The Mad Zodiac
(from Mad Magazine's "Mad for Better or Verse" by Frank Jacobs)
Aries the Ram
(Mar. 21 - Apr. 19)
Kazowee! Smash! Bang! Biff! and Bam!
No wonder Aries is the ram!
The only way his ego thrives
Is butting in our private lives;
We bolt our doors, but we can't win -
The Aries pounds till he gets in;
And once he's entered, have no doubt,
an atom bomb can't get him out.
Taurus the Bull
(Apr. 20 - May 20)
When there's a party you can't stand,
You'll find a Taurus right on hand
Offending crowds of helpless folks
With ancient, dull and endless jokes;
To make things worse for one and all,
The punch lines he cannot recall;
Few things upon this earth can bore us
Like the bull of some old Taurus!
Gemini the Twins
(May 21 - June 21)
A Gemini is kind and mean,
refined and rotten, foul and clean;
In other words, we must confess,
He's just a schizophrenic mess;
But though he's filled with peace and strife,
He tries to live a normal life;
He'll make a faithful friend and mate -
Well, half of him, at any rate!
Cancer the Crab
(June 22 - July 22)
It takes most people quite a spell
To know a crab-like Cancer well;
And when they do, we must confide,
They're often sorry that they tried;
But though his outlook's gray and grim,
It pays to be a friend to him;
If so, you'll see his spirits zoom
From deep depression up to gloom!
Leo the Lion
(July 23 - Aug. 22)
A Leo comes on with a roar,
And when he's through, he roars some more;
He does this so we'll plainly see
That in his world, there's one boss - he!
He's glad to share your point of view
As long as it is his view, too;
If you should cross him, have no fear -
The welts will fade within a year!
Virgo the Virgin
(Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
A Virgo will not hesitate
To tell you that you're second-rate;
For exercise he strains his wits
At finding faults and picking nits;
At night he murmurs soft and clear,
"I love you so, my precious dear;"
We know his sentiments are true,
For it's himself he's talking to!
Libra the Scales
(Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
From just a brief, initial look,
A Libra seems a hopeless schnook;
At second glance we soon detect
Our first impression was correct;
His house is filled with friends who mooch,
Who borrow cash, who drink his hooch;
Let's hope his giving never ends;
We'd hate to see him without his friends!
Scorpio the Scorpion
(Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
If you should see a Scorpio,
Then, goodness gracious, say hello!
For if his presence you ignore
He'll soon declare a private war;
However, if you're over-nice,
You'll pay an even bigger price;
For once he says your friend he'll be,
You'll never need an enemy!
Sagittarius the Archer
(Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
A Sagittarius, you'll find,
Will say whatever's on his mind;
From what he says, we must conclude
What's on his mind is pretty crude'
He's right at home in drunken brawls,
In street-gang fights and free-for-alls;
He wishes he could get a job,
But who can use a one-man mob?
Capricorn the Goat
(Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
A Capricorn's a hapless goat
Who always seems to miss the boat;
The shirts he washes end up shrunk;
He buys a car; it turns to junk;
His life's a roll of endless craps
That even fouls up other chaps;
Because of his unlucky sign,
I couldn't make this last line rhyme!
Aquarius the Water-Bearer
(Jan. 20 - Feb. 1)
There's little reason to discuss
The fuzzy-brained Aquarius;
His mind is in the stratosphere,
The rest of him is barely here;
Psychiatrists throw up their hands
And mutter things about his glands;
In truth his problem is clear-cut:
He's just a happy, harmless nut!
Pisces the Fish
(Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
The ardent Pisces loves to feel
He's one big mass of sex appeal;
You'd think by now that he would see
The girls who date him don't agree;
But though he falls flat on his face,
He simply can't give up the chase;
No wonder life's a string of crises
For the luckless, love-sick Pisces!
