this month is my one year surgi-versary. and I am relatively in a good place.
15 months ago:
I started out at 275, I lost 1% or 27.5 lbs before surgery, as desired. Got used to Protein based diet. Thought it was FOREVER.
12 months ago:
I had the surgery, I moved early and quickly and followed the 'PLAN' the first 6 months, lots of lean meats and leafy green vegetables.
I stuck to three meals a day, kept my portions small and did everything that I was 'SUPPOSED' to.
I exercised and drank my fluids.
6 months ago:
I am lean and mean, and in totally adorable clothes. Ready for the weight loss to stop. Eating lots of carbohydrates and increasing caloric intake. More meals. Larger portions. Decreasing exersize to conserve calories.
Today:
I am still loosing, albeit slower rate. I have dropped below my goal, and down into my 'warning' zone.
My surgeon has quit the business. I am 'on my own' and facing making my own choices as I fly solo through the next year and phase of the 'change'.
Difficulties:
My acceptance the new body.
I have never been this size EVER. Each month I swear that I am done, that I can not loose another ounce, and I buy a new set of clothes, and then 3 weeks go by and I drop some more. I was happy at a size 10, I was okay with a size 8. I was thrilled with a size 6. I was paranoid, but strutting in a size 4. I am now freaking out and getting obsessive compulsive in a size 2. I whole heartedly do not want to be a size 2 or worse, a size 0.
Other People's Opinions:
People that count:
My husband: thinks that I am getting down to perfect. Not sure now what he thinks perfect is, but am starting to get concerned that his idea of perfect is a size 0 and that is miles from my idea of perfect. He is loving and supportive, and constantly says, 'what does the doctor think'. He has always been thin and so sees me at this juncture as normal and can not identify with my growing concern.
My daughter: thinks that I have by passed perfect and am now am too thin. She says that if I were to loose my batwings, and extra skin, that I would not be able to 'carry' the illusion that I am heavier than I really am, and that I would really appear to be to gaunt. She is on the fluffy side and trying to make good choices to get back down to a healthy weight naturally without surgery. I am trying to be supportive of her, but my food choices that are geared to gain weight which are sabotaging her efforts to loose weight.
Mother / Father / Relatives:
think that I am perfect. See nothing to gain, loose, or anything. Just take me at face value and harbor no judgment. Do not encourage me to eat more, eat less, or anything. Are just thrilled for me for the sake of being thrilled.
Acquaintances:
assume that I am still on a diet, and am restricting my food intake. I do not know how to hang a banner that says. I am done. This is a good spot. I am now eating everything normally. I do not feel that their attitude is at all ugly. They are really being supportive. I just do not like to have to 'explain' myself. Don't I look like I am done? Don't I appear that I have lost enough? Shouldn't I BE eating more?
Other WLS people (Those that have been down this path):
Of the 'active' peoples that share the same month, about 80% are not to goal. Really do not understand the problems of exceeding the goal. Do not have any empathy for the delima of stopping the weight loss.
How do I 'respond' (even in my own head) to that? There seems to be a 'underlying' goal of 'being on track' of maintaining by continuing to deny certain foods, or restricting intake. That may be my problem in 6 months, but it is not my concern today.
Because my concern today is that I do not know what the future holds. Each day I eat what I think is healthy, or what I think will give me more calories, or what I think will put me at a healthy weight and I do not know what the future holds. I do not know if the mal-absorption is working against me when I have empty calories or what. I do not have answers and so far, no one else does either.
I eat three reasonable meals a day. I focus on fiber to keep the constipation at bay. I focus on protein to keep the lean muscle loss to a minimum.
Then I have grazing / snacks between the meals that are carb-rich, calorie dense, in hopes of getting my overall calories / fat intake up. Which defies the whole point of the first 15 months of learning to eat 'protein' rich as a lifestyle. But the more I eat, the less I weigh.
I eliminate the exercise, trying to conserve what calories that I can secure. But feel guilty about that as well. It feels like a roller coaster ride, up and down, round and round, up and down, round and round. So many factors, influences, outside pressures, inside pressures. Everyone is supportive but looking to me to define where I am healthy and I do not know. I do not have answers. Because I am in uncharted territory.
What do you do when you exceed your expectations and have no road map ahead of you?
