New Years Resolution

An Incomplete Manifesto for Growth Author: Bruce Mau (1998)

1. Allow events to change you. You have to be willing to grow. Growth is different from something that happens to you. You produce it. You live it. The prerequisites for growth: the openness to experience events and the willingness to be changed by them.

2. Forget about good. Good is a known quantity. Good is what we all agree on. Growth is not necessarily good. Growth is an exploration of unlit recesses that may or may not yield to our research. As long as you stick to good you’ll never have real growth.

3. Process is more important than outcome. When the outcome drives the process we will only ever go to where we’ve already been. If process drives outcome we may not know where we’re going, but we will know we want to be there.

4. Love your experiments (as you would an ugly child). Joy is the engine of growth. Exploit the liberty in casting your work as beautiful experiments, iterations, attempts, trials, and errors. Take the long view and allow yourself the fun of failure every day.

5. Go deep. The deeper you go the more likely you will discover something of value.

6. Capture accidents. The wrong answer is the right answer in search of a different question. Collect wrong answers as part of the process. Ask different questions.

7. Study. A studio is a place of study. Use the necessity of production as an excuse to study. Everyone will benefit.

8. Drift. Allow yourself to wander aimlessly. Explore adjacencies. Lack judgment. Postpone criticism.

9. Begin anywhere. John Cage tells us that not knowing where to begin is a common form of paralysis. His advice: begin anywhere.

10. Everyone is a leader. Growth happens. Whenever it does, allow it to emerge. Learn to follow when it makes sense. Let anyone lead.

11. Harvest ideas. Edit applications. Ideas need a dynamic, fluid, generous environment to sustain life. Applications, on the other hand, benefit from critical rigor. Produce a high ratio of ideas to applications.

12. Keep moving. The market and its operations have a tendency to reinforce success. Resist it. Allow failure and migration to be part of your practice.

13. Slow down. Desynchronize from standard time frames and surprising opportunities may present themselves.

14. Don’t be cool. Cool is conservative fear dressed in black. Free yourself from limits of this sort.

15. Ask stupid questions. Growth is fueled by desire and innocence. Assess the answer, not the question. Imagine learning throughout your life at the rate of an infant.

16. Collaborate. The space between people working together is filled with conflict, friction, strife, exhilaration, delight, and vast creative potential.

17. ——————————. Intentionally left blank. Allow space for the ideas you haven’t had yet, and for the ideas of others.

18. Stay up late. Strange things happen when you’ve gone too far, been up too long, worked too hard, and you’re separated from the rest of the world.

19. Work the metaphor. Every object has the capacity to stand for something other than what is apparent. Work on what it stands for.

20. Be careful to take risks. Time is genetic. Today is the child of yesterday and the parent of tomorrow. The work you produce today will create your future.

21. Repeat yourself. If you like it, do it again. If you don’t like it, do it again.

22. Make your own tools. Hybridize your tools in order to build unique things. Even simple tools that are your own can yield entirely new avenues of exploration. Remember, tools amplify our capacities, so even a small tool can make a big difference.

23. Stand on someone’s shoulders. You can travel farther carried on the accomplishments of those who came before you. And the view is so much better.

24. Avoid software. The problem with software is that everyone has it.

25. Don’t clean your desk. You might find something in the morning that you can’t see tonight.

26. Don’t enter awards competitions. Just don’t. It’s not good for you.

27. Read only left-hand pages. Marshall McLuhan did this. By decreasing the amount of information, we leave room for what he called our “noodle.”

28. Make new words. Expand the lexicon. The new conditions demand a new way of thinking. The thinking demands new forms of expression. The expression generates new conditions.

29. Think with your mind. Forget technology. Creativity is not device-dependent.

30. Organization = Liberty. Real innovation in design, or any other field, happens in context. That context is usually some form of cooperatively managed enterprise. Frank Gehry, for instance, is only able to realize Bilbao because his studio can deliver it on budget. The myth of a split between “creatives” and “suits” is what Leonard Cohen calls a 'charming artifact of the past.'

31. Don’t borrow money. Once again, Frank Gehry’s advice. By maintaining financial control, we maintain creative control. It’s not exactly rocket science, but it’s surprising how hard it is to maintain this discipline, and how many have failed.

32. Listen carefully. Every collaborator who enters our orbit brings with him or her a world more strange and complex than any we could ever hope to imagine. By listening to the details and the subtlety of their needs, desires, or ambitions, we fold their world onto our own. Neither party will ever be the same.

33. Take field trips. The bandwidth of the world is greater than that of your TV set, or the Internet, or even a totally immersive, interactive, dynamically rendered, object-oriented, real-time, computer graphic–simulated environment.

34. Make mistakes faster. This isn’t my idea — I borrowed it. I think it belongs to Andy Grove.

35. Imitate. Don’t be shy about it. Try to get as close as you can. You’ll never get all the way, and the separation might be truly remarkable. We have only to look to Richard Hamilton and his version of Marcel Duchamp’s large glass to see how rich, discredited, and underused imitation is as a technique.

36. Scat. When you forget the words, do what Ella did: make up something else … but not words.

37. Break it, stretch it, bend it, crush it, crack it, fold it.

38. Explore the other edge. Great liberty exists when we avoid trying to run with the technological pack. We can’t find the leading edge because it’s trampled underfoot. Try using old-tech equipment made obsolete by an economic cycle but still rich with potential.

39. Coffee breaks, cab rides, green rooms. Real growth often happens outside of where we intend it to, in the interstitial spaces — what Dr. Seuss calls “the waiting place.” Hans Ulrich Obrist once organized a science and art conference with all of the infrastructure of a conference — the parties, chats, lunches, airport arrivals — but with no actual conference. Apparently it was hugely successful and spawned many ongoing collaborations.

40. Avoid fields. Jump fences. Disciplinary boundaries and regulatory regimes are attempts to control the wilding of creative life. They are often understandable efforts to order what are manifold, complex, evolutionary processes. Our job is to jump the fences and cross the fields.

41. Laugh. People visiting the studio often comment on how much we laugh. Since I’ve become aware of this, I use it as a barometer of how comfortably we are expressing ourselves.

42. Remember. Growth is only possible as a product of history. Without memory, innovation is merely novelty. History gives growth a direction. But a memory is never perfect. Every memory is a degraded or composite image of a previous moment or event. That’s what makes us aware of its quality as a past and not a present. It means that every memory is new, a partial construct different from its source, and, as such, a potential for growth itself.

43. Power to the people. Play can only happen when people feel they have control over their lives. We can’t be free agents if we’re not free.

Secret of Success

each day is a new day. a new day to succeed or a new day to totally screw up. most days I screw up, just my nature. heehee

so the difference? even if I screw up royally, sometimes to the point of completely throwing everything up (not as much fun as you would think) I can retry the next day. very much like an alcoholic falling off the wagon, I know. but since food is a necessity, the key is to learn to live within the confines and rules of the game.

rules of the game:

eat each day. eat three times a day. do not feel guilty. do not miss a meal. do not over or under eat. know in advance what you will eat. pre-measure and know that when the plate is empty. you are done. do not wait so long between meals that when you do get food, you do not DEVOUR it and forget to chew it up THOROUGHLY!

so knowing that, knowing that there are limits such as volume and content. currently my volume is 4 oz and content is 90% of anything that I want to eat with the exceptions of the following that make me sicker than a dog:

hot dogs, cheap hamburger
sausages
bagels
corn & cauliflower
corn chips
noodles (chicken noodle soup)
sweets like cake frosting, sweet breads, trifles

knowing that the high fats and high sweets still can kick me down, I do sincerely try to avoid them.

I just have the hardest time with 'maintenance', not in volume and content, but fluids. I KNOW that I need it, I know that it is important, but finding the time, well that is another matter. same with the regularly scheduled meals, sometimes I get so much fluid, that I am not hungry come meal time. so lately the challenges are not nearly as hard as they were in the beginning, but challenges they remain.

the greatest lesson that I have learned on this journey, is that I was not taking as good a care of me as I was taking of everyone else, which was completely mental. how can I take care of anyone else if I do not take care of me. basic and fundamental. so now that I have 'me' squared away, and know that I have to maintain the maintenance for a lifetime. taking time out for me every day not just once in while.

how many times does a mom say, well I do not have time to eat right. I do not have time to sleep right. I do not have time to exercise. I do not have time to WHATEVER. I really do not think that it is a matter of having or not having the time, but finding time to remember to take the time. heehee

[If you give a mom a muffin, she'll want a cup of coffee to go with it. She'll pour herself some. Her three-year-old will spill the coffee. She'll wipe it up. Wiping the floor, she will find dirty socks. She'll remember she has to do laundry. When she puts the laundry in the washer, she'll trip over boots and bump into the freezer. Bumping into the freezer will remind her she has to plan supper. She will get out a pound of hamburger. She'll look for her cookbook. (101 Things To Make With A Pound Of Hamburger.) The cookbook is sitting under a pile of mail. She will see the phone bill, which is due tomorrow. She will look for her checkbook. The checkbook is in her purse that is being dumped out by her two-year-old. She'll smell something funny. She'll change the two-year-old. While she is changing the two-year-old the phone will ring. Her five-year-old will answer and hang up. She'll remember that she wants to phone a friend to come for coffee. Thinking of coffee will remind her that she was going to have a cup. She will pour herself some. And chances are, if she has a cup of coffee, her kids will have eaten the muffin that went with it.]

so get a calendar and make a schedule. mine actually text messages me throughout the day and makes life so much easier!

the second pearls of wisdom would be that life does not begin and end with children. they are the the most or the least of our day, they do not define us or give us reason for existing. they simply are important to us. I think that once I figured that out, delegated 1/2 the parenting of said children to the other half, my life became much more stable. children do not need to be 'involved' in outside activities, it does not fulfill them or deprive them. I think that we set ourselves and our children up to fail by putting such an expectation of being so involved in so many things that no one is truly happy.

imagine my children finding such pleasure in just existing, without all the brouhaha of a plethora of activity and my pleasure in not constantly being stressed about schedules and changes in routine. this is a much healthier way to live. I do work outside of the home, but I do not let that dictate that I need to 'show more of an interest in my kids' by shuttling them to yet another activity to show that I am interested. (If that makes any sense) I do visit the school an hour a week and 'that' shows my interest. reading to their class once a month has shown more 'interest' than an entire season of sitting on my butt freezing my blooming arse off at a bleeding soccer field. (I did it with the twins, never again). even a quarterly lunch hour with the kids at school is worth more per minute than 10x the time spent chauffeuring to some stupid activity.

yes, Erik does patrol the cul de sac with a vengeance. 90% of the time, he is at Brettyn's on her trampoline as anything else. as for the happiness of true boys, they would be THRILLED with living in the country, I would just need to get a backhoe, and make them some jumps,and they would be on them 16 hours a day if possible with their bikes. the week we were in Boise, they lived on the BMX track! They think that living in the city is unreasonable torture. but if you must be a soccer mom complete with SUV, heehee, go right ahead. snicker. as for me and my clan, no 'rules of fair play' we are seriously doing good to get him to his weekly chess club for 1/2 hour after school. it dread the days that I have to supervise that activity. grueling.

teaching my children that I am important enough to put first teaches them that they should treat others as more important. I truly believe that by putting ourself last as a mom sends the wrong message to the child. they are not the center of the universe and to imply that they are does them a dis-service. Their self esteem does not need it. you just end up with kids that grow up to be self absorbed, self centered and selfish. It surely doesn't hurt that fathers learn that mom is not the last of the totem pole either. ;-) total win/win situation all around.

Right Mindset or Wrong One

the reason that some diets work and others fail, is that most TELL you what and HOW much limiting content and quantity. I have found this to be extremely helpful this year. it was freaking amazing that a human CAN easily live off of 1-2 oz meals, three times a day and not DIE. heehee, hungry yes, but still have plenty of 'fuel' stored up on fat all over the body. I am total living proof of that. I had 7 months supply of fuel stored up and it was killing me carrying it around. now that I have exhausted that supply, am eating more reasonably, I find that most people eat an obscene amount of food out of 'habit' rather than 'need'. decide what you want to eat, how much and start a routine, it really helps.

I didn't use a photo as motivation, I had one in my head, but I find that even today when I look in the mirror, I do not see any difference. I have always had a hard time with visual dysfunction. I didn't really see me getting fat, I really didn't see me getting skinny. I lost and gained 100's of lbs and couldn't really tell. so a photo or even clothing size were not able to help me. I had to just know that I could have xx amount of a certain food for this or that meal, and that I had a limit of meals a day. and just follow the plan.

things that make me happy:
lights.. lights make me happy. christmas lights. candle lights. light reflecting off a lake, light passing through a waterfall. I love light.

giggles.. giggles make me happy. a baby chortle. a tween giggle. a mother laughing. even the mild hysterical giggles of my insane little girl makes me happy. each and ever giggle in the world means that someone is happy.

things that make me sad:
Magnus is still pissed at me for going to see Naomi for the summer and he spent the summer with his father. he thought I abandoned him even though HE went to Norway and Germany for 4 weeks. He still tells me that he does not love me and that he loves his dad best.

Erik tells me he loves me all the time, but it doesn't ring true. it 'feels' like he is just sucking up because he knows how hard it is on me that Magnus says that he does not love me.

Everyone is tired of hearing about it

what size I am. what weight I am. many find that it is 'old news' and I should obsess about something else. hmm. like what?

so for the record, so that I can see it in print. and maybe 'get over it'

as of today:

I am 5 ft 7.25 in tall which in metric is: 170.82 centimeters
I am 154 lbs which in metric is 69.85 Kilograms
I am a size loose 6 US (8UK) (36 Euro) if I could find a 5 US, it would probably fit better, but the 5 is not a Misses, it is a Junior, and those do not fit well at all. so I will just wait. I can get a 4 on, but it looks obscene as of yet. ultimately, I am 1 inch too tall for average pants and 3 inches too short for tall pants. so while I have bought a couple of pairs of average to 'get me by' ultimately, I need to get all TALL's and hem them.

as for anything else. well, 5 US bottom, for underwear, and a 36DD on the top, still can not find good support other than Playtex, they seem to understand SUPPORT. Victoria Secrets do not understand support at all. Underwires are totally obscene, never get one of them on again. OUCH! have been peeking at bare necessities, and they have a couple that seem to have some good coverage. I got a wierd one, called Lumaire, it was a metric 80, but a 36D, they didnt have a DD and I figured that I would shrink. so what is the point, we shall see next month.

Promising in the Bra Department:
Goddess or Lilyette on my wishlist

oh gracious, I went to a warehouse here in Clarkston, got Levi's for $12 a pair, yipee skippee. that is sweet. size 30x32 regular fit 505's. I am giggling my tail off!

*sigh* never happy?

I am a bundle of nerves right now. I am 5 lbs from my surgeons goal (I am guessing since I have not been on a scale in 10 days) but my body is changing about every 3 or 4 days and it is freaking me out. on Friday the 15th I was in a 32x32 pants, on Monday the 18th I was in a 31x32 and today I am in a 30x32. what is going to happen next month? I am happy where I am, I was happy where I was a month ago.

I have modified my eating to slow things down, but so far it is not slowing down yet. so far my husband thinks that I still need to get to goal, my children think that I am below goal, my parents think that I am just right, and my inlaws think that I have gone below as well. what is freaking me out the most is that guys are hitting on me. heehee okay that is not such a bad thing, but seriously, gives me the willies. snicker.

mine has gotten much more obscene in the last 8 weeks, but my surgeon says that there is no way in hades that a PS will touch me before 18 months post op, and preferably 24 months post op to ensure that too much skin has not removed. so I have just learned that I will dress to hide it and hope that most will evaporate during the next 17 months.

in the mean time, I just cover it all up and forget about it.thank goodness it is sweater season. ;-)

as for me, it is good to know that those that are exercising like crazy people are dealing with the same issues, I do not feel nearly as bad knowing that by not exercising, I am not doing myself a disservice. I hate exercising.

currently, I am finding the more horrendous flaps are the back of my thighs, the inside saddles of my thighs, the backs of my upper arms and my belly and boobs. I got size 6 one piece swimsuit and I still use a cover up because I am not comfortable with my body

so I serious would like a mirror that would let me see what others 'see' because what I see is that I have gone too far, my personal goal was size 10, not a size 4. I really do not like the bones of hips, ribs, and shoulders sticking out. I think now I am going to have to re'define' what I want my body to look like, and start adding muscle back on it.

It is beginning to look a lot like Christmas

mine was good. spent in a motel room, but filled with love. my parents and two of my three daughters as well as a son-in-law-2B were here. I kept trying to get everyone away from the 'food' being the reason for the season and on to something else. ;) it was hard, every few hours people talked about what they were going to eat next. heehee

most would think that a holiday feast in a motel room would not work, but actually it worked very nicely. we got two adjoining rooms, (a concept my mom had never heard of) and we pulled the little tables together, one from each room, and the three chairs from the other room and had exactly enough for all 6 of us, we went to costco and got a rotisserie chicken, a bucket of Waldorf salad and a dish of sweet potatoes a pumpkin pie, and with my microwave, had a very very nice dinner. and my absolute favorite was that there was minimal left overs, just enough for two more meals. I AM TOTALLY loving that.

we deliberated on where to eat out that would be most cost effective, and while it would have been about $10 a head at a buffet, this ended up being $5 a head. and we had two more meals, so that ended up being even a better deal.

as for decorations in a motel room, I went to the dollar store, and picked up some battery operated candles, and garland, and felt banners, an evergreen wreath and a couple of poinsettia bushes to make a great window and table center piece.

the presents were just right, not too few, not too many. hysterically, my mom got me a cook book for Christmas as well as two crystal candle holders that were inlaid with 24K gold. I was just grateful for surviving my surgery, for being with my family, and for being healthier than I have been for 20 years. the fact that I was in a size 6 was totally a bonus. I am getting more used to the fact that when I go in to a store it is harder and harder to find anything my size, since 6's are just not that plentiful. I imagine that if I get any smaller, the challenge will get bigger.

Oh What a Feeling!

it is fabulous to be 41... and have your ex-husband standing at the door looking at you like you are a completely different person. that stupid ass asked me of I wanted to have sex with him, told him hell no, he would squish me! hahaha what a loooooser!

I flew cross country on my birthday yesterday, and I had a very nice day. no traveling gliches.

One of the things that I have noticed over time is that the less I care about other's opinions, the more they try hard to get in my good one.

I have gotten mixed reviews, my daughter is not comfortable with my new size, but her boyfriend is. gives him hope that she will start to loose instead of gaining.

but I did not do it for the ex, or for the kid, I did it for me.

Before I was a mom

Before I was a Mom I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom - I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.
I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put them down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom - I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom - I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom.

Jittery

Some say that I am a feather ruffler, that is soooo kewl!! hahahaha other's say that I am an inspiration?? I am wondering how to 'continue' to live up to that one...

I am finding that the more 'hard proteins' the better I loose, but the better I feel. now lately I have been on one very very long carb fest, totally self sabotage I know, see my other posts about getting too skinny, and I find that I am getting pretty jittery.

so I can see that hard proteins and crunchy greens keep me in balance. I had crunchy greens for breakfast and felt really good all day. then I carbed out for lunch and now feel pretty jittery. I just need to STOP. I just wish that I felt bad enough to actually follow through and stop.

maybe that is the inspirational part, that I am profoundly skinny now, but still have the same issues that everyone else has. learning to cope with my new body.

Happy Birthday!!!

today has been very very good! very very! I easily stayed awake all night, I packed remarkably light, only for got a couple of things, the trip was SMOOOOOOTH and easy. my pouch was very well behaved with the contraband that I gave it on the plane and in the airport.

I arrived in Lewiston and 'JOSS' the Ford Explorer was waiting for me. a quick mile walk down to where he has been parked for the last 4 months.

the motel check in was okay, in original request was perfectly taken care of, but due to changes for Jazz's consideration, everything was messed up. the drama and trauma was someone went through my 'storage' at the motel and took my microwave / hot plate / caste iron skillet / and my dvd player, they pawed through the little people toys, but essentially left them intact. and the batman tent is missing. I am pretty bummed.

Jennifer is waiting to see if Naomi can come see me tonight after school. I would really hate to have come on my birthday only to spend it alone.

Blissfully Exhausted

tired? if you are looking for something that will make you tired. go into business for yourself. HOLY CRAP I am so tired right now. heehee

I do not know what I have done in the last 8 weeks. I have no idea how much money I have taken in, or how much money has gone out, all I know is that I am TIRED!!!

it has been the most rewarding and exhausting two months of my life. I have not concentrated on 'me' as much as I have the business, I went shopping and now I have to take the clothes back, some are too big and I need a size 5 instead of a size 6 because I have not been 'paying attention' to anything but the business.

but what a fantastic feeling to do this much work in an area that does perk your interest!!! I am totally loving it!

update for those that are just tuning in: I am still married to the same guy that I married in 1997. that one that I ordered off the internet. still working out well. I am still the mom of 5 hell spawn. each one finds new and improved ways to drive me crazy, lately it is calling me at 1:40 am or if I ignore my cell phone, calling me on the house phone. gracious. they act like it is all about THEM! heehee

2006 photo album

dd#1 is living in Montana with boyfriend, and two dogs (pitbulls) and she is happily working at Home Depot as a cashier.
dd#2 is living in Texas with fiance and dog (boxer) and cat and she is getting married next month and grand baby #1 is due valentines day.
dd#3 is living in Washington and she is doing okay, going to visit her tomorrow.
ds#1 or designated offspring #4 of five is in first grade and tells me he loves me every day. he is a nice boy.
ds #2 or designated offspring #5 of 5 is in Kindergarten and tells me that he DOES NOT LOVE ME and that he LOVES PAPA (dad) and I think that he is just being ornery.

the magical BMI shuffle... I did it. I finally did it!

height: 5ft 7.25 in
weight: 158 lbs
BMI? 24.7 which is considered NORMAL!!

went back to the mall with two pairs of jeans that did not really fit. I tried on some smaller ones. Levi's 501's 31x32 sweet!
and while they were too tight to wear, I was able to get on two different pairs of 4 regular, had they been 4 fluffy, I could have walked out of the store with them. heehee but I went ahead and decided to wait. I am not a solid 5, not a 4 or a 6, but a 5. so in a month, I will definitely be in the size 4's.

New Photos!!!

time to update those ol' photos of me. I am a size 4/6 now and definately able to keep up with the youngest two of the klan.

little suzy homemaker

I spent the morning hemming pants. for the last 20 years I have been so fat, that I just accepted that all my pants would never be long enough so long as they were wide enough I was okay. well no more.

yesterday I bought them to fit in the waist and the length, and if they didn't make them I got longer ones and spend the morning hemming them. I am so tickled with myself. I am no longer a fashion disaster.

I got the giggles today

I decided to make a life altering change 9 months and 1 week and 3 days ago! I went to the doctor and asked the question, will this really work for me. he said yes, but it is just a tool, the ultimate question is can you make it work for you, can you change who you are and what you do to cope when you have issues, so 6 months and 2 weeks ago, I went in for surgery. now it is 4 days before my 41st birthday and I am still alive (was not sure about that 7 months ago) and now I am LIVING not just EXISTING!! I am completely off all medications, 100% except for my flintstones each day. I am able to work and play and live like I could 21 year ago. I am back to the weight I was 21 years ago. my BMI is WITHIN NORMAL RANGE!!!! according to WHO and CDC and I am in the 33% for my height and age! 66% of people my age weight more than me. how freaking cool is that? so yippee skippee I am going out today in search of clothes. while I am still loosing about 2 lbs a week, it has slowed down enough that I feel safe getting some tight clothes and knowing that I will not be running nakid. ;)

at my last surgeon appointment, he said he didn't want to see me. at least until 12 month follow up, heehee I have heard through the grapevine that I OFFENDED him. guess my 'personality' pushed a button. but all I can say is that I am a success story. I will be at goal in 4 weeks and I am healthier than I have ever been in 21 years. at my 6 month visit, he said I could eat fruit. kewl.

OMG... that was such a rush today!!!

btw.. I ended up in a size 4-6

that is not a typo

that is freaking true

6 pants and 4-6 sweater. I am so totally dying here!!!

my hubby is super supportive. but he said, those jeans are not nearly as tight as the ones you BEEN wearing, are you sure you got the right ones. heehee I may have to go back and exchange them. he is right, they are pretty baggy. the waist is tight, but the rest is not. I am so out of practice doing this.

from a size 22/24 to a size 6 in less than 7 months just blows my mind to bits! I went to a christmas party and most everyone knew, but there were a couple that found out and were just amazed, kept calling me 1/2 the girl I was. goofs. but all in all, everyone thought I looked fabulous. I sure felt fabulous!!!

not only do I feel great physically, but yes, the emotional boost is something. I would pick something that I REALLY did not believe I could get into, and I could. it was just 'insane' to hold something up that has never ever ever fit me as an adult, and I felt so stupid walking back to the changing room with it. it was such a waste of time. but what was really a waste of time was having to walk back out and find something SMALLER!!! I really felt like an idiot!

well a funny thing happened on the way to the mall today. I made a really bad choice, I combined a bunch of waffle fries from Chick-fil-a and a sweet tea and I ended up with a high octane belly ache and a strong desire in sears to puke. it passed and I threw the food away, but I should have known better. or at least... well.... anyways, so at the Christmas party i was really good at first, I had the ham and the salad and the green beans. but then I had a bite of cookie, a bite of pumpkin bread, and a bite of cake. I swear, you would think that I would learn, but UNFORTUNATELY, nothing happened, I did not get sick. one minute my body rejects one thing, the next minute, it is fine. I never know what I can get away with. but of course due to that, I keep trying to find out.

I did a big treat day for me. a new hair cut, brow and lip wax, manicure, pedicure. wow, a lot of pampering, I may put it on my schedule for each month on my birthdate. this is something that I recommend, a little pampering can go a long way.

End of the week

as of today: 158 lbs
this time last week: 160 lbs

over the first three months post op, I was loosing 4.12 lbs a week

over the second three months post op, I was loosing 2.1 lbs a week

before surgery, I was loosing 1.76 lbs a week on my own. so this far out, I am still doing better with surgery, than without. it was definitely a good choice.

"I had a friend........" the beginning of a story that was never going to turn out well.

"we had an intervention......" also something that rarely works.... for some, the drama of falling off the wagon is almost a euphoric high, do not get sucked in.

there are alcoholics in this world, sitting at the bar at 9 am with a highball (yes, I grew up with first hand experience of this) that are crying in their beer because their family is sick and tired of their crap. shocking I know. "C" on the head for clueless!

I made a choice to make a change. NO ONE made it for me and no one can take credit it but me and my surgeon, but ultimately his work was done in 90 minutes, the real work started after that. months and months and months of work. and people that do not work at it, regain or die.

this FRIEND is not ready to make a change, just to whine about their life. talking til you are blue in the face is not helping them, THEY have to know and eventually they have to make a choice. today they choose food. when their heart stops, or starts to have issues, they may seek help. or not, but you can not let it wear you out with the drama.

I TOTALLY agree, I hate to see people suffering, I hate to see them eating them self to death. and I know the temptation. there is a plate of girl scout cookies sitting on my desk from my daughter, and I had one after breakfast, but if I do not carry them back out to the garage, I will nibble on them all day. I HAVE MADE A CHOICE TO BREAK THE CYCLE. not my daughter. not my hubby. not my son's. me. I take control of the situation. I remove the problem. some would whine about her leaving the cookies, I just pick them up and get them out of the way. because I can make those choices, no one else can make them for me.

I am going to enjoy the rest of MY life. I made the right choice for me, I had the surgery, I live with the benefits and consequences of that daily. I can not make someone else's choices for them.

my confidence has already kicked into over drive. I am not waiting another hour, let alone day, week, or month. this is the first day of my second life, I am not going to waste it.

I am still the one behind the camera. but that is okay, I look good back here!

I am not going to wait until 07 to try new stuff. I have never understood making new years resolutions. spending the last month of a year regretting what you have not done the previous 11. I do not make new years resolutions. I make new morning resolutions. each day I may regret what I didnt do the day before, but I am not going to wait until next month to try something new.

but to 'play along'

the only thing that I would like to do that I have not done, is rock climbing. and not the indoor fake stuff but I mean real rock climbing. in the rocky mountains of montana or idaho. which I will wait until june 07 simply because it is to freaking cold right now. I checked.

http://www.nps.gov/archive/glac/webcams/smcam.htm

(back yard) http://tinyurl.com/dyy2o

I get hungry now, if I skip a meal or if I eat a fully laden carb meal, I get to the point that I am starving. which has been frequently lately. I really need to break that cycle. today I am back on schedule with food, I just hope that I can keep it up all day long. it is usually always good in the morning, cottage cheese and blue berries, something to drink, but by 2 pm I realize that I totally missed lunch, and then by 4 I am starving and by bed time I am in a fog what did I eat and when?

awe nuts...

having just completely emptied my pouch after what I THOUGHT was a good dinner of a reasonable amount (1/2 the amount I had for breakfast, I feel gurgly. I am still 10 lbs away from target but at this point, that is not a worry. at this point I am grateful for being alive and healthy. for being completely off medication. my life is a do over. I have a grand baby on the way and I will be there to help raise him. what a blessing! I just can not figure out why I can eat at food on one day, on the second day, and by the third day,

Twas the Night Before Christmas

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood-burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

Momma comes FIRST

the very best thing that I could have ever done for my boys is to put me first this year. to really put me first. I was on a fast track for heart problems and it was the only thing that I could think of to save my life.

so we did some major renovations on me instead of the house. and it was phenomenal. I wish I could be a poster girl for the rest of the mommas that think that if they put themselves after the kids that they are doing anyone any favors. they are not. those kids do not need a 25% MOMMA, they need a 100% momma and a working momma needs to take care of the momma.

while I am working 120 hours a week this month, and loving it, they know that there will come a slow month that I am not going to be working 120 hours, and while I am working like mad, I am still volunteering a hour each week at the school which is just plain madness but they love it. it actually counts for more like 10 hours to them, kids are strange.

but I still have to stop and take a pause and maintain my health and that has been on the back burner for YEARS. not anymore. I am 8 lbs from my weight when I graduated from high school. it feels great to be back in a size 10 and have the energy to do all this great stuff with my kids.

Wretched Party

I had a table spread that was to die for!

I had enough food there for 60, but we ended up with 3 other guests besides myself and my daughter. I mailed out invitations. I called to confirm. I can not imagine why people are as rude as they are. 8 other ladies said yes, definitely, and then never showed. the two bridesmaids said on the phone at the beginning of the party that they were on their way, just around the corner, they never showed up. can you imagine? I can not.

so the ladies that did show, mother of the groom, mother of the bride, employer of the bride and friend of the mother of the bride and the bride. that was it.

we played the games, we ate the food. I had 1 tablespoon of each of the foods. I stopped 3/4 through my saucer and was finished. I didnt over do it. I was really proud of that.

I portioned out the rest of the food sending it home with everyone so that they each ended up with 4 plates of food and I took home the rest.

Krys did get a gift card from the employer, to target, and a cake decorator tool from Pampered Chef.

I made a booklet that had 1 photo of Krys from each year since she was a baby, it also had all the recipes from the food I made. and all the games in it. took me forever to make it. but it was so cute. it also had the groom in the last 5 years of photos since he joined our family.

I called the groom and asked him questions about him and krys and then krys had to guess what he would say. it was fun.

we hid a ring in the cake, and the employer found the ring in her slice. got every thing cleaned up and back home by 10 pm.

so before the wedding ends up the same way, what could I have done differently? the wedding 'save the date' cards went out 3 months before the wedding, the formal invitations went out 2 months before the wedding. I have received some RSVP cards back, but now with 11 confirmed attending that never showed I am leary of that false positive. do I set up a call list to confirm each the week of? but we DID that for this party and still ended up with 2 guests besides the lady hosting and the guest of honor and myself. I do not want to set up 15 tables again only to use one. and I really do not want to worry about setting up 45 tables if only 3 are needed. and I really really really do not want to buy that much food to go to waste.

is it that bridal showers are out of vogue? what the flip went wrong? it was on a Saturday night, shouldn't have been a conflict.

*BUMMED IN TEXAS*

Bridal Shower

the invitation list is 62 ladies not counting me

I am cooking 90% of the food. here is what I have created today:

lemon water (water with lemon slices floating)
7up / sherbet white grape fruit punch

creamy (sour cream) mushroom dip
salmon mousse dip
crackers

sliced black forest ham
sliced turkey
sliced cheese
tiny croissants
mayo/mustard

mushroom / rice / cream cheese bake
macaroni n cheese
german potato salad

costco chocolate cake
rhubarb upside down cake
chocolate cream cheese torte

and the 'hostess' from pampered chef will be making the chicken ring

I have a sinking feeling, I either will have TOO much food or TOO little. I am aiming for too little, I really do not want left overs

2 oz M & M's

I have not been trying. I am not sure what I am doing. but I am not doing it very well.

today I had 20 oz of tea

and I think that was it.

is that BEFORE or after the bag of M & M's I ate for lunch? heehee

go with after:
last week: 160 lbs
this week: 161 lbs

damn m & m's

I had 3 oz of 'sturdy' protein for breakfast, but then had 2 oz of chocolate for after school snack.

I am freezing to death here. which is nuts. I live in the tropics.

well dinner was much improved for me. I started out with 1/2 cup of broccoli, and followed up with 1 oz of halibut, all very very good for me.

I have not had any other contraband. I thought about WHY I ate the 2 oz of m&m's, stress from work. stress from putting the dog to sleep. stress from such an excruciatingly small order from a daycare this week. it just bombarded me this week.

then I thought about it.

2 oz of chocolate. not 2 lbs, but 2 oz. really in the scheme of things that is not THAT bad. okay it is HERE. but out THERE in the real world. 2 oz is not that bad. ;)

tomorrow will be much more difficult. my daughters bridal shower. lots of goodies to bake .

gasping for air

I think I am paddling as fast as I can. I swear, I have not really done ANYTHING for me lately, I am so swamped with work, but I promise after last nights issue with dinner, I will take time for me. just as soon as I can.

today to do:
shower
get dressed
make American Express Credit card payment
make Wells Fargo Credit Card Payment
make Capital One Credit Card Payment
answer 6 phone calls from 6 parents about orders that didnt make it in by deadline yesterday
call day care director with request to post information about late ordering
process 11 orders (fix blemishes, order prints)
create 2 custom holiday cards
place 1 holiday card order
FIND Capital One Credit Card
call printers with new credit card number and exp date
clean house before client comes over to pick up order that never arrived (shipped friday)
get cards dumped from yesterday session (1048 images)
format cards before 4 pm for today's session
fax digital release to CVS for client that did not get her form yesterday
eat breakfast
format word to print names directly on 5x7 envelops for orders (still not working)
take vitamins
call back missed calls from morning
get list of invitees and phone number for daughters bridal shower in Two days to lady hostessing it.
schedule to get keys to building for shower
find AAA battery for my alarm clock
charge cell phone
create a 'wall paper' for client's desktop
create 4 Digital Negatives Disks for Clients with custom lazer labels
design new format for thumbnails for Disk cover that fits in CD case, print them
print print custom releases for digital negatives
eat lunch
photo copy all checks and attach copies to invoices
endorse checks and deposit
sort out 'bank bag' and find the receipts, put in the 'book keeper folder'
sort out literally desktop, find the web redesign files and notes combine
sort out literally desktop, find the price redesign files and notes combine
locate envelopes to put in partially complete orders as they come in or are completed
email 5 parents about orders that were placed at the last minute, that now they need them TOMORROW.
custom design download page for two customers that need digital disks TODAY.
upload pages and images and directions to complete process.
freaking lose my mind
answer calls from two daughters, one that is grief stricken over loss of dog and other that is spastically happy over paycheck from workmans comp.
get to post office with orders and packages
meet kids bus in 18 minutes
take vitamins
wait 21 minutes for each lazer disk to burn

aawwweee, I am still out of lazer disk cases.. can we say fecal material. I went to the store last night, but they were out. now I still do not have a car today, and I still need them today. and I am getting more frantic by the minute.


LOL

isnt that HORRIBLE? I will make time for me when I get time.

the whole point of why I am at this point, it always putting me last.

I ended up in bed at 7 pm last night after completely dumping on dinner (meatloaf / sweet potatoes) so my body forced me to settle down. I just keep telling myself, just 12 more days, just 12 more days.

Good Bye Xena

my daughter Krystal is a good girl. she has a huge heart. she adopted a boxer puppy that was a breeder return a year ago. the dog had severe digestive problems, has been babied and pampered for the last year, just to keep her alive and fed. she has always been THIN. krys tried every thing to get her to eat and maintain weight. science diet, echanuba, all the 'good' food. she got her companions, she would kennel them when Xena was eating, so that she didnt have to
share. she never left her alone for more than 4 hours.
about 7 days ago, she stopped eating, they would coax her, and sunday she ate, but then puked it right back up.

well, today she was just too far gone with Ketosis and the Vet recommended that it was time. he gave her less than 10% chance of survival. Krys has loved this dog as if she were a first born child.

the vet said kidney failure was the final challenge.

simple day

yesterday I worked on a new 'avenue' of photography, maternity. I was awkward at first, took me HOURS to get my mojo, but by the end thankfully, it was grooving and while I didn't get to my third victim, she is rescheduling for today, I felt 'better' about it. more comfortable and seeing a sense of accomplishment.

not that I do not get a sense of acomplishment from the diet and weight loss, but it does not define me. today my daughter told me that I have no shape. that my butt is completely gone. it was a little painful. I have lost like 20 inches in the waist, it is extremely curvy IMO. but she doesn't see it because of the shirts that I wear really do hide it. not on purpose, just the way that it is. yes, I am not 'attached' to these since they will only last a few weeks. my doctor gave me the go ahead to start eating normally, to slow the weight loss down. that is going to be interesting, since I have been eating normally for weeks now and the weight loss has not only not slowed down, but speed up in the last week. freaking me out to no end. but still do not think that it is time to invest in clothing just yet. I do not think that he can sympathize, he is 6ft 4in, is 166lbs and has been a string pole his whole life. while he has loved me at all sizes. to his credit. he has some empathy for addiction, he would love to kill himself by eating chocolate, at the very least to TRY. such a dork. he may be a little less infatuated with the 'attention' that I am getting, after all, so many ask me how and why all the time and he knows that on some levels I would rather talk about my photography, since that more defines me than what or how much I eat.

Tears in the Dressing Room

okay, I am such a loser!

I am 6 months out and 10 lbs from goal. I went to Target to find some work pants for tomorrow, took in two pair, a size 10 (personally doubting that I stand a chance) and a size 12, fully expecting them to be fine, maybe tight.

the 12's were falling off and the 10's were loose.

I put on the Large sweater, it was too big, and the Medium sweater was tight across the bust, but too loose on the tummy.

and I felt my eyes well up and I swallowed more than when I am starting to dump. I knew the day was coming but I never really let myself BELIEVE that it was coming. I am not even to GOAL but my body has changed so drastically, I just do not BELIEVE it. it is just so emotional in that little room. ;)

now I realize that I will continue to loose some more, but I do not know for how long. that has been a fear in the back of my head, it just keeps shrinking. clothes that I bought just 4 weeks ago hang on me like some bag woman.

so I put both pairs back, they were full price $30 a pair and since it is obvious that they will just fall off in 3 weeks, I might as well keep going to the resale shop until my body slows down.

I tried to talk to my husband about it, but I seriously think that he is getting tired of talking about it. his mom is painfully thin and she said this week that she is a UK14, and here I am a US 10, which is the same size, but the 10 is 'loose' and so I am thinking that I will be a US 8/UK12 by my birthday in 3 weeks. he really does not want me to compare myself to anyone else, is normally good advice, but for some reason today it is irking me. I think that was what got hubby going. my trying to convert to UK sizes since he swears that american sizes are this and that, and UK sizes are this and that and his mom is this and that and he just can not believe that I am a size smaller than his mom! I will have to post a photo of her. to me it is a freak of nature that I would be smaller than her. to him it is physiologically impossible. HEEHEE

there is a clothing place here that loans prego clothes to low income moms. they bring them back and get the next size larger. very kewl. I just wish that they had that for WLS patients. what a blessing that would be.

so I had my cry, I left the store with the same baggy clothes I had and I still have the same problem. I hate buying clothes for 4 weeks. so now I am getting crabby. ;) I have issues.

for some reason this brain can not wrap around the idea of buying smaller. I just cant do it. I know I will shrink, but for years I had a size smaller in my closet with tags on and it just drove me insane. THEN I had surgery and had to give them away with the tags. it just made me

I know I am a great success, but I swear, I keep waiting for the bubble to burst and to start gaining or something. I am still in disbelief! I just do not know what I love anymore. my goal was a size 10 rather than a 'weight' goal. and now I am there, I am going on down. I really do not know how I feel about a size 8. very confused emotionally.

thank you for reading my blog. it is really the 'ramblings of a mad woman' according to my dh. heehee but he is from Norway, and well, scandinavians have their own issues.

I have been lax in my blog, so freaking busy at work. gracious, it is a good thing. I have had 63 customers this month, that is like more than in the last 3 years combined. freaks me out. heehee

I am so not a clothes whore. I am not a shoe whore. I AM STILL IN MY ORIGINAL SHOES. that is pretty bad.

I am a clearance wrack baby, no doubt about it. but they didnt have squat for WARM clothes on that rack and it is colder than a witches-tit in December here right now. so I HAVE to get some seasonal stuff.

I know shopping is supposed to be fun, and it USED to be, but ttthhhhbbbbb. I hate this. I really truly do.

oh oh oh about selection. I am not kidding you, I was sad that two of the shirts that I REALLY LIKED were in the PLUS Sizes. freaking made me go nuts. all the nice clothes are in the plus, all the teeny-bopper clothes are in mine, and I want GROWN UP CLOTHES. obviously I am shopping in the wrong store, but still!

I do not like the button all the way down shirts, I do not like the gathered at the waist shirts. I do not like the spaghetti strap shirts. LOL I am such a mess.

and CHECK OUT YOUR new photo! whoo hoo, hot momma!

had my 6 month visit with wongsa, made him giggle. we talked about my next 6 month goal, and he freaked when I said 'you suggested 140 on our last visit' and he asked me to stand up and show him where I would find that extra 10 lbs. heehee I grabbed my tummy, and he was like, that is SKIN, you can worry about that in 18 months when you go to the plastic surgeon. do not lose the 10lbs under it, then you will be TOO SKINNY. nuts.

Eventually I will be MAINTAINING. yes, I can see being a total clothes slut! I will be out there buying myself into debt easily. but during the losing, it just makes me insane. I just pulled three shirts that are XL and I remember standing in the changing room and my daughter telling me that they were too big, buy smaller and I didnt because I really didnt think I would get smaller. that was in AUGUST. here it is DEC and they will not stay on my shoulders and cover my bra. I adjust my shirt to cover my bra more in an hour than I do any thing else. it is my own fault.

I have a wedding coming up in 6 weeks and I can not go buy a dress for it because I have no freaking idea what size I will be. just makes me impatient!

yippee skippee

I hate how quiet my computer gets on the weekend. everyone acts like they want to spend time with family or something.

as for eating, that is pretty much same ol same ol. today I had cereal for breakfast, no protein so no pep. pork chop for lunch, and a b12 drink. more pep. and now for dinner. well. I am thinking chili.

I am back to the 'normal' snacking, but I am working 20 hours a day, so it is hard to GET UP and GO EAT. which is why I am in this situation in the first place. I put me down as LAST priority instead of first.

I do not know where I am in %, but I would say that it is close to 95%.

I had my 6 mo visit and we talked about changing my goal to 10 lbs lower and he got pretty stern with me. asked me to stand up and show him where I would find that 10 lbs to lose. I showed him my tummy, all the extra skin and he said, if you lose that 10 lbs, and then when you get plastic surgery to remove all the skin you lose another 10 lbs, you will be 10 lbs under and that is not healthy either.

just get to ideal weight plus 10 and chill.

Last week: 165 lbs
This week: 160 lbs

loss this week - 5 lbs

Total loss - 115 lbs
next goal- 150 lbs

Dinner at Church Social

the dinner was good, chicken breast, salad and rice. I ate what I wanted of the chicken (less than 1/2 and the salad, about 1/2 and put a napkin over the rest to signify that I was done. worked great, no one commented.

desert.

desert was some pumpkin pie / whipped cream / ginger snap cookie concoction. I had a teaspoon or two of the pumpkin pie like substance. waited about 12 minutes I was in the bathroom and I went in search of what I had just ate: I had the pumpkin pie / pudding / brown sugar / whipped cream thingy, and with a Tablespoon ,. it was the tons of brown sugar that did me in and possibly the pudding, both are new to my 'list', i have had pumpkin pie without a problem, but occasionally I find that it is food that I am not used to.

I think that our tolerances change periodically. I find that I can tolerate somethings, but the 'fourth' serving is what puts me over (even if it is not on the same day) ultimately I stick to my safe list of things to eat and rarely deviate.

I know that many times it if is a safe food, then the problem was that I was not 'paying attention' when I ate, and I woofed, didnt chew well, and or ate too much too quickly and gracious. I feel wretched.

if I do not 'talk on the phone' I am better about getting in my 'normal' amount and not feel over stuffed and the need to