Oh My Aching Back

My life. *sigh* my life.

can't seem to get a good night sleep on the bed, it is 10 years old and worn out at best. I am exhausted before I get out of bed in the morning. Does not help that I have been woken up by 6 am the last four mornings in a row. Drove 435 miles in two says to get some pictures down, some promotion going, and general business, not nearly as much fun as just road tripping.

As for my professional career, that is going well, it was in a downward spiral the last four months, but this month has been much improved, and now I am actually busier than a one legged man in a butt kicking contest. I am only making one appointment a day, by choice and that is just about right for work load.

KAtkins menu:

breakfast: eggs, turkey sausage, coffee
lunch: protein bar
dinner: shrimp cocktail, artichoke, yellow squash, zucchini squash, bok choy, portabello mushroom, mozzarella cheese, water

Exersize:
elevated heart rate from stress should count for something!

Teeder Todder

I have been working my tail off, got into a row with dh. My portable computer DIED on the plane home. My desktop is crapping out, and he says, you break every computer you have ever had. HELLO. How could I break a desktop? It just sits here, I do not kick it, knock it, or anything, I just WORK on it. I can not help it if the stuff I do is extremely graphically intensive and the processor doesn’t have the power to do it. I need more power. I asked him to look at it, he said that he could not DO ANYTHING. So I asked him how old the computer was that I INHEREITED from him. He said 6 years, and how old is the new computer he has? 4 years, and why can I not have his since he has a laptop from work. He got pretty miffy with me. I nearly cried, he is such a butt. He kept saying I had to buy my own. Tthhbbb~~

So I calmly walked away and read a book. He decided to work on my desktop and tweaked it a little. Defragged the c drive and it is working better. He can be such a boob. I have been so worried about finances that I have seriously considered canceling my tummy surgery.
1-we have termites, that is $1000
2-the desktop has issues, that is $1300
3- the dentist says that the crown and 5 fillings will be $875
4-the pharmacy says that the three month Rx will be $120
5-tummy $2000-2500
I do not understand why so many things have to go wrong at once. ;)
I keep telling myself that if I can do this well (-18 lbs in 40 days) then why not just keep at it. it is all just a matter of will power.

KAtkins Menu:
32 oz crystal light
breakfast: 4 eggs, mozzarella, picante sauce, 24 oz coffee (Louetta Blend + almond extract)
lunch: turkey strips, mazzarella, romaine, cabbage, olives, celery, carb free dressing, 32 oz crystal light
dinner:

Exersize:
4 miles at 10 mph on bike to store for some groceries

Progress

recent weight has continued to decrease, giving me a false sense of my ability to continue to do this on my own. after all, we are only talking about another 250 days at this rate and I would be fine right? what is another 250 days? oh that is right... just enough time for me to loose my patience and give up again.

movement... I dont wanna move. I am too tired to move. I could not get the motivation to leave the house if I wanted to. I was doing great friday and saturday, and then SUNDAY I just bombed out. I was really doing great up until then... working out in the sunshine, flying high, and then I just crashed sunday morning, I had utilized all my resources and I was crashed and burned again. may be the barometric pressure, feels too cloudy and icky out. I hate being a weather slut, constantly controled by it.

KAtkins Menu:
20 oz water
breakfast: scrambled eggs (3), mozzarella cheese, 24 oz coffee
lunch: salad: romaine, celery, and cabbage with portabello mushrooms, turkey, mozzarella cheese and dressing (in order of portions as well. 32 oz crystal light
dinner: chicken strips, salad, asparagus, 16 oz crystal light
salt and vinegar pork rinds, 16 oz crystal light


motivation: not today. maybe a new computer since my crashes every other hour expecially when I am WORKING!!

Going Under

2 Weeks Notice...

what can happen in two weeks? well flying over Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, Utah, and Idaho. eating out for 42 meals, walking 25 miles, soaking for 30 minutes in a jacuzzi, spending WAAAY too much money, watching way too many movies (list to follow), and crashing one portable hard drive.

progress, another 4 lbs gone, there were days that I wanted to just go eat some cake, but I curbed and had some 1 - 3 net carb items. and while I didnt loose any weight those two weeks, I didnt gain, so I am still qualified for the surgery. I have been approved by the insurance and so we are a 'go' I will called tomorrow and start the next round of goodies.

the difficult part that I have learned about me in the last two weeks is that I have a low frustration level. when I am with people and in a 'herd' I am fine and can resist the carbs, but as soon as I am alone and lonely, then I am craving companionship of carbs. this was not easy to face. I do not like to see myself as insecure. this week I watched the show on Discovery Health/TLC the 657 lb woman. wow, that was 'enlightening', I can see that she is a social person, every time they sent her home from the hospital, she would 'have an emergency' and need to be readmitted. she lost 200 lbs in 4 months, and is happier, but still not 'there' as far as physcological healing. she was disappointed that some fat was not removed during surgery. she didn't appear to have had any education on liquid diet after surgery, or vits. that seems sad.

as for me, I am still trudging along:
KAtkins Menu:

breakfast: scrambled eggs, picante sauce, mozzarella cheese, carb select 2 gram protein bar
lunch: broccoli salad, tossed green salad, cream of broccoli soup, water, Coke Zero
dinner: Walleye Pike, Halibut, asparagus

excersize: grocery shopping, post office, fish market, errands counts right?

Do a Little Dance, Make a little Love, Get down tonight

got back on the scales, and booyah, back down to 263, where I was before the Carb-fest. feeling up, getting excited about trip. bought some new jammies, wheeee. if it is not comfort food, then it is comfort shopping. okay, so I have ISSUES. ;-) anyhing worth doing is worth doing to excess!

got my shower, washed my hair, read two books to Erik's class (kindergartners) and then off to the store for some supplies. low carb snacks for the plane.

KAtins Menu:
breakfast: chicken tenders, fried eggs, coffee, 8 oz of low carb milk like substance (severely diluted milk) to get the 'rotorooter' rocking
lunch: advantage bar, turkey sausage, wilted cabbage, water
dinner: yellow crook neck squash, zucchini, chicken tenders

exersize, tthhbb~

Some Relief

I actually feel better now that the rain has started. my head and body are sort of numb from the constant pain in the last 48 hours, but over all, the barametric pressure change and rain is a blessed relief.

I updated all my finances, have all my online accounts current. I will start packing for my trip, need to take all my marketing samples so that I can put together my 'plan'. I finally got my websites back up, the DNS redirected, all is looking good. need to log onto the portable and update everything, and back up some more images off from the desktop so that I have my images with me.

DD#2 is on the diet with me, having a hard time of it, but is going to try.

KAtkins Menu
breakfast: eggs, turkey sasauge, coffee
lunch; cod, asparagus, water
dinner

exersize:
not today, feels like my arches have fallen.

Aches & Pains

the weather is changing and I feel WRETCHED. my liver is throbbing, not enough water, my ankles are swollen, not enough water, and my overall condition is YUCKY. there must be a weather pattern coming in, every square inch below the head hurt until 6 pm and then that was NOTHING compared to the headache that came on! 4 Advil Gel's and a cup of water and vertical for 4 hours saved me.

KAtkins Menu:
breakfast: Atkins bar
lunch: turkey sausage links, eggs, picante sauce, coffee
2 Atkins bars
dinner: Vanilla Atkins Shake with 12 oz of crushed ice

Exersize:
walked around the park with the boys, taking photos

FAILURE!

I was fantastic for 13 days, and then I went out in PUBLIC and day one was a fudge, day to was a blatant fall from grace and would you believe that in those two days I gained back all that I had lost in 7 days?

I still feel wretched. my body is b#(%@ slapping me all day today. ewh. icky feeling.

sulking away to eat my fish, broccoli and romaine.

KATkins menu:
breakfast: 1 new york steak, 2 eggs, 1 coffee
lunch: chicken, ice berg letuce, tea
dinner: monk fish, broccoli, romaine hearts

Exersize:
Moping (pouting)

Back on the Wagon

while it was just bread and ice cream yesterday, if might as well have been meth and cocaine, the guilt is the same. today is remorse and a determination to find balance and harmony, in food consumption, in business development, in travel commitments, in all things.

going to take my camera and go out to the botanical gardens, and shoot for fun and find some inner peace. I may start scheduling more outings like this.

KAtkins Menu:
breakfast: scrambled eggs, coffee
lunch: boiled eggs, turkey, water
dinner: beef, broccoli

Exersize:
walked 3 miles s*l*o*w*l*y

bad bad bad bad bad bad grrl

very very difficult day. extremely high stress and emotionally charged.

solution: high carb intake. guilt, more carbs, guilt, more carbs, overwhelming urge to upchuck, and lots of remorse. back carb crash.

soul searching quest how to live in a carbfest world with giant portions and comfort food. dealing with resturants with huge portions, pushing the plate away during emotionally charged eating, making good choices when feeling emotionally vulnerable is going to be a hard challenge.

Solution: *ha* yeah, like I have a solution, tthhbbb~~ I do not have any answers, I am winging it and flying by the seat of my pants!

KAtins Menu:
breakfast: sun dried tomato bread, coffee
lunch: spinach salad with chicken, water
dinner: shrimp scampi, brocholi, cheese toast, ice tea, ice cream

Exersize:
walked some, sat some, moved some, took some photos

Wwheeeeeee

Super duper stressed, friends coming in from out of town, entertaining colleagues, lunches, dinners, lots of eating out, making a good impression. my heart is skipping a beat, I am maintaining my calm.

morning: shower, hair, breakfast, get the boy dressed and ready, make up an information packet for guest, gather up package for client to ship, run to Home Depot, rush to the airport. I would forget my head if it was not glued on!

afternoon: run through walmart for krys to pick up some different shoes, run to the tea room, closed, change of plans, find parking at alternate resturant, eat, window shop in Old Town Spring, run guest through Eskimo Hut (big giggle) run home, try to disengage the boy, he is freaking. run guest to motel, they messed up reservation, get everything settled. call to confirm dinner reservations.

evening: great dinner, 7 guests, just a great visit. absolutely best time talking shop about cameras and photography business. processes and procedures.

KAtkins menu:
breakfast: chicken tenders, eggs, picante sauce, coffee
lunch: salad, ice tea
dinner: chicken tenders, salad, grilled salmon, ice tea

exersize:
walked for 2 hours.

ME, Me, me, all about meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

okay, so somedays it is and some days it is not. today, I was in a great mood, perky, chipper, had my breakfast, was still perky, chipper, did some cleaning in the office, decluttering mostly, a little printing, less chipper, less 'happy', less perky. now after being up for 3 hours, I am not perky or chipper. I am not hungry, so that is okay. I did some charting of where my weight is at (-12 lbs in 14 days, made a nice graph, printed and taped it up. THAT should make me happy, but it was only for a few minutes. now the jitters are kicking in. may have some chamomile tea to slow things down.

I have a TON of work, including putting together a display of 'who Barefoot Creations' really is. meeting with a colleague tomorrow for her insight. my heart is stressing about 'my business', I do not know WHO I am. I have lost my focus during this diet process. I spend too much time 'reflecting' and not enough time 'living'. I have to run to Home Depot to day to get parts to rebuild the toilets, EVERY FREAKING YEAR, I hate this, it is all the crap in the water, it destroys the toilets and I am sick of it.

before dinner, ran to walmart and got manicure, pedicure and face wax, feel very nice. ;) great experience and very relaxing.

KAtkins Menu:

• breakfast: eggs, medallion sirloin steak, mushrooms, onions, water, coffee
• lunch: turkey, romaine hearts, water
  
• dinner: turkey, broccoli, water
  

Exersize: lots of household chores.

Heart Flutters

I have been taking it easy this week, my inside house chores are keeping me pretty occupied, I am having a party here this weekend and so am doing the DEEP SPRING CLEANING, getting everything nice and clean, washing all the curtains, stuff like that.

I keep getting 'heart jitters' this week. tiny panic attacks, my mom recommended chamomile tea to calm me down. ;-) it is on my list of things to do if I can just convince myself to LEAVE the house. I went out Sunday, for an hour, but for the most part, I have not been out since last teusday. I just do not want to 'see' people right now, too hard on my nerves. I just think about it and I feel a horrible tingle go up my spine, and my heart starts beating irratically.

You know, for some reason, I look around and think that I am not doing enough, it takes me forever to get something done, but I just keep pushing and pushing and pushing, I got the kitchen done in 30 minutes today, I mean, REALLY!!! how can it take 30 minutes to empty and load the dishwasher, and wipe down the counters? gracious. I still need to vacuum the downstairs, but that shouldn't take too long. I did get my bed made, and the bathroom sinks scoured, but still, it just seems like a MONUMENTAL TASK UNDERTAKING to do that, I swear, I was so exhausted after dumping the bathroom trash from two bathrooms yesterday, you would have thought that I just did 3 hours of lawn work outside.

I HATE THIS FEELING!! Helpless and Hopeless. I had more energy 3 years ago before I started taking the drugs that the Dr prescribed for the lack of energy. now granted this second, I am probably suffering from not having had a coffee this morning with breakfast, so if I go done and make one of those, spend 30 minutes meditating (staring out the back window) I will be able to go another 2 hours. it is like that. lots of short relays, no long distance staying power.

KAtkins Menu:

• breakfast: sirloin steak, scrambled eggs, water, coffee
  
• lunch: pork loin, zuchini, water
  
• dinner: Lamb chops, steamed broccoli, smoked salmon
  

Exersize:
errands, shopping at costco, grocery shopping

Monday Madness

day 10 of Turbo Tykes Spring Break. he is dreading going back to school, but he is such a social creature. I puttered on the computer most of the day, or sitting in my chair staring out the window enjoying the peace from the green of spring. spend lots of time worrying about the business, my health, new projects about the house, and th upcoming activities the next 4 weeks.

KAtkins Menu:

• breakfast: eggs, medallion sirloin steak, coffee
• lunch: pork, mixed salad greens, mushrooms, hard boiled eggs, zucchini
• dinner: chicken, asparagus, water
  

Exersize: lots of household chores.

Porch Swing??

okay, mood swings again. left, right, up, down, feels like I am no a Teeter Totter. I was super tired, so I ate breakfast late, really felt neasiated this afternoon, so delayed lunch til dinner time, will pick up dinner before bedtime, but I just do not 'feel' great. my tongue feels like it has been rubbed with 80 grit sand paper. all the food tastes like cardboard and is as easy to chew as OSB (oriented strand board). this SUCKS. food should have flavor, taste like SOMETHING. the beef tastes like nothing, the pork tastes like nothing, the chicken tastes like soft nothing. blech.

I have no motivation for anything, I have cooked more in the last 8 days than I have in the last 8 months, and I do not enjoy cooking. I can not envision living like this for 6 months. I miss having food that actually tastes. now I am not one to drown my food in sauces, I never use steak sauce on my steaks, I never get dipping sauces for anything, just ask at the local Chick-fil-A, I don't even get katsup for my fries when I did get them. as Krys would say, everything taste's like ass.

KAtkins Menu:

• breakfast: eggs, medallion sirloin steak, coffee
• lunch: chicken strips, mushrooms, asparagus, italian seasoning, seasoning salt, ice mint tea
• dinner: cod, lemon pepper, slivered garlic, romaine hearts, ice mint tea

Exersize: my back is killing me, must have slept wrong.

Doldrums

I feel like a clipper ship floating in the doldrums, no wind filling my sails, just drifting around, waiting for the current or the wind to blow me back on course.

I puttered through the house, spot cleaning, dusting here, sweeping there. prodded the boys to clean up the toy room, more like screamed and yelled. they were testing my patience. fussing over the taxes, fussing over spring house 'project' and financing that. worrying over financing 1 trip to europe for BIL wedding (just dh and ds going) and financing three trips to washington (10 weeks total) as well as other projects, going to be an expensive year. I really need to get 'motivated' in the photography, course a phone call scheduling an appointment would help that.

KAtkins Menu:

• breakfast medallion sirloin steaks, eggs, picante sauce
• lunch: baked acorn squash, coffee
• dinner: baked acorn squash, stir fried chicken & green cabbage, ice tea, ice tea

Exersize:
tthhhbb~~

TGIF

I didnt call anyone yesterday, dd#2 came over and we watched a movie, how to lose a guy in 10 days, pretty funny. she wanted to negotiate an allowance for the next 6 months, ;-), pretty funny, you can not get them to do chores when they live at home, but now with her own house, working, supporting a dog, cat, and whatnot, she has had a come to jesus, and is back. snicker. not that this is any 'surpize', I did it when I was her age. nothing changes, the world keeps spinning.

I have a bunch of branches and dead vines in the back yard but I couldnt get her to start with that, she said it was to stickery. tthbb. I will tackle it today, I need to get 'outside' anyways and get some 'exersize', was going bike riding, but I am not up to that and the yard needs attention anyways.

My mood is okay today. had a rowl with the neighbor last night over water rights. I was rinsing a muslin backdrop that I had made/dyed. my hose was around back, hers was 'right there', suffice to say that she 'WIGGED' that I was using about 5 gallons of her water without permission. I offered $5 for her trouble. she screamed fine. I gave her $10, she wigged again. I swear. I ended up in a crying jag for the better part of the night. I would never in a million years begrudge anyone water, electricity, or anything if I had it. she said that I was incrediably rude not to walk over, knock and ask. I guess I was. but I should wouldn't want someone to 'bug me' when I am working or whatnot to ask for some water. gracious. just get it and be done with it. ;-)

Spring is definately here, beautiful 73'F and the leaves are out or near out on all the trees. I really want to get the yard spiffed up, and thereby increase my mood quotent. I just need some volunteers to 'help me', mostly it is the comensuration quotent that I need.

KAtkins menu:
breakfast: scrambled eggs, picante sauce, coffee
peppermint ice tea
lunch: fried cod with lemon pepper, sauteed brussel sprouts with salt & pepper
dinner: baked halibut, steamed yellow squash, steamed broccoli

Exersize:
for instance: today (1 hour of chores):
roll up old branches in back yard with twine, sit down until heart stops POUNDING in my throat twice during rolling.
drag branch roll to front yard for trash pick up, sit down until heart stops POUNDING in my throat.
break down canopy swing, into three pieces, haul from back yard to front yard for dd#2 to pick up, sit down until heart stops POUNDING in my throat BETWEEN EACH TRIP.
move 6 potted plants from back patio to side of house (under kitchen window), sit down until heart stops POUNDING in my throat between every two pots.

Jet Fuel

I am so 'down' I need some 'energy'. I do not 'bounce' out of bed, ready to take on the day. I sort of lumber. I have no motivation to work today. to find my socks or even to brush my hair. I am sure I will after a while. I wish I had a personal whatever to keep me 'up' or at least to make me breakfast, :-P

I think I will call one of my daughters 'friends' to come over and perk me up. Spring is here, everything is green and I just want to go back to sleep. blech. could be that I forgot to take my meds last night, so I took them this morning on an empty tummy, now I feel yucky.

I need a smile:

***WARNING***: the following joke does contain an adult theme.

Two friends, Fred and Harry were golfing one fine day. Toward the end of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods.
Harry, laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond where Fred has hit his. Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball. Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch smashing the weeds to pieces. All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?! Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life... better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life..... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" Then POOF!...she was gone. After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Harry!....Harry!...where are you?"

Harry yells, "I hit my ball in these damn pussywillows!"

Fred screams back....."DON'T SWING! FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T SWING!

KAtkins Menu:

• Breakfast: eggs, picante sauce, coffee
• Lunch: chicken strips, canola oil, green cabbage, seasoning salt, garlic powder, peppermint ice tea
• Dinner: pork loin with garlic powder & seasoning salt, brussel sprouts with salt & pepper, asparagus with soy sauce, romaine hearts, tuna

Exersize: bucket dyed a 15 yard muslin backdrop by hand, lots of housework

When to fish, When not to fish

fish for breakfast is not a good thing, esp smoked salmon, it bubbles up with each belch.. blech.
fish for dinner is not a good thing, it digests too fast and 2.5 hours later, your hungry again. grr
fish for lunch is pretty good. goes down easy, you know you have another meal in sight, life is good.

KAt-kins Daily Menu:

• Breakfast: eggs, picante sauce, butternut squash, Coffee
• Lunch: cod fillet, lemon pepper, canola oil, asparagus fried, cajun seasonings. peppermint decaf ice tea
• Dinner: pork loin, green cabbage, yellow squash

Exersize:
Peddled, pulling trailer to the market to get dinner fixin's, 4 miles.Walked 1 hour through costco, more self deprivation than exersize.