Raving Lunatic

The end of Compaq (2000-2002) was so crazy, they would lay of entire departments, just whoosh. Then they would selectively lay off whole groups, the slowly it dwindled down to individuals, sniper fire is what we would call it.

Then HP came in and it started over, two years of entire departments, then entire groups, and then sniper fire. My husband has survived 5 years of hell. He has heard through the grapevine that there is maybe another 8 - 10 months and then his group will be 'up', I would dearly love a hefty severance package about the time that we are ready to depart this warfare type employment. It is just too stressful, wondering if your next, wondering if someone that you are counting on in a project is next. Leaving you high and dry. How can anyone be productive in this?

I 'am home' and I have no desire to volunteer in the classroom. I am finding my own life just so chaotic that I can not 'deal' with one more thing. I was going to sign Erik up for chess club, boy scouts, and swimming but right now I am doing good to get him to the bus each day, okay his dad does that, but I remember to pick him up. ;-)

Part of it is the surgery, my new 'selfish' self-centered lifestyle, worrying about everything I eat, and part of it is the wedding, and everything. Part of it is the financial crunch, and part of it is the getting the house repaired. Part of it is worrying about finding a new place to live, a new place to work, and new friends. And part of it is that I am a screaming raving lunatic!

Breakfast: 1/5 protein bar
Snack: 16 oz zipfizz
Lunch: 1 oz sirloin steak
Snack:16 sf tea
Dinner: 1 oz salmon salad
Snack: 16 tea

The Goodbye Letter

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, and trembling hands, he opened the letter and read:

"Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we would be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana does not really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry, Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, your son, John.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you! Call when it's safe for me to come home."

oh husband, dear husband

for someone to be thin and healthy, have a high metabolism rate:
it must be so hard to live with someone that is fluffy and have a very very low metabolism rate.

my husband has looked like this his whole life. (course he listens to bands like: Wig Wam (gracious!)

but bless his heart, he loved me when I was a little fluffy, a lot fluffy, a little less fluffy, a little more fluffy, a little less fluffy, and a lot more fluffy, and now I am 30 lbs less than when we met. I am warning him that shortly, I will be stealing his clothes. ;)

;-) my surgeon told me specifically do not count calories. do not count calories. just count oz. eat .5 oz of lean meats with each meal and .5 oz of leafy green vegetables with each meal. do not drink 30 minutes before or 30 minutes after but do drink 82 oz a day.

My Doctor said:
LEAN MEATS and LEAFY GREEN VEGETABLES

and you (me) will lose 4 lbs a week the first 3 months and then 2.5 lbs a week the next three months and then you can eat whatever you like and you will stay the same.

he does not like the protein suppliments so he really would prefer that I not consume them, says that they are too calorie dense.

so it is not a whim that am I on this program. I have seen that his success rate is 99% and he has done 1500+ surgeries in the last 5 years. he seems to have perfected this process down to an idiot proof science. and I really needed idiot proof.

he did make was is called a mini pouch and there are some of his patients that are 2 years out and still only have a 4 oz pouch.

always remember that YMMV (your mileage may vary) and that no two people are the same. my husband eats 2500-3500 calories a day and he loses a pound a week if he is not careful.
I tried to eat what he ate (vegetarian) with breads and rice as the base and I ballooned from 235 to 275 so that was not good for me. but it is FANTASTIC for him.

some people are much healthier on a high caloric intake, I am not. my body really only needs 200 calories a day and it is happy, it has not been for a week or 10 days like this, it has been for 3 full months. just chugging along.

Cocktail Dress.. at my age?

I have got to find a semiformal cocktail dress for my daughters wedding in 5 months. I have been searching online and in stores and finding that there are so many CHOICES now that I am a REASONABLE size. I do not know what size I will be, but now I am not limited to 'size' but to style and taste and color.

this has not been the case for so many years, it is just as strange as if I were to suddenly empty my bank account and open my car window driving down the freeway and just let all the bills flutter out of my hand.

I find myself in very unfamiliar territory. I am having trouble even remembering what neckline I prefer. banded sweetheart or something. my daughter has specified that I absolutely can not wear black, I guess I have been wearing black for so long now that it has transcended trademark and gotten downright mournful and depressing. ;)

so that is also a challenge, the little black dress is not an option. I have to find something but I can not rush, since I do not know what size I will be and I swear, I will end up waiting until after christmas sales and Pray for good luck.

of all the things that I would be worried about, this was not one I planned for.


the colors of the wedding are red, black and white. so she would be thrilled if I wore red. I look good in jewel tones, but I prefer sapphire or wine than ruby or emerald.

saks
heehee she would kill me, but hey, I worked hard for this body! Just today I was feeling frustrated that I have had to 'give up' so many things over the last 6 months, but when I think about all the possibilities of shopping in 3 more months, it is an almost heady experience

I have to confess I have never spent more than $50 on a single outfit (not piece, OUTFIT) in my life. I just know that I am going to get cold sweats when I do this.

I nearly died when I paid $120 for one of my daughter's homecoming gowns.

my number one biggest issue will be that even after loosing all this weight (80+lbs so far) is that I am still a 40DD. THAT part has always been impossible to shop for.

OMG

I could probably get into their homecoming gowns now. HEEHEE

awe nuts. I called my daughter. she said she would let me borrow, but I can not keep her gown. well duh. she was pretty crabby with me and I asked what the problem was. she said that

IT IS NOT FAIR that you can get into them but I can not.

I said THAT was not fair. she has a choice. each day. a choice. I made a choice. each day I make it. no one puts the food in her mouth. no one put the food in my mouth. I got MO all by myself. yes I had a lot of outside stressors but I learned that ultimately I choose how to deal with those stressors.

she chooses as well. she was still pretty pouty, but I am not going to be fat to make her feel comfortable. I also do not see the need to buy another $130 dress when I bought her 5 and her sister 4 in the four years that they were in high school and they fit me now. that is just impractical. I sure do not begrudge my other other daughter borrowing my fluffy clothes now that she is 5 months pregnant, it is just practical.

should I get all missish because my daughter is wearing my regular clothes as maternity clothes? was I fat. DUH. I got over it. dd#1 can get over it. I should be missish at her for taking so long to be born, the doctor said I would go 6 weeks early with twins, I went full term and had to be induce, I skyrocketed from 150 to 211 with her and her fluffy prego sister.

can I blame her for being fluffy? nah. but it would be nice. ;)

I just went to the closet. my closet. I got MY prom gown out, (yes, I still have it) and I tried it on

Oh My Freaking Fourth of July!

now I can not get it zipped up, that would be enough to cause hospitalization from a massive stroke, but I got it ON, and I got my armies in the sleevies and my boobies in the busties...

I love the color (cranberry) and while the sleeves (poofs) are so 25 years ago... I thought about tailoring the sleeves. I really need to find a good seemstress between now and then. ;-) I am freaking thinking why the hell not?

it is VINTAGE and it will fit in January! I will be so so so to die for wearing my prom gown!

Party Food Choices

typical day with a party thrown-in to shake things up:

FOOD:
PreBreakfast: 10 oz tea
Breakfast: 1 oz string cheese (6g protein)
Snack:16 oz crystal light peach tea

Lunch: 3 sticks celery, 1 oz turkey(8g protein), 4 pretzels, 1 sip fruit punch
Snack: 1/2 marshmellow dipped on chocolate (fountain), 1 piece of cake sans frosting
Snack 2: 2 sticks of celery, 1 cupcake sans frosting, 3 pretzels, 1 bavarian creme filled puff, 10 oz isopure (20g protein: Grape)

Dinner: 1 oz salmon, 1 slice squash(8 g protein)

WORK
SANTA called, I really need to book for this fall, motivation is what I need. location was revealed to me at the party yesterday, I am so very jazzed about this.

Harris County Mud No 24 Administration Building
17035 Deer Creek Dr
Spring, TX 77379
I think that I could have a fantastic Saturday Limited Edition Session once a month with a 'central location with great parking' I feel the juices flowing. ;)

today we are going out to Bennigans, test two of eating out with friends and see how I 'fair', I found out that I can consume much more food when visiting that I probably should. so I have already looked at the menu and am 'prepared' with my choices ahead of time without pressure and stress. good plan. soup and salad and side of steamed broccoli.

EXERSIZE:
Active Sitting
Take a seat on a stability ball when you eat, watch TV or work at your desk. This type of “active sitting” engages more muscles—especially those in your core—than when you’re slumped in a chair and resting.

Work Out a Stability Ball
Almost any exercise that you sit down to perform can also be done on a stability ball. The slightly unstable surface causes your muscles to fire differently and works them from new angles. Your core muscles benefit, too. Plus, it’s more fun than a regular bench.

my own obit

Katherine Marie Hubbard Amundsen, Missoula, went kicking and screaming to be with our lord and raise some hell in heaven, specified that she be buried with a crowbar and a slim-jim just in case the pearly gates were locked once she got there. By her request a serious party to celebrate her life rather than mourn her death will start after the service and shall continue until the keg runs dry, or there is not one left sober to drive home. She asked to be remembered that the beauty of my body is not measured by the size of the clothes it can fit into, but by the stories that it tells. I have a belly and hips that say, "We grew a child in here," and breasts that say, "We nourished life." My hands, with bitten nails and a writer's callus, say, "We create amazing things." as she passed she remarked life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a lovely and well-preserved body, but rather a skid to broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "WOW! What a ride!".

Would I do it again?

second verse, same as the first.

my name is Katherine and I have had every ache and pain that you have.

I have not been able to get comfortable on the bed and I couldnt sleep, I blamed the bed instead of my nearly 300 lb body.

I couldnt get comfortable driving the car, sitting on the couch, or in my office chair. I blamed my shoes, I blamed my jeans, and my genes.

there are two things that I can tell you with certainty. if you have decided for yourself that ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, you will succeed. no one can convince you, no one can make a believer out of you, no one can enable you, validate you, or hold your hand. seriously, this is the greatest adventure of my life and I am for all intents and purposes doing it alone.

do I have support? oh gracious yes, do I have cheerleaders? tons, but ultimately, it is me and me alone that makes each food choice each meal each day. Ultimately it is me that makes the choice to move to loose or to lay down and watch more tv, type more on the computer, or take a nap.

WLS is a tool, not a majic wand. it will help or hurt you depending on your attitude.

today I am 3 months out. I do not have a friend in the refridgerator that i can go visit on an hourly basis, not even to wave hello. I gave up the 'inventory' weeks ago. it is a waste of time, like weighing on the scale 4 or 5 times a day, waste of time. like eating the wrong items and dumping, it is a waste of time.

I was on predisone, celebrex, vioxx, and enbrel for all the pain 5 months ago. I was crawling down the stairs each morning, limping through my day, so exhausted after hauling one basket of laundry upstairs that I enlisted my husband to do it for me. I was helpless and hopeless before the surgery.

I was never worthless, but I was helpless and hopeless.

I changed my mind 1 time per hour ever hour from March 5th until May 21st, that is 2136 times to reroute my plumbing or leave nature alone.

I thought about my family and what that money could do for them. (I have been sacrificing my health for 21 years, it is a difficult habit to put one's health and wellbeing first (I continue to struggle with it) but ultimately I made a choice.

I thought about loosing my crutch. today I was relating to my customer and my husband that I MISS fixing myself a plate for a meal. it just is such a bother to only make a 1 oz meal. it is gone before you taste it, it is over before it begins, and it was an irregular love affair, but there were times that I LOVEd the taste of food. the feeling of polishing off a really good tasting plate. now I am stuffed on 1/8th of a saucer. it is annoying.

going out to dinner is a joke, it is a waste of gas, and money. I only eat enough to keep a small colony of ants alive. I am done in a matter of minutes and bore the rest of the time. blech.

the upside, I am a cheap date: we walk though costco tasting tables and after 4 tables I am STUFFED, I have had a four course buffet.
I cook up a prime rib steak and I can eat off of it for 3 days. ;) my food allowance per day runs about $1.43 per day. not per course, not per meal, per day.

but I am not taking those medications anymore, I am not in as much pain anymore, there is still some residual because of dehydration. it is my own fault, I just do not concentrate enough on drinking my fluids and with dehydration, there is pain. that is a fact of life. even before surgery, if I was not hydrated, I was in pain. it is the number one reason people are in pain, dehydration.

do I feel noramal. oh gracious, better than normal. *SIGH* so much better than normal, and I am still heavy, but I am feeling better than normal, my lungs are not sore, my joints are not sore, I am not leaning on a grocery cart so hard that my shoulders hurt, just to get the cart to support my weight. I am able to bypass the carts and just carry a basket.

but ultimately, you will work through your 'food' attatchment, first you will defy anyone to take it from you, then you will begrudgingly give it up, go back, make a bad choice, reap a consequence, get reverant, and so on until you get past the defiance and just accept that this is the way it is, and find something else to do to occupy your time.

I started a photography business, I am too busy to learning about marketing, accounting, and aperatures to worry about missing Cre'me Bru'le'e and Cheesecake. you just let it go and get on with your life.

energy: I walked 8 miles with my parents, up and down hills, in 100' degree heat, had a blast. three weeks before I couldnt to 3 miles without thinking that my heart was going to explode in my chest. each day you get better, each week you get stronger, each month you get healthier. it is not over night, it is not without sacrifice, it is not without lifelong rewards. the benefits will go beyond your wildest dreams.

next summer, I am going rock climbing in the Selway-Bitteroot Wilderness in Montana. the last time I did that was 1986! not 1996, not 2006, but 1986. I am not going to let food take my life away.

there are so many supportive people here to cheer for you, but you take the steps yourself and you will feel the power of success when you achieve the goals. You have to do it yourself FOR yourself.

HELL YES!

bigger and better problems

I am dealing with a lot of stress.

I look down at my hands and I see the blood vessels and the ligaments and tendons and think, WTH? heehee I use to have such pudgy hands that my knuckles were just little divets. I am still not getting the fluids down, I do not know what the issue is, but I know that it is a problem.

I am worried, tomorrow is my appt with my Dr and I am not at his target, he said I should be at 193 tomorrow not 199. he told me that if I deviated from his plan (125 - 225 calories a day) he would KNOW it, I do not know how crabby he will get with me. I have been moody (PMS'ing) all day which does not help, but he does intimidate the dickens out of me.

we have so many 'issues' going on here at home. my husband wants to sell the house and move to Missoula Montana. taking a $20-40K cut in pay, and wants me to make up the difference with my career. and live in a house that is 1/2 the size we have now with twice the payment. that means that I have a few months and even few dollars to get it 'repaired' as in: replace the bathtub, bathroom floors in two bathrooms, scrap the popcorn off the ceiling downstairs, retexture it, paint it, rip up all the carpet on the second floor, put down new carpet, and a list that is about 4 typed pages. and he wants me to sell off anything that is duplicated like one of the two tv's and the extra couch, and blah blah blah, oh I could use a chocolate ecclair or two.

our house insurance company was declared bankrupt yesterday, so we were to get insurance with a different carrier, I didnt get it done in time, I called, but it was late afternoon (thought I had until tomorrow) and well long story short, it doesnt look like it was taken care of, so instead of $1500 a year, the bank is forcing us into $2500 a year. my husband said live and learn but I am kicking myself for not taking care of this (I have known since August 11th and it is August 23...

I would normally solve my anxiety with a double slice of cheese cake but that doesnt even sound good to me. gracious, what do you do when you do not want to eat? all I can think of the kill the time is surf the net and have sex. my husband votes for the second but not the first. but he is busy on his own computer so here I am.

asking for prayers and hugs. I am so emotional these days, you would THINK I was pg instead of my daughter being pg and planning a wedding in 5 months. now was a hellofa time to give up eating.

update after 3 month check up:
wow...

my three month appointment was a week early, but I did it. now I have three more months to loose 47 lbs and I will be sitting pretty.

PROTIEN
after a big huge discussion, he swears up and down from my blood work I am getting too much protien. so obviously for my body, 2-3 oz of pure meat a day is plenty. who would have thunk?

VEGETABLES
not enough, or I would not have toilet issues. increase those bad boys.

WATER
I have been ordered to DOUBLE my intake. yeah, I am looking forward to doing THAT. rather clean the toddler boys toilets.

EXERSIZE
I explained that I am only getting 125 calories a day I do not have enough energy to exersize like before. he said hogwash and poppycock. I have 45 lbs of extra fat, that is 20,000 calories of extra fuel, so I could run on 2000 calories a day for the next 90 days and burn it off without eating another bite. the protein that I am eating is just replenishing my muscle structure.

WARM FUZZIES
he has none, I knew this going in, he is not an enabler, he is not there to validate my needs, he is just a tool. fine. back in 3 months and tthhhbbbb~~~~ I will be skinny, so THERE! heehee. what a twirp!

issues.. it is always issues.

if you can't tell your best girlfriends, who can you tell?

my husband is a blessing. I do not really want to 'vent' he is fantastic.

he is supportive, emotionally, business, and financially as well as everything else a spouse wouldashouldacoulda do. (he does laundry/dishes/cooking/baking/trash) bed time with boys. all of it. he makes a great wife. and he brings in a grrrrreat paycheck.

so you asking why am I whining?

he is bored. he is unhappy at work. he is miserable. fine. change jobs, I am supportive.

the last time he wanted to relocate, it was to Portland. OUCH. would would make 1/2 as much and the cost of living would be twice as much.

then it was Spokane, OUCH. would would make 1/2 as much and the cost of living would be twice as much.

then it was Boise, OUCH. would would make 1/2 as much and the cost of living would be twice as much.

then two weeks ago it was Bergen Norway, OUCH. would would make 1/2 as much and the cost of living would be four times as much.

this week it is Missoula, Montana. OUCH. would would make 1/2 as much and the cost of living would be twice as much. BUT

you heard the BUTT

my heart is dying. it is my home town. and they have done some really really great things for the town, the parks and recs have just going ballistic on making it kid friendly. some of my favorite haunts are getting a major face lift. even downtown is really going to town on community involvement.

I told him, that we can not keep jerking my chain about moving, and then not move. I go through all the hassle of finding a realtor, look at properties, investigate the chamber of commerce, and then I get dissappointed.

I told him that he was going to have do the details, I can't do it anymore. but now this, I can't help but get excited. what am I going to do for a business. I know all the 'big wheels' with cameras in town. intimidation to say the least, this is not a town of 4.1 million with plenty of customers to go around, this is 65K that is it. once you mess up, your busted. WOM can kill in a week.

but of course what do we argue about? that I am not going to live in an aparment in a college town. and he is not going to buy a house with a lawn to mow. I know that I am already an emotional basket case with everything else going on. but he has found a really nice business there that he would like to work with. and I think that they would be a good fit as well.

I told him that I can not handle more emotional roller coasters and he RROMISES that he wants to move there as well. June 2007.

:-) Montana is beautiful, (I went to gradeschool, middle school, high school and college in the same town. missoula.) I just do not like that he keeps changing his mind after I do all the research. I feel like I have incomplete projects that are never finished. just scrapped.

I swear, I had to go to walmart and buy more purses.

what I was REAALLY worried about.

when my husband and I first got together, we took a trip to my home in alabama at the time and he was pretty negative as we drove across mississippi and alabama. he has been beyond negative about texas and idaho. and I really do not mind too much, but I would be crushed and devastated if he were to get to montana and degrade it the way he has everything else in the last 10 years.

it is just too close to my heart. it is my 'HOME' and it is sacred to me.

last night we were 'talking' and I explained to him all the possible things about it that were bad. bad water quality. bad air quality. bad housing quality. finally he was like, if you do not want to move there, we can go to bergen. and I finally said it. voiced my real fears. that I just couldnt handle if he spoke with such hatred of my home town the way he has spoke of every other place we have been to in the US.

we talked some more and I do not have the same sense of dread and doom that I did. what really 'feels' like whining is just working through fears and issues. thanks for listening.

I had my LAP RNY on May 31st, since surgery, I have lost 48 lbs, for a total of 75.5 lbs since my first doctor visit in March.

I am not struggling with hunger yet, as a matter of fact, right now, the idea of food just makes gag. I forced down breakfast and lunch (all protien) and I am dreading dinner. very effective tool. food is not a torture device instead of an emotional consolation.

rotten sob doctor anyhow. breaks my crutch so now I have to DEAL with my feelings. blech. I want a refund. ;) LOL

You Are 64% Evil

You are very evil. And you're too evil to care. Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.

How Evil Are You?

Mistaking Head Hunger for Tummy Hunger

today is the day! I broke 200 lbs. am I excited, I was more excited yesterday than today, but today is a good day as well.

I move daily, but not all of it is 'excersize' sometimes it is just running errands for the household. I have a pedometer that I strap to my ankle and I move 1.5 miles a day minimum.

yesterday I rode my bike 1.8 miles to HEB, walked around the store and got $25 worth of groceries, and then pedaled 1.8 miles home.

the day before I didnt do anything deliberate, but saturday, I pedaled 4 miles on my stationary bike in the TV room. so it varies from day to day, but yes, every day I move to lose.

as for my changes. when I started this process in March I was 275. when I had surgery, I had lost 10% or 27 lbs and was 247.5. that was May 31. since then I have maintained 1.0 oz of food per meal, three meals a day. when I get head hungry, I drink a 16 oz propel. If I am still hungry 30 minutes later, I eat, otherwise, I go on with my day. rarely do I wait until
I am hungry to eat, I generally go by the clock, and it if has been greater than 6 hours since my last meal, I eat regardless. I eat until I am full and then even if the plate is not empty, I rinse my plate in the sink and walk away.

I think that if you kick start and rededicate your goals, you can make November. I have 49.5 lbs to go and my goal is November 23rd. just 4 lbs a week. if
I can do it (carbaholic) you can do it.

you know. 'hungry' is just that 'hungry' it is okay to be 'hungry' and not eat. the trouble is sitting at a job that is so mind numbing that you are BORED and
then you are BORED hungry. and that could be what is killing you. your are not 'hungry' your BORED. and BORED sucks. ;)

breakfast: 1 oz organic sirloin steak
lunch:
dinner:

GET THE FLUIDS IN!~

I love the body I am in

I had a moment this week that may be relevant.

I was talking to my grandmother. announceing my daughters engagement.

my grandmother asked how my 'doctor supervised' diet was coming along. I said fine, I have lost 72 lbs.

she says: oh you must be so beautiful now.

I said, grandma, I was beautiful before. I was a christian. I did community service. I raised 5 children and taught them right from wrong. I pay my taxes. none of that has changed.

what I didnt say is that people that percieve beauty and value in the outside packaging totally miss the point of people that are beautiful on the inside.

she has never watched what she ate and is 97 lbs sopping wet, she is very lucky, and she thinks that it is all about will power and it really isnt. I am eating 225 calories a day for the last 14 days and the scale has not moved. that is just the way it is. it is not about will power. but I know WHO I am and I know WHAT I am. those core fundamental things will never change. I may have to have a radical surgery to change my body into a healthier size and shape, a more eye pleasing size and shape, but ultimately, we take with us whom ever we are no matter where we go, so all the baggage is always going to be there through THICK or THIN. and that could be why some revert back to over eating after surgery and gain back, is that they keep that baggage with them like an inheritance, holding on to it for a rainy day.

a day when they hear the words that hurt their feelings and then say, hey, poor me, I think I will get some comfort food after all, I am worthless anyways, everyone has always said so all my life.

YOU have to believe in YOU or YOU will never change.

BE AWARE!!!!

I don't how many of you shop at Sam's Club or Costco, but this may be useful to know. I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

This happened to me and it could happen to you!! Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 23-year-old well-built guys come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both are shirtless and start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex. With their highly-defined chest muscles and rock-hard abs exposed, it's impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Sam's Club or Costco.

You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start talking dirty about what they want to do to you.
Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and begins kissing your neck and begs you to pull over so he can make love to you!! While this is going on the other guy steals your purse!! I had my purse stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday and most likely tomorrow.

I'm running out of purses...

Changes...

March 2006-----------------------------------------June 2006

September 2006-----------------------------------December 2006

virtual model

Chart of progress:

graph

aversion therapy

I have had minimal hair loss, enough to plug the tub from each shower, but no one looking at my photos can tell, and I can not tell from looking at my head, so that is a non-issue.
I rarely throwup now that I know what is okay to eat and what is not. the first two months was difficult, but when you throw up, it is a 1/4 of a cup and that is it. so that is not really a lot. today was the first time in AGES that I had an episode, I sucked down too much ice tea too fast, the cold constricted my tummy ( it was nearly pure ice) and so I took in more than could safely trickle down stream in such a small period of time. I ended up pulling over on old louetta, heaved, go back in the car and was perfectly fine the rest of the day. I would even go as far as saying that it is a lot like aversion therapy. if you eat too much, or eat something that will have a negative impact overall, your body will create and aversion to it through making you nauseated or flat out puke, may take once or twice before you learn, HELLO, if you do not want to do THAT again, do not put it in your mouth. and then your bodily happily moves on. even the basic temptation to suck down a 32 oz ice tea in 1 hour is not a good thing, so today my body said, NO. usually I drink 10 oz of hot tea in an hour and my body can handle that. but over all the basic 'chug' or 'guzzle' is not healthy and now I can no longer do it.

Sverre was in Amsterdamn sunday and said that security was running along pretty swimmingly, and he didnt pack any liquids to clog the system. he is just glad to be 'home' but not necessarily to be back in the states. he loved munich and would move in a heartbeat if he was offered a job.

Magnus has 1.5 hours of kindergarten today and is adjusting. tomorrow is the big day, both will ride the bus and start school. I have been frazzled getting all my shopping done yesterday and today. I will head downtown tomorrow for some last bit of supplies. then start working harder on my photography business.

1X's

today, I put on a pair of Tommy Hilfiger jeans, they were 4 inches too small in the waist when I had my first interview with the surgeon (I had a 42" waist)

the day of surgery, they were 2 inches to small, I was a 40 inch waist.

today I put them on and they were 38" and I buttoned and zipped them up and could wigged out of them and pull them off without unbuttoning them. I did it two more times for each of my family. freaked me out. my husband has a 34" jean, and I am going to assume with the 38's so big, I can squeeze into a 36, about 6 more weeks and I can wear his jeans. THAT rocks!

decided to just do the deed and clean out the closet. Threw out the 3X's, then threw out the 2X's and now I just have 1X's and that leaves very little to choose from. I have been adding in two shirts each month, and a skirt here, pants there. so I have two of each to get me by as I go down the bunny slope. two dresses, two skirts, two jackets, two shirts, two tshirts, two blouses two slacks, two jeans and two sweaters.

I do not dare go overboard now since I really have more months to get to my goal and you know that with 12 lbs a month, that will be a big change.

My story and I am sticking to it

my story is mostly amusing.

when I met my husband, he was a 6ft4in 175 bean pole, I was 5ft7in 225 cottonball but while he agreed most of the women in his country (Norway) were rail thin like him, he would like to be with me.

ten years + 2 big boys later, I was 275 and he dropped to 169. (yes ladies, he eats 3500 calories a day and is just pure evil). his cooworker died in 2001 two weeks post WLS. so he had some serious trepidation about the surgery.

however, I pursued it and finally he agreed that it would be a win/win situation.

here is his theory. I have the surgery, He gets a skinny wife, HE WINS.
I have the surgery, I die, he has 1/2 million life insurance policy on me, HE WINS.

there were days that I thought he was a turd for this theory, but there were days that I agreed. LOL. so I took him with me to the consultation with the surgeon. but the rest of the appointments I went to alone.

he did not even go to the hospital with me, my daughter was my buddy. she even spent the night with me in the hospital while he stayed home with our two little boys. I scheduled all the daycare for the boys for the day of surgery, the day after, and the first day I would be home from the hospital. he did come see me on his lunch hour the day of surgery, and picked me up on his lunch hour the day after to take me home. but he did not miss any work due to my surgery.

so while it sounds like he was callus and rude and totally not supportive, in actuality this is my body. I got here by myself. no one forced me to eat all those cheese cakes, no one forced me to sit at a computer 18 hours a day. I did it all by myself.

He has found a way that works for him. he rides his bicycle every day, 14 miles to work and back, 60 miles on saturdays to keep his metabolism up. 'IF ONLY I WOULD DO WHAT HE DOES, I WOULD BE FINE" if only I would eat like him (vegetarian) I would be fine, if only I would blah blah blah.

at some point he recognized that I am not him, that I do not metabolism like him, and that being hungry, is just the way I was. literally, I would be so rushed in the morning, that I would not sit down to eat breakfast, by the time we were in the car and to the third red light, I WAS HUNGRY. and wanted to swing through ANY FAST FOOD to get some food. he totally could not understand why I did not just stop and eat at home. with a family of 5 kids, I never took a moment for me at home.

so he was supportive in his way, he paid the medical bills and I never had to worry about the finances. he has been much more supportive this summer about finances than any time in the past. and while he does not verbalize all the wow's for me post surgery, he does defend me when guests come over and in the conversation, they just can not believe that I would do something so drastic that I will be forever changed, FOREVER and he says, well, you should see her weight loss graph, she is very happy with her choice.

ultimately YOU have to do this FOR YOU and not FOR him and not for the CHICK down the street. it is going to be ALL about YOU. also, you may find that this will change your marriage because the first 3 months after (at least) you will be putting YOU first, your EATING will take precidence, your exersize will be YOUR first priority and you will not BE there for HIM as much. For probably the first time in 11 years, he will find out that it is not all about HIM. that is probably pretty scary.

;-) I keep telling myself, hang in there, because, YOU are number ONE and it IS all about YOU! do not appologize for that. do not under rate that.

one of my friends that had the surgery a couple of years ago counseled me this:

I DID THIS FOR ME, NO ONE ELSE CAN DO IT FOR ME

-17.2 lbs in 6 weeks in Motel

I have been thinking about my colon all morning, but simply because I had to make a food choice yesterday to get things moving. the 'interesting' side bar of the surgery, is that you only 'go' once a week but it is 'irritating' when you get backed up.

for me, ice cream used to 'move' things along, but lately, not even that is effective. I resorted to shredded wheat to create some 'fiber', takes 12 hours to make an 'impact', and then the 'fun' begins. ;) my poor intestines got all sad for a couple of hours.

tonight I am working on a gala apple to see if I can not keep things continuously flowing. I swear, I really need to get a life.

I think that I am totally getting dehydrated again. very easy to do when I am out with family and do not have a bottle in my hand. also water by itself just rips my tummy and so I have been drinking propel, easy on the tummy, but I am getting sick of the taste.

protein shakes. blech, they are just too sweet. my dh cuts them with kefir and that really helps he says, so I will try that when I get home tomorrow. woke up with about 40 strands of hair on the pillow, so it would seem that I am approaching the 3 month anniversary and am going to lose more hair.

walking, that is above average, so I am not going to stress on that for awhile. I really need to focus on increasing my intake of food and fluids. yesterday was okay, I had a sausage patty for breakfast, popcorn in the afternoon, and shredded wheat for dinner. so 8 oz of protien for the day is totally not good. I just couldnt face the salmon in the fridge, blech, so sick of salmon. cup of sf hot chocolate for bedtime snack (last 10 oz of the day)

I am excited that the scales are moving, 6 lbs this week, but like I said, my colon is just irritated and upset. am packing and flying tomorrow. will feel better when I get home and in my own environment, it has been a long 6 weeks in the motel room.

hell, I am gonna give my self a pat on the back, living in a motel room on fastfood, no bicycle, and I was able to stay focused and lose 17.2 lbs in 6 weeks, I AM VERY PROUD OF ME!

my boys start school on the 16th, the BABY will be in full day K and #4of5 will be in 1st grade. I plan to work full time and be more productive this year, all alone at home all day.

End of a L*O*N*G summer

Week 6 of 6, I am here in Washington on court ordered visitation with my 15 year old autistic daughter, I come up every 120 days and stay 14 - 42 days so that I can visit with her, then back to Houston and my work. I have been doing this (camping and living out of suitcases, driving 23K miles a year to maintain my relationship with her) since 1997 when her biological father reversed the custody. I am sure in the last 10 years, I honed my emotional eating to a fine razor edge here.

It has been some of the most extremely stressful years of my life. His sexual harassment, his bullying, manipulating and power struggles have done as much for my 'current situation' as my growing up with one of the most dysfunctional step-parents this side of a Stephen King novel. (step dad #1 was abusive black rage alcoholic pedophilia). I have already worn out my psychologists calendar working through all those issues. Growing up, I would come to the dinner table, and he would ask where my money was, afterall this was not a free ride. At restaurants, I ordered the cheapest item, a grill cheese sandwich because he said I would have to wash the dishes and if I took too long, he and my mom would leave me there at the diner. I took control of my eating once I was an adult.

It is really difficult to 'read' and hear all the advice that I will lose my hair and lean muscle if I do not get 50 mg of protein a day, so much research all say that 20-24 grams of protein a day is not enough. That my health will suffer from the inadequate supply. That my slow loss is from too little food, that 125 calories are not enough. That my metabolism will slow even more rather than pick up if I do not get enough calories. How do you ignore all the 'advice' from all those that have been there and done that before.

the B12 that I am getting is dissolved in the water, and it could be that the extra 20 oz of water is what is helping as much as the b12 itself.

Jackie (the nurse) called today and rescheduled the visit for the 24th, so hopefully I can drop the difference between what I weigh and the target weight by then. Which of course, when mentioned to my dad (step dad#2) he said that that is the same old thinking that got me into this. Just keep plugging slow and stead and if it takes 2-3x as long, so be it. No crashing. After all it is not as if I can EAT LESS to lose weight, right? heehee

Sore Bum

imagine sliding down a bumpy hill on your bum? OUCH whee OUCH whee OUCH whee OUCH whee

the same thing happens to your emotions and your mind when your weight is sliding down, bump bump bump.

I truly wish I could just take a nap, wake up and it be done and over with. the wow moments occur, I am wearing JEANS this week. it is a freaky feeling, I have not worn JEANS for YEARS. they cut in the waist, they are binding, and do not 'give' when you sit. well these are 'baggy fit' and the waist is 38" and they fit in the waist and have plenty of give in the belly so I am learning how to live in them again. first time since 1990 so I have backtracked 16 years of my life, back to when I was 24. that is an surreal experience.

walked more yesterday.
1.8 miles, 3.12 miles the day before and 4.29 miles the day before that. and the weight is coming off, but the water intake is dwindling, so if I want to keep healthy, I HAVE to keep up with that as well. I did get some supplimental protein in yesterday, not sure if I will today. one hour at a time. made some herbal tea, but erik spilled it on the floor. ;-( sigh.

nearly stayed on task yesterday, chicken for breakfast, salmon & lettuce for lunch, and then dinner was a bit of a deviation. black berries and vanilla ice cream. wow, that was delicious.

Peeps

I walked 4 miles, I drank 40 oz, I ate 3 oz of meat

so tiny steps in one direction.

The tough part is that I think that I am starting to get some depression coming on. I am having trouble with B12 and protein. My husband says that it takes years to have B12 deficiency. It could all be in my head, but a shot of zipfizz or a protein shake does seem to help with the exhaustion and fatigue.

I am walking 6 - 8 miles and getting too tired and too dehydrated, I seem to spend all night re-hydrating. I have my second post op check up in a week and I am not near that target. Normally I would not be so hard, but, the 'doctor said' that if I am not losing 4 lbs a week he will know that I am not following the plan.

Not to mention, how difficult can it be to lose 4 lbs a week. Gracious me. It should be as easy as falling off a ladder when your only eating 3 oz a day. So many reports say that it takes 1700 calories to EXIST, I am only consuming 225 calories, the body should be forcing the the rest to evaporate just by shear force. I increased the exercise to change the metabolism, and it does the exact opposite. My metabolism slows down even further.

I have heard all the 'body adjusting' discussions, it is still very frustrating that to me. I am going back to work in a week and I am extremely nervous about that. It has been three months since I worked, and when you are a photographer, you have to be in a creative mood or it shows in your work. Not to mention, I do not know IF I will even have any any clients to work with this fall. One peep in 90 days is not very encouraging.

it does help to put the thoughts and words down, I was typing in my blog today, IM'ing my dh last night, and typing back and for there and on the GB board seems to at least put it all in perspective.

some of it is physical, eating 225 calories a day (1/2 of dense protein), drinking 40+ oz of liquid a day is a challenge at best.

adding in my autistic daughter, my hyper son, living in a motel room for 6 weeks changes a challenge into a struggle.

my parents came to visit (staying in the same room with me) and I do love them. I really really do. but they are 'old school' and my son is 'new age' and does not have enough respect, does not have enough manners, does not have enough yada yada yada so there is hourly bickering. (he is 6, nearly 7- they are 60+ nearly 100) yada yada. they want to walk 10 miles a day, and I totally agree, I need to walk. and having someone around that DOES want to walk with me is a BLESSING, I do not have anyone else of my acquaintance that will walk with me. they are really good about walking slowly, and taking breaks for my benefit. I just feel like a lazy slug, and my mind goes from struggle to mind numbing bone weary exhaustion.

my tummy is still only 1 oz in size, and is filled in a heartbeat, there is no way to get in extra calories, most foods just heave right back up. I have spent 9 weeks learning what I can and can not tolerate, most of which has been over the porcelain bowl. there is nothing wrong with me. all the foods that my doctor said that I could tolerate, I can, but the ones that he said I can not, guess what? he was right. I can not. so it is not like I do not have good advice, I am just stubborn and have to do everything the hard way.

part of the despondency's is the knowledge that what he said was right and that there are no loopholes. I hate that. I am all about loopholes. and there are no loopholes. I also was betting on having an 8 oz tummy by Christmas. well, newsflash, another patient of the same doctor that is 1+ years out gave me some startling news. 4oz by Christmas, not 8, that was a big shock and a real bummer.

back to the photography point of my stress. I keep asking myself, WHAT AM I GONNA DO? I do not know if the depression is clouding my photography drive, or if the lack of work is clouding my depression? or if it is like a couple of toddlers fighting over a single toy. I still catch a toddlers eye and get the giggles from them, play peek a boo and love the interaction, so I know I still love the squishy little creatures. I am just worried that come august/September/October I will not be 'working' and that will hurt my feelings.

and after all, it is all about me, right? heehee

following in faith

Music Video:JESUS, TAKE THE WHEEL (by Carrie Underwood)

Music Video Code provided by VideoCodeZone.Com

Pump Up the Volume!

WALKING:

Thursday 0.63 miles
Friday 1.43 miles
Saturday 2.64 miles
Sunday 1.10 miles
Monday 2.46 miles (parents here)
Tuesday 8.06 miles (parents here)
Wednesday 6.40 miles (including a monster hill)(parents here)

my tongue has been hanging out and I am sucking down protein shakes just to keep up. today I added in some zipfizz (B12) as well so that I am not draggin butt all over town.