I have been working towards wls for 76 days, I have 10 days to go and I have changed my mind more times in the last 76 days than I have about anything else in my life. I do not like to yoyo back and forth like this, to constantly second guess myself.
Taking ownership of my lifestyle and food intake choices has been difficult for me. I know that I have issues just like 'everyone else' but, it still amazes me that they have consequences on my exterior body. Most friends and intimate family (husband and children) do not see that there is a need for weight loss and obviously see 'me' rather than my body. this is a good thing.
My extended family (parents and grandparents) are just the opposite, they almost obsess over my weight, every single conversation involves asking if there has been a weight loss, since I was 20 years old. while I am partially doing it to get them off my back, the ultimate reason for wls is the physical health issues I have been experiencing in the last 4 months. my heart feels like it is getting irregular and could be showing signs of giving out. fine. time to change something.
the support of my darling daughter #2 has been very sweet, she thinks that it will be a kick to my previous 'relationships' with a return to my 20 year old's body and a 'kick in the ass to them that blew me off'. I can see that as a bonus, but definitely not the objective. surviving is the objective. surviving this week, this month, and this year.
after all, my children need someone to boss them around, I flatter myself as the matriarch of the family.
So here I am, 10 days away and terrified that something could go wrong. I have a very close friend that loves her new body 3 years out and another friend that was my husbands colleague that died within two weeks as a result. I have another close friend that is a widow because her husband did not have the surgery. So I am still torn, and I really think that it is a crap-shoot.
Either way, I and I alone have to make the choice, follow the guidelines and keep my spirits up. It is my choice. Of all the things that I think that it is, the easy way out it is not. *sigh*
I am finding that lately, my mind and body are balking at the restrictions in my diet. I am re'reviewing all the limitations and knowing that this has been a real PITA for the last 76 days. I have not had a weight change/loss in 10 days. that concerns me.
While I do have a cautious support sytem of friends, they have a trepidatious heart that this will work out well. I know that there are risks. I do know that I am making progress over the last 76 days, but as I explained to the doctor, I can do anything for 90 days and then I just do not have the 'staying power' to continue. I feel heavy hearted, and nervous. what if's are pretty traumatic thoughts. there are some that are much better off, some that are better, some that are worse off and some that are just flat dead from this. course there are some that are all that without any surgery. it is a real crap shoot.
I have no answers to life's questions, I am making this up as I go along, like everything else I have ever done. I just hope that my being here has improved the lives of those who have known me.
KAtkins Menu:
breakfast: grilled salmon, scrambled eggs, smoked salmon, coffee
lunch: teaspoon peanut butter
dinner:
exersize: nada
