Blip on the Radar

It has been interesting this summer. I am not driving all over the countryside. I am not journaling all my exploits. however, that is the consequences of spending time just getting healthy instead of spending time with each child, trying to make it memoriable.

Magnus is having a great time in Norway. He loves going out on the boat on the North Sea. I have not gotten an update from the trip to Tronheim yet, but I am sure that he is loving it.

Erik is constantly wanting 'entertainment', if not swimming in the pool, skating around the motel, if not at the dollar store, then at McDonalds, if not picking blackberries on the greenbelt, then in the sand along the river. we went to a park and he had a plethora of toys to climb on, but without other children, he was lost. we even walk over to costco for a change of pace just to get out and move. he got a little go cart from Jazz, and that captivates him for a few minutes, but overall, it has to be human interaction or cartoon network.

Naomi seems to dip in and out of reality more and more. I assume that it is the extreme heat that she is not tolerating well. while I do not need the a/c on this summer even in 106'F, I do keep it on for her. she prefers the pool, or eating. she has been doing a lot of that lately. she is now much bigger than I was when I got married the first time. her weight is over 135 lbs and she is still very short in stature, closer to 5 ft even. it is too hot to take her on walks, too hot to do much of anything but swim, but that works, that and playing quietly with the toys that are her old familar friends when she comes to visit.

Krys is coping as best she can with the choices that she has made. her life long partner is her choice. her consequences in living arrangments, are her choice. daily, I remind myself that it is not up to me to help her. it is not up to me to teach her, from now on, she is responsible for her family and she will have to live with all those choices.

Jazz is doing realtively well. she takes 3 steps forward and 1 step back. I really feel for her. she works as much as she can, but she has not perfected her work ethic yet, and they are being patient with her, guiding her down the right path. she really is fortunate in that aspect. her boyfriend is not the most 'affectionate' person, but that is really healthy for them. she is learning that it is not all about her, so I am not getting in the middle of it. she makes choices, she lives with the consequences. all in all, she has grown tremendously in the last 3 years. she is much more polite and respectful and it could have all gone a totally different way at the rate she was going.


after dealing withe the concept that the surgery is considered permanent. what will happen in the future?

I am 8 weeks out and my stomach has not stretchd yet, it is still only 1 oz in size. I had planned to be less careful about what and how much I eat after I get down to my goal weight. I was told that my tummy will stretch so that it can hold more. by christmas it should be able to hold 8 oz, so I could potentially eat 8x what I eat now (1 oz) so that will increase my food intake from 135 calories a day to 1200 calories a day just by shear volume.

then if I include some goodies that I am not eating now, like carboydrates my caloric intake will go up another 500 calories, to 1700 which is the normal recommended intake.

it is so funny, they say that it takes 1700 calories to function a day, that is such a crock. I have been existing on 125 - 200 for two months, and the scale does not move down as fast as you would think, there are periods when I do not lose an ounce for days and weeks. you would think that I would be loosing a pound a day but I dont.

I am waiting to see if that really happens, yesterday
hmm that is all well and good. but let's review. I have a 1 oz pouch.

breakfast: 1 oz turkey
lunch: 1 oz roastbeef
snack: 1 oz asparagus
dinner: 1 oz salmon

now to evaluate what I can gain from that (fitday):

Calories Eaten Today

	grams	cals	%total
Total:		156
Fat:	4	36	26%
Sat:	1	10	7%
Poly:	1	6	4%
Mono:	2	14	10%
Carbs:	11	25	18%
Fiber:	5	0	0%
Protein:	19	78	56%
Alcohol:	0	0	0%

maybe I need to work on that Alcohol goal. heehee

Picture Update

Naomi and I are just leaving the motel room to go have breakfast at McDonalds. Naomi had Pancakes, Erik has buscuits and I had sausage.

Chinese Garden Colon Cleanse

ROTFLMAO

it must be the MSG because while I have been craving Beef and Broccoli for weeks now, I never expected the total complete unadulterated colon cleanse that I got from one 1 oz serving.

now I have been stressing over the scale ever since this began. at first it was weekly weighins, then daily weighin's and then bidaily, and then quad daily, and that has continued. I tried going two weeks without the scale, but ultimately caved and bought a new one. I have replaced my addiction for stuffing stuff in my mouth with weighing myself. my mood swings fluxuate with the scale. I do not recommend it. I constantly tell myself that it is inaccurate, that I should wait until morning before food after pee, but the fact of the matter is that is what happens.

I chart my change, only recording if the scale moves and then keeping a permanent record of weekly measurements. my chart is practically my best friend. it makes me happy. today I updated it again. that being said, confessed, and absolved. no freaking wonder people get bleeding ulcers from this process. gracious me. the doctor told me 4 lbs a week. I missed the target by 1 lb this week and by 3 as it was looking yesterday. this is a lot of stress. this is a hard road to hold. or is it row to hoe? I never can figure that one out! it makes it very difficult to focus on any thing else.

at least I had the soundness of mind to do this during my summer break so that I do not have to focus on other things like work or kids or household chores. although those might be how others get through this, is focusing outside of the body. they may be the healthy ones.

so "downward movement" has made today a 'good day' and I do not want to fret anymore. I will stick to the plan, considering that deviating yesterday with hashbrowns and sausage gravy had negative impact. and we shall see how it goes.

I am just a bad bad kitty kat, (swishing tail, as I scamper off to get into trouble)

stupid is as stupid does

the doctor said: lean meats and leafy green vegetables.

I said: yeah right.

week one:
eggs, with or without yoke does not make a difference, all make me nauseated as hell. with salsa are my favorite breakfast, so that totally sucks.

week two:
I had four sips of lemonade, and puked my guts out. I regretted the lemonade. the very essence of DUMPING

week three:
cauliflower, SUPPOSED to be BENIGN, tremendous gas.. big nono oh nono

week four:
so I ate 1/2 a radish and puked my guts out. I regretted the radish. (side bar, the blood red beat that went down after the radish was oh so lovely coming back up!!)

week five:
cinnamon roll... foamies.. yeast ball in the tummy, puke, nauseated. ;-( bad kitty kat, bad bad kitty kat
cheapo hamburger meat, meatballs. also supposedly benign, not even LEAN means LEAN. this stuff is just toxic waste. mental note avoid at all costs.

week six:
granola is highly overrated, hit the tummy like a ton of bricks.
a soft pretzel, and alternatively puked foam, gagged, and puked my guts out. I regretted the pretzel TREMENDOUSLY.

sample tables at costco are dangerously alluring. first off, three tables and your pouch is STUFFED. secondly. those chips are evil. top with smoked salmon, innocent enough, topped with beans. BAD NEWS. bad bad bad news. what was I freaking thinking?

week seven:
so I ate hashbrowns and sausage gravy, and puked my guts out. I regretted the sausage gravy. there are moments when I just regret the concept of food.

the sad point is that I can not 'call anyone' for sympathy. I was given the idiot proof menu, I choose to break it, I have no one to blame but me. I can sit, look in the mirror and think, YOU is a BOZO!! You are a hard headed stubborn MULE. you just never freaking learn.

however, heehee I have learned that I can have tillamook ice cream, dry corn flakes, a couple of cookies, a little popcorn, some seedless green grapes.

I have no patience

I just want to be at goal already. I can see a change, not just on the scales, but on my body. However, I am alternating between rebellion and compliance. saturday was a 'bad' day, I got sick with every meal, granola was a bad choice for breakfast. soft pretzel was a HORRIBLE choice for lunch (gagged as I puked on the foamies) and projectile vomited on the 'premade' meatballs from Costco (too high fat content + did not chew well enough = blech! so total daily consumption of food -0-.

each day is a challenge. I am 'tired' of the same ol same ol taste, texture, and flavor. the best choices are turkey and roast beef lunch meat, but horrible gas. I am so sick of ketosis garbage mouth. asparagus works best, but so bleeding boring! sprinkled different powdered seasoning but nothing can mask the dull boring drudgery of it.

treated myself to some vanilla cookies (1.8 oz) with a WHOOPING 250 calories. YIKES. they were too sweet and I got heart flutters, so that was not a good choice. since the package had only 8 cookies (1.8 oz) I was able to STOP before I really went into Dumping. I was just dying for something to nibble on while watching a movie. it is all about relearning habits, so far. I think I would be better once I can have 'frozen' smoothies for such occasions.

I have been rather sluggish and tired lately, tried getting out and walking yesterday, had some salmon that was too oily, and some corn chips that were too blech, and some beans. that would have been fine if not for the corn chips, so rethink that plan. you can get totally filled up at the sample tables at costco with a normal size tummy, imagine with just 1 oz? heehee it is a whole new experience. ;) I did sneak back for two samples of the salmon, and should have just let it go.

have been taking naps each afternoon, just so tired. have been so very careful this week, not out in the heat and sun, hydrating, finally hit the mark yesterday. woke up without cotton mouth = clear urine = hydrated. it is a delicate balance.

while the scale is slowly creeping down (-59 lbs so far) to 216. I am learning that there are some foods that are no longer on the menu:

cauliflower
radishes
pickled foods packed in oil (artichokes and mozzarella)
granola
fatty hamburger
soft serve ice cream
lemonade
soft pretzels

the good news is that there are still some goodies that are still digestable:
tillamook ice cream and Pizza Hut Pizza, Yumm.

doing great on my vitamins and gall stone medication, but really trying on getting enough fluids in. find that I am super tired in the afternoon, so may be due to dehydration. each day is a new challenge!

but as the weight falls off, my heart has an easier time getting through each day. I have been 'tired' lately, even when naomi is here, I have been taking naps, probably aslso due to the limited calories (125-200 / day) and the heat. I have not had the a/c on since all my company left, the temperatures have been great and my arthritis has been better with out the a/c .
I have not really had the motivation to walk down by the river since my parents. I think that dehydration bought was just too scary. once it cools down I will try again.

My advice to PreOp Panic:

I got on the scales today. 218!

I have not seen 218 since 1993... I kept telling myself. I just need to TRY harder. I just need to be more CONSISTENT. I just need.... blah blah blah.

I will not tell you that it will be easy. it is not. anyone that thinks this is a cake walk is in for a rude awakening. this is one of the most challenging lifestyle changes ever.

BUT...

it does work. period. you will survive. you will succeed. you will take back control of your life. now granted, your body will bitchslap you if you go out of your way to self destruct. ;)

FAITH:
my first recommendation is prayer. not only your own prayers, but enlist all of those people around you, far and wide. trust me, they work.

PREPARE:
second. even if you started 3 years ago, you will never 'get all your affairs in order' but you can make a start, and then keep resolutions to make some changes. I really felt touched by 'live like you were dying'. I did start treating people better, and resolved to continue after the surgery. I am finishing that 'book' project that I have been puttering on since 1991 (it is a great 'quiet time' project this summer while I heal.

REFLECT:
third. journal. blog. but write out your feelings. your thoughts. your fears. keeping them inside just freaks you out and gives the fear a food to feed on and that is not healthy.

RESOLVE:
fourth. you will change your mind 100x a day, even after the surgery. ;-) this is just NORMAL. I still have days that I think, what the hell was I thinking. but I keep a chart of my progress. my weekly weight and my weekly measurements. I post a graph that shows the slow decent. http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1971/2472/1600/20060710weight.0.jpg

each week, I update it and it FEELS SO GOOD. I have a goal, I have a tool. I can be successful.

TRUST:
people will be supportive, it is just human nature, people want the best for you. when you need another pick me up, talk to people, it feels wonderful.

SELFLESSNESS
the hardest part for women in general, is to stop swollowing all their own sorrow (along with jelly donuts) and to take time out for themselves and put themselves first. it took me 40 years to finally get to that point. TODAY I COME FIRST. my vitamins are first. my protein is first. my fluids are first. my exersize is first. I am first. not my kids. not my laundry, not my customers. ME! it is not selfish, selfcentered, or self absorbed. it is survival. just like in the airplane. put your own air mask on first before try helping your child or others. this is a tool that is the most selfless act you can do to give your family the best mom/wife/daughter possible for as long as possible.

PEACE:
when it finally comes down to it. LET GO AND LET GOD. just like anything else, he is not done with you yet. granted, this is a factory recall, and your plumbing was not 'perfected', I know I kept thinking, I must be INSANE to go in and deliberately have someone comeplete reroute my plumbing. it defies all logic. but just like someone that needs other surgery from birth defects, this solves a problem that was there from birth, through no fault of our or our parents choice, we were born this way, and now we can resolve the problem.

FUTURE:
the first rule is that there are no rules. what I could not eat last month, I may or may not eat this month. this can go either way. it can work FOR your or AGAINST you. how far I walked last month may or may not be how far I can walk this week, also can work for or against you. there are guidelines and they will work for you, each doctor has operated, and then listen to customer feedback and has perfected his method and routine that will work for you if you follow it. listen to your body, when you think you need to move, move, when you think you need to rest, rest. do not measure by what you used to do, throw that out the window. each day is new and different.

SMILE:
you will be okay, you will learn all about YOU. you will take time for YOU! you will succeed! and you will love how good it feels to be YOU!

Typical Day

my Rx was eat only 3 time a day so that has made it much easier.

730 am
2 vitamins
8 oz herbal tea

9 am
eat my 1 oz turkey

930 - 1230
sucking down 23 oz bottle of zipfizz

1 pm
1 oz salmon

130pm
23 oz propel

6pm
1 oz asparagus
2 vitamins
6:30
(3) 8oz herbal tea

9:30
1 oz roastbeef

this is not 'exactly' what everyone or anyone is doing, but this is what works for me.

Baby Steps downhill

driving myself crazy without a scales this summer, I gave up, gave in and bought a new set.

why oh why

I have been battling the bulge my entire life. For a treat, I would get a bag of Doritoes and a 6 pack of Dr. Pepper. From the time I was in high school, when I thought that little pouch on my belly was something. In 1984, I was 5ft 7in and 150 lbs, just 10 lbs overweight. I gained 60 lbs with my twins, and then lost almost all of it immediately (within 5 days) after they were born. Just 10 more lbs kept hanging on. While my eating habits were poorly based on McDonald's, I did exercise a tremendous amount, so I didn't suffer a lot of retaliation from fast food. YET. Once I started college (in 1987) when they were 15 months old, I started some additional bad habits, not only was dinner fast food, but now breakfast was from the snack machine, a package of Grandma's Cookies and a can of Coke each day on my way to lecture. As my class load increased, so did my waist. By the time I was a Junior in 1990 I had gained yet another 20 lbs, and then I had my third child, and gained another 30 lbs, after she was born, I could never get below 200 lbs, I took tons of nutrition classes, special classes on weight management at the hospital, paid tons of money to learn to eat healthy. All efforts would have a small success and then a larger failure. By 1995 I had gained another 25 lbs, in 1998, I gained 10 lbs over the holidays, and then I got pregnant again, ballooning up to 265 lbs. It took 12 months to take it all off, and then I was pregnant again, and gained again, this time up to 285 lbs.

During the last month of my pregnancy, my husband's office colleague died 14 days after having gastric bypass surgery. While I had toyed with the idea of surgery, this situation terrified me and completely turned me off the idea of having surgery. I tried unsuccessfully to loose weight on my own. I tried for four years with minimal success. Eventually I got down to 242, but then a combination of rheumatoid arthritis medication and anti-inflammation medication, and stress, I started gaining like crazy, from 242 to 275 in a matter of weeks, I started to get some other issues affecting my health. Mostly irregular heart rhythms and decreased energy and just general poor health. I made the rounds of doctors to find out what was wrong and all signs pointed to my obesity and arthritis so I asked the doctor if she would recommend weight loss surgery and much to my surprise, she did recommend it as well as a referral.

The first place I started in was http://www.obesityhelp.com/ and I did a lot of reading and research, finding out who in my area was the most successful surgeon, what methods had the best success rate. Talking to other people that have had the surgery and who has been able to 'live' with the change. The doctor referral that I was initially referred only does Lap RNY, so several resources all pointed in the same direction.

I was able to get it to see the doctor for the initial consultation within 5 days of seeing my primary care provider. To be 'approved' for surgery, I had to have an initial BMI of 35 plus co-morbitities or 40+, mine was 42.1.

I was put on a strict diet (to accommodate my body to the primary food sources post surgery) while waiting for Insurance Approval (that took 28 days) and through preliminary testing (blood work, the EKG, the Gall Bladder Ultra Sound, the Upper GI, the physical exam, and medical clearance), that took another 3 weeks, eventually I got on the schedule for surgery. So my total preparation time was 90 days. It was an emotional roller coaster of dealing with when I eat, why I eat, all kinds of things.

The surgery it self was over so quickly, in at 7 am, in recovery by noon, home by 3 pm the next day, the learning to cope with the new tummy pouch, that has taken MUCH longer to get used too. What I can and can not eat, how much, how often when to drink, how to survive one sip at a time. That has been the challenge.

While on the restrictive diet the first 90 days, I was eating just lean meats and green leafy vegetables, it took some time to get used to but the weight loss was substantial. 10 lbs a month. I seriously considered continuing with that alone and not following through with the surgery. But as time went on it was harder and harder not to go back to old habits of eating food that was high carbohydrates. I felt myself back under the control of the carbohydrate monster and the cravings were driving me to consume them anyways. So I went ahead with the surgery as scheduled.

The surgery has a couple of benefits. One, you are FULL after consuming 1 oz of food. That limits your day to 3 oz of food or about 100 calories, which is highly effective in weight loss. The second is that the food you do eat is not fully optimized, and you miss most of the nutrients. The third is that you develop an intolerance for certain foods like sweets and oils. If I consume sugary sodas (with or without carbonation) I get nauseated and diarrhea, same with oily food. Even well cooked high fat meats that have been rinsed and drained can still make me heave, thus training me that those foods that are not good for me, make me sick.

One of the things that I am having difficulty with this month is that I am not able to be exercise as much as I was able to before the surgery. I have a harder time getting enough fluids to keep hydrated when it is hot and I am perspiring. I do not have the energy that I had (I used to be able to walk 8 – 10 miles) now I can barely go 5-6 miles.

Hope that helps answer your questions.

Liquid Challenge

no matter what I do, hot, cold, wet, wild, I just can not seem to get enough in each day. the fluids are still gurgling down, I can here them gurgle through my esophogus, it is a strange sound and I wonder how long it will last. while lunch meat is the easiest to 'portion out' and obtain, especially in a motel room, I still get horrible gas from the high processed nature of them. I really need a good old fashioned porkchop or chicken breast.

today I am starting with hot herbal tea. I am on my second 8 oz cup before breakfast. but that will pose some challenges as well, since I have been up for 2 hours and am getting hungry. so far I am still limited to 1 oz of meat and .5 oz of vegetables. I have to watch those last couple of bites or I will get over stuffed and then hurt for the next three hours. I would much rather eat .75 ounces and then have a snack in 3 hours than get in a full 1 ounce and hurt for those three hours.

have been walking a little here and there each day, about 1 - 3 miles a day, no dramatic speed races, just moving. hit the spa yesterday, nice and relaxing. my suit fits much better than it has in the past.

To date: 25 lbs lost before surgery, and 25 lbs lost after surgery, 50 lbs loss total. ;) I keep trying to develop a routine, even if it is only a couple of miles a day, just get out there and do it daily, then it is not such a 'shock' to the system personally I hate to move, but I force myself anyways. ;) I still want to weigh in 2 - 4 times a day but have deliberately left the scales at home on this trip so that I have to really work at finding other things to obsess about. I will trot over to costco today and see where I am at, (it has been 4 days since I weighed last) (sounds worse than a drunk, hey, it has been 4 days since my last drink. heehee)

Here's your Sign

I swear, I wonder sometimes at people. I had my son's 5th birthday party and invited some friends, it cooincided with my 1 month anniversary.

we were chatting about how I look (great) and how I feel (great) and how my pouch is limiting my food choices, not just quantity (totally shocking to them that you can exist on 3 ounces a day) and but content (no sweets and no fats) and they were just so many different reactions.

one woman was like well I could NEVER live without sweets, that can not be FOREVER can it? heehee she kept going on like I could change my mind and undo everything I have been working on for 4 months just because I can not eat the coconut pecan frosting off my sons german chocolate cake (I never ate the frosting before anyways) and she was getting so incredulous and finally asked my husband if I was really all that happy, he finally had to defend me, he said if you do not believe she is happy, look at her chart on the refridgerator, trust me, 50 lbs in 16 weeks, SHE IS HAPPY.

It continues to amaze me that people would continue to 'try to talk me out of the surgery' 4 weeks AFTER the FACT. I mean it is like:

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[HERE's YOUR SIGN]
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Loopholes

picture courtesy of Erik (age 6), the boy has talent!

my husband and I are at odds as well sometimes, he is totally into following the surgeons orders to the L-E-T-T-E-R. well, I am all about loopholes.
yesterday, while I was out WITHOUT supervision (mind you, I am 40, a mother of 5 and a soon to be grandmother of 1) I had gasp

1/2 a pancake for breakfast, with blueberries and whipped cream.

and for lunch, you are not going to believe this, for lunch I had

4 corn chips with nacho cheese. I swear, you would think that I was going to instantaneously combust.

dinner was just a freaking risk of life and limb, a deep fried cheese stick. (OKAY, that was really a bad choice, puked that up in 10 minutes) but live and learn)

it is my body, it is my choice, and I will be the one that pays the consequences. not him, not you, not the doctor, and no one else is in the bathroom holding my hair back while I am heaving, so I am the one that lives and learns.

that being said, WOW, the scale is moving again (just past the 3 week plateau) and life is getting better. now I am totally excited, for my birthday, I plan to get me a really really nice set of wedding rings that will fit my currently chubby fingers. ;)

let me tell you about Skinny arsed Horse Eating People.... this guy

can out eat me. when he packs his lunch for work, he takes so much food, it IS the size of a small child. he has breakfast, takes a morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, and then when he gets home, he has a protein smoothie and then an INSENSIBLE dinner.

last night for dinner he had 6 or 7 plate size pancakes, the night before he had something like 32 ounces of vegetables, he couldn't get any more on his plate, it would have rolled off.

it has been absolute hell living with him. he says that it is all metabolism. ttthhhbbb. I have more jiggles and wiggles than a bowl of Jello -Shotz and he is loosing too much weight because he is adding 60 mile rides on Saturdays to his normal work week rides of 15 miles per day. I huff, I puff, I nearly die of dehydration doing 9 miles on Saturdays and 3 miles a day during the week.

let me scream: it is not fair!

Progress that is hard won

little bites, lots of chewing

getting used to the 'rules' and finding 'loopholes' is my middle name. oh my aching tummy

dinner two nights ago, I woofed it down and got sick on my way to pick up krys in a rush

I was so sick for three hours. NEVER again.
I am so dehydrated today, every sip is just horrible on my tummy, I am sucking on popcicles, hopefully that will get some fluids in me.

I have my good days and I have my really bad days. good meals and really bad meals. I am learning a lot about me. I ate my dinner before sverre came home. some nice broccoli. He went to a lot of trouble to cook me perfect halibut fish dinner. and I told him that I had already ate. he measured out my portion, and left it on the counter. I should have walked away an left it, but I felt that it would be rude and I should have room. AUGH. I did not have room. I had to run Erik to a birthday party, I was sick for 3 hours. no amount of gas medicine would get the bubbles to go up, finally I started gagging and it came up in a napkin and I felt tons better. I think that the symethicone drops just got stuck in my esophogus. egads what an experience.

each day I have had one or two meals that were just horrible experiences. I have learned that 3/4 ounce is my limit, of anything. and while mint herbal tea worked well the first week, now it is just 'annoying' and I have raspberry herbal tea instead. this is just so complicated, do this, do that, meet this expecation, that expectation. what a pita. last night was bad dinner as well, I ate cauliflower and got HORRENDOUS gas bubbles in my tummy.

5:00 am: 20 oz water in 30 minutes, new worlds record
6:00 am: breakfast: 1 oz grilled chicken (slowly over 30 minutes)

horrible garbage mouth taste/smell- Ketosis. blech

Kat-Alert

I am doing fantastic!

each day is a learning experience on what I can and can not eat, when and what I can eat together, but over all, it has been really really successful.

Thursday I got my staples out, that was not pleasant, but it is over now.

yesterday I took the boys for a walk, made it 2 miles and drank 24 oz of water, that was really good for me. I can usually drink 1/2 oz at a time, each 10 minutes.

today I was fortunate that sverre did not go on his 60 mile ride with his biking buddy, so we loaded up the water bottles, packed lunches, and set out. we stayed in the subdivisions, using a long greenbelt part of the way to get in 9.2 miles, the last 1 miles was the hardest for me. my
original goal was 8 miles and I should have stuck to that, but I went adventuring a little bit and had a harder time getting home.

started teaching the boys to stop and sip every mile, so that they do not get dehydrated. we saw turtles, blue heron, squirrels and a very nice playground.

I am going to rest the rest of the day, I consumed .25 oz of beef for breakfast and .5 oz of pork for brunch and .5 oz of pork for lunch, so I am not due for dinner for a few hours. total calorie intake this week has been ranging from 20 calories (Thursday - Tuesday) and 100 calories
the rest (Wednesday - Saturday). I will continue with a 100 calorie days for another month.

total loss since March 5th: 40 lbs.

9.2 miles is 1.2 miles too far

10 days post operation and feeling great.

10 days post op

Picture update, 10 lbs lost since surgery, 35 lbs lost so far.

Motivation

today I was working on scanning all my film prints, 1977 through 2004, there are a BUTTLOAD of them.

I was doing great, finished 2004, 1/2 way through 2003, decided to get a wild hair up my butt and clean the glass of the scanner.

OOPs should have left well enough alone, now there is a strange blue / pink banding down the middle of the scans now.

grrrrr

sverre and I got into a grouchy fest this morning.

backstory: when I met and married him, he was a confirmed devout couch potato. today he dresses like lance armstrong and is an organic food fitness freak, 6% body fat! he is evil.

I asked him what changed from 1996 to 2006 and he got all pissy, "just because everyone I know never changes does not mean he cant change". HELLO
so i bite back, "no, I am fat, I want to know what motivated him, I would like some motivation, I would like a change"

"oh"

he is such a total turd.

anyways, he is off to work, I am off to work, and the boys are doing the standard issue summer school break bickering all day.

screaming

jumping up and down

I just got on the scales

I am only 4 lbs over what I was when I got pregnant with Erik! I have just shed 7 years of weight in 3 months and 4 days

okay, I feel better today.

motivation? no longer necessarily.

clue: today I packed a lunch for me and the boys to go to the park

(presurgery lunch:

2 pbj sandwhiches
3 bananas
3 corn bread muffins
3 water bottles)

today:

2 (1 oz) bags of pork chops
2 cliff bars
2 bags of gold fish
3 corn bread muffins
3 water bottles

now before, I could have easily had a nice snack and a lunch and been fine

today:
drank 10 oz water (wait 1/2 hour)
I ate 1 1oz bag of pork chop (good) waited 1/2 hour
drank 10 oz water (wait 1/2 hour)
ate 1/2 cornbread muffin (uhoh)
take a sip of water to wash it down (oh crap)
wait 1/2 hour with baited breath that I have just split open my pouch (new stomach)
take a single tiny sip of water at home 1/2 hour after last food intake (OH HOLY FREAKING HELL)
in the bathroom neasiated at hell, no puking, but you know the horrible taste in your mouth when it is imminent?
damn damn damn

okay

THAT IS MOTIVATION

back to being a good girl

1oz meals, every 5 hours and no fluids 1/2 hour before or 1/2 hour after

THAT SUCKED!

WHO am I?

I wear many hats.

I am first and last and foremost a MOTHER. There is no hiding it, no sidestepping the issue, it us undeniable. Even before I had children, I was a mother, parenting my mother, parenting my baby sister, I have been the grown up since I was 8. I have five children, the youngest boys are 4 and 6, and the oldest girls are 15, 20, and 20. While the three older girls are out of the house, I am still talking to them every 48 hours or less.

Number 1 daughter was born with bipolar disorder and raising her has been a love/frustration, exasperating situation for the last 20 years, 8 months and 14 days.

Number 3 daughter was born with autism and she lives in her own little world most of the time, but occasionally I can coax her out back into our world and get some positive interaction with her. It has been easy to obsess over her and do everything to make her better, but eventually you have to stop giving one child 90%, and put things back in to balance. Balance is the key.

I am a mother hen, I am 'always there' to listen and advice. I rarely bail them out, I refuse to enable the helpless, but I know how hard it is transitioning into adulthood, so I nudge along the right path, not necessarily the popular one, but the best choices for each of them.

I am a STORYTELLER. I steal moments in time, I secret them away in albums in zip lock bags on shelves, on CD's and DVD's for some day I will combine them with the story that I am writing. I started writing MY STORY in 1999, and it is EXTENSIVE, about 250 chapters, some are only a single page while others are 50 pages long. I have completed 23 generations of our family tree, back to the year 600 AD, to be included in our family story. When it is done, it will be a serious of volumes I am sure. When it is done. I have not finished because I am so busy creating other families chapters on film, but my saga continues.

I am a WIFE, and yes, for some reason, that comes third, and I was fortunate enough to find a husband that is okay with that. granted, I had to order him off from Amazon.com in 1996, and I have threatened to sell him on Ebay.com several time since, but once the 'honeymoon' wears off, once the 'tweaking' and 'PS'ing' is done, and we run our filters and our gaussian blurs, we make a perfect match. He is a computer hacking techno nerd that reads and watches SciFi, is vegetarian eating, bike commuting, and 6% body fat weirdo. But he is mine and he is happy with me. (Shaking my head, definitely a weirdo).

And I am ME. I never got enough time in front of the camera when I was growing up. I was the child from the first marriage, and naturally there were some issues there. Through a lot of emotional and physical abuse, I eventually found my solace in staying behind the camera (since 1977) and having a chocolate brownie snack to make it all better. I have been pedaling my bicycle for 12 months now and living my life, sometimes with and sometimes without the camera, but living none the less.

However, at the age of 40, I have made a tremendously strong move to put me first. (A powerful statement in and of its own) I am taking back control of my life, I am putting me first, not the kids, not the camera, not the clients, not the husband. This year, it is all about ME! I went to a doctor in March, I went on a pretty severe diet, I lost 30 lbs, I went in last week and the doctor performed gastric bypass, and now I am on my way to lose the balance (100 lbs) and taking a long hard look at being here another 40 years to really make a difference in those lives that I touch. I have had as near as I can tell 5 near death experiences, and there must be a reason that I am here. There must be something that I have not done yet. A gift or talent that I have to perfect and share.