The beauty of my body is not measured by the size of the clothes it can fit into, but by the stories that it tells. I have a belly and hips that say, "We grew a child in here," and breasts that say, "We nourished life." My hands, with bitten nails and a writer's callus, say, "We create amazing things."
I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
fine. no more marketing which really sucks because I just finished printing out a piece, but I think I will just set it aside until next year (it is labeled for fathers day) because I really do not want to work June. I am in a mood and it is affecting my work and so I am useless to me and everyone I shoot. I have some homework to do for the business:, database management, file management, and then I am off until mid august to spend time with the family. With my current attitude, I am not going to keep my customers happy.
It was a good season, lots of sessions, lots of really cute little kids. Time for reflection and for database management, file management and basically a rest before Fall/Holiday season.
Am I successful? maybe. maybe not. but the question falls back to me.
If I do not believe in myself, no one will. in the last year, I have had such a reckoning with myself and my self worth.
"if I could buy you for what you THINK that you are worth, and then sell you for what you ARE worth, I would be a very rich woman!"
It seriously has to come from within myself.
If I do not want to work with a client, I do no follow-up with them, I take control and remain in control of my life. no one else can do it for me. I do not want to undervalue myself in my own eyes or anyone else's so I have to get comfortable with knowing my own worth. actually putting a price on it. not accepting discounts to that value. insisting that I am of value, and refusing to allow disrespectful behavior, even something as slight as someone asking me to discount myself for their benefit.
a recent for instance: I set my prices. I am worth $100/hour. someone asks me to only take $50/hour. why? because they can only afford $50. is that really the problem? can they really only afford $50 or do they feel that $100 / hour is not what I am worth? do they ask their doctor to only accept $50? do they ask the restaurant to only accept $50 when the tab for a dinner for 4 is $100? do they ask the car dealership to only accept $10,000 on a $20,000 car? why me? why do I look like I am worth less? I am not, I sure do not see why I should be. a mechanic will not offer a discount when he spends 9 hours on a transmission rebuild.
all of those vendors provide a service and all of them charge a fee and it is not 'negotiable' you can accept it or not, it is your choice. same with photography. I am worth the money, and you can accept it or not. it is your choice as a client.
good plan. heehee
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
yep, you know who you are. you are the one. the one that is too tired at the end of the day.
you are just much better in the morning. morning sex. *sigh*
okay. so here is the question.. and no this is not limited to morning sex people, afternoon sex, evening sex, weekend sex and middle of the night sex people please chime in.
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!
I am below goal. I am happy. I am buying the skimpy little outfits, My darling hubby is totally loving this. he is showing some SERIOUS appreciation for the new me. [course he was a hound dawg with the old me. he is an all-hours-of-the-day sex dawg.]
my question, I swear I am getting to it.
do you freeze up when your lover is about to touch a part of you that is just dangly? I have not had plastic surgery, I have a HORRENDOUSLY bad blob of skin on my belly and well lets just say that the girls are **S*A*D** (like men's tube socks and only 1 cup of rice in the bottom, sad-sad-sad)
I was in the mood, which is rare, I was doing fine, and then he went to touch my belly, froze, because he knows that it wigs me out, and that was all it took, the pheromones went poof from the room, and I was ice cold. he concluded his business and it was unremarkable.
THE WHOLE POINT of this was to get healthy and be healthy enough to have GREAT SEX with him.
I had not planned to get plastics because I thought that the angry red scar around my middle would be an even worse turn off than having this grotesque flap of skin hanging there, but gracious. this is debilitating.
so I find myself wondering. when is it ever enough? loosing 130 lbs should be enough? going from size 22/24 to 2/4 should be enough. not having skin hanging down 6 inches would be healthier or just sexier?
once I have that done, what about the 'girls' ? is it vanity? or is it necessity? am I fighting the clock or regretting a lifetime of bad choices and now trying to justify $10K on a body lift?
I carried twins full term, they were 6lb 8oz each, I have born 5 huge children (last one was 11 lbs 3 oz) and breastfed them all (last one 22 months) so I know that time has "marched on" on my body.
I really do not think that I am vain, I do not want anything done to my face or arms. Am I justifying? or am I sincerely in need of some modifications to keep me healthier? am I loosing my mind typing to myself on an open forum?
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
voices in my head
back on task, focus on focusing
where to begin. gracious, I have no idea. I have 100's of ideas swishing around in my head and no idea what to do.
I have printed out the studio marketing planner and have started filling it out to figure out where I am.
I am still completely frustrated with my logo and need to figure out why it is driving me insane. once I have my logo, I can progress to finalizing my 'branding' literature.
I totally need to do a fathers day mailing today. I have designed the page, just need to print, label the envelopes and mail. then again, do I really want to 'jump back into work" or should I enjoy this last month before I take off for 6 weeks and just 'rest', I need the money, but do I need the stress? should I perhaps just focus on an august mailing? 'sigh' or both? get this one out and try to get a couple fathers day appointments and then focus on august? back and forth in my head. I can not realistically get an appointment done and back in time anyways with my current printer, they are slower than whale dung and I grow more and more disappointed with them each day. their prices go up, their service time goes down, I was getting faster service from costco.
I have left voice mail with the insurance adjuster, really need that check today.
the more I think about work, the more anxious I get. so maybe the best thing is to stop, and do nothing, which is what I feel like I have been doing for months now, just running around but accomplishing nothing.
I should get something printed and to my #1 cheerleader, that would totally rock. I should have had it to her last week, but I dropped the ball when I was trying to compensate in the boys's classrooms for not 'being there' all spring.
so if I were to stop and focus, what is the one thing that I can get done today? I can get an order mailed. it is sitting here, in the box, just needs a label and then shipped. that is one thing.
so that is the one thing that I will do today.
get a shower, get dressed, eat a good breakfast, call the adjuster and go to the post office.
Monday, May 28, 2007
allocation of chores
here is what I do
first, I installed those extremely nice 3M Hepa filters on my air intake vents so that all the air is filtered before it recirculates in the air. they are the bomb, i change them every 3 or 4 months, about $25 each and worth every penny
secondly I run the exhaust fan when I cook, when I shower, and it keeps stuff from running all over the house, making a sticky mess.
I removed all the carpet downstairs which creates the dust in the first place IMO. we have all tile and I vacuum about once a week, and I mop religiously about every other month. seriously with this many kids, you would think that I would have to mop more, but they leave the shoes at the door and we have very few problems with dirty floors.
the next thing is that we have FLYLADY the whole house. I can not begin to tell you what a blessing that is. it took YEARS to finally get all the hot spots done, but they are and now it is just maintenance. go to flylady.com and just read and learn and you would be amazed at how much happier you are. without the clutter, I can have the house, the ENTIRE house mother-in-law ready in 1 - 2 hours.
now granted there are some things about house keeping that I simply do not do, do not find that they are necessary and I highly recommend that people follow my exampled, but few do.
LINENS. do not need to be folded. stuffed in the appropriate closet or cupboard is good enough. clothing does not need to be folded, ironed, or anything else, what goes up on the hangers is great, the rest in the drawer in a wad is fine. as long as it is clean, I sincerely do not care if it has wrinkles.
I have cleaned out all the areas of the house periodically, about annually to make sure that I do not have 'stuff' that I no longer need or want taking up valuable real estate. it is liberating to know that everything is accessible and that I do not have 'stashes' and 'hordes' of stuff in places.
as for dividing up the chores, everyone here has a list, and they all know it and I do not tolerate distention in the ranks.
5 year old empties all the trash in all the waste baskets in the house twice a week
5 year old makes his bed and picks up his toys daily.
5 year old picks up all the dirty laundry from all over the house and deposits it in the laundry room
7 year old empties the dishwasher every other day
7 year old loads the dishwasher every other day
7 year old makes his bed and picks up his toys daily.
7 year old picks puts all the clean laundry for him and his brother
21 year old mows and edges the lawn
21 year old picks up as needed when she is home, just her part of helping out
21 year old is my personal assistant and helps with the business
husband does 50% of the grocery shopping
husband does 90% of the laundry washing & drying
husband does 90% of the cooking breakfast/lunch/dinner
husband does 50% of the vacuuming
husband does 90% of the family budget
husband does 80% of the trash to the curb each week
wife does 50% of the grocery shopping
wife does 10% of the laundry washing & drying
wife does 10% of the cooking breakfast/lunch/dinner
wife does 50% of the vacuuming
wife does 20% of the trash to the curb each week
wife busts her butt to spend all of husbands paycheck. ;)
wife does 100% of the volunteering at the school
wife does 100% of the bed making / bathroom cleaning
wife does 100% of putting laundry away
wife does 100% of cleaning the kitchen (sink/stove/refrigerator)
Friday, May 25, 2007
weight loss and high divorce rate
my husband loved me before, during and after weight loss. he did not feel that I needed to do anything to earn his love.
I made a choice and he supported that. because for whatever reason, I had made a choice. so he has been there for me. and even when I get irritated with the choice, he laughs at me, with me, but never has he not supported me.
spouses that are threatened by change, do not want to face change themselves. we had a long running joke during the process.
he has a $.5 Million dollar life insurance policy.
If I do not have the surgery, and I die, he gets .5 million. he wins.
If I do have the surgery, and I die, he gets .5 million. he wins.
If I do have the surgery, and I get skinny, he gets a skinny wife. he wins.
he sees it as a win/win situation, so I can do whatever I want.
as for easy, HAHAHAHAHAHA
first off the last thing it is - is easy, TRUST ME. it is not EASY. it is not fun. it is hardass work. harder than you have ever worked for in your life. but you do succeed. gurgles, head hunger, foamies, and all.
you have to make a choice in your head and heart that you want to LIVE. really live. not this existence that you have been coasting on, getting from point A to point B. I was taking my kids camping and biking and it was knocking the stuffing out of me. now I can actually PARENT my kids and BE THERE. it is not about accepting your size, it is about making a change that is forever and knowing that you are in control of you, not your your tummy.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
New Doctor Visit
I got my lab work back and all my numbers are fantastic.
my triglycerides, my cholesterol, my iron, my folate, my B12, my B1, my this, that and the other. all good. my Red Blood Cells and White Blood Cells are a little low, but I am fine. my inflammation is fine.
my back is a little achy from riding the roller coaster and the stuff like a young whipper snapper, but even that today is subsiding gradually.
The new doctor is 'preaching' the the choir about my health, nutrition and prognosis for the next year. I am to go back in 6 months, but over all, I know what labs I need and how to read the report as well if not better than he can, since he didn't see the Iron and Folate results until after I pointed out that YES I did have them run.
his theory is to eat a little bit of everything, and practice moderation in all things and DO NOT STRETCH THE POUCH. fine. I can handle that.
looks like Krys is going to finally get her wedding photos. talked to the photographer today, sounds promising, he says in the mail tomorrow.
prayers in that department.
looks like the roofer is going to FINALLY fax my receipt to the insurance adjuster, after 14 freaking bloody days of hounding his proverbial arse. I am so totally not amused on this transaction and sverre is beyond infuriated! we should get the check tomorrow and then just -0- zero out the account. what a PITA!
reviewing my work calendar, everything seems to have slowed to a screaming halt. one more session for the year and that is all that is on the books. I will definitely need to do some more marketing to get some more appointments booked or it will not be a pleasant summer. I did get a couple of orders submitted today, one will drop ship directly to the customer, I am quickly discovering, that is THE way to go. I do not have to fuss with it from here on out. no printing labels, no standing in line at the post office. definitely finding that with Jordan, Erik, Magnus and Krystal, trips to the post-office are to be avoided at all costs.
today was the boy's last day at school. that was a MONSTER hustle fest for me. in Magnus room, then Erik's room, then Magnus and then Erik, lunch with Magnus, popcicles with Erik, popcorn with Magnus, books with Erik, books with Magnus, I swear I was going to plow into myself in the hall. 5 hours later, we are done for the year. yeah! Whew!
now for the RUDE AWAKINGING. the boys are 1st and 2nd graders and will have chores. EVERY DAY. and today was day one and that was a harsh day. you would think that I was raising Paris Hilton and Nichole Richie instead of a couple of healthy boys.
the daily chores:
empty the dishwasher
load the dishwasher
empty the trash
make the bed
pick up dirty laundry
the weekly chores:
pick up the toys off the floor
vaccum the toy room
should be an interesting summer if not downright surprizing!
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Grandbaby is defying gravity!
Just a few more weeks and he will be on the move and burn off all that baby fat that he is storing up right now.
Monday, May 21, 2007
last week: 145
this week: 145
no change... finally stabilized and watching what I eat.
Work a holic:
I just ordered my daycare cards from vistaprint. hand delivered 20 'packages' to new potential daycares in our zip code last week. 9 more to go.
in each packet:
1 'invitation' to schedule
1 folded 5x7 daycare info card
1 6x9 glossy daycare benefits card
1 kit kat bar
I am making up another list for a different zip code and have a local mom that will deliver there.
friday I shot both son's class individual portraits with their teacher, proofed and printed on 8.5x11 for comb bound memory books
just about finished the 19 comb bound memory books for son's kindergarten class. need to make an ad for the back cover
will finish the 20 comb bound memory books for son's first grade class and duplicate the ad on the backcover.
need to schedule Kindercare reshoot, proof wedding rehearsal and rehearsal dinner and upload
Erik has a well visit scheduled to the pediatrician today, I was not watching the clock well and missed it, had to reschedule for June. I have a trip to the ophthalmologist. that bozo tried to convince me that I need bifocals. that is for OLD PEOPLE!
Last night Jordan was over for his 'treatment'. he got a double dose of smoke this weekend visiting his other granny and was all congested. we got his bowels moving, a nice bath, shampooed his hair and a 4 oz bottle of rice milk to top him off.
SOMEONE has to get the civic in for an oil change. this is NUTS!
Sunday, May 20, 2007
sucking down my vanilla coffee and milk, found out that 1/2 and 1/2 was making me nauseated.
erik and magnus and two neighbor kids have made a tent in the front yard with my photography stuff. basically wanted to get them out of the house and into some sunshine. great day for it.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
A Day in the Country
Saturday, May 19, 2007 at the 6E Ranch in Damon, TX for A Day in the Country. Music, Fun, Family, Food, Carnival and so much more!!!! Doors open at 11 a.m. and the festivities happen all day and into the night... Jo Dee Messina, Steve Holy, Keith Anderson, Tracy Byrd, Blaine Larsen and The Lost Trailers and more!
we are packing sunscreen! heehee
65 miles down should take about 1 hour and 15 minutes right?
road construction on SH6 at I10 added on 30 minutes
road construction at SH6 and SH59 added on 30 minutes
the LINE to get to the parking lot was 2.5 hours to go 22 miles. I am not kidding!!! we had preferred parking, and SO DID EVERYONE ELSE so we ended parking all the way out by SH11 instead of by the gate!
I was smart enough to take a wagon and packed in a little lunch box cooler with turkey sandwich fixins... got Erik and Magnus wristbands and they had a blast. I rode all the rides with them free, so I had a blast as well.
The concert was fine. recognized some of the songs.
we rode the roller coaster twice, that alone was $6 each ride each person. we rode the swings twice, that was $3 each ride each person so the rest of the rides were free. we went on the mixer the wipe out and the fun house. the wipe out was what did magnus in, he got motion sickness and was done for the day so we went home.
Jo Dee Messina
The Lost Trailers
Friday, May 18, 2007
9 am photograph Erik's Class
10 am die cut for Magnus class memory book centers
11 am photograph Magnus's Class & help with centers
12 pm pick up Krys / Jordan
1 pm Wal-mart & lunch at Chick fil a
2 pm download memory cards and discover that both my 500 gig hard drives are 'hiding'
3 pm load studio and western set
4 pm leave for Wedding Rehearsal photo shoot
6 pm arrive for wedding rehearsal
7 pm arrive downtown Houston for Western Rodeo Rehearsal Dinner Shoot
10 pm pack up and head back home
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Just check my emails and then turn in. I am going to limit myself to 8 hour work days and 8 hour mom days. now I did end up doing 'mommy' duty all night, which still leaves little time for 'ME' but I did have a talk with #1 time sucking daughter about my stress level over the last 6 months, and hopefully she will understand that I have to put her on time restrictions as well.
breakfast was good, two eggs
for dinner I was extremely good, just chicken
late night snack banana
talked to the hubby, he agrees that I need to scale back the devoted mommy thing, and keep a set work schedule. but now what do I do with myself that is for me? I am behind on my reading, behind on my 'watching movies' but what about something healthy to get out of the house. he is totally not interested in that. we used to go bike riding together, but other than getting back and forth to work, he is low interest on that as well. the boys would gladly ride with me, but then we are back to MOMMY time. grrr
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
my husband loves me. my kids love me. my customers love me.
so while I am not unhappy, I am not enjoying my work. this is work that I do because I LOVE it.
I left the rat race years ago and have been living my dream, doing what I love to do. I am a child photographer.
my favorite subject is babies and I have a new grandbaby and I do not even want to take his picture. that is so not like me.
I made an appointment with my PCP and she says that I look great and can find nothing to complain about.
my surgeon went out of business last month, so I am locating a new one. found one that is 10 miles away, I am waiting for the surgeon to call me back to schedule appointment.
I called the lab to schedule my labs, they have not called me back. grrr I am starting to think that everyone else in a 12 mile radius has the same low motivation this month that I do. ;)
I do not think that I am low on anything, I eat most of my protein, I take most of my vitamins, I drink most of my fluids, and I am getting enough sleep most of the time.
My neighbors are truly getting on my nerves, my customers are fine, my kids are wearing thin as well to some degree. but the main escape with work should be giving me the most pleasure is giving the least.
talk about stress and the mood changes:
In November I was working 20 hours a day, 7 days a week.
In December I took 2 weeks off from work and spent them in a motel room with family. off and on, about 2 - 5 family members a day were 'gathered around' and for the most part it was not too stressful, about a 4-6 out of 10 each day.
In January, I had a daughter get married, we had to buy the dress 7 days before the wedding, I cooked all the goodies for the reception (150 guests) and did all the arranging and had out of town guests in the driveway and from the airport, and it was hectic, the bridal shower was the day before, the wedding and 'dry' reception the day of, a second 'wet' reception to follow, then the gifts and saying goodbye to some family, and trips downtown, and to the airport, it was just chaos.
February was the renovation of my daughter's spare bedroom for the new baby that arrived valentines day, and renovating a used blazer for her when it was obvious that the 'vw bug' would not work with a new born and carseat.
March was the start of DayCare Season, 25 - 40 kids ages 4 weeks to 5 years each day and my mother insisted that I drive daughter, and grandson to alabama over a weekend for a 5 generation family picture for the newspaper. we had a big ol barbque and then back home (24 hours of driving) to get back to work
April and May were more photography work, LOTS more. and there is the end of school year broohaha at the elementary school for my two sons (Kindergarten and 1st grade)
I know that some or part is just the stress of being a mom of 5 kids and now 2 son in laws and 1 grandchild. I was really good the first 6 months with insisting that people take care of their own problems while I take care of me, but I have slipped back into my old ways of putting me second and them and work first.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
If you Give a Mom a Muffin
She'll pour herself some. Her three-year-old will spill the coffee. She'll wipe it up.
Wiping the floor, she will find dirty socks. She'll remember she has to do laundry. When she puts the laundry in the washer, she'll trip over boots and bump into the freezer.
Bumping into the freezer will remind her she has to plan supper. She will get out a pound of hamburger. She'll look for her cookbook. (101 Things To Make With A Pound Of Hamburger.) The cookbook is sitting under a pile of mail. She will see the phone bill, which is due tomorrow.
She will look for her checkbook. The checkbook is in her purse that is being dumped out by her two-year-old. She'll smell something funny. She'll change the two-year-old.
While she is changing the two-year-old the phone will ring. Her five-year-old will answer and hang up. She'll remember that she wants to phone a friend to come for coffee. Thinking of coffee will remind her that she was going to have a cup.
She will pour herself some. And chances are, if she has a cup of coffee, her kids will have eaten the muffin that went with it.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Happy Mothers Day
A Mother's love is something
that no on can explain,
It is made of deep devotion
and of sacrifice and pain,
It is endless and unselfish
and enduring come what may
For nothing can destroy it
or take that love away . . .
It is patient and forgiving
when all others are forsaking,
And it never fails or falters
even though the heart is breaking . . .
It believes beyond believing
when the world around condemns,
And it glows with all the beauty
of the rarest, brightest gems . . .
It is far beyond defining,
it defies all explanation,
And it still remains a secret
like the mysteries of creation . . .
A many splendoured miracle
man cannot understand
And another wondrous evidence
of God's tender guiding hand.
~ Helen Steiner Rice
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
I am taking the day off. NO Photography today.
I have puttered in the yard, I have puttered in the house. but I am not going to putter with the camera.
I am EXHAUSTED.
okay, MAYBE I better call the printers and talk about folders, but THAT is all I am going to do.
and maybe read a little about the business. but I swear, I am taking the day off!!
I have been so crabby lately, that I do not want to be around me. ;(
I just need a break. the roofers were supposed to start today, but the guy didn't order the shingles. so we had workers but no shingles. I was
I totally need to paint the hallway. and I so totally need to get the lawn mowed and the bushes trimmed. and the carpets shampooed again
(couple of accidents recently).
and I really really need to dispose of the old fax/printer/ all in one and the old monitor taking up space in the hall.
and call the insurance agent AGAIN about business insurance. and backup my PERSONAL photos.
and index my dvd's and see... I can not TAKE A DAY OFF.. I do not know how!
Monday, May 07, 2007
Passed Myself On the Freeway
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Making Healthy Choices
this month is my one year surgi-versary. and I am relatively in a good place.
15 months ago:
I started out at 275, I lost 1% or 27.5 lbs before surgery, as desired. Got used to Protein based diet. Thought it was FOREVER.
12 months ago:
I had the surgery, I moved early and quickly and followed the 'PLAN' the first 6 months, lots of lean meats and leafy green vegetables.
I stuck to three meals a day, kept my portions small and did everything that I was 'SUPPOSED' to.
I exercised and drank my fluids.
6 months ago:
I am lean and mean, and in totally adorable clothes. Ready for the weight loss to stop. Eating lots of carbohydrates and increasing caloric intake. More meals. Larger portions. Decreasing exersize to conserve calories.
I am still loosing, albeit slower rate. I have dropped below my goal, and down into my 'warning' zone.
My surgeon has quit the business. I am 'on my own' and facing making my own choices as I fly solo through the next year and phase of the 'change'.
My acceptance the new body.
I have never been this size EVER. Each month I swear that I am done, that I can not loose another ounce, and I buy a new set of clothes, and then 3 weeks go by and I drop some more. I was happy at a size 10, I was okay with a size 8. I was thrilled with a size 6. I was paranoid, but strutting in a size 4. I am now freaking out and getting obsessive compulsive in a size 2. I whole heartedly do not want to be a size 2 or worse, a size 0.
Other People's Opinions:
People that count:
My husband: thinks that I am getting down to perfect. Not sure now what he thinks perfect is, but am starting to get concerned that his idea of perfect is a size 0 and that is miles from my idea of perfect. He is loving and supportive, and constantly says, 'what does the doctor think'. He has always been thin and so sees me at this juncture as normal and can not identify with my growing concern.
My daughter: thinks that I have by passed perfect and am now am too thin. She says that if I were to loose my batwings, and extra skin, that I would not be able to 'carry' the illusion that I am heavier than I really am, and that I would really appear to be to gaunt. She is on the fluffy side and trying to make good choices to get back down to a healthy weight naturally without surgery. I am trying to be supportive of her, but my food choices that are geared to gain weight which are sabotaging her efforts to loose weight.
Mother / Father / Relatives:
think that I am perfect. See nothing to gain, loose, or anything. Just take me at face value and harbor no judgment. Do not encourage me to eat more, eat less, or anything. Are just thrilled for me for the sake of being thrilled.
assume that I am still on a diet, and am restricting my food intake. I do not know how to hang a banner that says. I am done. This is a good spot. I am now eating everything normally. I do not feel that their attitude is at all ugly. They are really being supportive. I just do not like to have to 'explain' myself. Don't I look like I am done? Don't I appear that I have lost enough? Shouldn't I BE eating more?
Other WLS people (Those that have been down this path):
Of the 'active' peoples that share the same month, about 80% are not to goal. Really do not understand the problems of exceeding the goal. Do not have any empathy for the delima of stopping the weight loss.
How do I 'respond' (even in my own head) to that? There seems to be a 'underlying' goal of 'being on track' of maintaining by continuing to deny certain foods, or restricting intake. That may be my problem in 6 months, but it is not my concern today.
Because my concern today is that I do not know what the future holds. Each day I eat what I think is healthy, or what I think will give me more calories, or what I think will put me at a healthy weight and I do not know what the future holds. I do not know if the mal-absorption is working against me when I have empty calories or what. I do not have answers and so far, no one else does either.
I eat three reasonable meals a day. I focus on fiber to keep the constipation at bay. I focus on protein to keep the lean muscle loss to a minimum.
Then I have grazing / snacks between the meals that are carb-rich, calorie dense, in hopes of getting my overall calories / fat intake up. Which defies the whole point of the first 15 months of learning to eat 'protein' rich as a lifestyle. But the more I eat, the less I weigh.
I eliminate the exercise, trying to conserve what calories that I can secure. But feel guilty about that as well. It feels like a roller coaster ride, up and down, round and round, up and down, round and round. So many factors, influences, outside pressures, inside pressures. Everyone is supportive but looking to me to define where I am healthy and I do not know. I do not have answers. Because I am in uncharted territory.
What do you do when you exceed your expectations and have no road map ahead of you?