Would I do it again?

second verse, same as the first.

my name is Katherine and I have had every ache and pain that you have.

I have not been able to get comfortable on the bed and I couldnt sleep, I blamed the bed instead of my nearly 300 lb body.

I couldnt get comfortable driving the car, sitting on the couch, or in my office chair. I blamed my shoes, I blamed my jeans, and my genes.

there are two things that I can tell you with certainty. if you have decided for yourself that ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, you will succeed. no one can convince you, no one can make a believer out of you, no one can enable you, validate you, or hold your hand. seriously, this is the greatest adventure of my life and I am for all intents and purposes doing it alone.

do I have support? oh gracious yes, do I have cheerleaders? tons, but ultimately, it is me and me alone that makes each food choice each meal each day. Ultimately it is me that makes the choice to move to loose or to lay down and watch more tv, type more on the computer, or take a nap.

WLS is a tool, not a majic wand. it will help or hurt you depending on your attitude.

today I am 3 months out. I do not have a friend in the refridgerator that i can go visit on an hourly basis, not even to wave hello. I gave up the 'inventory' weeks ago. it is a waste of time, like weighing on the scale 4 or 5 times a day, waste of time. like eating the wrong items and dumping, it is a waste of time.

I was on predisone, celebrex, vioxx, and enbrel for all the pain 5 months ago. I was crawling down the stairs each morning, limping through my day, so exhausted after hauling one basket of laundry upstairs that I enlisted my husband to do it for me. I was helpless and hopeless before the surgery.

I was never worthless, but I was helpless and hopeless.

I changed my mind 1 time per hour ever hour from March 5th until May 21st, that is 2136 times to reroute my plumbing or leave nature alone.

I thought about my family and what that money could do for them. (I have been sacrificing my health for 21 years, it is a difficult habit to put one's health and wellbeing first (I continue to struggle with it) but ultimately I made a choice.

I thought about loosing my crutch. today I was relating to my customer and my husband that I MISS fixing myself a plate for a meal. it just is such a bother to only make a 1 oz meal. it is gone before you taste it, it is over before it begins, and it was an irregular love affair, but there were times that I LOVEd the taste of food. the feeling of polishing off a really good tasting plate. now I am stuffed on 1/8th of a saucer. it is annoying.

going out to dinner is a joke, it is a waste of gas, and money. I only eat enough to keep a small colony of ants alive. I am done in a matter of minutes and bore the rest of the time. blech.

the upside, I am a cheap date: we walk though costco tasting tables and after 4 tables I am STUFFED, I have had a four course buffet.
I cook up a prime rib steak and I can eat off of it for 3 days. ;) my food allowance per day runs about $1.43 per day. not per course, not per meal, per day.

but I am not taking those medications anymore, I am not in as much pain anymore, there is still some residual because of dehydration. it is my own fault, I just do not concentrate enough on drinking my fluids and with dehydration, there is pain. that is a fact of life. even before surgery, if I was not hydrated, I was in pain. it is the number one reason people are in pain, dehydration.

do I feel noramal. oh gracious, better than normal. *SIGH* so much better than normal, and I am still heavy, but I am feeling better than normal, my lungs are not sore, my joints are not sore, I am not leaning on a grocery cart so hard that my shoulders hurt, just to get the cart to support my weight. I am able to bypass the carts and just carry a basket.

but ultimately, you will work through your 'food' attatchment, first you will defy anyone to take it from you, then you will begrudgingly give it up, go back, make a bad choice, reap a consequence, get reverant, and so on until you get past the defiance and just accept that this is the way it is, and find something else to do to occupy your time.

I started a photography business, I am too busy to learning about marketing, accounting, and aperatures to worry about missing Cre'me Bru'le'e and Cheesecake. you just let it go and get on with your life.

energy: I walked 8 miles with my parents, up and down hills, in 100' degree heat, had a blast. three weeks before I couldnt to 3 miles without thinking that my heart was going to explode in my chest. each day you get better, each week you get stronger, each month you get healthier. it is not over night, it is not without sacrifice, it is not without lifelong rewards. the benefits will go beyond your wildest dreams.

next summer, I am going rock climbing in the Selway-Bitteroot Wilderness in Montana. the last time I did that was 1986! not 1996, not 2006, but 1986. I am not going to let food take my life away.

there are so many supportive people here to cheer for you, but you take the steps yourself and you will feel the power of success when you achieve the goals. You have to do it yourself FOR yourself.

HELL YES!

bigger and better problems

I am dealing with a lot of stress.

I look down at my hands and I see the blood vessels and the ligaments and tendons and think, WTH? heehee I use to have such pudgy hands that my knuckles were just little divets. I am still not getting the fluids down, I do not know what the issue is, but I know that it is a problem.

I am worried, tomorrow is my appt with my Dr and I am not at his target, he said I should be at 193 tomorrow not 199. he told me that if I deviated from his plan (125 - 225 calories a day) he would KNOW it, I do not know how crabby he will get with me. I have been moody (PMS'ing) all day which does not help, but he does intimidate the dickens out of me.

we have so many 'issues' going on here at home. my husband wants to sell the house and move to Missoula Montana. taking a $20-40K cut in pay, and wants me to make up the difference with my career. and live in a house that is 1/2 the size we have now with twice the payment. that means that I have a few months and even few dollars to get it 'repaired' as in: replace the bathtub, bathroom floors in two bathrooms, scrap the popcorn off the ceiling downstairs, retexture it, paint it, rip up all the carpet on the second floor, put down new carpet, and a list that is about 4 typed pages. and he wants me to sell off anything that is duplicated like one of the two tv's and the extra couch, and blah blah blah, oh I could use a chocolate ecclair or two.

our house insurance company was declared bankrupt yesterday, so we were to get insurance with a different carrier, I didnt get it done in time, I called, but it was late afternoon (thought I had until tomorrow) and well long story short, it doesnt look like it was taken care of, so instead of $1500 a year, the bank is forcing us into $2500 a year. my husband said live and learn but I am kicking myself for not taking care of this (I have known since August 11th and it is August 23...

I would normally solve my anxiety with a double slice of cheese cake but that doesnt even sound good to me. gracious, what do you do when you do not want to eat? all I can think of the kill the time is surf the net and have sex. my husband votes for the second but not the first. but he is busy on his own computer so here I am.

asking for prayers and hugs. I am so emotional these days, you would THINK I was pg instead of my daughter being pg and planning a wedding in 5 months. now was a hellofa time to give up eating.

update after 3 month check up:
wow...

my three month appointment was a week early, but I did it. now I have three more months to loose 47 lbs and I will be sitting pretty.

PROTIEN
after a big huge discussion, he swears up and down from my blood work I am getting too much protien. so obviously for my body, 2-3 oz of pure meat a day is plenty. who would have thunk?

VEGETABLES
not enough, or I would not have toilet issues. increase those bad boys.

WATER
I have been ordered to DOUBLE my intake. yeah, I am looking forward to doing THAT. rather clean the toddler boys toilets.

EXERSIZE
I explained that I am only getting 125 calories a day I do not have enough energy to exersize like before. he said hogwash and poppycock. I have 45 lbs of extra fat, that is 20,000 calories of extra fuel, so I could run on 2000 calories a day for the next 90 days and burn it off without eating another bite. the protein that I am eating is just replenishing my muscle structure.

WARM FUZZIES
he has none, I knew this going in, he is not an enabler, he is not there to validate my needs, he is just a tool. fine. back in 3 months and tthhhbbbb~~~~ I will be skinny, so THERE! heehee. what a twirp!

issues.. it is always issues.

if you can't tell your best girlfriends, who can you tell?

my husband is a blessing. I do not really want to 'vent' he is fantastic.

he is supportive, emotionally, business, and financially as well as everything else a spouse wouldashouldacoulda do. (he does laundry/dishes/cooking/baking/trash) bed time with boys. all of it. he makes a great wife. and he brings in a grrrrreat paycheck.

so you asking why am I whining?

he is bored. he is unhappy at work. he is miserable. fine. change jobs, I am supportive.

the last time he wanted to relocate, it was to Portland. OUCH. would would make 1/2 as much and the cost of living would be twice as much.

then it was Spokane, OUCH. would would make 1/2 as much and the cost of living would be twice as much.

then it was Boise, OUCH. would would make 1/2 as much and the cost of living would be twice as much.

then two weeks ago it was Bergen Norway, OUCH. would would make 1/2 as much and the cost of living would be four times as much.

this week it is Missoula, Montana. OUCH. would would make 1/2 as much and the cost of living would be twice as much. BUT

you heard the BUTT

my heart is dying. it is my home town. and they have done some really really great things for the town, the parks and recs have just going ballistic on making it kid friendly. some of my favorite haunts are getting a major face lift. even downtown is really going to town on community involvement.

I told him, that we can not keep jerking my chain about moving, and then not move. I go through all the hassle of finding a realtor, look at properties, investigate the chamber of commerce, and then I get dissappointed.

I told him that he was going to have do the details, I can't do it anymore. but now this, I can't help but get excited. what am I going to do for a business. I know all the 'big wheels' with cameras in town. intimidation to say the least, this is not a town of 4.1 million with plenty of customers to go around, this is 65K that is it. once you mess up, your busted. WOM can kill in a week.

but of course what do we argue about? that I am not going to live in an aparment in a college town. and he is not going to buy a house with a lawn to mow. I know that I am already an emotional basket case with everything else going on. but he has found a really nice business there that he would like to work with. and I think that they would be a good fit as well.

I told him that I can not handle more emotional roller coasters and he RROMISES that he wants to move there as well. June 2007.

:-) Montana is beautiful, (I went to gradeschool, middle school, high school and college in the same town. missoula.) I just do not like that he keeps changing his mind after I do all the research. I feel like I have incomplete projects that are never finished. just scrapped.

I swear, I had to go to walmart and buy more purses.

what I was REAALLY worried about.

when my husband and I first got together, we took a trip to my home in alabama at the time and he was pretty negative as we drove across mississippi and alabama. he has been beyond negative about texas and idaho. and I really do not mind too much, but I would be crushed and devastated if he were to get to montana and degrade it the way he has everything else in the last 10 years.

it is just too close to my heart. it is my 'HOME' and it is sacred to me.

last night we were 'talking' and I explained to him all the possible things about it that were bad. bad water quality. bad air quality. bad housing quality. finally he was like, if you do not want to move there, we can go to bergen. and I finally said it. voiced my real fears. that I just couldnt handle if he spoke with such hatred of my home town the way he has spoke of every other place we have been to in the US.

we talked some more and I do not have the same sense of dread and doom that I did. what really 'feels' like whining is just working through fears and issues. thanks for listening.

I had my LAP RNY on May 31st, since surgery, I have lost 48 lbs, for a total of 75.5 lbs since my first doctor visit in March.

I am not struggling with hunger yet, as a matter of fact, right now, the idea of food just makes gag. I forced down breakfast and lunch (all protien) and I am dreading dinner. very effective tool. food is not a torture device instead of an emotional consolation.

rotten sob doctor anyhow. breaks my crutch so now I have to DEAL with my feelings. blech. I want a refund. ;) LOL

You Are 64% Evil

You are very evil. And you're too evil to care. Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.

How Evil Are You?

Mistaking Head Hunger for Tummy Hunger

today is the day! I broke 200 lbs. am I excited, I was more excited yesterday than today, but today is a good day as well.

I move daily, but not all of it is 'excersize' sometimes it is just running errands for the household. I have a pedometer that I strap to my ankle and I move 1.5 miles a day minimum.

yesterday I rode my bike 1.8 miles to HEB, walked around the store and got $25 worth of groceries, and then pedaled 1.8 miles home.

the day before I didnt do anything deliberate, but saturday, I pedaled 4 miles on my stationary bike in the TV room. so it varies from day to day, but yes, every day I move to lose.

as for my changes. when I started this process in March I was 275. when I had surgery, I had lost 10% or 27 lbs and was 247.5. that was May 31. since then I have maintained 1.0 oz of food per meal, three meals a day. when I get head hungry, I drink a 16 oz propel. If I am still hungry 30 minutes later, I eat, otherwise, I go on with my day. rarely do I wait until
I am hungry to eat, I generally go by the clock, and it if has been greater than 6 hours since my last meal, I eat regardless. I eat until I am full and then even if the plate is not empty, I rinse my plate in the sink and walk away.

I think that if you kick start and rededicate your goals, you can make November. I have 49.5 lbs to go and my goal is November 23rd. just 4 lbs a week. if
I can do it (carbaholic) you can do it.

you know. 'hungry' is just that 'hungry' it is okay to be 'hungry' and not eat. the trouble is sitting at a job that is so mind numbing that you are BORED and
then you are BORED hungry. and that could be what is killing you. your are not 'hungry' your BORED. and BORED sucks. ;)

breakfast: 1 oz organic sirloin steak
lunch:
dinner:

GET THE FLUIDS IN!~

I love the body I am in

I had a moment this week that may be relevant.

I was talking to my grandmother. announceing my daughters engagement.

my grandmother asked how my 'doctor supervised' diet was coming along. I said fine, I have lost 72 lbs.

she says: oh you must be so beautiful now.

I said, grandma, I was beautiful before. I was a christian. I did community service. I raised 5 children and taught them right from wrong. I pay my taxes. none of that has changed.

what I didnt say is that people that percieve beauty and value in the outside packaging totally miss the point of people that are beautiful on the inside.

she has never watched what she ate and is 97 lbs sopping wet, she is very lucky, and she thinks that it is all about will power and it really isnt. I am eating 225 calories a day for the last 14 days and the scale has not moved. that is just the way it is. it is not about will power. but I know WHO I am and I know WHAT I am. those core fundamental things will never change. I may have to have a radical surgery to change my body into a healthier size and shape, a more eye pleasing size and shape, but ultimately, we take with us whom ever we are no matter where we go, so all the baggage is always going to be there through THICK or THIN. and that could be why some revert back to over eating after surgery and gain back, is that they keep that baggage with them like an inheritance, holding on to it for a rainy day.

a day when they hear the words that hurt their feelings and then say, hey, poor me, I think I will get some comfort food after all, I am worthless anyways, everyone has always said so all my life.

YOU have to believe in YOU or YOU will never change.

BE AWARE!!!!

I don't how many of you shop at Sam's Club or Costco, but this may be useful to know. I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

This happened to me and it could happen to you!! Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 23-year-old well-built guys come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both are shirtless and start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex. With their highly-defined chest muscles and rock-hard abs exposed, it's impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Sam's Club or Costco.

You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start talking dirty about what they want to do to you.
Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and begins kissing your neck and begs you to pull over so he can make love to you!! While this is going on the other guy steals your purse!! I had my purse stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday and most likely tomorrow.

I'm running out of purses...

Changes...

March 2006-----------------------------------------June 2006

September 2006-----------------------------------December 2006

virtual model

Chart of progress:

graph

aversion therapy

I have had minimal hair loss, enough to plug the tub from each shower, but no one looking at my photos can tell, and I can not tell from looking at my head, so that is a non-issue.
I rarely throwup now that I know what is okay to eat and what is not. the first two months was difficult, but when you throw up, it is a 1/4 of a cup and that is it. so that is not really a lot. today was the first time in AGES that I had an episode, I sucked down too much ice tea too fast, the cold constricted my tummy ( it was nearly pure ice) and so I took in more than could safely trickle down stream in such a small period of time. I ended up pulling over on old louetta, heaved, go back in the car and was perfectly fine the rest of the day. I would even go as far as saying that it is a lot like aversion therapy. if you eat too much, or eat something that will have a negative impact overall, your body will create and aversion to it through making you nauseated or flat out puke, may take once or twice before you learn, HELLO, if you do not want to do THAT again, do not put it in your mouth. and then your bodily happily moves on. even the basic temptation to suck down a 32 oz ice tea in 1 hour is not a good thing, so today my body said, NO. usually I drink 10 oz of hot tea in an hour and my body can handle that. but over all the basic 'chug' or 'guzzle' is not healthy and now I can no longer do it.

Sverre was in Amsterdamn sunday and said that security was running along pretty swimmingly, and he didnt pack any liquids to clog the system. he is just glad to be 'home' but not necessarily to be back in the states. he loved munich and would move in a heartbeat if he was offered a job.

Magnus has 1.5 hours of kindergarten today and is adjusting. tomorrow is the big day, both will ride the bus and start school. I have been frazzled getting all my shopping done yesterday and today. I will head downtown tomorrow for some last bit of supplies. then start working harder on my photography business.

1X's

today, I put on a pair of Tommy Hilfiger jeans, they were 4 inches too small in the waist when I had my first interview with the surgeon (I had a 42" waist)

the day of surgery, they were 2 inches to small, I was a 40 inch waist.

today I put them on and they were 38" and I buttoned and zipped them up and could wigged out of them and pull them off without unbuttoning them. I did it two more times for each of my family. freaked me out. my husband has a 34" jean, and I am going to assume with the 38's so big, I can squeeze into a 36, about 6 more weeks and I can wear his jeans. THAT rocks!

decided to just do the deed and clean out the closet. Threw out the 3X's, then threw out the 2X's and now I just have 1X's and that leaves very little to choose from. I have been adding in two shirts each month, and a skirt here, pants there. so I have two of each to get me by as I go down the bunny slope. two dresses, two skirts, two jackets, two shirts, two tshirts, two blouses two slacks, two jeans and two sweaters.

I do not dare go overboard now since I really have more months to get to my goal and you know that with 12 lbs a month, that will be a big change.

My story and I am sticking to it

my story is mostly amusing.

when I met my husband, he was a 6ft4in 175 bean pole, I was 5ft7in 225 cottonball but while he agreed most of the women in his country (Norway) were rail thin like him, he would like to be with me.

ten years + 2 big boys later, I was 275 and he dropped to 169. (yes ladies, he eats 3500 calories a day and is just pure evil). his cooworker died in 2001 two weeks post WLS. so he had some serious trepidation about the surgery.

however, I pursued it and finally he agreed that it would be a win/win situation.

here is his theory. I have the surgery, He gets a skinny wife, HE WINS.
I have the surgery, I die, he has 1/2 million life insurance policy on me, HE WINS.

there were days that I thought he was a turd for this theory, but there were days that I agreed. LOL. so I took him with me to the consultation with the surgeon. but the rest of the appointments I went to alone.

he did not even go to the hospital with me, my daughter was my buddy. she even spent the night with me in the hospital while he stayed home with our two little boys. I scheduled all the daycare for the boys for the day of surgery, the day after, and the first day I would be home from the hospital. he did come see me on his lunch hour the day of surgery, and picked me up on his lunch hour the day after to take me home. but he did not miss any work due to my surgery.

so while it sounds like he was callus and rude and totally not supportive, in actuality this is my body. I got here by myself. no one forced me to eat all those cheese cakes, no one forced me to sit at a computer 18 hours a day. I did it all by myself.

He has found a way that works for him. he rides his bicycle every day, 14 miles to work and back, 60 miles on saturdays to keep his metabolism up. 'IF ONLY I WOULD DO WHAT HE DOES, I WOULD BE FINE" if only I would eat like him (vegetarian) I would be fine, if only I would blah blah blah.

at some point he recognized that I am not him, that I do not metabolism like him, and that being hungry, is just the way I was. literally, I would be so rushed in the morning, that I would not sit down to eat breakfast, by the time we were in the car and to the third red light, I WAS HUNGRY. and wanted to swing through ANY FAST FOOD to get some food. he totally could not understand why I did not just stop and eat at home. with a family of 5 kids, I never took a moment for me at home.

so he was supportive in his way, he paid the medical bills and I never had to worry about the finances. he has been much more supportive this summer about finances than any time in the past. and while he does not verbalize all the wow's for me post surgery, he does defend me when guests come over and in the conversation, they just can not believe that I would do something so drastic that I will be forever changed, FOREVER and he says, well, you should see her weight loss graph, she is very happy with her choice.

ultimately YOU have to do this FOR YOU and not FOR him and not for the CHICK down the street. it is going to be ALL about YOU. also, you may find that this will change your marriage because the first 3 months after (at least) you will be putting YOU first, your EATING will take precidence, your exersize will be YOUR first priority and you will not BE there for HIM as much. For probably the first time in 11 years, he will find out that it is not all about HIM. that is probably pretty scary.

;-) I keep telling myself, hang in there, because, YOU are number ONE and it IS all about YOU! do not appologize for that. do not under rate that.

one of my friends that had the surgery a couple of years ago counseled me this:

I DID THIS FOR ME, NO ONE ELSE CAN DO IT FOR ME

-17.2 lbs in 6 weeks in Motel

I have been thinking about my colon all morning, but simply because I had to make a food choice yesterday to get things moving. the 'interesting' side bar of the surgery, is that you only 'go' once a week but it is 'irritating' when you get backed up.

for me, ice cream used to 'move' things along, but lately, not even that is effective. I resorted to shredded wheat to create some 'fiber', takes 12 hours to make an 'impact', and then the 'fun' begins. ;) my poor intestines got all sad for a couple of hours.

tonight I am working on a gala apple to see if I can not keep things continuously flowing. I swear, I really need to get a life.

I think that I am totally getting dehydrated again. very easy to do when I am out with family and do not have a bottle in my hand. also water by itself just rips my tummy and so I have been drinking propel, easy on the tummy, but I am getting sick of the taste.

protein shakes. blech, they are just too sweet. my dh cuts them with kefir and that really helps he says, so I will try that when I get home tomorrow. woke up with about 40 strands of hair on the pillow, so it would seem that I am approaching the 3 month anniversary and am going to lose more hair.

walking, that is above average, so I am not going to stress on that for awhile. I really need to focus on increasing my intake of food and fluids. yesterday was okay, I had a sausage patty for breakfast, popcorn in the afternoon, and shredded wheat for dinner. so 8 oz of protien for the day is totally not good. I just couldnt face the salmon in the fridge, blech, so sick of salmon. cup of sf hot chocolate for bedtime snack (last 10 oz of the day)

I am excited that the scales are moving, 6 lbs this week, but like I said, my colon is just irritated and upset. am packing and flying tomorrow. will feel better when I get home and in my own environment, it has been a long 6 weeks in the motel room.

hell, I am gonna give my self a pat on the back, living in a motel room on fastfood, no bicycle, and I was able to stay focused and lose 17.2 lbs in 6 weeks, I AM VERY PROUD OF ME!

my boys start school on the 16th, the BABY will be in full day K and #4of5 will be in 1st grade. I plan to work full time and be more productive this year, all alone at home all day.

End of a L*O*N*G summer

Week 6 of 6, I am here in Washington on court ordered visitation with my 15 year old autistic daughter, I come up every 120 days and stay 14 - 42 days so that I can visit with her, then back to Houston and my work. I have been doing this (camping and living out of suitcases, driving 23K miles a year to maintain my relationship with her) since 1997 when her biological father reversed the custody. I am sure in the last 10 years, I honed my emotional eating to a fine razor edge here.

It has been some of the most extremely stressful years of my life. His sexual harassment, his bullying, manipulating and power struggles have done as much for my 'current situation' as my growing up with one of the most dysfunctional step-parents this side of a Stephen King novel. (step dad #1 was abusive black rage alcoholic pedophilia). I have already worn out my psychologists calendar working through all those issues. Growing up, I would come to the dinner table, and he would ask where my money was, afterall this was not a free ride. At restaurants, I ordered the cheapest item, a grill cheese sandwich because he said I would have to wash the dishes and if I took too long, he and my mom would leave me there at the diner. I took control of my eating once I was an adult.

It is really difficult to 'read' and hear all the advice that I will lose my hair and lean muscle if I do not get 50 mg of protein a day, so much research all say that 20-24 grams of protein a day is not enough. That my health will suffer from the inadequate supply. That my slow loss is from too little food, that 125 calories are not enough. That my metabolism will slow even more rather than pick up if I do not get enough calories. How do you ignore all the 'advice' from all those that have been there and done that before.

the B12 that I am getting is dissolved in the water, and it could be that the extra 20 oz of water is what is helping as much as the b12 itself.

Jackie (the nurse) called today and rescheduled the visit for the 24th, so hopefully I can drop the difference between what I weigh and the target weight by then. Which of course, when mentioned to my dad (step dad#2) he said that that is the same old thinking that got me into this. Just keep plugging slow and stead and if it takes 2-3x as long, so be it. No crashing. After all it is not as if I can EAT LESS to lose weight, right? heehee

Sore Bum

imagine sliding down a bumpy hill on your bum? OUCH whee OUCH whee OUCH whee OUCH whee

the same thing happens to your emotions and your mind when your weight is sliding down, bump bump bump.

I truly wish I could just take a nap, wake up and it be done and over with. the wow moments occur, I am wearing JEANS this week. it is a freaky feeling, I have not worn JEANS for YEARS. they cut in the waist, they are binding, and do not 'give' when you sit. well these are 'baggy fit' and the waist is 38" and they fit in the waist and have plenty of give in the belly so I am learning how to live in them again. first time since 1990 so I have backtracked 16 years of my life, back to when I was 24. that is an surreal experience.

walked more yesterday.
1.8 miles, 3.12 miles the day before and 4.29 miles the day before that. and the weight is coming off, but the water intake is dwindling, so if I want to keep healthy, I HAVE to keep up with that as well. I did get some supplimental protein in yesterday, not sure if I will today. one hour at a time. made some herbal tea, but erik spilled it on the floor. ;-( sigh.

nearly stayed on task yesterday, chicken for breakfast, salmon & lettuce for lunch, and then dinner was a bit of a deviation. black berries and vanilla ice cream. wow, that was delicious.

Peeps

I walked 4 miles, I drank 40 oz, I ate 3 oz of meat

so tiny steps in one direction.

The tough part is that I think that I am starting to get some depression coming on. I am having trouble with B12 and protein. My husband says that it takes years to have B12 deficiency. It could all be in my head, but a shot of zipfizz or a protein shake does seem to help with the exhaustion and fatigue.

I am walking 6 - 8 miles and getting too tired and too dehydrated, I seem to spend all night re-hydrating. I have my second post op check up in a week and I am not near that target. Normally I would not be so hard, but, the 'doctor said' that if I am not losing 4 lbs a week he will know that I am not following the plan.

Not to mention, how difficult can it be to lose 4 lbs a week. Gracious me. It should be as easy as falling off a ladder when your only eating 3 oz a day. So many reports say that it takes 1700 calories to EXIST, I am only consuming 225 calories, the body should be forcing the the rest to evaporate just by shear force. I increased the exercise to change the metabolism, and it does the exact opposite. My metabolism slows down even further.

I have heard all the 'body adjusting' discussions, it is still very frustrating that to me. I am going back to work in a week and I am extremely nervous about that. It has been three months since I worked, and when you are a photographer, you have to be in a creative mood or it shows in your work. Not to mention, I do not know IF I will even have any any clients to work with this fall. One peep in 90 days is not very encouraging.

it does help to put the thoughts and words down, I was typing in my blog today, IM'ing my dh last night, and typing back and for there and on the GB board seems to at least put it all in perspective.

some of it is physical, eating 225 calories a day (1/2 of dense protein), drinking 40+ oz of liquid a day is a challenge at best.

adding in my autistic daughter, my hyper son, living in a motel room for 6 weeks changes a challenge into a struggle.

my parents came to visit (staying in the same room with me) and I do love them. I really really do. but they are 'old school' and my son is 'new age' and does not have enough respect, does not have enough manners, does not have enough yada yada yada so there is hourly bickering. (he is 6, nearly 7- they are 60+ nearly 100) yada yada. they want to walk 10 miles a day, and I totally agree, I need to walk. and having someone around that DOES want to walk with me is a BLESSING, I do not have anyone else of my acquaintance that will walk with me. they are really good about walking slowly, and taking breaks for my benefit. I just feel like a lazy slug, and my mind goes from struggle to mind numbing bone weary exhaustion.

my tummy is still only 1 oz in size, and is filled in a heartbeat, there is no way to get in extra calories, most foods just heave right back up. I have spent 9 weeks learning what I can and can not tolerate, most of which has been over the porcelain bowl. there is nothing wrong with me. all the foods that my doctor said that I could tolerate, I can, but the ones that he said I can not, guess what? he was right. I can not. so it is not like I do not have good advice, I am just stubborn and have to do everything the hard way.

part of the despondency's is the knowledge that what he said was right and that there are no loopholes. I hate that. I am all about loopholes. and there are no loopholes. I also was betting on having an 8 oz tummy by Christmas. well, newsflash, another patient of the same doctor that is 1+ years out gave me some startling news. 4oz by Christmas, not 8, that was a big shock and a real bummer.

back to the photography point of my stress. I keep asking myself, WHAT AM I GONNA DO? I do not know if the depression is clouding my photography drive, or if the lack of work is clouding my depression? or if it is like a couple of toddlers fighting over a single toy. I still catch a toddlers eye and get the giggles from them, play peek a boo and love the interaction, so I know I still love the squishy little creatures. I am just worried that come august/September/October I will not be 'working' and that will hurt my feelings.

and after all, it is all about me, right? heehee

following in faith

Music Video:JESUS, TAKE THE WHEEL (by Carrie Underwood)

Music Video Code provided by VideoCodeZone.Com

Pump Up the Volume!

WALKING:

Thursday 0.63 miles
Friday 1.43 miles
Saturday 2.64 miles
Sunday 1.10 miles
Monday 2.46 miles (parents here)
Tuesday 8.06 miles (parents here)
Wednesday 6.40 miles (including a monster hill)(parents here)

my tongue has been hanging out and I am sucking down protein shakes just to keep up. today I added in some zipfizz (B12) as well so that I am not draggin butt all over town.

Doldrums...

okay, it is 1 am and I am very tired, still. I took a 5 hour nap this afternoon and am still TIRED.

I didn't do very well eating today. I had 1 oz of chicken, 1 oz of steak and 6 oz of protein shake. just not hungry, but very tired. I will try to eat my zucchini tomorrow. I did really really lousy on my fluids today, also why I am so tired. puking on water last night just took the piss and vinegar out of me.

Naomi was emotionally draining today. she had a complete meltdown at Costco, another one in the motel room. did swim for two hours before she started acting up there as well, she had some fresh air on the picnic table but overall the day was not very pleasant.

I will make me a tea before bed to get in 10 more oz. I was feeling so fantastic after my 3 mile walk and 4 hours at the beach yesterday, other than a little sunburn, I was in a great mood. now, I just want to curl up and sleep. I am sure if I could just get more fluids in, I would feel better, but everything tastes wretched. Too sweet. too cold. Too whatever.

The good, the bad, the UGLY

wow, what a day yesterday. Okay, so yes, it is extremely stressful 'living' in a motel room. No yard for the little prince to run and just play. No, I do not want to hang out at the pool, my tail bone is still extremely tender from the fall at Colgate licks (January 2005) which makes sitting there unbearable. Aunt Flo arrived two days ago, which makes me irrational, bloated, and out of patience before I get out of bed. Naomi came for a long visit, almost 36 hours, she has been on period for two additional days, so her mood has been interesting. Nothing like a little drama queen to shake things up. Erik thinks that it should be all about him, after all, he is the crown prince. So he wants to watch his cartoons, he wants to wear his roller blades, he wants to go to the pool, but only if someone will play with him.

And to top things off my tummy has not been cooperating. Okay, so it was self induced. I was hungry, leafy greens was the order of the day, so I had pickled asparagus. ½ a jar (2.25 ounces) and I was still hungry, so 1 mozzarella cheese stick later, and I felt okay. Waited a little bit and had my evening sugar free cocoa to get my fluids in before sleep and OMG, I do not know what I was thinking, but that was not a good mixture. My tummy roiled. My gut alarm went off. I kept it all down all night long, but along about 8 am, that was it. All the stress, all the different foods, I had a serious dumping.

What is a dumping? Starts with a little nausea and intestinal cramping, the mouth starts to water, you find yourself sitting on the toilet, with a garbage can under your head to catch everything. Usually it is over in 30 minutes, and then another 20-40 minutes laying down until the sweats and nausea pass. Well, after 3 more trips to the toilet, and a total of 3 hours, it passed. Granted, my colon is immaculate now. And I lost 4 lbs from the episode, that is not a pleasant way to go.

Jazzer called, upset that she had broke down and her boyfriend couldn't come rescue her, I snapped. And made her feel even worse. Called back later to say sorry. It was not as if I could 'do anything' 400 miles away, and I was just so frustrated. She does forget to 'check the oil' and I was no better at her age, I was just crabby and she caught the brunt of it. She seems better now.

I spent the rest of the day eating seasoned steak strips and vanilla protein shake, very very careful. Got all my meds and vitamins in. Walked with the kids to Costco to get my walking in (1.5 miles) and Erik and Naomi spit a slice of pizza and a berry smoothie. Erik did get his pool time, and I got a movie before sleeping. But there is a nagging headache a brewing, took some EX Tylenol last night and again today, still 'there' was seriously planning to walk the greenbelt along the riverfront today before it go hot, but I do not know how I will react to the sun today.

What is normal Anyway?

the scale is sliding back down to normal (1.5 lb gain this week freaked me out) which of course sends my 'mood' into orbit as well.

I read that jcpenney had a great sale, but only found two blouses, what really sucks is that i have lost 61 lbs in 4 months and have not changed sizes. how freaky is that? I am still a size 20. so my boobs and my waist are the same as before, and so no need for new clothes yet. ;-(

two more weeks here in the north, and then back to houston, where it is of all things cooler. ;)

103'F today here, ewh. it is 87 in houston, but 87 humidity, so that sucks too!

so far today, I got 1/2 my vits in, started on my zipfizz, and will get some steaks in. plan to make meatballs with cream of broccoli tonight for dinner. have to clean out the fridge. ;) and save some money on eating out/groceries.

WEIGHT: 214.2
FLUIDS: yesterday: 35 oz total (50% of goal)
10 oz propel
5 oz water
10 oz protein shake
10 oz sf hot chocolate
EXERSIZE: 1.5 miles (mall, mcD's)
PROTEIN: (30g)
1 oz fish (5 g)
1 oz chicken(5 g)
1 oz ham (5 g)
10 oz protein shake (15 g)

awe... I feel your pain. I have just gotten used to never trying anything new without being 15 ft from my home toilet. ;) and sometimes it is not new, it is the same thing I have eaten for 3 days, and then, it just decides to 'react',

I think of it like the express way, there are 6 lanes, all in the same direction.
preop: you take two lane roads and go anywhere you want, you have redlights, you have congestion, and eventually you live to get to your destination.
postop: you take the freeway: if you want to take the feeder/frontage which is safer, it is slower, you can easily get in an out of gas stations. you eat what you want, when you want and you bail when you want to.

if you want to take the expressway, it is faster, but it is one direction. and there is a minimum and a maximum speed limit. if you stay in the slow lane, some will pass you by, but you are fairly safe. you stick to the food plan and you do not consume any contraband.

if you get into the fast lane, you must be prepared to haul butt down the road, sometimes going 10 mph over the speed limit if you want to 'survive' this path will land you in fender benders (dumping) occasionally, but hey, it is quick.

I have discovered what will and will not cause me to get sick and I am inching onto the expressway, having spent 8 weeks on the feeder and learning my limitations. some say 'back to the basics' and I do believe that keeps it fairly simple. proteins first. if you fill your pouch with proteins (meats) then you really can not go wrong. it is boring but it is efficient.

Blip on the Radar

It has been interesting this summer. I am not driving all over the countryside. I am not journaling all my exploits. however, that is the consequences of spending time just getting healthy instead of spending time with each child, trying to make it memoriable.

Magnus is having a great time in Norway. He loves going out on the boat on the North Sea. I have not gotten an update from the trip to Tronheim yet, but I am sure that he is loving it.

Erik is constantly wanting 'entertainment', if not swimming in the pool, skating around the motel, if not at the dollar store, then at McDonalds, if not picking blackberries on the greenbelt, then in the sand along the river. we went to a park and he had a plethora of toys to climb on, but without other children, he was lost. we even walk over to costco for a change of pace just to get out and move. he got a little go cart from Jazz, and that captivates him for a few minutes, but overall, it has to be human interaction or cartoon network.

Naomi seems to dip in and out of reality more and more. I assume that it is the extreme heat that she is not tolerating well. while I do not need the a/c on this summer even in 106'F, I do keep it on for her. she prefers the pool, or eating. she has been doing a lot of that lately. she is now much bigger than I was when I got married the first time. her weight is over 135 lbs and she is still very short in stature, closer to 5 ft even. it is too hot to take her on walks, too hot to do much of anything but swim, but that works, that and playing quietly with the toys that are her old familar friends when she comes to visit.

Krys is coping as best she can with the choices that she has made. her life long partner is her choice. her consequences in living arrangments, are her choice. daily, I remind myself that it is not up to me to help her. it is not up to me to teach her, from now on, she is responsible for her family and she will have to live with all those choices.

Jazz is doing realtively well. she takes 3 steps forward and 1 step back. I really feel for her. she works as much as she can, but she has not perfected her work ethic yet, and they are being patient with her, guiding her down the right path. she really is fortunate in that aspect. her boyfriend is not the most 'affectionate' person, but that is really healthy for them. she is learning that it is not all about her, so I am not getting in the middle of it. she makes choices, she lives with the consequences. all in all, she has grown tremendously in the last 3 years. she is much more polite and respectful and it could have all gone a totally different way at the rate she was going.


after dealing withe the concept that the surgery is considered permanent. what will happen in the future?

I am 8 weeks out and my stomach has not stretchd yet, it is still only 1 oz in size. I had planned to be less careful about what and how much I eat after I get down to my goal weight. I was told that my tummy will stretch so that it can hold more. by christmas it should be able to hold 8 oz, so I could potentially eat 8x what I eat now (1 oz) so that will increase my food intake from 135 calories a day to 1200 calories a day just by shear volume.

then if I include some goodies that I am not eating now, like carboydrates my caloric intake will go up another 500 calories, to 1700 which is the normal recommended intake.

it is so funny, they say that it takes 1700 calories to function a day, that is such a crock. I have been existing on 125 - 200 for two months, and the scale does not move down as fast as you would think, there are periods when I do not lose an ounce for days and weeks. you would think that I would be loosing a pound a day but I dont.

I am waiting to see if that really happens, yesterday
hmm that is all well and good. but let's review. I have a 1 oz pouch.

breakfast: 1 oz turkey
lunch: 1 oz roastbeef
snack: 1 oz asparagus
dinner: 1 oz salmon

now to evaluate what I can gain from that (fitday):

Calories Eaten Today

	grams	cals	%total
Total:		156
Fat:	4	36	26%
Sat:	1	10	7%
Poly:	1	6	4%
Mono:	2	14	10%
Carbs:	11	25	18%
Fiber:	5	0	0%
Protein:	19	78	56%
Alcohol:	0	0	0%

maybe I need to work on that Alcohol goal. heehee

Picture Update

Naomi and I are just leaving the motel room to go have breakfast at McDonalds. Naomi had Pancakes, Erik has buscuits and I had sausage.

Chinese Garden Colon Cleanse

ROTFLMAO

it must be the MSG because while I have been craving Beef and Broccoli for weeks now, I never expected the total complete unadulterated colon cleanse that I got from one 1 oz serving.

now I have been stressing over the scale ever since this began. at first it was weekly weighins, then daily weighin's and then bidaily, and then quad daily, and that has continued. I tried going two weeks without the scale, but ultimately caved and bought a new one. I have replaced my addiction for stuffing stuff in my mouth with weighing myself. my mood swings fluxuate with the scale. I do not recommend it. I constantly tell myself that it is inaccurate, that I should wait until morning before food after pee, but the fact of the matter is that is what happens.

I chart my change, only recording if the scale moves and then keeping a permanent record of weekly measurements. my chart is practically my best friend. it makes me happy. today I updated it again. that being said, confessed, and absolved. no freaking wonder people get bleeding ulcers from this process. gracious me. the doctor told me 4 lbs a week. I missed the target by 1 lb this week and by 3 as it was looking yesterday. this is a lot of stress. this is a hard road to hold. or is it row to hoe? I never can figure that one out! it makes it very difficult to focus on any thing else.

at least I had the soundness of mind to do this during my summer break so that I do not have to focus on other things like work or kids or household chores. although those might be how others get through this, is focusing outside of the body. they may be the healthy ones.

so "downward movement" has made today a 'good day' and I do not want to fret anymore. I will stick to the plan, considering that deviating yesterday with hashbrowns and sausage gravy had negative impact. and we shall see how it goes.

I am just a bad bad kitty kat, (swishing tail, as I scamper off to get into trouble)

stupid is as stupid does

the doctor said: lean meats and leafy green vegetables.

I said: yeah right.

week one:
eggs, with or without yoke does not make a difference, all make me nauseated as hell. with salsa are my favorite breakfast, so that totally sucks.

week two:
I had four sips of lemonade, and puked my guts out. I regretted the lemonade. the very essence of DUMPING

week three:
cauliflower, SUPPOSED to be BENIGN, tremendous gas.. big nono oh nono

week four:
so I ate 1/2 a radish and puked my guts out. I regretted the radish. (side bar, the blood red beat that went down after the radish was oh so lovely coming back up!!)

week five:
cinnamon roll... foamies.. yeast ball in the tummy, puke, nauseated. ;-( bad kitty kat, bad bad kitty kat
cheapo hamburger meat, meatballs. also supposedly benign, not even LEAN means LEAN. this stuff is just toxic waste. mental note avoid at all costs.

week six:
granola is highly overrated, hit the tummy like a ton of bricks.
a soft pretzel, and alternatively puked foam, gagged, and puked my guts out. I regretted the pretzel TREMENDOUSLY.

sample tables at costco are dangerously alluring. first off, three tables and your pouch is STUFFED. secondly. those chips are evil. top with smoked salmon, innocent enough, topped with beans. BAD NEWS. bad bad bad news. what was I freaking thinking?

week seven:
so I ate hashbrowns and sausage gravy, and puked my guts out. I regretted the sausage gravy. there are moments when I just regret the concept of food.

the sad point is that I can not 'call anyone' for sympathy. I was given the idiot proof menu, I choose to break it, I have no one to blame but me. I can sit, look in the mirror and think, YOU is a BOZO!! You are a hard headed stubborn MULE. you just never freaking learn.

however, heehee I have learned that I can have tillamook ice cream, dry corn flakes, a couple of cookies, a little popcorn, some seedless green grapes.

I have no patience

I just want to be at goal already. I can see a change, not just on the scales, but on my body. However, I am alternating between rebellion and compliance. saturday was a 'bad' day, I got sick with every meal, granola was a bad choice for breakfast. soft pretzel was a HORRIBLE choice for lunch (gagged as I puked on the foamies) and projectile vomited on the 'premade' meatballs from Costco (too high fat content + did not chew well enough = blech! so total daily consumption of food -0-.

each day is a challenge. I am 'tired' of the same ol same ol taste, texture, and flavor. the best choices are turkey and roast beef lunch meat, but horrible gas. I am so sick of ketosis garbage mouth. asparagus works best, but so bleeding boring! sprinkled different powdered seasoning but nothing can mask the dull boring drudgery of it.

treated myself to some vanilla cookies (1.8 oz) with a WHOOPING 250 calories. YIKES. they were too sweet and I got heart flutters, so that was not a good choice. since the package had only 8 cookies (1.8 oz) I was able to STOP before I really went into Dumping. I was just dying for something to nibble on while watching a movie. it is all about relearning habits, so far. I think I would be better once I can have 'frozen' smoothies for such occasions.

I have been rather sluggish and tired lately, tried getting out and walking yesterday, had some salmon that was too oily, and some corn chips that were too blech, and some beans. that would have been fine if not for the corn chips, so rethink that plan. you can get totally filled up at the sample tables at costco with a normal size tummy, imagine with just 1 oz? heehee it is a whole new experience. ;) I did sneak back for two samples of the salmon, and should have just let it go.

have been taking naps each afternoon, just so tired. have been so very careful this week, not out in the heat and sun, hydrating, finally hit the mark yesterday. woke up without cotton mouth = clear urine = hydrated. it is a delicate balance.

while the scale is slowly creeping down (-59 lbs so far) to 216. I am learning that there are some foods that are no longer on the menu:

cauliflower
radishes
pickled foods packed in oil (artichokes and mozzarella)
granola
fatty hamburger
soft serve ice cream
lemonade
soft pretzels

the good news is that there are still some goodies that are still digestable:
tillamook ice cream and Pizza Hut Pizza, Yumm.

doing great on my vitamins and gall stone medication, but really trying on getting enough fluids in. find that I am super tired in the afternoon, so may be due to dehydration. each day is a new challenge!

but as the weight falls off, my heart has an easier time getting through each day. I have been 'tired' lately, even when naomi is here, I have been taking naps, probably aslso due to the limited calories (125-200 / day) and the heat. I have not had the a/c on since all my company left, the temperatures have been great and my arthritis has been better with out the a/c .
I have not really had the motivation to walk down by the river since my parents. I think that dehydration bought was just too scary. once it cools down I will try again.

My advice to PreOp Panic:

I got on the scales today. 218!

I have not seen 218 since 1993... I kept telling myself. I just need to TRY harder. I just need to be more CONSISTENT. I just need.... blah blah blah.

I will not tell you that it will be easy. it is not. anyone that thinks this is a cake walk is in for a rude awakening. this is one of the most challenging lifestyle changes ever.

BUT...

it does work. period. you will survive. you will succeed. you will take back control of your life. now granted, your body will bitchslap you if you go out of your way to self destruct. ;)

FAITH:
my first recommendation is prayer. not only your own prayers, but enlist all of those people around you, far and wide. trust me, they work.

PREPARE:
second. even if you started 3 years ago, you will never 'get all your affairs in order' but you can make a start, and then keep resolutions to make some changes. I really felt touched by 'live like you were dying'. I did start treating people better, and resolved to continue after the surgery. I am finishing that 'book' project that I have been puttering on since 1991 (it is a great 'quiet time' project this summer while I heal.

REFLECT:
third. journal. blog. but write out your feelings. your thoughts. your fears. keeping them inside just freaks you out and gives the fear a food to feed on and that is not healthy.

RESOLVE:
fourth. you will change your mind 100x a day, even after the surgery. ;-) this is just NORMAL. I still have days that I think, what the hell was I thinking. but I keep a chart of my progress. my weekly weight and my weekly measurements. I post a graph that shows the slow decent. http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1971/2472/1600/20060710weight.0.jpg

each week, I update it and it FEELS SO GOOD. I have a goal, I have a tool. I can be successful.

TRUST:
people will be supportive, it is just human nature, people want the best for you. when you need another pick me up, talk to people, it feels wonderful.

SELFLESSNESS
the hardest part for women in general, is to stop swollowing all their own sorrow (along with jelly donuts) and to take time out for themselves and put themselves first. it took me 40 years to finally get to that point. TODAY I COME FIRST. my vitamins are first. my protein is first. my fluids are first. my exersize is first. I am first. not my kids. not my laundry, not my customers. ME! it is not selfish, selfcentered, or self absorbed. it is survival. just like in the airplane. put your own air mask on first before try helping your child or others. this is a tool that is the most selfless act you can do to give your family the best mom/wife/daughter possible for as long as possible.

PEACE:
when it finally comes down to it. LET GO AND LET GOD. just like anything else, he is not done with you yet. granted, this is a factory recall, and your plumbing was not 'perfected', I know I kept thinking, I must be INSANE to go in and deliberately have someone comeplete reroute my plumbing. it defies all logic. but just like someone that needs other surgery from birth defects, this solves a problem that was there from birth, through no fault of our or our parents choice, we were born this way, and now we can resolve the problem.

FUTURE:
the first rule is that there are no rules. what I could not eat last month, I may or may not eat this month. this can go either way. it can work FOR your or AGAINST you. how far I walked last month may or may not be how far I can walk this week, also can work for or against you. there are guidelines and they will work for you, each doctor has operated, and then listen to customer feedback and has perfected his method and routine that will work for you if you follow it. listen to your body, when you think you need to move, move, when you think you need to rest, rest. do not measure by what you used to do, throw that out the window. each day is new and different.

SMILE:
you will be okay, you will learn all about YOU. you will take time for YOU! you will succeed! and you will love how good it feels to be YOU!

Typical Day

my Rx was eat only 3 time a day so that has made it much easier.

730 am
2 vitamins
8 oz herbal tea

9 am
eat my 1 oz turkey

930 - 1230
sucking down 23 oz bottle of zipfizz

1 pm
1 oz salmon

130pm
23 oz propel

6pm
1 oz asparagus
2 vitamins
6:30
(3) 8oz herbal tea

9:30
1 oz roastbeef

this is not 'exactly' what everyone or anyone is doing, but this is what works for me.

Baby Steps downhill

driving myself crazy without a scales this summer, I gave up, gave in and bought a new set.

why oh why

I have been battling the bulge my entire life. For a treat, I would get a bag of Doritoes and a 6 pack of Dr. Pepper. From the time I was in high school, when I thought that little pouch on my belly was something. In 1984, I was 5ft 7in and 150 lbs, just 10 lbs overweight. I gained 60 lbs with my twins, and then lost almost all of it immediately (within 5 days) after they were born. Just 10 more lbs kept hanging on. While my eating habits were poorly based on McDonald's, I did exercise a tremendous amount, so I didn't suffer a lot of retaliation from fast food. YET. Once I started college (in 1987) when they were 15 months old, I started some additional bad habits, not only was dinner fast food, but now breakfast was from the snack machine, a package of Grandma's Cookies and a can of Coke each day on my way to lecture. As my class load increased, so did my waist. By the time I was a Junior in 1990 I had gained yet another 20 lbs, and then I had my third child, and gained another 30 lbs, after she was born, I could never get below 200 lbs, I took tons of nutrition classes, special classes on weight management at the hospital, paid tons of money to learn to eat healthy. All efforts would have a small success and then a larger failure. By 1995 I had gained another 25 lbs, in 1998, I gained 10 lbs over the holidays, and then I got pregnant again, ballooning up to 265 lbs. It took 12 months to take it all off, and then I was pregnant again, and gained again, this time up to 285 lbs.

During the last month of my pregnancy, my husband's office colleague died 14 days after having gastric bypass surgery. While I had toyed with the idea of surgery, this situation terrified me and completely turned me off the idea of having surgery. I tried unsuccessfully to loose weight on my own. I tried for four years with minimal success. Eventually I got down to 242, but then a combination of rheumatoid arthritis medication and anti-inflammation medication, and stress, I started gaining like crazy, from 242 to 275 in a matter of weeks, I started to get some other issues affecting my health. Mostly irregular heart rhythms and decreased energy and just general poor health. I made the rounds of doctors to find out what was wrong and all signs pointed to my obesity and arthritis so I asked the doctor if she would recommend weight loss surgery and much to my surprise, she did recommend it as well as a referral.

The first place I started in was http://www.obesityhelp.com/ and I did a lot of reading and research, finding out who in my area was the most successful surgeon, what methods had the best success rate. Talking to other people that have had the surgery and who has been able to 'live' with the change. The doctor referral that I was initially referred only does Lap RNY, so several resources all pointed in the same direction.

I was able to get it to see the doctor for the initial consultation within 5 days of seeing my primary care provider. To be 'approved' for surgery, I had to have an initial BMI of 35 plus co-morbitities or 40+, mine was 42.1.

I was put on a strict diet (to accommodate my body to the primary food sources post surgery) while waiting for Insurance Approval (that took 28 days) and through preliminary testing (blood work, the EKG, the Gall Bladder Ultra Sound, the Upper GI, the physical exam, and medical clearance), that took another 3 weeks, eventually I got on the schedule for surgery. So my total preparation time was 90 days. It was an emotional roller coaster of dealing with when I eat, why I eat, all kinds of things.

The surgery it self was over so quickly, in at 7 am, in recovery by noon, home by 3 pm the next day, the learning to cope with the new tummy pouch, that has taken MUCH longer to get used too. What I can and can not eat, how much, how often when to drink, how to survive one sip at a time. That has been the challenge.

While on the restrictive diet the first 90 days, I was eating just lean meats and green leafy vegetables, it took some time to get used to but the weight loss was substantial. 10 lbs a month. I seriously considered continuing with that alone and not following through with the surgery. But as time went on it was harder and harder not to go back to old habits of eating food that was high carbohydrates. I felt myself back under the control of the carbohydrate monster and the cravings were driving me to consume them anyways. So I went ahead with the surgery as scheduled.

The surgery has a couple of benefits. One, you are FULL after consuming 1 oz of food. That limits your day to 3 oz of food or about 100 calories, which is highly effective in weight loss. The second is that the food you do eat is not fully optimized, and you miss most of the nutrients. The third is that you develop an intolerance for certain foods like sweets and oils. If I consume sugary sodas (with or without carbonation) I get nauseated and diarrhea, same with oily food. Even well cooked high fat meats that have been rinsed and drained can still make me heave, thus training me that those foods that are not good for me, make me sick.

One of the things that I am having difficulty with this month is that I am not able to be exercise as much as I was able to before the surgery. I have a harder time getting enough fluids to keep hydrated when it is hot and I am perspiring. I do not have the energy that I had (I used to be able to walk 8 – 10 miles) now I can barely go 5-6 miles.

Hope that helps answer your questions.

Liquid Challenge

no matter what I do, hot, cold, wet, wild, I just can not seem to get enough in each day. the fluids are still gurgling down, I can here them gurgle through my esophogus, it is a strange sound and I wonder how long it will last. while lunch meat is the easiest to 'portion out' and obtain, especially in a motel room, I still get horrible gas from the high processed nature of them. I really need a good old fashioned porkchop or chicken breast.

today I am starting with hot herbal tea. I am on my second 8 oz cup before breakfast. but that will pose some challenges as well, since I have been up for 2 hours and am getting hungry. so far I am still limited to 1 oz of meat and .5 oz of vegetables. I have to watch those last couple of bites or I will get over stuffed and then hurt for the next three hours. I would much rather eat .75 ounces and then have a snack in 3 hours than get in a full 1 ounce and hurt for those three hours.

have been walking a little here and there each day, about 1 - 3 miles a day, no dramatic speed races, just moving. hit the spa yesterday, nice and relaxing. my suit fits much better than it has in the past.

To date: 25 lbs lost before surgery, and 25 lbs lost after surgery, 50 lbs loss total. ;) I keep trying to develop a routine, even if it is only a couple of miles a day, just get out there and do it daily, then it is not such a 'shock' to the system personally I hate to move, but I force myself anyways. ;) I still want to weigh in 2 - 4 times a day but have deliberately left the scales at home on this trip so that I have to really work at finding other things to obsess about. I will trot over to costco today and see where I am at, (it has been 4 days since I weighed last) (sounds worse than a drunk, hey, it has been 4 days since my last drink. heehee)

Here's your Sign

I swear, I wonder sometimes at people. I had my son's 5th birthday party and invited some friends, it cooincided with my 1 month anniversary.

we were chatting about how I look (great) and how I feel (great) and how my pouch is limiting my food choices, not just quantity (totally shocking to them that you can exist on 3 ounces a day) and but content (no sweets and no fats) and they were just so many different reactions.

one woman was like well I could NEVER live without sweets, that can not be FOREVER can it? heehee she kept going on like I could change my mind and undo everything I have been working on for 4 months just because I can not eat the coconut pecan frosting off my sons german chocolate cake (I never ate the frosting before anyways) and she was getting so incredulous and finally asked my husband if I was really all that happy, he finally had to defend me, he said if you do not believe she is happy, look at her chart on the refridgerator, trust me, 50 lbs in 16 weeks, SHE IS HAPPY.

It continues to amaze me that people would continue to 'try to talk me out of the surgery' 4 weeks AFTER the FACT. I mean it is like:

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[HERE's YOUR SIGN]
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Loopholes

picture courtesy of Erik (age 6), the boy has talent!

my husband and I are at odds as well sometimes, he is totally into following the surgeons orders to the L-E-T-T-E-R. well, I am all about loopholes.
yesterday, while I was out WITHOUT supervision (mind you, I am 40, a mother of 5 and a soon to be grandmother of 1) I had gasp

1/2 a pancake for breakfast, with blueberries and whipped cream.

and for lunch, you are not going to believe this, for lunch I had

4 corn chips with nacho cheese. I swear, you would think that I was going to instantaneously combust.

dinner was just a freaking risk of life and limb, a deep fried cheese stick. (OKAY, that was really a bad choice, puked that up in 10 minutes) but live and learn)

it is my body, it is my choice, and I will be the one that pays the consequences. not him, not you, not the doctor, and no one else is in the bathroom holding my hair back while I am heaving, so I am the one that lives and learns.

that being said, WOW, the scale is moving again (just past the 3 week plateau) and life is getting better. now I am totally excited, for my birthday, I plan to get me a really really nice set of wedding rings that will fit my currently chubby fingers. ;)

let me tell you about Skinny arsed Horse Eating People.... this guy

can out eat me. when he packs his lunch for work, he takes so much food, it IS the size of a small child. he has breakfast, takes a morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, and then when he gets home, he has a protein smoothie and then an INSENSIBLE dinner.

last night for dinner he had 6 or 7 plate size pancakes, the night before he had something like 32 ounces of vegetables, he couldn't get any more on his plate, it would have rolled off.

it has been absolute hell living with him. he says that it is all metabolism. ttthhhbbb. I have more jiggles and wiggles than a bowl of Jello -Shotz and he is loosing too much weight because he is adding 60 mile rides on Saturdays to his normal work week rides of 15 miles per day. I huff, I puff, I nearly die of dehydration doing 9 miles on Saturdays and 3 miles a day during the week.

let me scream: it is not fair!

Progress that is hard won

little bites, lots of chewing

getting used to the 'rules' and finding 'loopholes' is my middle name. oh my aching tummy

dinner two nights ago, I woofed it down and got sick on my way to pick up krys in a rush

I was so sick for three hours. NEVER again.
I am so dehydrated today, every sip is just horrible on my tummy, I am sucking on popcicles, hopefully that will get some fluids in me.

I have my good days and I have my really bad days. good meals and really bad meals. I am learning a lot about me. I ate my dinner before sverre came home. some nice broccoli. He went to a lot of trouble to cook me perfect halibut fish dinner. and I told him that I had already ate. he measured out my portion, and left it on the counter. I should have walked away an left it, but I felt that it would be rude and I should have room. AUGH. I did not have room. I had to run Erik to a birthday party, I was sick for 3 hours. no amount of gas medicine would get the bubbles to go up, finally I started gagging and it came up in a napkin and I felt tons better. I think that the symethicone drops just got stuck in my esophogus. egads what an experience.

each day I have had one or two meals that were just horrible experiences. I have learned that 3/4 ounce is my limit, of anything. and while mint herbal tea worked well the first week, now it is just 'annoying' and I have raspberry herbal tea instead. this is just so complicated, do this, do that, meet this expecation, that expectation. what a pita. last night was bad dinner as well, I ate cauliflower and got HORRENDOUS gas bubbles in my tummy.

5:00 am: 20 oz water in 30 minutes, new worlds record
6:00 am: breakfast: 1 oz grilled chicken (slowly over 30 minutes)

horrible garbage mouth taste/smell- Ketosis. blech

Kat-Alert

I am doing fantastic!

each day is a learning experience on what I can and can not eat, when and what I can eat together, but over all, it has been really really successful.

Thursday I got my staples out, that was not pleasant, but it is over now.

yesterday I took the boys for a walk, made it 2 miles and drank 24 oz of water, that was really good for me. I can usually drink 1/2 oz at a time, each 10 minutes.

today I was fortunate that sverre did not go on his 60 mile ride with his biking buddy, so we loaded up the water bottles, packed lunches, and set out. we stayed in the subdivisions, using a long greenbelt part of the way to get in 9.2 miles, the last 1 miles was the hardest for me. my
original goal was 8 miles and I should have stuck to that, but I went adventuring a little bit and had a harder time getting home.

started teaching the boys to stop and sip every mile, so that they do not get dehydrated. we saw turtles, blue heron, squirrels and a very nice playground.

I am going to rest the rest of the day, I consumed .25 oz of beef for breakfast and .5 oz of pork for brunch and .5 oz of pork for lunch, so I am not due for dinner for a few hours. total calorie intake this week has been ranging from 20 calories (Thursday - Tuesday) and 100 calories
the rest (Wednesday - Saturday). I will continue with a 100 calorie days for another month.

total loss since March 5th: 40 lbs.

9.2 miles is 1.2 miles too far

10 days post operation and feeling great.

10 days post op

Picture update, 10 lbs lost since surgery, 35 lbs lost so far.

Motivation

today I was working on scanning all my film prints, 1977 through 2004, there are a BUTTLOAD of them.

I was doing great, finished 2004, 1/2 way through 2003, decided to get a wild hair up my butt and clean the glass of the scanner.

OOPs should have left well enough alone, now there is a strange blue / pink banding down the middle of the scans now.

grrrrr

sverre and I got into a grouchy fest this morning.

backstory: when I met and married him, he was a confirmed devout couch potato. today he dresses like lance armstrong and is an organic food fitness freak, 6% body fat! he is evil.

I asked him what changed from 1996 to 2006 and he got all pissy, "just because everyone I know never changes does not mean he cant change". HELLO
so i bite back, "no, I am fat, I want to know what motivated him, I would like some motivation, I would like a change"

"oh"

he is such a total turd.

anyways, he is off to work, I am off to work, and the boys are doing the standard issue summer school break bickering all day.

screaming

jumping up and down

I just got on the scales

I am only 4 lbs over what I was when I got pregnant with Erik! I have just shed 7 years of weight in 3 months and 4 days

okay, I feel better today.

motivation? no longer necessarily.

clue: today I packed a lunch for me and the boys to go to the park

(presurgery lunch:

2 pbj sandwhiches
3 bananas
3 corn bread muffins
3 water bottles)

today:

2 (1 oz) bags of pork chops
2 cliff bars
2 bags of gold fish
3 corn bread muffins
3 water bottles

now before, I could have easily had a nice snack and a lunch and been fine

today:
drank 10 oz water (wait 1/2 hour)
I ate 1 1oz bag of pork chop (good) waited 1/2 hour
drank 10 oz water (wait 1/2 hour)
ate 1/2 cornbread muffin (uhoh)
take a sip of water to wash it down (oh crap)
wait 1/2 hour with baited breath that I have just split open my pouch (new stomach)
take a single tiny sip of water at home 1/2 hour after last food intake (OH HOLY FREAKING HELL)
in the bathroom neasiated at hell, no puking, but you know the horrible taste in your mouth when it is imminent?
damn damn damn

okay

THAT IS MOTIVATION

back to being a good girl

1oz meals, every 5 hours and no fluids 1/2 hour before or 1/2 hour after

THAT SUCKED!

WHO am I?

I wear many hats.

I am first and last and foremost a MOTHER. There is no hiding it, no sidestepping the issue, it us undeniable. Even before I had children, I was a mother, parenting my mother, parenting my baby sister, I have been the grown up since I was 8. I have five children, the youngest boys are 4 and 6, and the oldest girls are 15, 20, and 20. While the three older girls are out of the house, I am still talking to them every 48 hours or less.

Number 1 daughter was born with bipolar disorder and raising her has been a love/frustration, exasperating situation for the last 20 years, 8 months and 14 days.

Number 3 daughter was born with autism and she lives in her own little world most of the time, but occasionally I can coax her out back into our world and get some positive interaction with her. It has been easy to obsess over her and do everything to make her better, but eventually you have to stop giving one child 90%, and put things back in to balance. Balance is the key.

I am a mother hen, I am 'always there' to listen and advice. I rarely bail them out, I refuse to enable the helpless, but I know how hard it is transitioning into adulthood, so I nudge along the right path, not necessarily the popular one, but the best choices for each of them.

I am a STORYTELLER. I steal moments in time, I secret them away in albums in zip lock bags on shelves, on CD's and DVD's for some day I will combine them with the story that I am writing. I started writing MY STORY in 1999, and it is EXTENSIVE, about 250 chapters, some are only a single page while others are 50 pages long. I have completed 23 generations of our family tree, back to the year 600 AD, to be included in our family story. When it is done, it will be a serious of volumes I am sure. When it is done. I have not finished because I am so busy creating other families chapters on film, but my saga continues.

I am a WIFE, and yes, for some reason, that comes third, and I was fortunate enough to find a husband that is okay with that. granted, I had to order him off from Amazon.com in 1996, and I have threatened to sell him on Ebay.com several time since, but once the 'honeymoon' wears off, once the 'tweaking' and 'PS'ing' is done, and we run our filters and our gaussian blurs, we make a perfect match. He is a computer hacking techno nerd that reads and watches SciFi, is vegetarian eating, bike commuting, and 6% body fat weirdo. But he is mine and he is happy with me. (Shaking my head, definitely a weirdo).

And I am ME. I never got enough time in front of the camera when I was growing up. I was the child from the first marriage, and naturally there were some issues there. Through a lot of emotional and physical abuse, I eventually found my solace in staying behind the camera (since 1977) and having a chocolate brownie snack to make it all better. I have been pedaling my bicycle for 12 months now and living my life, sometimes with and sometimes without the camera, but living none the less.

However, at the age of 40, I have made a tremendously strong move to put me first. (A powerful statement in and of its own) I am taking back control of my life, I am putting me first, not the kids, not the camera, not the clients, not the husband. This year, it is all about ME! I went to a doctor in March, I went on a pretty severe diet, I lost 30 lbs, I went in last week and the doctor performed gastric bypass, and now I am on my way to lose the balance (100 lbs) and taking a long hard look at being here another 40 years to really make a difference in those lives that I touch. I have had as near as I can tell 5 near death experiences, and there must be a reason that I am here. There must be something that I have not done yet. A gift or talent that I have to perfect and share.

Slow Steady Progress

someone nearly got hurt yesterday, I am soooooo hungry. 1.5 ounces of broth 5 times a day equals 20 calories. AAUUGGGHHH.. so I had three bites of chicken, wow. it was so good, but my tummy ROILED for an hour afterwards. yikes. two more days, just two more days.

I am 6 days post op, and I am starving. I have a 1/4 cup measuring cup for my broth, and while the first day was a little 'difficult' and I could not drink the whole thing, I can easily slurp one down, 5 times a day. as for the water. gracious, it is murder getting it all in each day. I have two 24 ounce sports bottles that I fille up from filtered water room temperature and keep them with me, the goal is one bottle before 3 pm and the second one before midnight. it feels like a rock. I can only do 1/2 ounce sips at a time. I did however sneak in two baby bites of fish on friday and two bites of chicken last night and my tummy ROILED for over an hour, so I am back to clear liquid devotion for another day. I can not explain why my tummy can easily slurp down a bunch of broth/tea but not water and solids but that is what I am finding so far. and I am STARVING frequently throughout the day. not head hungry, but you can hear my tummy growling, and creaking and gurgling begging for food. ;) 20 calories a day for the last 5 days and I am losing a pound a day.

I am STRUGGLING with staying hydrated. it takes all day to get 40 ounces in each day. Sverre is trying to get more hydrated as well, he agrees, you really have to concentrate. He times himself on the bike, and takes a 2 ounce sip every mile. I can only take a .5 ounce sip, and so I have to do it every 10 minutes. it feels like a brick hitting my stomach. tea and broth at warm temperatures are much easier to tolerate.

Pushing Hard

my mom is a red head and very sensitive to pain, I am a brunette and you can nearly drive a fork through the back of my hand and I hardly flinch.

I have not had any pain meds since 10 pm last night, I think I might use one more tonight to make sure I sleep comfortably.

I do not have a draintube, that would freaking driving me NUTS. they put the iv at the point of my elbow, what IDIOTS, every time I closed my arm, the alarm went off. SO GLAD that is out and over!

I took a toasty hot shower and washed my hair yesterday, hmmhmm good, I put on a maternity dress today to go out, the elastic band from my shorts friday were wretched! I can not say that the dress worked much better today. or maybe it did. lets talk about a mom's ability to push too hard? today: I started out slow, and then my 4 year old invited me to go with him and the rest of the family shopping, so I got dressed. after all, no sense sitting home being a slug right? the doctor said walk more.

I have 1.5 oz of broth for lunch
1st stop: Target: walking time 20 minutes, I am spry, I can do it.
2nd stop: Costco: walking time 1 hour 15 minutes, bang the cart against my belly, I think I am spry, I think I can do it, I am now hungry
3rd stop: Play it again Sports: walking time 10 minutes, tried out an incline bike, bang my knee into my belly, try the ski machine, freaking cool, I am not spry, I am loosing my mind
4th stop: Bike Barn, I sit in the car, I am old and I am decrepid
5th stop: BusyBody Home Gym, I sit in the car, I recline the seat, I pretend that I am not dying, my belly is burning where the staples are
6th stop: HEB Grocery is totally aborted, I am cranky, irritable and have heard the 4 year old tell me 'RIGHT MOMMA' so many times, I just want to stop and get some duct tape for his mouth. I am now starving

I am now home, resting, got some broth, the boys are somewhere else and I am starting too feel a little normal again.
I did search all over the house to find my backpack from May 9th, has my auxilary hard drive and holy cow, an order from that day. now I know I am loosing my mind.

yep, I pushed too hard today. I am going to get a good night sleep tonigh, and start back to work tomorrow, very slowly. just going to offer 5 sessions for the month of June.

rev up your engine with a little GAS

augh... they pumped a buttload of gas in my esophogus, my stomache pouch, my stomache, my upper intestines, gracious, where ever they could find to pump it. I had something blue dribbling out of my mouth for the 'seap test', great. thanks a lot. nearly as embarrassing as the something white for the 'barium test' these people are wicked.

so now, burp and fart, pick an exit and get it out. I still feel a little bloaty here and there, I think that it is overflow on the sensitive pouch, I am not sure, so far it is all liquids, so I thought that would just trickle on down stream or something. guess I am not 'sipping' slowly enough. whatever.

weaning myself off the elixir of love (tylenol 3 + codeine) Yummy. was every three hourse yesterday, today every 6 is doing the job. the staples are starting to get irritated, fortunately they only have 4 more days before they come out. feel like someone got a hold of a bosch staple gun from home depot and went freaking nuts on my belly!! 3 incisions with 5 staples each, and two with 3 staples each, that is a grand total of 21 flipping staples. HELLO? what ever happened to disolving stitches? what-ever!

so since cold water irritates the crap out of me right now, I switched to warm herbal tea without any sweetner, and got down two mega cups today. along with about a pint of broth, I am still hydrated, but not nearly enough. I am already getting anxious bout 'food food', wednesday is a loooonnnngg way away. I could do with some chewing. today I did do some chewing, and the spit it out, didnt need a repeat of the feeling friday with two bites of fish, that was not pleasant!

so when some guys asks if I spit or swallow, it is spit for now. HAHAHAHA

moving to lose?

I am home, and with a little help from liquid Tylenol with codeine, doing okay. yesterday was pretty bad, felt downright wretched. today I think is the turning point, feel like getting on the computer, first time since Wednesday, so you know I had to be pretty bad off to not even turn it on for two days. I am told as long as I keep moving around that I will get better, so that is what I am doing.

well today I rode my bicycle to the end of the block and back, when I could not find Magnus, I sent erik to get him, and erik ended up staying with him at a kid's house.

I got a shower, had a 1/4 cup of broth and now smell and feel better. ;) my spirits are pretty good. I guess the doctor was right, the sooner the mom is HOME the sooner she will get up and move and take care of the house and family. I picked up all the dirty laundry on the top floor and put it in the laundry room, and I cleaned the tv room where I am camping on the comfiest bed in the house, so I consider my 'house hold chores done' for the day.

KAtkins menu:

breakfast: vegetable broth
lunch: chicken broth
dinner: chicken broth

water, water, water