What is normal Anyway?

the scale is sliding back down to normal (1.5 lb gain this week freaked me out) which of course sends my 'mood' into orbit as well.

I read that jcpenney had a great sale, but only found two blouses, what really sucks is that i have lost 61 lbs in 4 months and have not changed sizes. how freaky is that? I am still a size 20. so my boobs and my waist are the same as before, and so no need for new clothes yet. ;-(

two more weeks here in the north, and then back to houston, where it is of all things cooler. ;)

103'F today here, ewh. it is 87 in houston, but 87 humidity, so that sucks too!

so far today, I got 1/2 my vits in, started on my zipfizz, and will get some steaks in. plan to make meatballs with cream of broccoli tonight for dinner. have to clean out the fridge. ;) and save some money on eating out/groceries.

WEIGHT: 214.2
FLUIDS: yesterday: 35 oz total (50% of goal)
10 oz propel
5 oz water
10 oz protein shake
10 oz sf hot chocolate
EXERSIZE: 1.5 miles (mall, mcD's)
PROTEIN: (30g)
1 oz fish (5 g)
1 oz chicken(5 g)
1 oz ham (5 g)
10 oz protein shake (15 g)

awe... I feel your pain. I have just gotten used to never trying anything new without being 15 ft from my home toilet. ;) and sometimes it is not new, it is the same thing I have eaten for 3 days, and then, it just decides to 'react',

I think of it like the express way, there are 6 lanes, all in the same direction.
preop: you take two lane roads and go anywhere you want, you have redlights, you have congestion, and eventually you live to get to your destination.
postop: you take the freeway: if you want to take the feeder/frontage which is safer, it is slower, you can easily get in an out of gas stations. you eat what you want, when you want and you bail when you want to.

if you want to take the expressway, it is faster, but it is one direction. and there is a minimum and a maximum speed limit. if you stay in the slow lane, some will pass you by, but you are fairly safe. you stick to the food plan and you do not consume any contraband.

if you get into the fast lane, you must be prepared to haul butt down the road, sometimes going 10 mph over the speed limit if you want to 'survive' this path will land you in fender benders (dumping) occasionally, but hey, it is quick.

I have discovered what will and will not cause me to get sick and I am inching onto the expressway, having spent 8 weeks on the feeder and learning my limitations. some say 'back to the basics' and I do believe that keeps it fairly simple. proteins first. if you fill your pouch with proteins (meats) then you really can not go wrong. it is boring but it is efficient.

Blip on the Radar

It has been interesting this summer. I am not driving all over the countryside. I am not journaling all my exploits. however, that is the consequences of spending time just getting healthy instead of spending time with each child, trying to make it memoriable.

Magnus is having a great time in Norway. He loves going out on the boat on the North Sea. I have not gotten an update from the trip to Tronheim yet, but I am sure that he is loving it.

Erik is constantly wanting 'entertainment', if not swimming in the pool, skating around the motel, if not at the dollar store, then at McDonalds, if not picking blackberries on the greenbelt, then in the sand along the river. we went to a park and he had a plethora of toys to climb on, but without other children, he was lost. we even walk over to costco for a change of pace just to get out and move. he got a little go cart from Jazz, and that captivates him for a few minutes, but overall, it has to be human interaction or cartoon network.

Naomi seems to dip in and out of reality more and more. I assume that it is the extreme heat that she is not tolerating well. while I do not need the a/c on this summer even in 106'F, I do keep it on for her. she prefers the pool, or eating. she has been doing a lot of that lately. she is now much bigger than I was when I got married the first time. her weight is over 135 lbs and she is still very short in stature, closer to 5 ft even. it is too hot to take her on walks, too hot to do much of anything but swim, but that works, that and playing quietly with the toys that are her old familar friends when she comes to visit.

Krys is coping as best she can with the choices that she has made. her life long partner is her choice. her consequences in living arrangments, are her choice. daily, I remind myself that it is not up to me to help her. it is not up to me to teach her, from now on, she is responsible for her family and she will have to live with all those choices.

Jazz is doing realtively well. she takes 3 steps forward and 1 step back. I really feel for her. she works as much as she can, but she has not perfected her work ethic yet, and they are being patient with her, guiding her down the right path. she really is fortunate in that aspect. her boyfriend is not the most 'affectionate' person, but that is really healthy for them. she is learning that it is not all about her, so I am not getting in the middle of it. she makes choices, she lives with the consequences. all in all, she has grown tremendously in the last 3 years. she is much more polite and respectful and it could have all gone a totally different way at the rate she was going.


after dealing withe the concept that the surgery is considered permanent. what will happen in the future?

I am 8 weeks out and my stomach has not stretchd yet, it is still only 1 oz in size. I had planned to be less careful about what and how much I eat after I get down to my goal weight. I was told that my tummy will stretch so that it can hold more. by christmas it should be able to hold 8 oz, so I could potentially eat 8x what I eat now (1 oz) so that will increase my food intake from 135 calories a day to 1200 calories a day just by shear volume.

then if I include some goodies that I am not eating now, like carboydrates my caloric intake will go up another 500 calories, to 1700 which is the normal recommended intake.

it is so funny, they say that it takes 1700 calories to function a day, that is such a crock. I have been existing on 125 - 200 for two months, and the scale does not move down as fast as you would think, there are periods when I do not lose an ounce for days and weeks. you would think that I would be loosing a pound a day but I dont.

I am waiting to see if that really happens, yesterday
hmm that is all well and good. but let's review. I have a 1 oz pouch.

breakfast: 1 oz turkey
lunch: 1 oz roastbeef
snack: 1 oz asparagus
dinner: 1 oz salmon

now to evaluate what I can gain from that (fitday):

Calories Eaten Today

	grams	cals	%total
Total:		156
Fat:	4	36	26%
Sat:	1	10	7%
Poly:	1	6	4%
Mono:	2	14	10%
Carbs:	11	25	18%
Fiber:	5	0	0%
Protein:	19	78	56%
Alcohol:	0	0	0%

maybe I need to work on that Alcohol goal. heehee

Picture Update

Naomi and I are just leaving the motel room to go have breakfast at McDonalds. Naomi had Pancakes, Erik has buscuits and I had sausage.

Chinese Garden Colon Cleanse

ROTFLMAO

it must be the MSG because while I have been craving Beef and Broccoli for weeks now, I never expected the total complete unadulterated colon cleanse that I got from one 1 oz serving.

now I have been stressing over the scale ever since this began. at first it was weekly weighins, then daily weighin's and then bidaily, and then quad daily, and that has continued. I tried going two weeks without the scale, but ultimately caved and bought a new one. I have replaced my addiction for stuffing stuff in my mouth with weighing myself. my mood swings fluxuate with the scale. I do not recommend it. I constantly tell myself that it is inaccurate, that I should wait until morning before food after pee, but the fact of the matter is that is what happens.

I chart my change, only recording if the scale moves and then keeping a permanent record of weekly measurements. my chart is practically my best friend. it makes me happy. today I updated it again. that being said, confessed, and absolved. no freaking wonder people get bleeding ulcers from this process. gracious me. the doctor told me 4 lbs a week. I missed the target by 1 lb this week and by 3 as it was looking yesterday. this is a lot of stress. this is a hard road to hold. or is it row to hoe? I never can figure that one out! it makes it very difficult to focus on any thing else.

at least I had the soundness of mind to do this during my summer break so that I do not have to focus on other things like work or kids or household chores. although those might be how others get through this, is focusing outside of the body. they may be the healthy ones.

so "downward movement" has made today a 'good day' and I do not want to fret anymore. I will stick to the plan, considering that deviating yesterday with hashbrowns and sausage gravy had negative impact. and we shall see how it goes.

I am just a bad bad kitty kat, (swishing tail, as I scamper off to get into trouble)

stupid is as stupid does

the doctor said: lean meats and leafy green vegetables.

I said: yeah right.

week one:
eggs, with or without yoke does not make a difference, all make me nauseated as hell. with salsa are my favorite breakfast, so that totally sucks.

week two:
I had four sips of lemonade, and puked my guts out. I regretted the lemonade. the very essence of DUMPING

week three:
cauliflower, SUPPOSED to be BENIGN, tremendous gas.. big nono oh nono

week four:
so I ate 1/2 a radish and puked my guts out. I regretted the radish. (side bar, the blood red beat that went down after the radish was oh so lovely coming back up!!)

week five:
cinnamon roll... foamies.. yeast ball in the tummy, puke, nauseated. ;-( bad kitty kat, bad bad kitty kat
cheapo hamburger meat, meatballs. also supposedly benign, not even LEAN means LEAN. this stuff is just toxic waste. mental note avoid at all costs.

week six:
granola is highly overrated, hit the tummy like a ton of bricks.
a soft pretzel, and alternatively puked foam, gagged, and puked my guts out. I regretted the pretzel TREMENDOUSLY.

sample tables at costco are dangerously alluring. first off, three tables and your pouch is STUFFED. secondly. those chips are evil. top with smoked salmon, innocent enough, topped with beans. BAD NEWS. bad bad bad news. what was I freaking thinking?

week seven:
so I ate hashbrowns and sausage gravy, and puked my guts out. I regretted the sausage gravy. there are moments when I just regret the concept of food.

the sad point is that I can not 'call anyone' for sympathy. I was given the idiot proof menu, I choose to break it, I have no one to blame but me. I can sit, look in the mirror and think, YOU is a BOZO!! You are a hard headed stubborn MULE. you just never freaking learn.

however, heehee I have learned that I can have tillamook ice cream, dry corn flakes, a couple of cookies, a little popcorn, some seedless green grapes.

I have no patience

I just want to be at goal already. I can see a change, not just on the scales, but on my body. However, I am alternating between rebellion and compliance. saturday was a 'bad' day, I got sick with every meal, granola was a bad choice for breakfast. soft pretzel was a HORRIBLE choice for lunch (gagged as I puked on the foamies) and projectile vomited on the 'premade' meatballs from Costco (too high fat content + did not chew well enough = blech! so total daily consumption of food -0-.

each day is a challenge. I am 'tired' of the same ol same ol taste, texture, and flavor. the best choices are turkey and roast beef lunch meat, but horrible gas. I am so sick of ketosis garbage mouth. asparagus works best, but so bleeding boring! sprinkled different powdered seasoning but nothing can mask the dull boring drudgery of it.

treated myself to some vanilla cookies (1.8 oz) with a WHOOPING 250 calories. YIKES. they were too sweet and I got heart flutters, so that was not a good choice. since the package had only 8 cookies (1.8 oz) I was able to STOP before I really went into Dumping. I was just dying for something to nibble on while watching a movie. it is all about relearning habits, so far. I think I would be better once I can have 'frozen' smoothies for such occasions.

I have been rather sluggish and tired lately, tried getting out and walking yesterday, had some salmon that was too oily, and some corn chips that were too blech, and some beans. that would have been fine if not for the corn chips, so rethink that plan. you can get totally filled up at the sample tables at costco with a normal size tummy, imagine with just 1 oz? heehee it is a whole new experience. ;) I did sneak back for two samples of the salmon, and should have just let it go.

have been taking naps each afternoon, just so tired. have been so very careful this week, not out in the heat and sun, hydrating, finally hit the mark yesterday. woke up without cotton mouth = clear urine = hydrated. it is a delicate balance.

while the scale is slowly creeping down (-59 lbs so far) to 216. I am learning that there are some foods that are no longer on the menu:

cauliflower
radishes
pickled foods packed in oil (artichokes and mozzarella)
granola
fatty hamburger
soft serve ice cream
lemonade
soft pretzels

the good news is that there are still some goodies that are still digestable:
tillamook ice cream and Pizza Hut Pizza, Yumm.

doing great on my vitamins and gall stone medication, but really trying on getting enough fluids in. find that I am super tired in the afternoon, so may be due to dehydration. each day is a new challenge!

but as the weight falls off, my heart has an easier time getting through each day. I have been 'tired' lately, even when naomi is here, I have been taking naps, probably aslso due to the limited calories (125-200 / day) and the heat. I have not had the a/c on since all my company left, the temperatures have been great and my arthritis has been better with out the a/c .
I have not really had the motivation to walk down by the river since my parents. I think that dehydration bought was just too scary. once it cools down I will try again.

My advice to PreOp Panic:

I got on the scales today. 218!

I have not seen 218 since 1993... I kept telling myself. I just need to TRY harder. I just need to be more CONSISTENT. I just need.... blah blah blah.

I will not tell you that it will be easy. it is not. anyone that thinks this is a cake walk is in for a rude awakening. this is one of the most challenging lifestyle changes ever.

BUT...

it does work. period. you will survive. you will succeed. you will take back control of your life. now granted, your body will bitchslap you if you go out of your way to self destruct. ;)

FAITH:
my first recommendation is prayer. not only your own prayers, but enlist all of those people around you, far and wide. trust me, they work.

PREPARE:
second. even if you started 3 years ago, you will never 'get all your affairs in order' but you can make a start, and then keep resolutions to make some changes. I really felt touched by 'live like you were dying'. I did start treating people better, and resolved to continue after the surgery. I am finishing that 'book' project that I have been puttering on since 1991 (it is a great 'quiet time' project this summer while I heal.

REFLECT:
third. journal. blog. but write out your feelings. your thoughts. your fears. keeping them inside just freaks you out and gives the fear a food to feed on and that is not healthy.

RESOLVE:
fourth. you will change your mind 100x a day, even after the surgery. ;-) this is just NORMAL. I still have days that I think, what the hell was I thinking. but I keep a chart of my progress. my weekly weight and my weekly measurements. I post a graph that shows the slow decent. http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1971/2472/1600/20060710weight.0.jpg

each week, I update it and it FEELS SO GOOD. I have a goal, I have a tool. I can be successful.

TRUST:
people will be supportive, it is just human nature, people want the best for you. when you need another pick me up, talk to people, it feels wonderful.

SELFLESSNESS
the hardest part for women in general, is to stop swollowing all their own sorrow (along with jelly donuts) and to take time out for themselves and put themselves first. it took me 40 years to finally get to that point. TODAY I COME FIRST. my vitamins are first. my protein is first. my fluids are first. my exersize is first. I am first. not my kids. not my laundry, not my customers. ME! it is not selfish, selfcentered, or self absorbed. it is survival. just like in the airplane. put your own air mask on first before try helping your child or others. this is a tool that is the most selfless act you can do to give your family the best mom/wife/daughter possible for as long as possible.

PEACE:
when it finally comes down to it. LET GO AND LET GOD. just like anything else, he is not done with you yet. granted, this is a factory recall, and your plumbing was not 'perfected', I know I kept thinking, I must be INSANE to go in and deliberately have someone comeplete reroute my plumbing. it defies all logic. but just like someone that needs other surgery from birth defects, this solves a problem that was there from birth, through no fault of our or our parents choice, we were born this way, and now we can resolve the problem.

FUTURE:
the first rule is that there are no rules. what I could not eat last month, I may or may not eat this month. this can go either way. it can work FOR your or AGAINST you. how far I walked last month may or may not be how far I can walk this week, also can work for or against you. there are guidelines and they will work for you, each doctor has operated, and then listen to customer feedback and has perfected his method and routine that will work for you if you follow it. listen to your body, when you think you need to move, move, when you think you need to rest, rest. do not measure by what you used to do, throw that out the window. each day is new and different.

SMILE:
you will be okay, you will learn all about YOU. you will take time for YOU! you will succeed! and you will love how good it feels to be YOU!

Typical Day

my Rx was eat only 3 time a day so that has made it much easier.

730 am
2 vitamins
8 oz herbal tea

9 am
eat my 1 oz turkey

930 - 1230
sucking down 23 oz bottle of zipfizz

1 pm
1 oz salmon

130pm
23 oz propel

6pm
1 oz asparagus
2 vitamins
6:30
(3) 8oz herbal tea

9:30
1 oz roastbeef

this is not 'exactly' what everyone or anyone is doing, but this is what works for me.

Baby Steps downhill

driving myself crazy without a scales this summer, I gave up, gave in and bought a new set.

why oh why

I have been battling the bulge my entire life. For a treat, I would get a bag of Doritoes and a 6 pack of Dr. Pepper. From the time I was in high school, when I thought that little pouch on my belly was something. In 1984, I was 5ft 7in and 150 lbs, just 10 lbs overweight. I gained 60 lbs with my twins, and then lost almost all of it immediately (within 5 days) after they were born. Just 10 more lbs kept hanging on. While my eating habits were poorly based on McDonald's, I did exercise a tremendous amount, so I didn't suffer a lot of retaliation from fast food. YET. Once I started college (in 1987) when they were 15 months old, I started some additional bad habits, not only was dinner fast food, but now breakfast was from the snack machine, a package of Grandma's Cookies and a can of Coke each day on my way to lecture. As my class load increased, so did my waist. By the time I was a Junior in 1990 I had gained yet another 20 lbs, and then I had my third child, and gained another 30 lbs, after she was born, I could never get below 200 lbs, I took tons of nutrition classes, special classes on weight management at the hospital, paid tons of money to learn to eat healthy. All efforts would have a small success and then a larger failure. By 1995 I had gained another 25 lbs, in 1998, I gained 10 lbs over the holidays, and then I got pregnant again, ballooning up to 265 lbs. It took 12 months to take it all off, and then I was pregnant again, and gained again, this time up to 285 lbs.

During the last month of my pregnancy, my husband's office colleague died 14 days after having gastric bypass surgery. While I had toyed with the idea of surgery, this situation terrified me and completely turned me off the idea of having surgery. I tried unsuccessfully to loose weight on my own. I tried for four years with minimal success. Eventually I got down to 242, but then a combination of rheumatoid arthritis medication and anti-inflammation medication, and stress, I started gaining like crazy, from 242 to 275 in a matter of weeks, I started to get some other issues affecting my health. Mostly irregular heart rhythms and decreased energy and just general poor health. I made the rounds of doctors to find out what was wrong and all signs pointed to my obesity and arthritis so I asked the doctor if she would recommend weight loss surgery and much to my surprise, she did recommend it as well as a referral.

The first place I started in was http://www.obesityhelp.com/ and I did a lot of reading and research, finding out who in my area was the most successful surgeon, what methods had the best success rate. Talking to other people that have had the surgery and who has been able to 'live' with the change. The doctor referral that I was initially referred only does Lap RNY, so several resources all pointed in the same direction.

I was able to get it to see the doctor for the initial consultation within 5 days of seeing my primary care provider. To be 'approved' for surgery, I had to have an initial BMI of 35 plus co-morbitities or 40+, mine was 42.1.

I was put on a strict diet (to accommodate my body to the primary food sources post surgery) while waiting for Insurance Approval (that took 28 days) and through preliminary testing (blood work, the EKG, the Gall Bladder Ultra Sound, the Upper GI, the physical exam, and medical clearance), that took another 3 weeks, eventually I got on the schedule for surgery. So my total preparation time was 90 days. It was an emotional roller coaster of dealing with when I eat, why I eat, all kinds of things.

The surgery it self was over so quickly, in at 7 am, in recovery by noon, home by 3 pm the next day, the learning to cope with the new tummy pouch, that has taken MUCH longer to get used too. What I can and can not eat, how much, how often when to drink, how to survive one sip at a time. That has been the challenge.

While on the restrictive diet the first 90 days, I was eating just lean meats and green leafy vegetables, it took some time to get used to but the weight loss was substantial. 10 lbs a month. I seriously considered continuing with that alone and not following through with the surgery. But as time went on it was harder and harder not to go back to old habits of eating food that was high carbohydrates. I felt myself back under the control of the carbohydrate monster and the cravings were driving me to consume them anyways. So I went ahead with the surgery as scheduled.

The surgery has a couple of benefits. One, you are FULL after consuming 1 oz of food. That limits your day to 3 oz of food or about 100 calories, which is highly effective in weight loss. The second is that the food you do eat is not fully optimized, and you miss most of the nutrients. The third is that you develop an intolerance for certain foods like sweets and oils. If I consume sugary sodas (with or without carbonation) I get nauseated and diarrhea, same with oily food. Even well cooked high fat meats that have been rinsed and drained can still make me heave, thus training me that those foods that are not good for me, make me sick.

One of the things that I am having difficulty with this month is that I am not able to be exercise as much as I was able to before the surgery. I have a harder time getting enough fluids to keep hydrated when it is hot and I am perspiring. I do not have the energy that I had (I used to be able to walk 8 – 10 miles) now I can barely go 5-6 miles.

Hope that helps answer your questions.

Liquid Challenge

no matter what I do, hot, cold, wet, wild, I just can not seem to get enough in each day. the fluids are still gurgling down, I can here them gurgle through my esophogus, it is a strange sound and I wonder how long it will last. while lunch meat is the easiest to 'portion out' and obtain, especially in a motel room, I still get horrible gas from the high processed nature of them. I really need a good old fashioned porkchop or chicken breast.

today I am starting with hot herbal tea. I am on my second 8 oz cup before breakfast. but that will pose some challenges as well, since I have been up for 2 hours and am getting hungry. so far I am still limited to 1 oz of meat and .5 oz of vegetables. I have to watch those last couple of bites or I will get over stuffed and then hurt for the next three hours. I would much rather eat .75 ounces and then have a snack in 3 hours than get in a full 1 ounce and hurt for those three hours.

have been walking a little here and there each day, about 1 - 3 miles a day, no dramatic speed races, just moving. hit the spa yesterday, nice and relaxing. my suit fits much better than it has in the past.

To date: 25 lbs lost before surgery, and 25 lbs lost after surgery, 50 lbs loss total. ;) I keep trying to develop a routine, even if it is only a couple of miles a day, just get out there and do it daily, then it is not such a 'shock' to the system personally I hate to move, but I force myself anyways. ;) I still want to weigh in 2 - 4 times a day but have deliberately left the scales at home on this trip so that I have to really work at finding other things to obsess about. I will trot over to costco today and see where I am at, (it has been 4 days since I weighed last) (sounds worse than a drunk, hey, it has been 4 days since my last drink. heehee)

Here's your Sign

I swear, I wonder sometimes at people. I had my son's 5th birthday party and invited some friends, it cooincided with my 1 month anniversary.

we were chatting about how I look (great) and how I feel (great) and how my pouch is limiting my food choices, not just quantity (totally shocking to them that you can exist on 3 ounces a day) and but content (no sweets and no fats) and they were just so many different reactions.

one woman was like well I could NEVER live without sweets, that can not be FOREVER can it? heehee she kept going on like I could change my mind and undo everything I have been working on for 4 months just because I can not eat the coconut pecan frosting off my sons german chocolate cake (I never ate the frosting before anyways) and she was getting so incredulous and finally asked my husband if I was really all that happy, he finally had to defend me, he said if you do not believe she is happy, look at her chart on the refridgerator, trust me, 50 lbs in 16 weeks, SHE IS HAPPY.

It continues to amaze me that people would continue to 'try to talk me out of the surgery' 4 weeks AFTER the FACT. I mean it is like:

[ ]
[HERE's YOUR SIGN]
[]
[]
[]
[]
[]

Loopholes

picture courtesy of Erik (age 6), the boy has talent!

my husband and I are at odds as well sometimes, he is totally into following the surgeons orders to the L-E-T-T-E-R. well, I am all about loopholes.
yesterday, while I was out WITHOUT supervision (mind you, I am 40, a mother of 5 and a soon to be grandmother of 1) I had gasp

1/2 a pancake for breakfast, with blueberries and whipped cream.

and for lunch, you are not going to believe this, for lunch I had

4 corn chips with nacho cheese. I swear, you would think that I was going to instantaneously combust.

dinner was just a freaking risk of life and limb, a deep fried cheese stick. (OKAY, that was really a bad choice, puked that up in 10 minutes) but live and learn)

it is my body, it is my choice, and I will be the one that pays the consequences. not him, not you, not the doctor, and no one else is in the bathroom holding my hair back while I am heaving, so I am the one that lives and learns.

that being said, WOW, the scale is moving again (just past the 3 week plateau) and life is getting better. now I am totally excited, for my birthday, I plan to get me a really really nice set of wedding rings that will fit my currently chubby fingers. ;)

let me tell you about Skinny arsed Horse Eating People.... this guy

can out eat me. when he packs his lunch for work, he takes so much food, it IS the size of a small child. he has breakfast, takes a morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, and then when he gets home, he has a protein smoothie and then an INSENSIBLE dinner.

last night for dinner he had 6 or 7 plate size pancakes, the night before he had something like 32 ounces of vegetables, he couldn't get any more on his plate, it would have rolled off.

it has been absolute hell living with him. he says that it is all metabolism. ttthhhbbb. I have more jiggles and wiggles than a bowl of Jello -Shotz and he is loosing too much weight because he is adding 60 mile rides on Saturdays to his normal work week rides of 15 miles per day. I huff, I puff, I nearly die of dehydration doing 9 miles on Saturdays and 3 miles a day during the week.

let me scream: it is not fair!

Progress that is hard won

little bites, lots of chewing

getting used to the 'rules' and finding 'loopholes' is my middle name. oh my aching tummy

dinner two nights ago, I woofed it down and got sick on my way to pick up krys in a rush

I was so sick for three hours. NEVER again.
I am so dehydrated today, every sip is just horrible on my tummy, I am sucking on popcicles, hopefully that will get some fluids in me.

I have my good days and I have my really bad days. good meals and really bad meals. I am learning a lot about me. I ate my dinner before sverre came home. some nice broccoli. He went to a lot of trouble to cook me perfect halibut fish dinner. and I told him that I had already ate. he measured out my portion, and left it on the counter. I should have walked away an left it, but I felt that it would be rude and I should have room. AUGH. I did not have room. I had to run Erik to a birthday party, I was sick for 3 hours. no amount of gas medicine would get the bubbles to go up, finally I started gagging and it came up in a napkin and I felt tons better. I think that the symethicone drops just got stuck in my esophogus. egads what an experience.

each day I have had one or two meals that were just horrible experiences. I have learned that 3/4 ounce is my limit, of anything. and while mint herbal tea worked well the first week, now it is just 'annoying' and I have raspberry herbal tea instead. this is just so complicated, do this, do that, meet this expecation, that expectation. what a pita. last night was bad dinner as well, I ate cauliflower and got HORRENDOUS gas bubbles in my tummy.

5:00 am: 20 oz water in 30 minutes, new worlds record
6:00 am: breakfast: 1 oz grilled chicken (slowly over 30 minutes)

horrible garbage mouth taste/smell- Ketosis. blech

Kat-Alert

I am doing fantastic!

each day is a learning experience on what I can and can not eat, when and what I can eat together, but over all, it has been really really successful.

Thursday I got my staples out, that was not pleasant, but it is over now.

yesterday I took the boys for a walk, made it 2 miles and drank 24 oz of water, that was really good for me. I can usually drink 1/2 oz at a time, each 10 minutes.

today I was fortunate that sverre did not go on his 60 mile ride with his biking buddy, so we loaded up the water bottles, packed lunches, and set out. we stayed in the subdivisions, using a long greenbelt part of the way to get in 9.2 miles, the last 1 miles was the hardest for me. my
original goal was 8 miles and I should have stuck to that, but I went adventuring a little bit and had a harder time getting home.

started teaching the boys to stop and sip every mile, so that they do not get dehydrated. we saw turtles, blue heron, squirrels and a very nice playground.

I am going to rest the rest of the day, I consumed .25 oz of beef for breakfast and .5 oz of pork for brunch and .5 oz of pork for lunch, so I am not due for dinner for a few hours. total calorie intake this week has been ranging from 20 calories (Thursday - Tuesday) and 100 calories
the rest (Wednesday - Saturday). I will continue with a 100 calorie days for another month.

total loss since March 5th: 40 lbs.

9.2 miles is 1.2 miles too far

10 days post operation and feeling great.

10 days post op

Picture update, 10 lbs lost since surgery, 35 lbs lost so far.

Motivation

today I was working on scanning all my film prints, 1977 through 2004, there are a BUTTLOAD of them.

I was doing great, finished 2004, 1/2 way through 2003, decided to get a wild hair up my butt and clean the glass of the scanner.

OOPs should have left well enough alone, now there is a strange blue / pink banding down the middle of the scans now.

grrrrr

sverre and I got into a grouchy fest this morning.

backstory: when I met and married him, he was a confirmed devout couch potato. today he dresses like lance armstrong and is an organic food fitness freak, 6% body fat! he is evil.

I asked him what changed from 1996 to 2006 and he got all pissy, "just because everyone I know never changes does not mean he cant change". HELLO
so i bite back, "no, I am fat, I want to know what motivated him, I would like some motivation, I would like a change"

"oh"

he is such a total turd.

anyways, he is off to work, I am off to work, and the boys are doing the standard issue summer school break bickering all day.

screaming

jumping up and down

I just got on the scales

I am only 4 lbs over what I was when I got pregnant with Erik! I have just shed 7 years of weight in 3 months and 4 days

okay, I feel better today.

motivation? no longer necessarily.

clue: today I packed a lunch for me and the boys to go to the park

(presurgery lunch:

2 pbj sandwhiches
3 bananas
3 corn bread muffins
3 water bottles)

today:

2 (1 oz) bags of pork chops
2 cliff bars
2 bags of gold fish
3 corn bread muffins
3 water bottles

now before, I could have easily had a nice snack and a lunch and been fine

today:
drank 10 oz water (wait 1/2 hour)
I ate 1 1oz bag of pork chop (good) waited 1/2 hour
drank 10 oz water (wait 1/2 hour)
ate 1/2 cornbread muffin (uhoh)
take a sip of water to wash it down (oh crap)
wait 1/2 hour with baited breath that I have just split open my pouch (new stomach)
take a single tiny sip of water at home 1/2 hour after last food intake (OH HOLY FREAKING HELL)
in the bathroom neasiated at hell, no puking, but you know the horrible taste in your mouth when it is imminent?
damn damn damn

okay

THAT IS MOTIVATION

back to being a good girl

1oz meals, every 5 hours and no fluids 1/2 hour before or 1/2 hour after

THAT SUCKED!

WHO am I?

I wear many hats.

I am first and last and foremost a MOTHER. There is no hiding it, no sidestepping the issue, it us undeniable. Even before I had children, I was a mother, parenting my mother, parenting my baby sister, I have been the grown up since I was 8. I have five children, the youngest boys are 4 and 6, and the oldest girls are 15, 20, and 20. While the three older girls are out of the house, I am still talking to them every 48 hours or less.

Number 1 daughter was born with bipolar disorder and raising her has been a love/frustration, exasperating situation for the last 20 years, 8 months and 14 days.

Number 3 daughter was born with autism and she lives in her own little world most of the time, but occasionally I can coax her out back into our world and get some positive interaction with her. It has been easy to obsess over her and do everything to make her better, but eventually you have to stop giving one child 90%, and put things back in to balance. Balance is the key.

I am a mother hen, I am 'always there' to listen and advice. I rarely bail them out, I refuse to enable the helpless, but I know how hard it is transitioning into adulthood, so I nudge along the right path, not necessarily the popular one, but the best choices for each of them.

I am a STORYTELLER. I steal moments in time, I secret them away in albums in zip lock bags on shelves, on CD's and DVD's for some day I will combine them with the story that I am writing. I started writing MY STORY in 1999, and it is EXTENSIVE, about 250 chapters, some are only a single page while others are 50 pages long. I have completed 23 generations of our family tree, back to the year 600 AD, to be included in our family story. When it is done, it will be a serious of volumes I am sure. When it is done. I have not finished because I am so busy creating other families chapters on film, but my saga continues.

I am a WIFE, and yes, for some reason, that comes third, and I was fortunate enough to find a husband that is okay with that. granted, I had to order him off from Amazon.com in 1996, and I have threatened to sell him on Ebay.com several time since, but once the 'honeymoon' wears off, once the 'tweaking' and 'PS'ing' is done, and we run our filters and our gaussian blurs, we make a perfect match. He is a computer hacking techno nerd that reads and watches SciFi, is vegetarian eating, bike commuting, and 6% body fat weirdo. But he is mine and he is happy with me. (Shaking my head, definitely a weirdo).

And I am ME. I never got enough time in front of the camera when I was growing up. I was the child from the first marriage, and naturally there were some issues there. Through a lot of emotional and physical abuse, I eventually found my solace in staying behind the camera (since 1977) and having a chocolate brownie snack to make it all better. I have been pedaling my bicycle for 12 months now and living my life, sometimes with and sometimes without the camera, but living none the less.

However, at the age of 40, I have made a tremendously strong move to put me first. (A powerful statement in and of its own) I am taking back control of my life, I am putting me first, not the kids, not the camera, not the clients, not the husband. This year, it is all about ME! I went to a doctor in March, I went on a pretty severe diet, I lost 30 lbs, I went in last week and the doctor performed gastric bypass, and now I am on my way to lose the balance (100 lbs) and taking a long hard look at being here another 40 years to really make a difference in those lives that I touch. I have had as near as I can tell 5 near death experiences, and there must be a reason that I am here. There must be something that I have not done yet. A gift or talent that I have to perfect and share.

Slow Steady Progress

someone nearly got hurt yesterday, I am soooooo hungry. 1.5 ounces of broth 5 times a day equals 20 calories. AAUUGGGHHH.. so I had three bites of chicken, wow. it was so good, but my tummy ROILED for an hour afterwards. yikes. two more days, just two more days.

I am 6 days post op, and I am starving. I have a 1/4 cup measuring cup for my broth, and while the first day was a little 'difficult' and I could not drink the whole thing, I can easily slurp one down, 5 times a day. as for the water. gracious, it is murder getting it all in each day. I have two 24 ounce sports bottles that I fille up from filtered water room temperature and keep them with me, the goal is one bottle before 3 pm and the second one before midnight. it feels like a rock. I can only do 1/2 ounce sips at a time. I did however sneak in two baby bites of fish on friday and two bites of chicken last night and my tummy ROILED for over an hour, so I am back to clear liquid devotion for another day. I can not explain why my tummy can easily slurp down a bunch of broth/tea but not water and solids but that is what I am finding so far. and I am STARVING frequently throughout the day. not head hungry, but you can hear my tummy growling, and creaking and gurgling begging for food. ;) 20 calories a day for the last 5 days and I am losing a pound a day.

I am STRUGGLING with staying hydrated. it takes all day to get 40 ounces in each day. Sverre is trying to get more hydrated as well, he agrees, you really have to concentrate. He times himself on the bike, and takes a 2 ounce sip every mile. I can only take a .5 ounce sip, and so I have to do it every 10 minutes. it feels like a brick hitting my stomach. tea and broth at warm temperatures are much easier to tolerate.

Pushing Hard

my mom is a red head and very sensitive to pain, I am a brunette and you can nearly drive a fork through the back of my hand and I hardly flinch.

I have not had any pain meds since 10 pm last night, I think I might use one more tonight to make sure I sleep comfortably.

I do not have a draintube, that would freaking driving me NUTS. they put the iv at the point of my elbow, what IDIOTS, every time I closed my arm, the alarm went off. SO GLAD that is out and over!

I took a toasty hot shower and washed my hair yesterday, hmmhmm good, I put on a maternity dress today to go out, the elastic band from my shorts friday were wretched! I can not say that the dress worked much better today. or maybe it did. lets talk about a mom's ability to push too hard? today: I started out slow, and then my 4 year old invited me to go with him and the rest of the family shopping, so I got dressed. after all, no sense sitting home being a slug right? the doctor said walk more.

I have 1.5 oz of broth for lunch
1st stop: Target: walking time 20 minutes, I am spry, I can do it.
2nd stop: Costco: walking time 1 hour 15 minutes, bang the cart against my belly, I think I am spry, I think I can do it, I am now hungry
3rd stop: Play it again Sports: walking time 10 minutes, tried out an incline bike, bang my knee into my belly, try the ski machine, freaking cool, I am not spry, I am loosing my mind
4th stop: Bike Barn, I sit in the car, I am old and I am decrepid
5th stop: BusyBody Home Gym, I sit in the car, I recline the seat, I pretend that I am not dying, my belly is burning where the staples are
6th stop: HEB Grocery is totally aborted, I am cranky, irritable and have heard the 4 year old tell me 'RIGHT MOMMA' so many times, I just want to stop and get some duct tape for his mouth. I am now starving

I am now home, resting, got some broth, the boys are somewhere else and I am starting too feel a little normal again.
I did search all over the house to find my backpack from May 9th, has my auxilary hard drive and holy cow, an order from that day. now I know I am loosing my mind.

yep, I pushed too hard today. I am going to get a good night sleep tonigh, and start back to work tomorrow, very slowly. just going to offer 5 sessions for the month of June.

rev up your engine with a little GAS

augh... they pumped a buttload of gas in my esophogus, my stomache pouch, my stomache, my upper intestines, gracious, where ever they could find to pump it. I had something blue dribbling out of my mouth for the 'seap test', great. thanks a lot. nearly as embarrassing as the something white for the 'barium test' these people are wicked.

so now, burp and fart, pick an exit and get it out. I still feel a little bloaty here and there, I think that it is overflow on the sensitive pouch, I am not sure, so far it is all liquids, so I thought that would just trickle on down stream or something. guess I am not 'sipping' slowly enough. whatever.

weaning myself off the elixir of love (tylenol 3 + codeine) Yummy. was every three hourse yesterday, today every 6 is doing the job. the staples are starting to get irritated, fortunately they only have 4 more days before they come out. feel like someone got a hold of a bosch staple gun from home depot and went freaking nuts on my belly!! 3 incisions with 5 staples each, and two with 3 staples each, that is a grand total of 21 flipping staples. HELLO? what ever happened to disolving stitches? what-ever!

so since cold water irritates the crap out of me right now, I switched to warm herbal tea without any sweetner, and got down two mega cups today. along with about a pint of broth, I am still hydrated, but not nearly enough. I am already getting anxious bout 'food food', wednesday is a loooonnnngg way away. I could do with some chewing. today I did do some chewing, and the spit it out, didnt need a repeat of the feeling friday with two bites of fish, that was not pleasant!

so when some guys asks if I spit or swallow, it is spit for now. HAHAHAHA

moving to lose?

I am home, and with a little help from liquid Tylenol with codeine, doing okay. yesterday was pretty bad, felt downright wretched. today I think is the turning point, feel like getting on the computer, first time since Wednesday, so you know I had to be pretty bad off to not even turn it on for two days. I am told as long as I keep moving around that I will get better, so that is what I am doing.

well today I rode my bicycle to the end of the block and back, when I could not find Magnus, I sent erik to get him, and erik ended up staying with him at a kid's house.

I got a shower, had a 1/4 cup of broth and now smell and feel better. ;) my spirits are pretty good. I guess the doctor was right, the sooner the mom is HOME the sooner she will get up and move and take care of the house and family. I picked up all the dirty laundry on the top floor and put it in the laundry room, and I cleaned the tv room where I am camping on the comfiest bed in the house, so I consider my 'house hold chores done' for the day.

KAtkins menu:

breakfast: vegetable broth
lunch: chicken broth
dinner: chicken broth

water, water, water

“Twas The Night Before Bypass”

'Twas the night before bypass, when all through my gut not a morsel was stirring, not even a nut.
The suitcase was packed by the back door with care, in hopes that a new me would soon return there.
I lay nestled, snug in my bed while visions of calories danced in my head; and me in my plus size pajamas and wrap, had just settled in for a long, restless nap.
When deep in my mind there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my dreams to see what was the matter.
Away to my fridge I flew like a flash, ripped open the door and drooled at the stash.
The moonlight reflecting off the beautiful snacks gave a luster of radiance to all on the racks.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but an array of the comfort foods I hold so dear.
With a familiar feeling of all those I'd pick, I thought in a moment I just might be sick.
More lovely than angels their voices they came, and they whistled and shouted and called me by name;
"Now pizza, now French fries, now chocolate galore, on cheesecake, on ice cream, on donuts and more!"
From the tip of my tongue, to the bottom of my toe, I will miss you all more than ever you'll know.
As an addict that shakes and stirs as he sits, I'll mourn the loss of my delectable hits.
So back to my bed I went with great haste, and settled back down with nary a taste.
And then in an instant, in pre-op I sat, nervously waiting to no longer be fat.
As I sat deep in thought and adjusted my gown, In came my surgeon in one single bound.
He was dressed all in scrubs, from his head to his feet and he seemed very calm as he eyed me like meat.
He looked at my chart, with his scope gave a listen, I don't think he noticed my eyes starting to glisten.
He was chubby and plump -- he could lose some himself, and I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke barely a word as he prepped for his work, he paused for a moment, then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger aside of his face, and giving a nod, out of the room he did race.
He checked in the next day, to his students gave a whistle, and away they all flew like a down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim as he walked out of sight, "speedy thinness to you and a healthier life!"

Filet Mignon

oh baby, that was delicious! moist, juicy, and gone way too fast!

today was warm chicken broth and coffee for breakfast
followed by a delicious zesty vegetable broth and free and clear strawberry kiwi Coolaid for lunch and
tonight will be a scrumptious roasted Beef broth with lemon water (2006 vintage)

I discovered that I am allergic to red dye 40, so no crystal light, Popsicles or jell-o today.

I will be in the hospital for 48 - 72 hours.

day one will be surgery and ice chips all day/night

day two will be .33 oz sips of water for breakfast and .5 oz of meat and .5 oz of broccoli for lunch and again for dinner.

if all goes well, I will go home that night.

then every day until June 7th, I will have 1 oz of broth three times a day and 60 oz of water, (.33 oz each 10 minutes).

June 8th, I go in and get my staples from my belly (laporoscopic) removed, and start eating .5 oz of meat and .5 oz of leafy green vegetables for breakfast, lunch and again for dinner. each month, I will progress up 1 ounce until December 1st when I will be able to each 6 - 8oz of meats and leafy green vegetables, three times a day.

June = 1 oz a meal
July = 2 oz a meal
August = 3 oz a meal
September = 4 oz a meal
October = 5 oz a meal
November = 6 oz a meal
December = 7 oz a meal

the blah blah blah's

I do love the feedback. here is my 'perspective'

I have given birth to 5 extremely large children (twins were 6lb 8oz EACH, (13 lbs total) Naomi a tiny 7lb 8oz and Erik a little bit bigger 8 lb 9 oz, Magnus the last one was 11 lb 3 oz). with the twins, I lost the weight, all but 5 lbs in 5 days. (211 - 155) that was pretty impressive. but as many know, with the next one, it is harder, and with the next one it is easier, and with the next one it is harder to take off the baby weight.

where I saw the pounds creep up significantly was starting college, mid terms and finals and hamburgers and pizza and anything that was quick and easy to fix was my choice just to get back to studying. not to mention being 10 minutes late in the morning and $1.00 in the vending machine for a bag of something and a coke was too often.

the first step was a program called LifeSteps, a 16 week program about nutritional choices, calorie counting, emotional eating, and exersize. in 6 months, I lost 20 lbs. I knew the nutrition, I knew the foundations. it didn't seem to help, choosing a happy meal instead of a value meal cut the calories in 1/2, but didn't make any changes.

the second step was Fat Busters, after all "fat makes you fat" so I did the lean and mean diet, moving to lose, and counting the fat grams. I lost 20 lbs in 6 months, but it didn't last.

then came Sugar Busters, reduce your sugars... blah blah blah

then came Atkins, lean meats and low carb... blah blah blah

then came vegetarian, blah blah blah

I tried the Y membership, the Gym Membership, aqua therapy, walking, biking, yada yada yada. all in all, I have probably lost and gained 1000 lbs total. the same 50 three times in the last 4 years. I live with the food nazi, so you can imagine just how strict he is with food in the house. no chips, no cookies, no cakes, no donuts, no ice cream, no soda, no fun. ;)

This spring, I started getting some serious heart rhythm issues. really gave me a start. I am active, pedal 5-10 miles every other day or so, walk a lot, can work a 10 hour wedding with a 5 lb camera and do pretty good, so I was very surprised when I hesitantly asked my doctor (whom I see every 90 days) if she thought that gastric bypass would be a good choice considering my family history of cancer and diabetes and my history of rheumatoid arthritis and was given a firm yes. her referral got the ball rolling and very quickly.

backtracking 4 years ago, I attended a funeral of a sweet college in my husbands office, he lived 2 weeks after his gastric bypass, developed staff infection and died. considering gastric bypass was to me tantamount to suicide. however. with all the history of what is going on, it became readily appearent that I was running out of time.

I ended up selecting the strickest most conservative doctor in the field, with the highest success rate, the lowest complication rate, and in general, considered a real difficult guy. rather than set out to convince him that I needed this, I let him tell me what he thought I needed. that might have messed with his head a bit. ;) I swear my husband I had him laughing in the office and I have heard many swear that he does not have a sense of humor. but ultimately, I never told anyone what I thought I needed, but I did present the weight history, which is objective, the doctor supervised diet, objective, and everything else for the past 20 years. The results were unanimous.

the papers were submitted to the insurance company, and were instantly approved, also unusual considering that as a rule, they are initially rejected as a default. It is considered last option. it is limited to morbidly obese. I was the lucky winner of an all expense paid trip to Cypress Fairbanks Hospital.

The doctor set me on a 'lifetime' diet that would make most Atkins fans faint, and 90% of the Gastric Bypass patients quiver. Lean Meats and Leafy green vegetables. PERIOD. forever. I have done my best for the last 90 days and adopted. I can see that it is beneficial long term and I have learned to live with it. I can not say that it is my ideal but it would appear that due to the short term change in my body, that I was completely carbohydrate intolerant. how freaky is that? I eat as much as I want, at each meal, not between, I am not hungry between, and I have lost on average 10 lbs a month. for some reason my body metabolism, even with 30 - 120 minutes a day of exersize, could not shake the carbs. eating homemade whole grain breads, no prepackaged preprocessed foods, and limited to 1200 cal a day with no trans fats and not commercial snacks, I was still gaining up to 10 lbs a month.

now all the drugs that I have been taking for Rheumatoid Arthritis have not helped, and being off of Celebrex and Prednisone has not been a picnic either. I swore that I could not move without them, but I am trusting that by losing 100 lbs that it will be easier to exersize.

I am not indecisive about the surgery, I am just scared. I kept thinking along the last 3 months, if I can loose 10 a month on my own, I could do it all on my own, but the longer I progressed, the less I could keep to the diet, and started to sneak and sabotage myself. so I am more convinced.

it was also very difficult to accept that we would take $2500 out of the family savings to pay for this. I am not the type to spend that kind of money on me. in my mind, it would be better spent on paying off the car, or a credit card, or something. always putting my health last is possibly a contributing factor to this ongoing issue. once my husband sat down Tuesday and wrote the check to the hospital. it was a 100 lb weight off my heart and mind.

I was back to riding my bike, but it has already gotten so hot here in houston, that sverre went to Play it again Sports and got me a stationary bike for the tv room and it works much better for me. I can easily get my 10+ miles a day in.

so now the final few days are here. today and Monday are my last day's of solids. Tuesday is clear liquids and Wednesday is the surgery. I have had some friends over last night for a prayer to give me strength and comfort. I am still worried that I am not getting everything done before the surgery. a current will, a last letter to my children explaining why. a copy of the digital photo album for each of my children, stuff like that. but instead, I have been doing things like playing chinese checkers with them, playing checkers with them, just taking a moment to snuggle with them. and maybe I will get all that other stuff done, and maybe I wont. I have spent time just talking to my husband and while we know that there is some serious consequences, so is driving in traffic and flying on an airplane and eating at mcdonalds. ;-) I have to have faith that no having any obstacles has been a "sign" that this is the path for me. Because I have seen my biological father effectively paralyzed by type ii diabetes and gout and he is just a humongous balloon now and I seriously doubt that he will survive considering his current health and it all came down to choices. He didn't make any changes, and I have explored them all in 20 years and this is the last one.

I do believe that a large part of my success will be a strong spirit to survive and psychological positive energy. you have to 'beleive' that you can beat it, any of it. cancer. arthritis. obesity. depression. you just have to. and you can not do it alone. you have to have friends and humor or what is the point?

Make a choice

I have been 'upset' and my house has been messy, today it is so clean, that even my pot holders, kitchen towels, and kitchen washcloths are folded neatly in their drawer.

I picked up the floor last night, the entire first story, sverre vacuumed every inch, I moved all the furniture, so that he got under EVERYTHING

then upstairs today, I finally got EVERYTHING picked up and ran the roomba for three battery cycles to get it all cleaned.

I feel much better. the boys are watching PBS and I am drinking my BUBBAJUG of water. (52 oz) second today.

oh check this out

http://nutrition.about.com/library/blwatercalculator.htm

A person who is 255 pounds
and is exercising for 0 minutes ,
is not pregnant,
is not breastfeeding,
does not live at a high altitude,
does not live in a dry climate,
drinks 3 caffeinated drinks ,
drinks 0 alcoholic drinks ,
when it is very hot or very cold,
and is sick with fever or diarrhea should have:

146.5 ounces of water today, or 4.4 liters.
If you eat a healthy diet, about 20 percent of your water need may come from the foods you eat. If you eat a healthy diet you can drink 117.2 ounces of water today, or 3.5 liters.

many have heard the story of someone who knew someone that died after surgery. I am right there with you. only I actually was at the funeral. my husband's coworker had the surgery in 2001 and died within two weeks. my husband is terrified to tell anyone at his work that I am having the surgery. he knows they would freak. I have asked him what he remembers about the man. what I remember is that he was beyond BMI 50+ and he could not ride a bike and he got 'stapled' and had great difficulty getting approved after repeatedly denied.

but what I can tell you is that that was 5 years ago. the doctors have perfected this and improved tremendously in 5 years. that he already had let himself go past a 'safe' point for him, he had issues that were unique to him. not me.

so I have had to calm myself, I have had to disassociate what happened to him with a different doctor, in a different hospital, in a different part of the learning curve and a totally different metabolism. my doctor has prepared my body differently than other doctors. my doctor has prepared me for three months on the lifestyle diet, not two weeks. totally different circumstances with each individual.

surround yourself with supportive people. be selective of whom you tell and whom you do not. 'fear factor' will not help you heal your self. one of the things that has helped me was getting past pre-registration. I was so bad emotionally that I wrecked my car into a parked truck on my way to the doctor for my final weigh in.

my husband did not freak. he said it was just a stupid car. no big deal. and we continued on the plan. he went with me to the hospital to register and kept me company. even told the nurse he was supportive.

at that point, once the expenses were taken care of, I calmed down. I would never spend that much money on me. and the surgery was a luxury IMO. but he considered it a necessity. so here we are. 5 days away and I am profoundly calm. everything is scheduled, everything is arranged. all the parts are in place.

one of my biggest issues was that if I could lose the preop weight on my own, 23# then why couldnt I do the other 103 on my own, after all I have will power. but eventually I figured it out, what I said was true that first day. I can do anything for 90 days. but on the 91 day I usually bail. I just can not do it. I have to have a kolache, I have to have just one flour tortilla, just a tiny bit of apple pie, and then I am SUNK.

today I tried and failed to take my child into a no-no-zone, and I couldnt stop. the lady offered a kolache and I cracked. I felt neasiated the rest of the day, sick that I couldnt cope, sick that I could gain so close to surgery and sick that when it comes right down to it. I just can not do it on my own.

each day I worry that I will not survive the next week, the next month, but all I can do is play with my son, take my daughter to the movies, ride bikes with my other son and live today. it is all psychological. the will power to get better the will power to get worse. that type of will power I have. I can choose to live.

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a lovely and well-preserved body, but rather a skid to broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "WOW! What a ride!"

live like you were dying

Unleashing The Masses

I have just started to tell people, just incase anything happens, it will not be a shock. so far most people are very supportive. almost everyone has a friend that did it or something and all are doing well.

I did get an email today from someone that thinks that a drink mix (reliv) is the solution, totally ignoring that this is totally and 300% under medical evaluations, I literally have three different doctors in three different practices in three different zip codes that have done the exams and blood work and agree that 'for me' this is the best solution.

how else can we explain that in 79 days I have lost 23 lbs without limiting calories, just carbohydrates? obviously I am one of 'those' so by permanently removin the absorbtion part of the intestinal tract, I can spend less time obsessing on weight and more time obsession on aperature and shutter speed.

and I was SOOOO Outgoing 100 lbs ago, I was the one to talk to at a party, I was the welcoming committee, now I NEVER leave the house, I hate to go to parties. and when I go, I have a snack and wait for someone to include me and 'wow, surprize of surprizes' no one talks to me. that will change when my body catches up to my personality again.

thinking about my mortality:

In 1968, for a few minutes I drown in a swimming pool, but the motel manager found me.

was rushed to the hospital in 1974 when I went blasting through the house, flew down the stairs and nailed my head on a low hanging beam, split my head open and had to have 5 stitches

I died again in 1975, I drown in a swimming pool (AGAIN) and some kids found me, I was so far gone, my lungs were 100% full of chlorine water, and my body has -0- color, I didn't know that you turn black under water, all the movies are fake.

nearly passed away in 1990 during the delivery of my third child, the nurse didn't check during the pushing part, left me with my husband and mother, and I was covered with a sheet so they didn't know that I was hemorrhaging.

I was in a pretty serious car-wreck and hit a granite mountain in 1992, and my head literally went through the rear view mirror, and through the windshield, I should have died but had just one scratch.

in 1996 I was driving down a little two lane side road, when a dodge truck came flying out of a gas station and plowed right into the driver side of the car, peeling the driver door back from the hinge like a can of sardines

I was so very in danger of dying in 2003, my husband fell asleep at the wheel and we went over a ravine, through a fence, snapped off several wooden fence posts, past a power-line guide wire and came to rest near an extremely busy freight train track (two trains blasted past before the wreckers (took two to get the car of the pit). I knew I was not going to survive, reached around to say good bye to my older son, strapped into his car-seat, I was not wearing a seatbelt and knew there was no time, and no point, however, we had 5 miracles in 5 seconds that morning. the fence post busted and part of it punched into the side window, narrowly missing Erik's head, but sprinkling shattered glass all around him in his car-seat, and punched right back out again, leaving a hole smaller than a saucer. missing that guide wire by about 10 feet was something, I do not know if the posts, the guide wire or what busted the front bumper and the rear bumpers in half, but the passenger side 1/2's just blew off like Frisbees. I do know that the fence post's sheared off everything on the passenger side of the car, no side mirrors, no door handles, nothing was left. but I will tell you that the ravine was the freakiest part. I saw it coming up, 25ft across, 10ft deep and a car that is only 15ft long, there was absolutely no explanation for what happened, it was as if the hand of god slide under the chassis because the drivers side was never airborne, just the passenger side.

the miracles that I have survived are even more than I can detail but have occurred none the less. I do not know what my purpose is here, why I am 'still here' when all is said and done, I have completed the tasks that I am supposed to in the opportunities that I have been granted. was it to inspire my own children? to inspire my colleagues? to inspire someone? anyone? not that I have not continuously thought about my choices making a difference to someone in the short time I have here period. I have never taken for granted that I would be here, I am really surprised that I have lasted this long. ;)

my husband has asked me to take a few moments and make some notes of my last wishes in case, I swear, does he have any idea how long that would take. all the mass emails, all the mass online posts. ;) I have spent more time getting to know my online friends than I have my IRL friends. course he was probably talking about inconsequential crap like casket or urn, paper or plastic, where to be buried, like that means anything. ;)

but since it is not an issue, I am going to get through this as well, there is no need to fuss about stuff like that. ;)

PreRegistration Blues

I scheduled my registration about 10 days ago, and immediately the financial department called up wanting 15% of the anticipated cost as a deposit. freaking blood sucking commies. I chose to ignore cash, check, or charge IN FULL before REGISTRATION. what a crabby little vixen she is. Went in to the appointment, very innocent like, and make arrangements for 1/2 now and 1/4 in a month and 1/4 in a month after that. *sigh* I figured someone would be reasonable in the end.

did all the forms, all the information, got all the diet and procedural plans (nice well laid out packet, mental note for my own business). Completed one more blood draw. on my way. send out some announcements yesterday to my friends, got a TON of support, wow.

I have been working towards wls for 77 days, I have 9 days to go and I have changed my mind more times in the last 77 days than I have about anything else in my life. I do not like to yoyo back and forth like this, to constantly second guess myself.

taking ownership of my lifestyle and food intake choices has been difficult for me. I know that I have issues just like 'everyone else' but, it still amazes me that they have consequences on my exterior body. Most friends and intimate family (husband and children) do not see that there is a need for weight loss and obviously see 'me' rather than my body. this is a good thing.

my extended family (parents and grandparents) are just the opposite, they almost obsess over my weight, every single conversation involves asking if there has been a weight loss since I was 20 years old. while I am partially doing it to get them off my back, the ultimate reason for wls is the physical health issues I have been experiencing in the last 4 months. my heart feels like it is getting irregular and could be showing signs of giving out. fine. time to change something.

the support of Krystal has been very sweet, she thinks that it will be a kick to my previous 'relationships' with a return to my 20 year old's body and a 'kick in the ass to them that blew me off'. I can see that as a bonus, but definitely not the objective. surviving is the objective. surviving this week, this month, and this year.

after all, my children need someone to boss them around, I flatter myself as the matriarch of the family. So here I am, 9 days away and terrified that something could go wrong. I have a very close friend that loves her new body 3 years out and another friend that was my husbands colleague that died within two weeks as a result. I have another close friend that is a widow because her husband did not have the surgery. So I am still torn, and I really think that it is a crap-shoot.

Either way, I and I alone have to make the choice, follow the guidelines and keep my spirits up. It is my choice. Of all the things that I think that it is, the easy way out it is not. *sigh*

I think that I am my own worse enemy, the things that go through my head are 10x worse than what anyone says to me.

today was a good day. Erik wore the wrong kind of shoes (flipflops) so I had to zip over in the morning and drop of nazi approved sneakers. he graduates from Kindergarten in 2 days. Magnus will start Kindergarten in 3 months. it is all going by so fast.

Mmhhhwwwwaaaahhhh (*kiss*)

KAtkins Menu:
breakfast: boiled eggs, coffee
lunch: straweberry protein shake
dinner:

Exersize: 2.5 miles on the bicycle

weight yoyo

As the day for the procedure draws closer, my panic level raises and my tolerance level drops. I find myself worrying about getting everything done in time to prepare for the worst. what if's keep popping up in my mind. Things that I need to say and do before I do the deed.

I have been working towards wls for 76 days, I have 10 days to go and I have changed my mind more times in the last 76 days than I have about anything else in my life. I do not like to yoyo back and forth like this, to constantly second guess myself.

Taking ownership of my lifestyle and food intake choices has been difficult for me. I know that I have issues just like 'everyone else' but, it still amazes me that they have consequences on my exterior body. Most friends and intimate family (husband and children) do not see that there is a need for weight loss and obviously see 'me' rather than my body. this is a good thing.

My extended family (parents and grandparents) are just the opposite, they almost obsess over my weight, every single conversation involves asking if there has been a weight loss, since I was 20 years old. while I am partially doing it to get them off my back, the ultimate reason for wls is the physical health issues I have been experiencing in the last 4 months. my heart feels like it is getting irregular and could be showing signs of giving out. fine. time to change something.

the support of my darling daughter #2 has been very sweet, she thinks that it will be a kick to my previous 'relationships' with a return to my 20 year old's body and a 'kick in the ass to them that blew me off'. I can see that as a bonus, but definitely not the objective. surviving is the objective. surviving this week, this month, and this year.

after all, my children need someone to boss them around, I flatter myself as the matriarch of the family.

So here I am, 10 days away and terrified that something could go wrong. I have a very close friend that loves her new body 3 years out and another friend that was my husbands colleague that died within two weeks as a result. I have another close friend that is a widow because her husband did not have the surgery. So I am still torn, and I really think that it is a crap-shoot.

Either way, I and I alone have to make the choice, follow the guidelines and keep my spirits up. It is my choice. Of all the things that I think that it is, the easy way out it is not. *sigh*

I am finding that lately, my mind and body are balking at the restrictions in my diet. I am re'reviewing all the limitations and knowing that this has been a real PITA for the last 76 days. I have not had a weight change/loss in 10 days. that concerns me.

While I do have a cautious support sytem of friends, they have a trepidatious heart that this will work out well. I know that there are risks. I do know that I am making progress over the last 76 days, but as I explained to the doctor, I can do anything for 90 days and then I just do not have the 'staying power' to continue. I feel heavy hearted, and nervous. what if's are pretty traumatic thoughts. there are some that are much better off, some that are better, some that are worse off and some that are just flat dead from this. course there are some that are all that without any surgery. it is a real crap shoot.

I have no answers to life's questions, I am making this up as I go along, like everything else I have ever done. I just hope that my being here has improved the lives of those who have known me.

KAtkins Menu:
breakfast: grilled salmon, scrambled eggs, smoked salmon, coffee
lunch: teaspoon peanut butter
dinner:

exersize: nada

Slinkies & Coffee

[[ Some people are like slinkies, they don't really have a purpose, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.]]

that just made my day! Mother's day is over, for yet another year. Bar-b-Que ribs, green beans and good company. Tissue Paper flowers, pipe cleaner stems in a painted wylers cardboard can, a couple of cards and a single red rose. a bitchin' computer that S*C*R*E*A*M*S, life is pretty darn good.

am I in a good mood? not today. neck ache, back ache, probably dehydrated. I think I need nap already. I know I want some carbs!
talked to financial at th hospital, $1500 cash up front, POLEEZE! do I look like I got money growing out of my exceptionally large derrier? I so don't think so. talked to my insurance, they said that prepaying was not acceptable, and for me to tell the hospital to take a flying leap.

KAtkins Menu:
breakfast: Eggs, cheese, coffee
lunch: turkey slices, cheese, romaine lettuce "wraps", sugar free tang
dinner: zucchini, chicken, cheese, sugar free tang
snack: low carb yogurt, protein bar

Exersize. blah blah blah

Rise and Shine

up and at 'em. first thing out of bed, make the bed, pick up the room, move from one room to the next, got the entire house clean, including sorting all the clean laundry and hauling it to the individual rooms, trash hauled to the curb, and company ready (other than vaccuming in 30 minutes).

Got Erik off to school, Sverre off to work. Magnus and I peddled around the neighborhood, I took a protein shake, he a water bottle. 2 miles all before 830 am, came back home, made breakfast of eggs with cheese and coffee. Magnus is putting together puzzles, my laptop computer is recharging and I am going to get the last daycare pictures proofed today. it is a beautiful day outside and I am feeling pretty good. still cant believe that I knocked off 2 miles before 8:30 am. that is just nuts.

I really need to get my hard drive sorted out today.aw, and there is the phone. my WLS buddy in Wisconsin. ;) she is talking about her sports bra fitting. she is just too funny.

KAtkins Menu:
Breakfast: protein shake, eggs w/ cheese, coffee
Lunch: broccoli, cheese, chicken breast, sugar free tang
snack: protein bar
Dinner: bar-b-que ribs, green beans, water

Exersize: bicycle for 2 miles

Just 24 Hours

why can I not go 24 hours and believe that WLS is the right choice? I have a chart on the wall, plotting my progress, I started at 275, and my first goal is 225, the weight that I was at 10 years ago when I moved to Houston. It seemed a reasonable goal. not the full 135 lbs but 50.. and really it is just 40 lbs from Post Erik Pre Magnus weight. and why do women mark before pg and after pg weights as magic markers? must be some kind of wierd.

anyways. I soo the scales slowly going down, at a pretty good rate. 25 lbs in 60 days. completely reasonable. so another 60 and I will be at the first goal. so what is the point of the risk? .02% die. those are not good odds. the doctor's office said 1 in 300, those are REALLY not good odds. why? my buddy in Wisconsin keeps encouraging (she never had a single problem, but then again, she had to gain weight to get qualified.) I just wish there was a majic wand that would tell me, you will not have complications. you will not dump. you will not die. that would be a good thing. NOT DIE.

I konw that most of success / failure is mind over matter. I know this. but even today, had the worst feeling when I smelled sverre baking cinnamon rolls. it is so not fair. after 2 months, I can not have them. and I want them. and I hate smelling them. after 60 days of him baking them every single sunday, I gave up and ate one, and he had the audacity to be SUPRIZED! HELLO! do I leave bags of M & M's around the house? no. sabotage.

KAtkins Menu:
breakfast: scrambled eggs, cheese, smoked salmon, coffee
lunch: pork loin, artichoke, water
dinner: protien bar

exersize: cleaned the toy room, worked on the computer, surfed the web, that has to burn some calories!

happier, more rested

my back has been hurting, not sleeping well, probably not drinking enough fluids. they say that can cause a backache. backache and poor sleep causing the irritability.

I didnt any work done on friday, just spent the day decompressing and relaxing. puttered around the house and out on a couple of non essential errands. saturday was more of the same. nothing major, nothing critical. nothing earth shattering.

learned how to work the Sonic VCD program and the Lightscribe, very kewl stuff.

KAtins Menu:
breakfast: eggs, salsa, cheese, coffee
lunch: broccoli, cheese, chicken, crystal light
dinner: broccoli, cheese, chicken, crystal light
snack: strawberry protien shake.

Could I BE anymore moody?

let's recap:

work like a dawg. that is a good thing.

weight loss progress. that is a good thing.

what happened?

I spent 14 hours working in Huntsville (75 mile drive one way) on Tuesday for a toddler classroom shoot and delivery and orders for a prek (26 students)

Wednesday, woke up in a mood, not sleeping well, figure it is allergies, strip down all the beds in the house, down to bare mattresses, and wash every blanket, every sheet, every comforter in the house in hot water. I had to get to two doctors appointments, wait until 1245 for UPS and FedEx to show up with my deliveries, get the 2 HUGE computer box up to the office to start acclimating as well as crack open the ACI boxes full of pictures and redistribute to boxes
I try to make Mac n Cheez for the 4 year old and we did good up to a point. he filled the sauce pan with water, he got out the box of mac n chez, I got the stove on, I got the water boiling, I pour in the noodles, I stir, I set the timer for 7 minutes, the phone rings and we are screwed. it burnt like a 4 alarm fire, the boy got cantaloupe, yogurt and string cheese
I have to get to the school by 1 pm to volunteer for two hours, forgot to empty out all the stuff from the shoot Tuesday (4 foot wooden bridge with double railings, 8'x9' roll of Astroturf, two magnolia bushes, two sets of ferns and greenery, 10 lbs of polished river rock, background supports, 10'x20' muslin, two alien bees, and umbrellas, and camera bag, file box with order forms, picture envelopes, and samples.
load in car seats and 4 year old. by 3 pm after the school, I had to pick up the 6 year old, run home and box up 4 orders to ship out in time for mothers day, before FedEx closed at 4, couldn't get FedEx website to work, still stressing over the doctors appointments, tried to go to USPS and click and ship, but they quote first class, but refuse to print a first class label, insist on priority only, so made OLD FASHION label, slap it on, and tape it down

specifically told 6 year old not to leave the house so that he would be there to leave for shipping. he is gone. LUCKILY daughter showed up, whining that she wants me to call the doctor to get new prescription for inhaler for her asthma. I meanwhile can not find my car keys. I am so frustrated I can not see straight. she is 20, surely she can figure out to call the pharmacy and have them call the doctor, but NOOooo she is too clueless for that. I am jumping in the car, hoping I can get to the post office, which is 10 minutes away, doctor #1 which is 30 minutes away and doctor #2 which is 30 minutes from there, all by 5:15 pm. I am backing out of the garage and even before I get in the car I notice the BIG FAT BLACK FORD FULL SIZE F150 on her side of the driveway. I back out (no gas, just took my foot off the brake and drift out) and CRUNCH! strange grinding sound, like stepping on a pop can. I am mystified for 8 seconds and then I occurs to me, FLIPPING FAT FORD. I sigh, I put it in drive and pull forward.

I get out with a sinking feeling. yep, I have toasted the driver rear quarter panel. the paint is gone, the side is crushed, the only good thing is that the door is fine and the gas tank door is fine. the car still has 13,000 miles of warranty, but this is not COVERED. I get to the post office, I get to the kiosk, and get all the labels on my boxes, put the first one in an can not the door to the bin to open again for the other three boxes, people think that I am nuts, finally someone (actually a good friend) suggests that I just drop the box off at the window before I loose it. ;) and then she had the nerve to dash out of the building before I snapped at her.

I call doctor #1, she has already sent my files to doctor #2 so I do not have to go there, I go straight to doctor #2 and that is the one that I am dreading. I get on the scales and unfortunately, I have lost 19 lbs) the goal was 6. so I am officially cleared for surgery. I am wigging inside about this. I change my mind 100 times a day. I should be able to do it on my own. I should not do this. I can not do it on my own, I should do this before I am another 100 lbs further down the hole. I am so sick of everything every day being about what I can and can not eat. Getting furious over every little thing and so stressed that I get neasiated before I cook every meal and avoid cooking like the plague. that is a really bad thing.

I really just can not take the stress anymore. I do not want to make one more food choice, ever.

KAtkins menu:
breakfast: protein shake, coffee
lunch: grilled chicken salad, tea
dinner: I give up
late night snack: bowl of broccoli, shredded cheese, chicken, sweet and sour sauce.

exersize: rode my bike 1/2 a mile, cleaned out the garage, pitched a hissy fit

Pouty Face *Idontwanna*

today I am in a mood. Yesterday I was stressed but today it is a MOOD. I have been stressing about work and the endorphins have been running mad. today is a little less stressful today. I have still plenty of work to do, but the 'crisis' is less. I spent HOURS working on my 'daycare preschool' workflow yesterday and that was exhausting as well as processing a session from Saturday. I still have 4 sessions from Sunday and 2 from Tuesday to process and upload to an online gallery.

got on the scales today and that was an improvement. down another 3 pounds from the lowest I have been in the last 2 weeks. so overall that should make me happy. on some levels it does, but for the most part, I just want to say 'whatever' it will go back up by the end of the day, it is a never ending battle. my back hurts from the stress. my body has not 'felt right' for a couple of days. I just have too much anxiety lately. need a few more deep cleansing breaths.

today is supposed to be the day I get medical clearance from my medical doctor, weigh in with the gastric doctor. volunteer for two hours at the elementary school, accept delivery of my new work computer so that I can process a batch of raw files without it crashing every 50th image. I am so getting sick of that. this will be my first very new, never used before computer since 1992. all the other ones since have been free hand-me-downs from someone that has upgraded to something new, in other words 3-5 year old technology. I would be nearly giddy if I were not in a MOOD.

KAtkins Menu:

breakfast: scrambled eggs, mozzarella cheese, coffee with shot of vanilla

lunch: grilled chicken salad, ice tea, shot of vanilla

dinner: romaine lettuce, smoked turkey, mozzarella cheese, all rolled up into lettuce wraps, 1/2 cup sugar free white chocolate pudding, 1/2 can of chocolate carbwise shake and 1/2 can of shaved ice, puréed

exercise: packed up full Limited Edition photography set with a bridge, packed in car, unpacked, set up, shoot for 1 hour, broke down, packed back in car, back breaking work. don't even talk to me.

404

Error returned when a server cannot find the requested page.

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I websurfed, weak and weary,

Over many a strange and spurious website of 'hot chicks galore',

While I clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning,

And my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour.

"'Tis not possible," I muttered, "give me back my cheap hardcore!"

Quoth the server, "404".

Yo Yo, UP down UP down

what was quick and dirty in the beginning is dwindling and slow now. granted, the first few pounds are always lots of water, now is the HARD part. there is still a 5 lb fluxuation throughout the day that can just KILL the motivation, even though I KNOW that it is normal. I KNOW I should only weight once a week, instead of 3 - 4 times a day but I keep hoping that a drop in the scale will give me a lift in the motivation. so far it is not.

what I want is to just stop. I want food that is yummy. food that I like. I hate walking through the store and seeing food that I like and would like to eat. I want a sandwhich, I want a taco, I want an apple or banana. this is so frustrating. the first 5 lbs were a cakewalk, the next 10 lbs were harder but still fairly doable. now it is minicule ounce by ounce progress.

work keeps me distracted, but then again, I am also spending more and more time in front of the computer instead of exersizing or cooking proper food. I just do not want to think about it right now.

I have completed the blood work, the EKG, the Gall Bladder UltraSound, the Upper GI, the physical exam. all that is left is Medical Clearance and weigh in on May 10th. Have personally slotted May 31th for surgery that would allow 3 weeks medical supervision for recovery, and then an additional 6 weeks for low stress resting. Back to work August 15th. Part of me is so 'logical' about it and part of me is just screaming inside. But this last stall in progress on my own and my daily bouts of resistance are probably pushing my 'will power' to it's limit. I can do anything for 90 days and then I just can't do it anymore.

KAtins Menu:

breakfast: scrambled eggs, mozzarella cheese, smoked salmon, bacon, french vanilla chocolate velvet coffee
lunch: baby asparagus, mozzarella cheese, chicken breast
snack: Pria (2 g carb) bar
dinner: two rainbow trout, zuchini & yellow squash

Exersize: trip to the store, heehee