelines and keep my spirits up. It is my choice. Of all the things that I think that it is, the easy way out it is not. *sigh*

I am finding that lately, my mind and body are balking at the restrictions in my diet. I am re'reviewing all the limitations and knowing that this has been a real PITA for the last 76 days. I have not had a weight change/loss in 10 days. that concerns me.

While I do have a cautious support sytem of friends, they have a trepidatious heart that this will work out well. I know that there are risks. I do know that I am making progress over the last 76 days, but as I explained to the doctor, I can do anything for 90 days and then I just do not have the 'staying power' to continue. I feel heavy hearted, and nervous. what if's are pretty traumatic thoughts. there are some that are much better off, some that are better, some that are worse off and some that are just flat dead from this. course there are some that are all that without any surgery. it is a real crap shoot.

I have no answers to life's questions, I am making this up as I go along, like everything else I have ever done. I just hope that my being here has improved the lives of those who have known me.

KAtkins Menu:
breakfast: grilled salmon, scrambled eggs, smoked salmon, coffee
lunch: teaspoon peanut butter

exersize: nada

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Slinkies & Coffee

[[ Some people are like slinkies, they don't really have a purpose, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.]]

that just made my day! Mother's day is over, for yet another year. Bar-b-Que ribs, green beans and good company. Tissue Paper flowers, pipe cleaner stems in a painted wylers cardboard can, a couple of cards and a single red rose. a bitchin' computer that S*C*R*E*A*M*S, life is pretty darn good.

am I in a good mood? not today. neck ache, back ache, probably dehydrated. I think I need nap already. I know I want some carbs!
talked to financial at th hospital, $1500 cash up front, POLEEZE! do I look like I got money growing out of my exceptionally large derrier? I so don't think so. talked to my insurance, they said that prepaying was not acceptable, and for me to tell the hospital to take a flying leap.

KAtkins Menu:
breakfast: Eggs, cheese, coffee
lunch: turkey slices, cheese, romaine lettuce "wraps", sugar free tang
dinner: zucchini, chicken, cheese, sugar free tang
snack: low carb yogurt, protein bar

Exersize. blah blah blah

Monday, May 15, 2006

Rise and Shine

up and at 'em. first thing out of bed, make the bed, pick up the room, move from one room to the next, got the entire house clean, including sorting all the clean laundry and hauling it to the individual rooms, trash hauled to the curb, and company ready (other than vaccuming in 30 minutes).

Got Erik off to school, Sverre off to work. Magnus and I peddled around the neighborhood, I took a protein shake, he a water bottle. 2 miles all before 830 am, came back home, made breakfast of eggs with cheese and coffee. Magnus is putting together puzzles, my laptop computer is recharging and I am going to get the last daycare pictures proofed today. it is a beautiful day outside and I am feeling pretty good. still cant believe that I knocked off 2 miles before 8:30 am. that is just nuts.

I really need to get my hard drive sorted out today.aw, and there is the phone. my WLS buddy in Wisconsin. ;) she is talking about her sports bra fitting. she is just too funny.

KAtkins Menu:
Breakfast: protein shake, eggs w/ cheese, coffee
Lunch: broccoli, cheese, chicken breast, sugar free tang
snack: protein bar
Dinner: bar-b-que ribs, green beans, water

Exersize: bicycle for 2 miles

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Just 24 Hours

why can I not go 24 hours and believe that WLS is the right choice? I have a chart on the wall, plotting my progress, I started at 275, and my first goal is 225, the weight that I was at 10 years ago when I moved to Houston. It seemed a reasonable goal. not the full 135 lbs but 50.. and really it is just 40 lbs from Post Erik Pre Magnus weight. and why do women mark before pg and after pg weights as magic markers? must be some kind of wierd.

anyways. I soo the scales slowly going down, at a pretty good rate. 25 lbs in 60 days. completely reasonable. so another 60 and I will be at the first goal. so what is the point of the risk? .02% die. those are not good odds. the doctor's office said 1 in 300, those are REALLY not good odds. why? my buddy in Wisconsin keeps encouraging (she never had a single problem, but then again, she had to gain weight to get qualified.) I just wish there was a majic wand that would tell me, you will not have complications. you will not dump. you will not die. that would be a good thing. NOT DIE.

I konw that most of success / failure is mind over matter. I know this. but even today, had the worst feeling when I smelled sverre baking cinnamon rolls. it is so not fair. after 2 months, I can not have them. and I want them. and I hate smelling them. after 60 days of him baking them every single sunday, I gave up and ate one, and he had the audacity to be SUPRIZED! HELLO! do I leave bags of M & M's around the house? no. sabotage.

KAtkins Menu:
breakfast: scrambled eggs, cheese, smoked salmon, coffee
lunch: pork loin, artichoke, water
dinner: protien bar

exersize: cleaned the toy room, worked on the computer, surfed the web, that has to burn some calories!

Saturday, May 13, 2006

happier, more rested

my back has been hurting, not sleeping well, probably not drinking enough fluids. they say that can cause a backache. backache and poor sleep causing the irritability.

I didnt any work done on friday, just spent the day decompressing and relaxing. puttered around the house and out on a couple of non essential errands. saturday was more of the same. nothing major, nothing critical. nothing earth shattering.

learned how to work the Sonic VCD program and the Lightscribe, very kewl stuff.

KAtins Menu:
breakfast: eggs, salsa, cheese, coffee
lunch: broccoli, cheese, chicken, crystal light
dinner: broccoli, cheese, chicken, crystal light
snack: strawberry protien shake.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Could I BE anymore moody?

let's recap:

work like a dawg. that is a good thing.

weight loss progress. that is a good thing.

what happened?

I spent 14 hours working in Huntsville (75 mile drive one way) on Tuesday for a toddler classroom shoot and delivery and orders for a prek (26 students)

Wednesday, woke up in a mood, not sleeping well, figure it is allergies, strip down all the beds in the house, down to bare mattresses, and wash every blanket, every sheet, every comforter in the house in hot water. I had to get to two doctors appointments, wait until 1245 for UPS and FedEx to show up with my deliveries, get the 2 HUGE computer box up to the office to start acclimating as well as crack open the ACI boxes full of pictures and redistribute to boxes
I try to make Mac n Cheez for the 4 year old and we did good up to a point. he filled the sauce pan with water, he got out the box of mac n chez, I got the stove on, I got the water boiling, I pour in the noodles, I stir, I set the timer for 7 minutes, the phone rings and we are screwed. it burnt like a 4 alarm fire, the boy got cantaloupe, yogurt and string cheese
I have to get to the school by 1 pm to volunteer for two hours, forgot to empty out all the stuff from the shoot Tuesday (4 foot wooden bridge with double railings, 8'x9' roll of Astroturf, two magnolia bushes, two sets of ferns and greenery, 10 lbs of polished river rock, background supports, 10'x20' muslin, two alien bees, and umbrellas, and camera bag, file box with order forms, picture envelopes, and samples.
load in car seats and 4 year old. by 3 pm after the school, I had to pick up the 6 year old, run home and box up 4 orders to ship out in time for mothers day, before FedEx closed at 4, couldn't get FedEx website to work, still stressing over the doctors appointments, tried to go to USPS and click and ship, but they quote first class, but refuse to print a first class label, insist on priority only, so made OLD FASHION label, slap it on, and tape it down

specifically told 6 year old not to leave the house so that he would be there to leave for shipping. he is gone. LUCKILY daughter showed up, whining that she wants me to call the doctor to get new prescription for inhaler for her asthma. I meanwhile can not find my car keys. I am so frustrated I can not see straight. she is 20, surely she can figure out to call the pharmacy and have them call the doctor, but NOOooo she is too clueless for that. I am jumping in the car, hoping I can get to the post office, which is 10 minutes away, doctor #1 which is 30 minutes away and doctor #2 which is 30 minutes from there, all by 5:15 pm. I am backing out of the garage and even before I get in the car I notice the BIG FAT BLACK FORD FULL SIZE F150 on her side of the driveway. I back out (no gas, just took my foot off the brake and drift out) and CRUNCH! strange grinding sound, like stepping on a pop can. I am mystified for 8 seconds and then I occurs to me, FLIPPING FAT FORD. I sigh, I put it in drive and pull forward.

I get out with a sinking feeling. yep, I have toasted the driver rear quarter panel. the paint is gone, the side is crushed, the only good thing is that the door is fine and the gas tank door is fine. the car still has 13,000 miles of warranty, but this is not COVERED. I get to the post office, I get to the kiosk, and get all the labels on my boxes, put the first one in an can not the door to the bin to open again for the other three boxes, people think that I am nuts, finally someone (actually a good friend) suggests that I just drop the box off at the window before I loose it. ;) and then she had the nerve to dash out of the building before I snapped at her.

I call doctor #1, she has already sent my files to doctor #2 so I do not have to go there, I go straight to doctor #2 and that is the one that I am dreading. I get on the scales and unfortunately, I have lost 19 lbs) the goal was 6. so I am officially cleared for surgery. I am wigging inside about this. I change my mind 100 times a day. I should be able to do it on my own. I should not do this. I can not do it on my own, I should do this before I am another 100 lbs further down the hole. I am so sick of everything every day being about what I can and can not eat. Getting furious over every little thing and so stressed that I get neasiated before I cook every meal and avoid cooking like the plague. that is a really bad thing.

I really just can not take the stress anymore. I do not want to make one more food choice, ever.

KAtkins menu:
breakfast: protein shake, coffee
lunch: grilled chicken salad, tea
dinner: I give up
late night snack: bowl of broccoli, shredded cheese, chicken, sweet and sour sauce.

exersize: rode my bike 1/2 a mile, cleaned out the garage, pitched a hissy fit

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Pouty Face *Idontwanna*

today I am in a mood. Yesterday I was stressed but today it is a MOOD. I have been stressing about work and the endorphins have been running mad. today is a little less stressful today. I have still plenty of work to do, but the 'crisis' is less. I spent HOURS working on my 'daycare preschool' workflow yesterday and that was exhausting as well as processing a session from Saturday. I still have 4 sessions from Sunday and 2 from Tuesday to process and upload to an online gallery.

got on the scales today and that was an improvement. down another 3 pounds from the lowest I have been in the last 2 weeks. so overall that should make me happy. on some levels it does, but for the most part, I just want to say 'whatever' it will go back up by the end of the day, it is a never ending battle. my back hurts from the stress. my body has not 'felt right' for a couple of days. I just have too much anxiety lately. need a few more deep cleansing breaths.

today is supposed to be the day I get medical clearance from my medical doctor, weigh in with the gastric doctor. volunteer for two hours at the elementary school, accept delivery of my new work computer so that I can process a batch of raw files without it crashing every 50th image. I am so getting sick of that. this will be my first very new, never used before computer since 1992. all the other ones since have been free hand-me-downs from someone that has upgraded to something new, in other words 3-5 year old technology. I would be nearly giddy if I were not in a MOOD.
KAtkins Menu:
breakfast: scrambled eggs, mozzarella cheese, coffee with shot of vanilla
lunch: grilled chicken salad, ice tea, shot of vanilla
dinner: romaine lettuce, smoked turkey, mozzarella cheese, all rolled up into lettuce wraps, 1/2 cup sugar free white chocolate pudding, 1/2 can of chocolate carbwise shake and 1/2 can of shaved ice, puréed
exercise: packed up full Limited Edition photography set with a bridge, packed in car, unpacked, set up, shoot for 1 hour, broke down, packed back in car, back breaking work. don't even talk to me.

Monday, May 08, 2006


Error returned when a server cannot find the requested page.

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I websurfed, weak and weary,

Over many a strange and spurious website of 'hot chicks galore',

While I clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning,

And my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour.

"'Tis not possible," I muttered, "give me back my cheap hardcore!"

Quoth the server, "404".

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Yo Yo, UP down UP down

what was quick and dirty in the beginning is dwindling and slow now. granted, the first few pounds are always lots of water, now is the HARD part. there is still a 5 lb fluxuation throughout the day that can just KILL the motivation, even though I KNOW that it is normal. I KNOW I should only weight once a week, instead of 3 - 4 times a day but I keep hoping that a drop in the scale will give me a lift in the motivation. so far it is not.

what I want is to just stop. I want food that is yummy. food that I like. I hate walking through the store and seeing food that I like and would like to eat. I want a sandwhich, I want a taco, I want an apple or banana. this is so frustrating. the first 5 lbs were a cakewalk, the next 10 lbs were harder but still fairly doable. now it is minicule ounce by ounce progress.

work keeps me distracted, but then again, I am also spending more and more time in front of the computer instead of exersizing or cooking proper food. I just do not want to think about it right now.

I have completed the blood work, the EKG, the Gall Bladder UltraSound, the Upper GI, the physical exam. all that is left is Medical Clearance and weigh in on May 10th. Have personally slotted May 31th for surgery that would allow 3 weeks medical supervision for recovery, and then an additional 6 weeks for low stress resting. Back to work August 15th. Part of me is so 'logical' about it and part of me is just screaming inside. But this last stall in progress on my own and my daily bouts of resistance are probably pushing my 'will power' to it's limit. I can do anything for 90 days and then I just can't do it anymore.

KAtins Menu:

breakfast: scrambled eggs, mozzarella cheese, smoked salmon, bacon, french vanilla chocolate velvet coffee
lunch: baby asparagus, mozzarella cheese, chicken breast
snack: Pria (2 g carb) bar
dinner: two rainbow trout, zuchini & yellow squash

Exersize: trip to the store, heehee