Tuesday, May 08, 2012

The Mad Zodiac

The Mad Zodiac (from Mad Magazine's "Mad for Better or Verse" by Frank Jacobs)

Aries the Ram (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19)
Kazowee! Smash! Bang! Biff! and Bam! No wonder Aries is the ram! The only way his ego thrives Is butting in our private lives; We bolt our doors, but we can't win - The Aries pounds till he gets in; And once he's entered, have no doubt, an atom bomb can't get him out.

Taurus the Bull (Apr. 20 - May 20)
When there's a party you can't stand, You'll find a Taurus right on hand Offending crowds of helpless folks With ancient, dull and endless jokes; To make things worse for one and all, The punch lines he cannot recall; Few things upon this earth can bore us Like the bull of some old Taurus!

Gemini the Twins (May 21 - June 21)
A Gemini is kind and mean, refined and rotten, foul and clean; In other words, we must confess, He's just a schizophrenic mess; But though he's filled with peace and strife, He tries to live a normal life; He'll make a faithful friend and mate - Well, half of him, at any rate!

Cancer the Crab (June 22 - July 22)
It takes most people quite a spell To know a crab-like Cancer well; And when they do, we must confide, They're often sorry that they tried; But though his outlook's gray and grim, It pays to be a friend to him; If so, you'll see his spirits zoom From deep depression up to gloom!

Leo the Lion (July 23 - Aug. 22)
A Leo comes on with a roar, And when he's through, he roars some more; He does this so we'll plainly see That in his world, there's one boss - he! He's glad to share your point of view As long as it is his view, too; If you should cross him, have no fear - The welts will fade within a year!

Virgo the Virgin (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
A Virgo will not hesitate To tell you that you're second-rate; For exercise he strains his wits At finding faults and picking nits; At night he murmurs soft and clear, "I love you so, my precious dear;" We know his sentiments are true, For it's himself he's talking to!

Libra the Scales (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
From just a brief, initial look, A Libra seems a hopeless schnook; At second glance we soon detect Our first impression was correct; His house is filled with friends who mooch, Who borrow cash, who drink his hooch; Let's hope his giving never ends; We'd hate to see him without his friends!

Scorpio the Scorpion (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
If you should see a Scorpio, Then, goodness gracious, say hello! For if his presence you ignore He'll soon declare a private war; However, if you're over-nice, You'll pay an even bigger price; For once he says your friend he'll be, You'll never need an enemy!

Sagittarius the Archer (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
A Sagittarius, you'll find, Will say whatever's on his mind; From what he says, we must conclude What's on his mind is pretty crude' He's right at home in drunken brawls, In street-gang fights and free-for-alls; He wishes he could get a job, But who can use a one-man mob?

Capricorn the Goat (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
A Capricorn's a hapless goat Who always seems to miss the boat; The shirts he washes end up shrunk; He buys a car; it turns to junk; His life's a roll of endless craps That even fouls up other chaps; Because of his unlucky sign, I couldn't make this last line rhyme!

Aquarius the Water-Bearer (Jan. 20 - Feb. 1)
There's little reason to discuss The fuzzy-brained Aquarius; His mind is in the stratosphere, The rest of him is barely here; Psychiatrists throw up their hands And mutter things about his glands; In truth his problem is clear-cut: He's just a happy, harmless nut!

Pisces the Fish (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
The ardent Pisces loves to feel He's one big mass of sex appeal; You'd think by now that he would see The girls who date him don't agree; But though he falls flat on his face, He simply can't give up the chase; No wonder life's a string of crises For the luckless, love-sick Pisces!