Tuesday, July 08, 2008

When I put ME first

each day I wake up and wonder, what will I eat today.

I look at the eggs and think *augh* not again.

I know that cereal doesn't agree with me, I just do not know what is worse - not eating, or dumping when I do eat. I can eat Cheetos or some other junk and be just fine.. no dumping.. I am pretty good with protein bars, they tend to hold me steady but my dh gives me the look that they are not 'food'.

and that sets the precedent for the day. coffee to smooth away the headache from not enough sleep which seems to be an ongoing battle lately.

by lunch, I am so busy and on the go that anything is better than nothing, and I usually get to 'anything' by 2 or 3 pm... could be a protein bar, a bowl of soup, or some chicken. I continue to keep the portions small. I still eat off a saucer.. by evening I am able to eat anything and not dump which is a much more pleasant experience, but then I tend to get a couple of times which is why I am still getting in way too many calories each day and my weight is inching up.

that and dehydration... holy cow. that is a serious problem here in the heat (90's each day) and while I am getting better about picking up propel in the gas stations and fixing water bottles with propel. but overall... I just feel so sucked back into the 'mommy zone'

dd#1 wont wake up to drive on her self chosen cross country trek, dd#2 wants to know what to do.

dd#2 can't get her dh to get the military move to proceed in an orderly manner, could I figure out the phone number of the office on the base that she is moving to so that she can make arrangements.

dh wakes me up on his way out to work because while he HATES to work, he hates that I want to 'sleep in' totally ignoring that I was at dd#1 house until 3 am helping her pack and move and so have only been asleep for 4.5 hours.

dh calls to let me know that the postage went up several months ago and I need to travel 6 miles to pick up $.01 stamps so that his REBATE letter goes out okay. screw that, I will slap another $.41 stamp on it and call it good.

did I mention that ds#1 is screaming for me to help him with HIS chore that he must do to earn HIS Nintendo DS and is pitching a fit because he doesn't think that he can, that the job is too much. (move rocks that I can pick up with one hand, he is almost 9 years old) and is pitching a fit that I wont help him.

ds#2 is actually doing really well, just had to go out at 8 am, and ring the doorbell to his own house today for some evil twisted reason while I was sleeping.

so I have 5 monsters, this is self inflicted torture and I do not eat well. I do not eat right. I do not like the feelings I get all day. I do not like the dumping on healthy food I do not like the belly that I have acquired in the last 9 months (started in November 2007 - 18 months post op).

WHAT to DO, what TO do?

really think about what I am doing to myself and is it really worth it?

and time to be much more SELFISH. so today, instead of sleeping, which I should be doing, I am typing. instead of eating a protein bar, I am waiting for my coffee to cool. I can hear the Cheetos groanin and growling down my intestines and they are making a horrible racket.

I have sent ds#1 up to get me the protein bar, and I am going to cancel the trip downtown today. we are going to just have a 'down day', for whatever that means - it is more like a finish up a hundred chores on the house before we leave for the summer. but it will be prudent for me to do this rather than try to get in a trip to the museum AND all these chores.

the garage needs to be cleaned out.. augh!!! see.. there I go again.. I simply can not just REST...

but I have eaten the protein bar at 10:25 am while typing this, that my 8 year old found for me, so the shakes should not be too bad this morning. I have given the 8 year old the chore of watering the front yard. I must get better at delegating and taking care of me.