Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Back to Basics

I got my wake up call about two years ago, the weight was going up, but only a pound a month, no big deal right. I hit the snooze button

I got another wake up call when I couldn't comfortably get into my sexy jeans, no big deal right. I hit the snooze button

I went on vacation and got blisters and open sores where my waist band rubbed my tummy over Christmas break. I started skipping desert, but no big deal right. I hit the snooze button.

For me, it seems that March is my magical month that I need to DO SOMETHING. it was in 2006 when I made a choice, and it was in 2010 when I had to REALLY make a choice.

for some reason I was thinking that if I never stretched my pouch, I would never have to DIET again right? grrr

so naturally, I like to used my hypoglycemia as an excuse to graze, after all, I have issues, right? well, the more I cut back on SIMPLE carbs, and incorporate more Proteins, I am seeing less peaks and valley's and while I am still eating about 3 snacks and 3 meals a day, I am still keeping under my daily calorie goal.

Now I didnt move that much when I was first post op, but I did move, it was so much easier to just think that I could coast, but I rode a bike once in a while, I did walk, once in a while, I did go out and hang up laundry, once in a while, and all that did add up, whereas in the last year, I have been hiding behind my computer, holed up in the school room, and avoiding people.

Excuses? I do not have a car, I can not leave. I am going through menopause and I do not want to go out and talk to people. I do not have money, I can not buy anything. i am homeschooling my child, he needs to be home studying. I have my grand child and he can not ride a bike with me. all EXCUSES.

I could ride when the dad comes home. I could do something about the mess that is climbing up around my ears. so now I have shared my spiel and it is time for me to leave you and go declutter this house.

by the way, cutting back and making small changes this week, I had an unusually good week. -5 lbs. this week. I will most likely plateau, but eventually it will go down as we all know.

Saturday, March 06, 2010


you know, I would never have even concieved that I was a food a holic but the stress over the last 2 years had completely done me in.

I have regained 30 lbs past my goal weight, not the lowest weight, we will not even GO THERE.

I have restarted fit day and I brought out the scales and the itty bitty bowls and am recording and evaluating my life style down to the gram.


Fat 58.9 523 55 %
Carbohydrate 81.3 310 32 %
Protein 30.8 121 13 %

I struggled all day with snacking and portions and desperately hated every moment of it.

there is no excuse, not the 3 year old that can not walk as fast or as far, not the bike that doesn't have a trailer hitch, not the hypoglycemia that spins my world without notice, it was SUCH a HARD day. I was tired and angry and frustrated with myself all day. and let me be the first to say that menopause sucks, I am swathed in wool and freezing to death and it is a balmy 49F outside. I am miserable.

I already paid for this tool, the first year could have killed me, and the tool works I just do not seem to be able to completely break away from the cycle of stress eat gain stress eat gain. part of me hates that I have to revisit portions and wow did I have a moment when I had to start measuring yesterday. I had been okay with most of my portions but I was able to sneak in extras. Now with fitday I am tracking and keeping the portions down and of course this site has back to basics since we are not alone and that is free. I like free.

4 years ago I had surgery and beat my goal.

today I am not not able to get into the fat pants that I had for after goal. it has been a crushing realization for me. I am headed back up and find it all to easy to excuse each pound that I pack on.

yesterday, I made a choice, and going back to the basics and using fitday and finding things to do outside of the house and away from the computer so that I am not watching the clock all the time waiting for my next snack.

I have regained 30 lbs over my goal weight. fortunately, I never abused my pouch, so I am good there, I just have to watch my portions, dodge my snacks, and cut out all the fluffy carbs. I know the drill, but I do not want to go it alone

vitamins.. fluids.. and distractions.. I just need to counteract all the stress of an extra large family and the tendency to put out each fire before seeing to my own needs and that was right where I was this time four years ago. letting the kids dictate the emergency instead of my putting my own oxygen mask on first.

happy to say that my house is now freshly painted and looks great. and I was able to stay under my target goal of calories today, on top of that the calories burned exceeded the calories consumed. 2 days down, and a million to go. I have given myself 15 weeks to lose the 30 lbs.

it is hard to say no, but when you see so many giving so much, you feel awful if you do not give yourself.

I have a son in law that is preparing for his second tour in Afghanistan, I volunteered to take care of the three year old since my daughter is working two jobs. little did I know that the little pill is THREE and an ONLY child and has been around the Platoon of MARINES for so long that he is now very aggressive, has a little potty mouth on him, and needs to learn the word NO and to be much more civilized before he can be accepted into polite company. he seems to have learned every bad trait of an enlisted person and none of the ones that would have come from his great grandfather that was an officer. it will take me quite some time to bring about a positive change in him. But a change is needed.

I have a special needs daughter, she is screamingly bipolar, she is doing her very best, she is living on her own in another state, going to college full time, coping with a lot of challenges that she can face for the most part 80% of the time in her TIGGER state, and the other 20%, sends her spiraling into a depressed EEYORE state. when she has money, she is the hostess with the mostess, and when she is flat broke, she is desperately depressed. I am helping out with expenses like books but she is responsible for everything else and it is hard to be so tough on her, but if I were to cover ALL of her expenses, she would take advantage of that and take more. But I feel that she will appreciate it more if she has of the hardship of going to college, not just the showing up when she feels like it.

And then there are the boys that are still at home, we are still struggling with all the life lessons that we have to teach. Economy and responsibility, empathy and sympathy, manners and civility. it seems like a never ending battle, but I do not have time to let up and let issues slide. Being active in swimteam, tri-athalon-ing, scouting, and homeschooling, and running a house is a full time job. Even so, I had to let go of a lot of 'volunteering' requests, from church and community was extremely hard, but I had to do it. many assume that a stay-a-home has unlimited time to give, but sadly, that is not the case.

Even today, as I have 1 week to prepare my house for my parents to come for an extended stay ( a couple of months) I have already been up for 2 hours, cleaned two rooms of the house, (kitchen is like a never ending battle) and finally got some me time. I have to constantly evaluate my priorities, what is most important to me, that I am freezing to death, and need some more carbs in my body, or that I need to lose some of the extra pounds? I should just give up and go down stairs and make some oatmeal, accept that this is my life, and eat, even though I have been putting it off for two hours, and I SHOULD be able to go another.

having to choose between being a healthy weight and surviving hypoglycemia and all that entails, being lactose intolerant and the diet restrictions that leaves me with, THIS IS SO STINKING HARD!

Friday, March 05, 2010

UPWARD spiral

My Starting Weight
Start Weight:

Start Date:

My Goal
Goal Weight:

Goal Date:

Your BMI:

A BMI between 25 and 30 is considered overweight.
The healthy weight range for your height is between
lbs and
Your weight is 20.4 lbs above the healthy range.
My Goal BMI

A BMI between 18.5 and 25 is considered healthy.

3/4 oz Monterrey Jack cheese
1 oz half & half
20 oz coffee
3 vitamins
1 b12 sublingual
salmon patty
slice of cheese
two leaves of lettuce
22 oz of propel
one half brautworst, no bun
2 oz thuringer
2 calcium chews

total calories intake (consumed): 994
total calories spent (moving): 1594

Thursday, March 04, 2010


Provident living:
I am married to a European that does not believe in shopping beyond tomorrow, let alone next week or next month or next year, if he had his way, he would buy only for the next two days, drives me absolutely insane. I know what our menu is, I know that we will need XX by Monday Night, why wait to buy it? but he insists. that really does help. know your weekly menu, and while boring, it helps to take the anxiety away.
breakfast and lunch are the same, oatmeal and pbj, knowing that this is every single week, cuts down on the grocery bill.

I can not stress how much easier my life became when I let go, and gave it all away. I was a stash and hoarder as well, I had the next three sizes for the kids, and yes, I saved a lot of money by recycling clothes and toys, but I put my health in jeapardy with stress of living in rooms with stuff stuffed and piled and stashed, and it was not healthy for me. my children have spotless rooms because they simply do not have a lot of material possessions and it is so much easier for all of us when I can walk in, and in 5 minutes have it picked up and company ready.

this program took me about 5 years to master, but it was well worth it, I still have hot spots around the house, but not like I had. take a moment and look at your house in the background in family photos, you would be surprised how messy mine was. I am ashamed that I let it get that way, but I didn't understand my mom when she was constantly harping on me to clean my room, exactly what she meant. it was not that things were out, they were, it was not that things were unorganized, they were not organized, but it was that I was storing things that didn't have value to me and had no room for the things that did. I went through and if it didn't have a story, it went and if hadn't been used in the last 18 months, it went. the only things that I have not purged is the books, but even those, I have filtered and donated a lot of the ones that are just not relevant and kept the classics in our library.

age appropriate homeschooling:
It seems to me, and this is just an opinion, worth about $.02, your children are still very young, and are not into the hard core academics yet, so I would work on just the basic basic basics.. reading, writing, and rithmatic. when all else fails, take them to the park. today's Pre-K lesson was a puzzle, and we were done for the day. ;-) our goal today is that I get through it without yelling anymore, and they learn not to scratch, whine, or steal my crackers.

My own battles:
my first kids, the twins, were LIVE WIRES and nearly drove me nuts with their precocious behavior, they were so bored. they needed to run and be free and I needed to take a nap, it is a wonder that we all survived those first 10 years. they were a lot more than I could handle and I still am not sure I was a good mom. but looking back, I was way too involved in their happiness. and too little involved in my own. and seriously, hats off to those moms that are 'dedicated' to their children's happiness, but I think (and this is my own irreverent interpretation) too many kids today have been led to believe that everyone will constantly and consistently put thier needs first because their parents made it a life long goal and seriously. That may be doing them a disservice. my husband's boss couldnt care less if he is happy and fulfilled at work. and in all seriously, when he looks at me that he is not happy at work, I tell him to suck it up and walk it off, we need the paycheck and until he force him out the door with his last check in his hand, he is going to go t work and keep money coming in to pay for luxuries like toilet paper and soap. I will do without a dryer, a car, and meat each week, but I strongly believe that it is not just my entitlement to stay home with my kids, but my duty. he may think that he wants me to go to work, but he truly doesn't want my job. to his credit, he does cook 5 nights a week, he does do laundry every weekend, and he will go to the store twice a week, but when it comes to homework, public or home schooled, activities, and play dates, parties and scouts, he is uninvolved and that will not cut it.

So frequently I forget to put myself first, to make sure that I am getting enough rest, that I am getting the right nutrition. and the right amount of mental health days. my work is not my hobby ad my kids are not my work. I need to get out and get away. sadly, I lost all my girls night out buddies and I seriously need to get a new group before I loose my mind and my fragile grip on reality. today I took some time, took a shower, didnt care if the house burnt down just so long as they left me alone to wash. it was a shock how much better I felt after I plucked out the greys, and washed what was left. I am not nearly as angry and I made it another hour.

Wednesday, March 03, 2010