I walked 4 miles, I drank 40 oz, I ate 3 oz of meat
so tiny steps in one direction.
The tough part is that I think that I am starting to get some depression coming on. I am having trouble with B12 and protein. My husband says that it takes years to have B12 deficiency. It could all be in my head, but a shot of zipfizz or a protein shake does seem to help with the exhaustion and fatigue.
I am walking 6 - 8 miles and getting too tired and too dehydrated, I seem to spend all night re-hydrating. I have my second post op check up in a week and I am not near that target. Normally I would not be so hard, but, the 'doctor said' that if I am not losing 4 lbs a week he will know that I am not following the plan.
Not to mention, how difficult can it be to lose 4 lbs a week. Gracious me. It should be as easy as falling off a ladder when your only eating 3 oz a day. So many reports say that it takes 1700 calories to EXIST, I am only consuming 225 calories, the body should be forcing the the rest to evaporate just by shear force. I increased the exercise to change the metabolism, and it does the exact opposite. My metabolism slows down even further.
I have heard all the 'body adjusting' discussions, it is still very frustrating that to me. I am going back to work in a week and I am extremely nervous about that. It has been three months since I worked, and when you are a photographer, you have to be in a creative mood or it shows in your work. Not to mention, I do not know IF I will even have any any clients to work with this fall. One peep in 90 days is not very encouraging.
it does help to put the thoughts and words down, I was typing in my blog today, IM'ing my dh last night, and typing back and for there and on the GB board seems to at least put it all in perspective.
some of it is physical, eating 225 calories a day (1/2 of dense protein), drinking 40+ oz of liquid a day is a challenge at best.
adding in my autistic daughter, my hyper son, living in a motel room for 6 weeks changes a challenge into a struggle.
my parents came to visit (staying in the same room with me) and I do love them. I really really do. but they are 'old school' and my son is 'new age' and does not have enough respect, does not have enough manners, does not have enough yada yada yada so there is hourly bickering. (he is 6, nearly 7- they are 60+ nearly 100) yada yada. they want to walk 10 miles a day, and I totally agree, I need to walk. and having someone around that DOES want to walk with me is a BLESSING, I do not have anyone else of my acquaintance that will walk with me. they are really good about walking slowly, and taking breaks for my benefit. I just feel like a lazy slug, and my mind goes from struggle to mind numbing bone weary exhaustion.
my tummy is still only 1 oz in size, and is filled in a heartbeat, there is no way to get in extra calories, most foods just heave right back up. I have spent 9 weeks learning what I can and can not tolerate, most of which has been over the porcelain bowl. there is nothing wrong with me. all the foods that my doctor said that I could tolerate, I can, but the ones that he said I can not, guess what? he was right. I can not. so it is not like I do not have good advice, I am just stubborn and have to do everything the hard way.
part of the despondency's is the knowledge that what he said was right and that there are no loopholes. I hate that. I am all about loopholes. and there are no loopholes. I also was betting on having an 8 oz tummy by Christmas. well, newsflash, another patient of the same doctor that is 1+ years out gave me some startling news. 4oz by Christmas, not 8, that was a big shock and a real bummer.
back to the photography point of my stress. I keep asking myself, WHAT AM I GONNA DO? I do not know if the depression is clouding my photography drive, or if the lack of work is clouding my depression? or if it is like a couple of toddlers fighting over a single toy. I still catch a toddlers eye and get the giggles from them, play peek a boo and love the interaction, so I know I still love the squishy little creatures. I am just worried that come august/September/October I will not be 'working' and that will hurt my feelings.
and after all, it is all about me, right? heehee
