Motivation

today I was working on scanning all my film prints, 1977 through 2004, there are a BUTTLOAD of them.

I was doing great, finished 2004, 1/2 way through 2003, decided to get a wild hair up my butt and clean the glass of the scanner.

OOPs should have left well enough alone, now there is a strange blue / pink banding down the middle of the scans now.

grrrrr

sverre and I got into a grouchy fest this morning.

backstory: when I met and married him, he was a confirmed devout couch potato. today he dresses like lance armstrong and is an organic food fitness freak, 6% body fat! he is evil.

I asked him what changed from 1996 to 2006 and he got all pissy, "just because everyone I know never changes does not mean he cant change". HELLO
so i bite back, "no, I am fat, I want to know what motivated him, I would like some motivation, I would like a change"

"oh"

he is such a total turd.

anyways, he is off to work, I am off to work, and the boys are doing the standard issue summer school break bickering all day.

screaming

jumping up and down

I just got on the scales

I am only 4 lbs over what I was when I got pregnant with Erik! I have just shed 7 years of weight in 3 months and 4 days

okay, I feel better today.

motivation? no longer necessarily.

clue: today I packed a lunch for me and the boys to go to the park

(presurgery lunch:

2 pbj sandwhiches
3 bananas
3 corn bread muffins
3 water bottles)

today:

2 (1 oz) bags of pork chops
2 cliff bars
2 bags of gold fish
3 corn bread muffins
3 water bottles

now before, I could have easily had a nice snack and a lunch and been fine

today:
drank 10 oz water (wait 1/2 hour)
I ate 1 1oz bag of pork chop (good) waited 1/2 hour
drank 10 oz water (wait 1/2 hour)
ate 1/2 cornbread muffin (uhoh)
take a sip of water to wash it down (oh crap)
wait 1/2 hour with baited breath that I have just split open my pouch (new stomach)
take a single tiny sip of water at home 1/2 hour after last food intake (OH HOLY FREAKING HELL)
in the bathroom neasiated at hell, no puking, but you know the horrible taste in your mouth when it is imminent?
damn damn damn

okay

THAT IS MOTIVATION

back to being a good girl

1oz meals, every 5 hours and no fluids 1/2 hour before or 1/2 hour after

THAT SUCKED!

WHO am I?

I wear many hats.

I am first and last and foremost a MOTHER. There is no hiding it, no sidestepping the issue, it us undeniable. Even before I had children, I was a mother, parenting my mother, parenting my baby sister, I have been the grown up since I was 8. I have five children, the youngest boys are 4 and 6, and the oldest girls are 15, 20, and 20. While the three older girls are out of the house, I am still talking to them every 48 hours or less.

Number 1 daughter was born with bipolar disorder and raising her has been a love/frustration, exasperating situation for the last 20 years, 8 months and 14 days.

Number 3 daughter was born with autism and she lives in her own little world most of the time, but occasionally I can coax her out back into our world and get some positive interaction with her. It has been easy to obsess over her and do everything to make her better, but eventually you have to stop giving one child 90%, and put things back in to balance. Balance is the key.

I am a mother hen, I am 'always there' to listen and advice. I rarely bail them out, I refuse to enable the helpless, but I know how hard it is transitioning into adulthood, so I nudge along the right path, not necessarily the popular one, but the best choices for each of them.

I am a STORYTELLER. I steal moments in time, I secret them away in albums in zip lock bags on shelves, on CD's and DVD's for some day I will combine them with the story that I am writing. I started writing MY STORY in 1999, and it is EXTENSIVE, about 250 chapters, some are only a single page while others are 50 pages long. I have completed 23 generations of our family tree, back to the year 600 AD, to be included in our family story. When it is done, it will be a serious of volumes I am sure. When it is done. I have not finished because I am so busy creating other families chapters on film, but my saga continues.

I am a WIFE, and yes, for some reason, that comes third, and I was fortunate enough to find a husband that is okay with that. granted, I had to order him off from Amazon.com in 1996, and I have threatened to sell him on Ebay.com several time since, but once the 'honeymoon' wears off, once the 'tweaking' and 'PS'ing' is done, and we run our filters and our gaussian blurs, we make a perfect match. He is a computer hacking techno nerd that reads and watches SciFi, is vegetarian eating, bike commuting, and 6% body fat weirdo. But he is mine and he is happy with me. (Shaking my head, definitely a weirdo).

And I am ME. I never got enough time in front of the camera when I was growing up. I was the child from the first marriage, and naturally there were some issues there. Through a lot of emotional and physical abuse, I eventually found my solace in staying behind the camera (since 1977) and having a chocolate brownie snack to make it all better. I have been pedaling my bicycle for 12 months now and living my life, sometimes with and sometimes without the camera, but living none the less.

However, at the age of 40, I have made a tremendously strong move to put me first. (A powerful statement in and of its own) I am taking back control of my life, I am putting me first, not the kids, not the camera, not the clients, not the husband. This year, it is all about ME! I went to a doctor in March, I went on a pretty severe diet, I lost 30 lbs, I went in last week and the doctor performed gastric bypass, and now I am on my way to lose the balance (100 lbs) and taking a long hard look at being here another 40 years to really make a difference in those lives that I touch. I have had as near as I can tell 5 near death experiences, and there must be a reason that I am here. There must be something that I have not done yet. A gift or talent that I have to perfect and share.

Slow Steady Progress

someone nearly got hurt yesterday, I am soooooo hungry. 1.5 ounces of broth 5 times a day equals 20 calories. AAUUGGGHHH.. so I had three bites of chicken, wow. it was so good, but my tummy ROILED for an hour afterwards. yikes. two more days, just two more days.

I am 6 days post op, and I am starving. I have a 1/4 cup measuring cup for my broth, and while the first day was a little 'difficult' and I could not drink the whole thing, I can easily slurp one down, 5 times a day. as for the water. gracious, it is murder getting it all in each day. I have two 24 ounce sports bottles that I fille up from filtered water room temperature and keep them with me, the goal is one bottle before 3 pm and the second one before midnight. it feels like a rock. I can only do 1/2 ounce sips at a time. I did however sneak in two baby bites of fish on friday and two bites of chicken last night and my tummy ROILED for over an hour, so I am back to clear liquid devotion for another day. I can not explain why my tummy can easily slurp down a bunch of broth/tea but not water and solids but that is what I am finding so far. and I am STARVING frequently throughout the day. not head hungry, but you can hear my tummy growling, and creaking and gurgling begging for food. ;) 20 calories a day for the last 5 days and I am losing a pound a day.

I am STRUGGLING with staying hydrated. it takes all day to get 40 ounces in each day. Sverre is trying to get more hydrated as well, he agrees, you really have to concentrate. He times himself on the bike, and takes a 2 ounce sip every mile. I can only take a .5 ounce sip, and so I have to do it every 10 minutes. it feels like a brick hitting my stomach. tea and broth at warm temperatures are much easier to tolerate.

Pushing Hard

my mom is a red head and very sensitive to pain, I am a brunette and you can nearly drive a fork through the back of my hand and I hardly flinch.

I have not had any pain meds since 10 pm last night, I think I might use one more tonight to make sure I sleep comfortably.

I do not have a draintube, that would freaking driving me NUTS. they put the iv at the point of my elbow, what IDIOTS, every time I closed my arm, the alarm went off. SO GLAD that is out and over!

I took a toasty hot shower and washed my hair yesterday, hmmhmm good, I put on a maternity dress today to go out, the elastic band from my shorts friday were wretched! I can not say that the dress worked much better today. or maybe it did. lets talk about a mom's ability to push too hard? today: I started out slow, and then my 4 year old invited me to go with him and the rest of the family shopping, so I got dressed. after all, no sense sitting home being a slug right? the doctor said walk more.

I have 1.5 oz of broth for lunch
1st stop: Target: walking time 20 minutes, I am spry, I can do it.
2nd stop: Costco: walking time 1 hour 15 minutes, bang the cart against my belly, I think I am spry, I think I can do it, I am now hungry
3rd stop: Play it again Sports: walking time 10 minutes, tried out an incline bike, bang my knee into my belly, try the ski machine, freaking cool, I am not spry, I am loosing my mind
4th stop: Bike Barn, I sit in the car, I am old and I am decrepid
5th stop: BusyBody Home Gym, I sit in the car, I recline the seat, I pretend that I am not dying, my belly is burning where the staples are
6th stop: HEB Grocery is totally aborted, I am cranky, irritable and have heard the 4 year old tell me 'RIGHT MOMMA' so many times, I just want to stop and get some duct tape for his mouth. I am now starving

I am now home, resting, got some broth, the boys are somewhere else and I am starting too feel a little normal again.
I did search all over the house to find my backpack from May 9th, has my auxilary hard drive and holy cow, an order from that day. now I know I am loosing my mind.

yep, I pushed too hard today. I am going to get a good night sleep tonigh, and start back to work tomorrow, very slowly. just going to offer 5 sessions for the month of June.

rev up your engine with a little GAS

augh... they pumped a buttload of gas in my esophogus, my stomache pouch, my stomache, my upper intestines, gracious, where ever they could find to pump it. I had something blue dribbling out of my mouth for the 'seap test', great. thanks a lot. nearly as embarrassing as the something white for the 'barium test' these people are wicked.

so now, burp and fart, pick an exit and get it out. I still feel a little bloaty here and there, I think that it is overflow on the sensitive pouch, I am not sure, so far it is all liquids, so I thought that would just trickle on down stream or something. guess I am not 'sipping' slowly enough. whatever.

weaning myself off the elixir of love (tylenol 3 + codeine) Yummy. was every three hourse yesterday, today every 6 is doing the job. the staples are starting to get irritated, fortunately they only have 4 more days before they come out. feel like someone got a hold of a bosch staple gun from home depot and went freaking nuts on my belly!! 3 incisions with 5 staples each, and two with 3 staples each, that is a grand total of 21 flipping staples. HELLO? what ever happened to disolving stitches? what-ever!

so since cold water irritates the crap out of me right now, I switched to warm herbal tea without any sweetner, and got down two mega cups today. along with about a pint of broth, I am still hydrated, but not nearly enough. I am already getting anxious bout 'food food', wednesday is a loooonnnngg way away. I could do with some chewing. today I did do some chewing, and the spit it out, didnt need a repeat of the feeling friday with two bites of fish, that was not pleasant!

so when some guys asks if I spit or swallow, it is spit for now. HAHAHAHA

moving to lose?

I am home, and with a little help from liquid Tylenol with codeine, doing okay. yesterday was pretty bad, felt downright wretched. today I think is the turning point, feel like getting on the computer, first time since Wednesday, so you know I had to be pretty bad off to not even turn it on for two days. I am told as long as I keep moving around that I will get better, so that is what I am doing.

well today I rode my bicycle to the end of the block and back, when I could not find Magnus, I sent erik to get him, and erik ended up staying with him at a kid's house.

I got a shower, had a 1/4 cup of broth and now smell and feel better. ;) my spirits are pretty good. I guess the doctor was right, the sooner the mom is HOME the sooner she will get up and move and take care of the house and family. I picked up all the dirty laundry on the top floor and put it in the laundry room, and I cleaned the tv room where I am camping on the comfiest bed in the house, so I consider my 'house hold chores done' for the day.

KAtkins menu:

breakfast: vegetable broth
lunch: chicken broth
dinner: chicken broth

water, water, water

“Twas The Night Before Bypass”

'Twas the night before bypass, when all through my gut not a morsel was stirring, not even a nut.
The suitcase was packed by the back door with care, in hopes that a new me would soon return there.
I lay nestled, snug in my bed while visions of calories danced in my head; and me in my plus size pajamas and wrap, had just settled in for a long, restless nap.
When deep in my mind there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my dreams to see what was the matter.
Away to my fridge I flew like a flash, ripped open the door and drooled at the stash.
The moonlight reflecting off the beautiful snacks gave a luster of radiance to all on the racks.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but an array of the comfort foods I hold so dear.
With a familiar feeling of all those I'd pick, I thought in a moment I just might be sick.
More lovely than angels their voices they came, and they whistled and shouted and called me by name;
"Now pizza, now French fries, now chocolate galore, on cheesecake, on ice cream, on donuts and more!"
From the tip of my tongue, to the bottom of my toe, I will miss you all more than ever you'll know.
As an addict that shakes and stirs as he sits, I'll mourn the loss of my delectable hits.
So back to my bed I went with great haste, and settled back down with nary a taste.
And then in an instant, in pre-op I sat, nervously waiting to no longer be fat.
As I sat deep in thought and adjusted my gown, In came my surgeon in one single bound.
He was dressed all in scrubs, from his head to his feet and he seemed very calm as he eyed me like meat.
He looked at my chart, with his scope gave a listen, I don't think he noticed my eyes starting to glisten.
He was chubby and plump -- he could lose some himself, and I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke barely a word as he prepped for his work, he paused for a moment, then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger aside of his face, and giving a nod, out of the room he did race.
He checked in the next day, to his students gave a whistle, and away they all flew like a down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim as he walked out of sight, "speedy thinness to you and a healthier life!"

Filet Mignon

oh baby, that was delicious! moist, juicy, and gone way too fast!

today was warm chicken broth and coffee for breakfast
followed by a delicious zesty vegetable broth and free and clear strawberry kiwi Coolaid for lunch and
tonight will be a scrumptious roasted Beef broth with lemon water (2006 vintage)

I discovered that I am allergic to red dye 40, so no crystal light, Popsicles or jell-o today.

I will be in the hospital for 48 - 72 hours.

day one will be surgery and ice chips all day/night

day two will be .33 oz sips of water for breakfast and .5 oz of meat and .5 oz of broccoli for lunch and again for dinner.

if all goes well, I will go home that night.

then every day until June 7th, I will have 1 oz of broth three times a day and 60 oz of water, (.33 oz each 10 minutes).

June 8th, I go in and get my staples from my belly (laporoscopic) removed, and start eating .5 oz of meat and .5 oz of leafy green vegetables for breakfast, lunch and again for dinner. each month, I will progress up 1 ounce until December 1st when I will be able to each 6 - 8oz of meats and leafy green vegetables, three times a day.

June = 1 oz a meal
July = 2 oz a meal
August = 3 oz a meal
September = 4 oz a meal
October = 5 oz a meal
November = 6 oz a meal
December = 7 oz a meal

the blah blah blah's

I do love the feedback. here is my 'perspective'

I have given birth to 5 extremely large children (twins were 6lb 8oz EACH, (13 lbs total) Naomi a tiny 7lb 8oz and Erik a little bit bigger 8 lb 9 oz, Magnus the last one was 11 lb 3 oz). with the twins, I lost the weight, all but 5 lbs in 5 days. (211 - 155) that was pretty impressive. but as many know, with the next one, it is harder, and with the next one it is easier, and with the next one it is harder to take off the baby weight.

where I saw the pounds creep up significantly was starting college, mid terms and finals and hamburgers and pizza and anything that was quick and easy to fix was my choice just to get back to studying. not to mention being 10 minutes late in the morning and $1.00 in the vending machine for a bag of something and a coke was too often.

the first step was a program called LifeSteps, a 16 week program about nutritional choices, calorie counting, emotional eating, and exersize. in 6 months, I lost 20 lbs. I knew the nutrition, I knew the foundations. it didn't seem to help, choosing a happy meal instead of a value meal cut the calories in 1/2, but didn't make any changes.

the second step was Fat Busters, after all "fat makes you fat" so I did the lean and mean diet, moving to lose, and counting the fat grams. I lost 20 lbs in 6 months, but it didn't last.

then came Sugar Busters, reduce your sugars... blah blah blah

then came Atkins, lean meats and low carb... blah blah blah

then came vegetarian, blah blah blah

I tried the Y membership, the Gym Membership, aqua therapy, walking, biking, yada yada yada. all in all, I have probably lost and gained 1000 lbs total. the same 50 three times in the last 4 years. I live with the food nazi, so you can imagine just how strict he is with food in the house. no chips, no cookies, no cakes, no donuts, no ice cream, no soda, no fun. ;)

This spring, I started getting some serious heart rhythm issues. really gave me a start. I am active, pedal 5-10 miles every other day or so, walk a lot, can work a 10 hour wedding with a 5 lb camera and do pretty good, so I was very surprised when I hesitantly asked my doctor (whom I see every 90 days) if she thought that gastric bypass would be a good choice considering my family history of cancer and diabetes and my history of rheumatoid arthritis and was given a firm yes. her referral got the ball rolling and very quickly.

backtracking 4 years ago, I attended a funeral of a sweet college in my husbands office, he lived 2 weeks after his gastric bypass, developed staff infection and died. considering gastric bypass was to me tantamount to suicide. however. with all the history of what is going on, it became readily appearent that I was running out of time.

I ended up selecting the strickest most conservative doctor in the field, with the highest success rate, the lowest complication rate, and in general, considered a real difficult guy. rather than set out to convince him that I needed this, I let him tell me what he thought I needed. that might have messed with his head a bit. ;) I swear my husband I had him laughing in the office and I have heard many swear that he does not have a sense of humor. but ultimately, I never told anyone what I thought I needed, but I did present the weight history, which is objective, the doctor supervised diet, objective, and everything else for the past 20 years. The results were unanimous.

the papers were submitted to the insurance company, and were instantly approved, also unusual considering that as a rule, they are initially rejected as a default. It is considered last option. it is limited to morbidly obese. I was the lucky winner of an all expense paid trip to Cypress Fairbanks Hospital.

The doctor set me on a 'lifetime' diet that would make most Atkins fans faint, and 90% of the Gastric Bypass patients quiver. Lean Meats and Leafy green vegetables. PERIOD. forever. I have done my best for the last 90 days and adopted. I can see that it is beneficial long term and I have learned to live with it. I can not say that it is my ideal but it would appear that due to the short term change in my body, that I was completely carbohydrate intolerant. how freaky is that? I eat as much as I want, at each meal, not between, I am not hungry between, and I have lost on average 10 lbs a month. for some reason my body metabolism, even with 30 - 120 minutes a day of exersize, could not shake the carbs. eating homemade whole grain breads, no prepackaged preprocessed foods, and limited to 1200 cal a day with no trans fats and not commercial snacks, I was still gaining up to 10 lbs a month.

now all the drugs that I have been taking for Rheumatoid Arthritis have not helped, and being off of Celebrex and Prednisone has not been a picnic either. I swore that I could not move without them, but I am trusting that by losing 100 lbs that it will be easier to exersize.

I am not indecisive about the surgery, I am just scared. I kept thinking along the last 3 months, if I can loose 10 a month on my own, I could do it all on my own, but the longer I progressed, the less I could keep to the diet, and started to sneak and sabotage myself. so I am more convinced.

it was also very difficult to accept that we would take $2500 out of the family savings to pay for this. I am not the type to spend that kind of money on me. in my mind, it would be better spent on paying off the car, or a credit card, or something. always putting my health last is possibly a contributing factor to this ongoing issue. once my husband sat down Tuesday and wrote the check to the hospital. it was a 100 lb weight off my heart and mind.

I was back to riding my bike, but it has already gotten so hot here in houston, that sverre went to Play it again Sports and got me a stationary bike for the tv room and it works much better for me. I can easily get my 10+ miles a day in.

so now the final few days are here. today and Monday are my last day's of solids. Tuesday is clear liquids and Wednesday is the surgery. I have had some friends over last night for a prayer to give me strength and comfort. I am still worried that I am not getting everything done before the surgery. a current will, a last letter to my children explaining why. a copy of the digital photo album for each of my children, stuff like that. but instead, I have been doing things like playing chinese checkers with them, playing checkers with them, just taking a moment to snuggle with them. and maybe I will get all that other stuff done, and maybe I wont. I have spent time just talking to my husband and while we know that there is some serious consequences, so is driving in traffic and flying on an airplane and eating at mcdonalds. ;-) I have to have faith that no having any obstacles has been a "sign" that this is the path for me. Because I have seen my biological father effectively paralyzed by type ii diabetes and gout and he is just a humongous balloon now and I seriously doubt that he will survive considering his current health and it all came down to choices. He didn't make any changes, and I have explored them all in 20 years and this is the last one.

I do believe that a large part of my success will be a strong spirit to survive and psychological positive energy. you have to 'beleive' that you can beat it, any of it. cancer. arthritis. obesity. depression. you just have to. and you can not do it alone. you have to have friends and humor or what is the point?

Make a choice

I have been 'upset' and my house has been messy, today it is so clean, that even my pot holders, kitchen towels, and kitchen washcloths are folded neatly in their drawer.

I picked up the floor last night, the entire first story, sverre vacuumed every inch, I moved all the furniture, so that he got under EVERYTHING

then upstairs today, I finally got EVERYTHING picked up and ran the roomba for three battery cycles to get it all cleaned.

I feel much better. the boys are watching PBS and I am drinking my BUBBAJUG of water. (52 oz) second today.

oh check this out

http://nutrition.about.com/library/blwatercalculator.htm

A person who is 255 pounds
and is exercising for 0 minutes ,
is not pregnant,
is not breastfeeding,
does not live at a high altitude,
does not live in a dry climate,
drinks 3 caffeinated drinks ,
drinks 0 alcoholic drinks ,
when it is very hot or very cold,
and is sick with fever or diarrhea should have:

146.5 ounces of water today, or 4.4 liters.
If you eat a healthy diet, about 20 percent of your water need may come from the foods you eat. If you eat a healthy diet you can drink 117.2 ounces of water today, or 3.5 liters.

many have heard the story of someone who knew someone that died after surgery. I am right there with you. only I actually was at the funeral. my husband's coworker had the surgery in 2001 and died within two weeks. my husband is terrified to tell anyone at his work that I am having the surgery. he knows they would freak. I have asked him what he remembers about the man. what I remember is that he was beyond BMI 50+ and he could not ride a bike and he got 'stapled' and had great difficulty getting approved after repeatedly denied.

but what I can tell you is that that was 5 years ago. the doctors have perfected this and improved tremendously in 5 years. that he already had let himself go past a 'safe' point for him, he had issues that were unique to him. not me.

so I have had to calm myself, I have had to disassociate what happened to him with a different doctor, in a different hospital, in a different part of the learning curve and a totally different metabolism. my doctor has prepared my body differently than other doctors. my doctor has prepared me for three months on the lifestyle diet, not two weeks. totally different circumstances with each individual.

surround yourself with supportive people. be selective of whom you tell and whom you do not. 'fear factor' will not help you heal your self. one of the things that has helped me was getting past pre-registration. I was so bad emotionally that I wrecked my car into a parked truck on my way to the doctor for my final weigh in.

my husband did not freak. he said it was just a stupid car. no big deal. and we continued on the plan. he went with me to the hospital to register and kept me company. even told the nurse he was supportive.

at that point, once the expenses were taken care of, I calmed down. I would never spend that much money on me. and the surgery was a luxury IMO. but he considered it a necessity. so here we are. 5 days away and I am profoundly calm. everything is scheduled, everything is arranged. all the parts are in place.

one of my biggest issues was that if I could lose the preop weight on my own, 23# then why couldnt I do the other 103 on my own, after all I have will power. but eventually I figured it out, what I said was true that first day. I can do anything for 90 days. but on the 91 day I usually bail. I just can not do it. I have to have a kolache, I have to have just one flour tortilla, just a tiny bit of apple pie, and then I am SUNK.

today I tried and failed to take my child into a no-no-zone, and I couldnt stop. the lady offered a kolache and I cracked. I felt neasiated the rest of the day, sick that I couldnt cope, sick that I could gain so close to surgery and sick that when it comes right down to it. I just can not do it on my own.

each day I worry that I will not survive the next week, the next month, but all I can do is play with my son, take my daughter to the movies, ride bikes with my other son and live today. it is all psychological. the will power to get better the will power to get worse. that type of will power I have. I can choose to live.

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a lovely and well-preserved body, but rather a skid to broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "WOW! What a ride!"

live like you were dying

Unleashing The Masses

I have just started to tell people, just incase anything happens, it will not be a shock. so far most people are very supportive. almost everyone has a friend that did it or something and all are doing well.

I did get an email today from someone that thinks that a drink mix (reliv) is the solution, totally ignoring that this is totally and 300% under medical evaluations, I literally have three different doctors in three different practices in three different zip codes that have done the exams and blood work and agree that 'for me' this is the best solution.

how else can we explain that in 79 days I have lost 23 lbs without limiting calories, just carbohydrates? obviously I am one of 'those' so by permanently removin the absorbtion part of the intestinal tract, I can spend less time obsessing on weight and more time obsession on aperature and shutter speed.

and I was SOOOO Outgoing 100 lbs ago, I was the one to talk to at a party, I was the welcoming committee, now I NEVER leave the house, I hate to go to parties. and when I go, I have a snack and wait for someone to include me and 'wow, surprize of surprizes' no one talks to me. that will change when my body catches up to my personality again.

thinking about my mortality:

In 1968, for a few minutes I drown in a swimming pool, but the motel manager found me.

was rushed to the hospital in 1974 when I went blasting through the house, flew down the stairs and nailed my head on a low hanging beam, split my head open and had to have 5 stitches

I died again in 1975, I drown in a swimming pool (AGAIN) and some kids found me, I was so far gone, my lungs were 100% full of chlorine water, and my body has -0- color, I didn't know that you turn black under water, all the movies are fake.

nearly passed away in 1990 during the delivery of my third child, the nurse didn't check during the pushing part, left me with my husband and mother, and I was covered with a sheet so they didn't know that I was hemorrhaging.

I was in a pretty serious car-wreck and hit a granite mountain in 1992, and my head literally went through the rear view mirror, and through the windshield, I should have died but had just one scratch.

in 1996 I was driving down a little two lane side road, when a dodge truck came flying out of a gas station and plowed right into the driver side of the car, peeling the driver door back from the hinge like a can of sardines

I was so very in danger of dying in 2003, my husband fell asleep at the wheel and we went over a ravine, through a fence, snapped off several wooden fence posts, past a power-line guide wire and came to rest near an extremely busy freight train track (two trains blasted past before the wreckers (took two to get the car of the pit). I knew I was not going to survive, reached around to say good bye to my older son, strapped into his car-seat, I was not wearing a seatbelt and knew there was no time, and no point, however, we had 5 miracles in 5 seconds that morning. the fence post busted and part of it punched into the side window, narrowly missing Erik's head, but sprinkling shattered glass all around him in his car-seat, and punched right back out again, leaving a hole smaller than a saucer. missing that guide wire by about 10 feet was something, I do not know if the posts, the guide wire or what busted the front bumper and the rear bumpers in half, but the passenger side 1/2's just blew off like Frisbees. I do know that the fence post's sheared off everything on the passenger side of the car, no side mirrors, no door handles, nothing was left. but I will tell you that the ravine was the freakiest part. I saw it coming up, 25ft across, 10ft deep and a car that is only 15ft long, there was absolutely no explanation for what happened, it was as if the hand of god slide under the chassis because the drivers side was never airborne, just the passenger side.

the miracles that I have survived are even more than I can detail but have occurred none the less. I do not know what my purpose is here, why I am 'still here' when all is said and done, I have completed the tasks that I am supposed to in the opportunities that I have been granted. was it to inspire my own children? to inspire my colleagues? to inspire someone? anyone? not that I have not continuously thought about my choices making a difference to someone in the short time I have here period. I have never taken for granted that I would be here, I am really surprised that I have lasted this long. ;)

my husband has asked me to take a few moments and make some notes of my last wishes in case, I swear, does he have any idea how long that would take. all the mass emails, all the mass online posts. ;) I have spent more time getting to know my online friends than I have my IRL friends. course he was probably talking about inconsequential crap like casket or urn, paper or plastic, where to be buried, like that means anything. ;)

but since it is not an issue, I am going to get through this as well, there is no need to fuss about stuff like that. ;)

PreRegistration Blues

I scheduled my registration about 10 days ago, and immediately the financial department called up wanting 15% of the anticipated cost as a deposit. freaking blood sucking commies. I chose to ignore cash, check, or charge IN FULL before REGISTRATION. what a crabby little vixen she is. Went in to the appointment, very innocent like, and make arrangements for 1/2 now and 1/4 in a month and 1/4 in a month after that. *sigh* I figured someone would be reasonable in the end.

did all the forms, all the information, got all the diet and procedural plans (nice well laid out packet, mental note for my own business). Completed one more blood draw. on my way. send out some announcements yesterday to my friends, got a TON of support, wow.

I have been working towards wls for 77 days, I have 9 days to go and I have changed my mind more times in the last 77 days than I have about anything else in my life. I do not like to yoyo back and forth like this, to constantly second guess myself.

taking ownership of my lifestyle and food intake choices has been difficult for me. I know that I have issues just like 'everyone else' but, it still amazes me that they have consequences on my exterior body. Most friends and intimate family (husband and children) do not see that there is a need for weight loss and obviously see 'me' rather than my body. this is a good thing.

my extended family (parents and grandparents) are just the opposite, they almost obsess over my weight, every single conversation involves asking if there has been a weight loss since I was 20 years old. while I am partially doing it to get them off my back, the ultimate reason for wls is the physical health issues I have been experiencing in the last 4 months. my heart feels like it is getting irregular and could be showing signs of giving out. fine. time to change something.

the support of Krystal has been very sweet, she thinks that it will be a kick to my previous 'relationships' with a return to my 20 year old's body and a 'kick in the ass to them that blew me off'. I can see that as a bonus, but definitely not the objective. surviving is the objective. surviving this week, this month, and this year.

after all, my children need someone to boss them around, I flatter myself as the matriarch of the family. So here I am, 9 days away and terrified that something could go wrong. I have a very close friend that loves her new body 3 years out and another friend that was my husbands colleague that died within two weeks as a result. I have another close friend that is a widow because her husband did not have the surgery. So I am still torn, and I really think that it is a crap-shoot.

Either way, I and I alone have to make the choice, follow the guidelines and keep my spirits up. It is my choice. Of all the things that I think that it is, the easy way out it is not. *sigh*

I think that I am my own worse enemy, the things that go through my head are 10x worse than what anyone says to me.

today was a good day. Erik wore the wrong kind of shoes (flipflops) so I had to zip over in the morning and drop of nazi approved sneakers. he graduates from Kindergarten in 2 days. Magnus will start Kindergarten in 3 months. it is all going by so fast.

Mmhhhwwwwaaaahhhh (*kiss*)

KAtkins Menu:
breakfast: boiled eggs, coffee
lunch: straweberry protein shake
dinner:

Exersize: 2.5 miles on the bicycle

weight yoyo

As the day for the procedure draws closer, my panic level raises and my tolerance level drops. I find myself worrying about getting everything done in time to prepare for the worst. what if's keep popping up in my mind. Things that I need to say and do before I do the deed.

I have been working towards wls for 76 days, I have 10 days to go and I have changed my mind more times in the last 76 days than I have about anything else in my life. I do not like to yoyo back and forth like this, to constantly second guess myself.

Taking ownership of my lifestyle and food intake choices has been difficult for me. I know that I have issues just like 'everyone else' but, it still amazes me that they have consequences on my exterior body. Most friends and intimate family (husband and children) do not see that there is a need for weight loss and obviously see 'me' rather than my body. this is a good thing.

My extended family (parents and grandparents) are just the opposite, they almost obsess over my weight, every single conversation involves asking if there has been a weight loss, since I was 20 years old. while I am partially doing it to get them off my back, the ultimate reason for wls is the physical health issues I have been experiencing in the last 4 months. my heart feels like it is getting irregular and could be showing signs of giving out. fine. time to change something.

the support of my darling daughter #2 has been very sweet, she thinks that it will be a kick to my previous 'relationships' with a return to my 20 year old's body and a 'kick in the ass to them that blew me off'. I can see that as a bonus, but definitely not the objective. surviving is the objective. surviving this week, this month, and this year.

after all, my children need someone to boss them around, I flatter myself as the matriarch of the family.

So here I am, 10 days away and terrified that something could go wrong. I have a very close friend that loves her new body 3 years out and another friend that was my husbands colleague that died within two weeks as a result. I have another close friend that is a widow because her husband did not have the surgery. So I am still torn, and I really think that it is a crap-shoot.

Either way, I and I alone have to make the choice, follow the guidelines and keep my spirits up. It is my choice. Of all the things that I think that it is, the easy way out it is not. *sigh*

I am finding that lately, my mind and body are balking at the restrictions in my diet. I am re'reviewing all the limitations and knowing that this has been a real PITA for the last 76 days. I have not had a weight change/loss in 10 days. that concerns me.

While I do have a cautious support sytem of friends, they have a trepidatious heart that this will work out well. I know that there are risks. I do know that I am making progress over the last 76 days, but as I explained to the doctor, I can do anything for 90 days and then I just do not have the 'staying power' to continue. I feel heavy hearted, and nervous. what if's are pretty traumatic thoughts. there are some that are much better off, some that are better, some that are worse off and some that are just flat dead from this. course there are some that are all that without any surgery. it is a real crap shoot.

I have no answers to life's questions, I am making this up as I go along, like everything else I have ever done. I just hope that my being here has improved the lives of those who have known me.

KAtkins Menu:
breakfast: grilled salmon, scrambled eggs, smoked salmon, coffee
lunch: teaspoon peanut butter
dinner:

exersize: nada

Slinkies & Coffee

[[ Some people are like slinkies, they don't really have a purpose, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.]]

that just made my day! Mother's day is over, for yet another year. Bar-b-Que ribs, green beans and good company. Tissue Paper flowers, pipe cleaner stems in a painted wylers cardboard can, a couple of cards and a single red rose. a bitchin' computer that S*C*R*E*A*M*S, life is pretty darn good.

am I in a good mood? not today. neck ache, back ache, probably dehydrated. I think I need nap already. I know I want some carbs!
talked to financial at th hospital, $1500 cash up front, POLEEZE! do I look like I got money growing out of my exceptionally large derrier? I so don't think so. talked to my insurance, they said that prepaying was not acceptable, and for me to tell the hospital to take a flying leap.

KAtkins Menu:
breakfast: Eggs, cheese, coffee
lunch: turkey slices, cheese, romaine lettuce "wraps", sugar free tang
dinner: zucchini, chicken, cheese, sugar free tang
snack: low carb yogurt, protein bar

Exersize. blah blah blah

Rise and Shine

up and at 'em. first thing out of bed, make the bed, pick up the room, move from one room to the next, got the entire house clean, including sorting all the clean laundry and hauling it to the individual rooms, trash hauled to the curb, and company ready (other than vaccuming in 30 minutes).

Got Erik off to school, Sverre off to work. Magnus and I peddled around the neighborhood, I took a protein shake, he a water bottle. 2 miles all before 830 am, came back home, made breakfast of eggs with cheese and coffee. Magnus is putting together puzzles, my laptop computer is recharging and I am going to get the last daycare pictures proofed today. it is a beautiful day outside and I am feeling pretty good. still cant believe that I knocked off 2 miles before 8:30 am. that is just nuts.

I really need to get my hard drive sorted out today.aw, and there is the phone. my WLS buddy in Wisconsin. ;) she is talking about her sports bra fitting. she is just too funny.

KAtkins Menu:
Breakfast: protein shake, eggs w/ cheese, coffee
Lunch: broccoli, cheese, chicken breast, sugar free tang
snack: protein bar
Dinner: bar-b-que ribs, green beans, water

Exersize: bicycle for 2 miles

Just 24 Hours

why can I not go 24 hours and believe that WLS is the right choice? I have a chart on the wall, plotting my progress, I started at 275, and my first goal is 225, the weight that I was at 10 years ago when I moved to Houston. It seemed a reasonable goal. not the full 135 lbs but 50.. and really it is just 40 lbs from Post Erik Pre Magnus weight. and why do women mark before pg and after pg weights as magic markers? must be some kind of wierd.

anyways. I soo the scales slowly going down, at a pretty good rate. 25 lbs in 60 days. completely reasonable. so another 60 and I will be at the first goal. so what is the point of the risk? .02% die. those are not good odds. the doctor's office said 1 in 300, those are REALLY not good odds. why? my buddy in Wisconsin keeps encouraging (she never had a single problem, but then again, she had to gain weight to get qualified.) I just wish there was a majic wand that would tell me, you will not have complications. you will not dump. you will not die. that would be a good thing. NOT DIE.

I konw that most of success / failure is mind over matter. I know this. but even today, had the worst feeling when I smelled sverre baking cinnamon rolls. it is so not fair. after 2 months, I can not have them. and I want them. and I hate smelling them. after 60 days of him baking them every single sunday, I gave up and ate one, and he had the audacity to be SUPRIZED! HELLO! do I leave bags of M & M's around the house? no. sabotage.

KAtkins Menu:
breakfast: scrambled eggs, cheese, smoked salmon, coffee
lunch: pork loin, artichoke, water
dinner: protien bar

exersize: cleaned the toy room, worked on the computer, surfed the web, that has to burn some calories!

happier, more rested

my back has been hurting, not sleeping well, probably not drinking enough fluids. they say that can cause a backache. backache and poor sleep causing the irritability.

I didnt any work done on friday, just spent the day decompressing and relaxing. puttered around the house and out on a couple of non essential errands. saturday was more of the same. nothing major, nothing critical. nothing earth shattering.

learned how to work the Sonic VCD program and the Lightscribe, very kewl stuff.

KAtins Menu:
breakfast: eggs, salsa, cheese, coffee
lunch: broccoli, cheese, chicken, crystal light
dinner: broccoli, cheese, chicken, crystal light
snack: strawberry protien shake.

Could I BE anymore moody?

let's recap:

work like a dawg. that is a good thing.

weight loss progress. that is a good thing.

what happened?

I spent 14 hours working in Huntsville (75 mile drive one way) on Tuesday for a toddler classroom shoot and delivery and orders for a prek (26 students)

Wednesday, woke up in a mood, not sleeping well, figure it is allergies, strip down all the beds in the house, down to bare mattresses, and wash every blanket, every sheet, every comforter in the house in hot water. I had to get to two doctors appointments, wait until 1245 for UPS and FedEx to show up with my deliveries, get the 2 HUGE computer box up to the office to start acclimating as well as crack open the ACI boxes full of pictures and redistribute to boxes
I try to make Mac n Cheez for the 4 year old and we did good up to a point. he filled the sauce pan with water, he got out the box of mac n chez, I got the stove on, I got the water boiling, I pour in the noodles, I stir, I set the timer for 7 minutes, the phone rings and we are screwed. it burnt like a 4 alarm fire, the boy got cantaloupe, yogurt and string cheese
I have to get to the school by 1 pm to volunteer for two hours, forgot to empty out all the stuff from the shoot Tuesday (4 foot wooden bridge with double railings, 8'x9' roll of Astroturf, two magnolia bushes, two sets of ferns and greenery, 10 lbs of polished river rock, background supports, 10'x20' muslin, two alien bees, and umbrellas, and camera bag, file box with order forms, picture envelopes, and samples.
load in car seats and 4 year old. by 3 pm after the school, I had to pick up the 6 year old, run home and box up 4 orders to ship out in time for mothers day, before FedEx closed at 4, couldn't get FedEx website to work, still stressing over the doctors appointments, tried to go to USPS and click and ship, but they quote first class, but refuse to print a first class label, insist on priority only, so made OLD FASHION label, slap it on, and tape it down

specifically told 6 year old not to leave the house so that he would be there to leave for shipping. he is gone. LUCKILY daughter showed up, whining that she wants me to call the doctor to get new prescription for inhaler for her asthma. I meanwhile can not find my car keys. I am so frustrated I can not see straight. she is 20, surely she can figure out to call the pharmacy and have them call the doctor, but NOOooo she is too clueless for that. I am jumping in the car, hoping I can get to the post office, which is 10 minutes away, doctor #1 which is 30 minutes away and doctor #2 which is 30 minutes from there, all by 5:15 pm. I am backing out of the garage and even before I get in the car I notice the BIG FAT BLACK FORD FULL SIZE F150 on her side of the driveway. I back out (no gas, just took my foot off the brake and drift out) and CRUNCH! strange grinding sound, like stepping on a pop can. I am mystified for 8 seconds and then I occurs to me, FLIPPING FAT FORD. I sigh, I put it in drive and pull forward.

I get out with a sinking feeling. yep, I have toasted the driver rear quarter panel. the paint is gone, the side is crushed, the only good thing is that the door is fine and the gas tank door is fine. the car still has 13,000 miles of warranty, but this is not COVERED. I get to the post office, I get to the kiosk, and get all the labels on my boxes, put the first one in an can not the door to the bin to open again for the other three boxes, people think that I am nuts, finally someone (actually a good friend) suggests that I just drop the box off at the window before I loose it. ;) and then she had the nerve to dash out of the building before I snapped at her.

I call doctor #1, she has already sent my files to doctor #2 so I do not have to go there, I go straight to doctor #2 and that is the one that I am dreading. I get on the scales and unfortunately, I have lost 19 lbs) the goal was 6. so I am officially cleared for surgery. I am wigging inside about this. I change my mind 100 times a day. I should be able to do it on my own. I should not do this. I can not do it on my own, I should do this before I am another 100 lbs further down the hole. I am so sick of everything every day being about what I can and can not eat. Getting furious over every little thing and so stressed that I get neasiated before I cook every meal and avoid cooking like the plague. that is a really bad thing.

I really just can not take the stress anymore. I do not want to make one more food choice, ever.

KAtkins menu:
breakfast: protein shake, coffee
lunch: grilled chicken salad, tea
dinner: I give up
late night snack: bowl of broccoli, shredded cheese, chicken, sweet and sour sauce.

exersize: rode my bike 1/2 a mile, cleaned out the garage, pitched a hissy fit

Pouty Face *Idontwanna*

today I am in a mood. Yesterday I was stressed but today it is a MOOD. I have been stressing about work and the endorphins have been running mad. today is a little less stressful today. I have still plenty of work to do, but the 'crisis' is less. I spent HOURS working on my 'daycare preschool' workflow yesterday and that was exhausting as well as processing a session from Saturday. I still have 4 sessions from Sunday and 2 from Tuesday to process and upload to an online gallery.

got on the scales today and that was an improvement. down another 3 pounds from the lowest I have been in the last 2 weeks. so overall that should make me happy. on some levels it does, but for the most part, I just want to say 'whatever' it will go back up by the end of the day, it is a never ending battle. my back hurts from the stress. my body has not 'felt right' for a couple of days. I just have too much anxiety lately. need a few more deep cleansing breaths.

today is supposed to be the day I get medical clearance from my medical doctor, weigh in with the gastric doctor. volunteer for two hours at the elementary school, accept delivery of my new work computer so that I can process a batch of raw files without it crashing every 50th image. I am so getting sick of that. this will be my first very new, never used before computer since 1992. all the other ones since have been free hand-me-downs from someone that has upgraded to something new, in other words 3-5 year old technology. I would be nearly giddy if I were not in a MOOD.

KAtkins Menu:

breakfast: scrambled eggs, mozzarella cheese, coffee with shot of vanilla

lunch: grilled chicken salad, ice tea, shot of vanilla

dinner: romaine lettuce, smoked turkey, mozzarella cheese, all rolled up into lettuce wraps, 1/2 cup sugar free white chocolate pudding, 1/2 can of chocolate carbwise shake and 1/2 can of shaved ice, puréed

exercise: packed up full Limited Edition photography set with a bridge, packed in car, unpacked, set up, shoot for 1 hour, broke down, packed back in car, back breaking work. don't even talk to me.

404

Error returned when a server cannot find the requested page.

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I websurfed, weak and weary,

Over many a strange and spurious website of 'hot chicks galore',

While I clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning,

And my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour.

"'Tis not possible," I muttered, "give me back my cheap hardcore!"

Quoth the server, "404".

Yo Yo, UP down UP down

what was quick and dirty in the beginning is dwindling and slow now. granted, the first few pounds are always lots of water, now is the HARD part. there is still a 5 lb fluxuation throughout the day that can just KILL the motivation, even though I KNOW that it is normal. I KNOW I should only weight once a week, instead of 3 - 4 times a day but I keep hoping that a drop in the scale will give me a lift in the motivation. so far it is not.

what I want is to just stop. I want food that is yummy. food that I like. I hate walking through the store and seeing food that I like and would like to eat. I want a sandwhich, I want a taco, I want an apple or banana. this is so frustrating. the first 5 lbs were a cakewalk, the next 10 lbs were harder but still fairly doable. now it is minicule ounce by ounce progress.

work keeps me distracted, but then again, I am also spending more and more time in front of the computer instead of exersizing or cooking proper food. I just do not want to think about it right now.

I have completed the blood work, the EKG, the Gall Bladder UltraSound, the Upper GI, the physical exam. all that is left is Medical Clearance and weigh in on May 10th. Have personally slotted May 31th for surgery that would allow 3 weeks medical supervision for recovery, and then an additional 6 weeks for low stress resting. Back to work August 15th. Part of me is so 'logical' about it and part of me is just screaming inside. But this last stall in progress on my own and my daily bouts of resistance are probably pushing my 'will power' to it's limit. I can do anything for 90 days and then I just can't do it anymore.

KAtins Menu:

breakfast: scrambled eggs, mozzarella cheese, smoked salmon, bacon, french vanilla chocolate velvet coffee
lunch: baby asparagus, mozzarella cheese, chicken breast
snack: Pria (2 g carb) bar
dinner: two rainbow trout, zuchini & yellow squash

Exersize: trip to the store, heehee

Oh My Aching Back

My life. *sigh* my life.

can't seem to get a good night sleep on the bed, it is 10 years old and worn out at best. I am exhausted before I get out of bed in the morning. Does not help that I have been woken up by 6 am the last four mornings in a row. Drove 435 miles in two says to get some pictures down, some promotion going, and general business, not nearly as much fun as just road tripping.

As for my professional career, that is going well, it was in a downward spiral the last four months, but this month has been much improved, and now I am actually busier than a one legged man in a butt kicking contest. I am only making one appointment a day, by choice and that is just about right for work load.

KAtkins menu:

breakfast: eggs, turkey sausage, coffee
lunch: protein bar
dinner: shrimp cocktail, artichoke, yellow squash, zucchini squash, bok choy, portabello mushroom, mozzarella cheese, water

Exersize:
elevated heart rate from stress should count for something!

Teeder Todder

I have been working my tail off, got into a row with dh. My portable computer DIED on the plane home. My desktop is crapping out, and he says, you break every computer you have ever had. HELLO. How could I break a desktop? It just sits here, I do not kick it, knock it, or anything, I just WORK on it. I can not help it if the stuff I do is extremely graphically intensive and the processor doesn’t have the power to do it. I need more power. I asked him to look at it, he said that he could not DO ANYTHING. So I asked him how old the computer was that I INHEREITED from him. He said 6 years, and how old is the new computer he has? 4 years, and why can I not have his since he has a laptop from work. He got pretty miffy with me. I nearly cried, he is such a butt. He kept saying I had to buy my own. Tthhbbb~~

So I calmly walked away and read a book. He decided to work on my desktop and tweaked it a little. Defragged the c drive and it is working better. He can be such a boob. I have been so worried about finances that I have seriously considered canceling my tummy surgery.
1-we have termites, that is $1000
2-the desktop has issues, that is $1300
3- the dentist says that the crown and 5 fillings will be $875
4-the pharmacy says that the three month Rx will be $120
5-tummy $2000-2500
I do not understand why so many things have to go wrong at once. ;)
I keep telling myself that if I can do this well (-18 lbs in 40 days) then why not just keep at it. it is all just a matter of will power.

KAtkins Menu:
32 oz crystal light
breakfast: 4 eggs, mozzarella, picante sauce, 24 oz coffee (Louetta Blend + almond extract)
lunch: turkey strips, mazzarella, romaine, cabbage, olives, celery, carb free dressing, 32 oz crystal light
dinner:

Exersize:
4 miles at 10 mph on bike to store for some groceries

Progress

recent weight has continued to decrease, giving me a false sense of my ability to continue to do this on my own. after all, we are only talking about another 250 days at this rate and I would be fine right? what is another 250 days? oh that is right... just enough time for me to loose my patience and give up again.

movement... I dont wanna move. I am too tired to move. I could not get the motivation to leave the house if I wanted to. I was doing great friday and saturday, and then SUNDAY I just bombed out. I was really doing great up until then... working out in the sunshine, flying high, and then I just crashed sunday morning, I had utilized all my resources and I was crashed and burned again. may be the barometric pressure, feels too cloudy and icky out. I hate being a weather slut, constantly controled by it.

KAtkins Menu:
20 oz water
breakfast: scrambled eggs (3), mozzarella cheese, 24 oz coffee
lunch: salad: romaine, celery, and cabbage with portabello mushrooms, turkey, mozzarella cheese and dressing (in order of portions as well. 32 oz crystal light
dinner: chicken strips, salad, asparagus, 16 oz crystal light
salt and vinegar pork rinds, 16 oz crystal light


motivation: not today. maybe a new computer since my crashes every other hour expecially when I am WORKING!!

Going Under

2 Weeks Notice...

what can happen in two weeks? well flying over Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, Utah, and Idaho. eating out for 42 meals, walking 25 miles, soaking for 30 minutes in a jacuzzi, spending WAAAY too much money, watching way too many movies (list to follow), and crashing one portable hard drive.

progress, another 4 lbs gone, there were days that I wanted to just go eat some cake, but I curbed and had some 1 - 3 net carb items. and while I didnt loose any weight those two weeks, I didnt gain, so I am still qualified for the surgery. I have been approved by the insurance and so we are a 'go' I will called tomorrow and start the next round of goodies.

the difficult part that I have learned about me in the last two weeks is that I have a low frustration level. when I am with people and in a 'herd' I am fine and can resist the carbs, but as soon as I am alone and lonely, then I am craving companionship of carbs. this was not easy to face. I do not like to see myself as insecure. this week I watched the show on Discovery Health/TLC the 657 lb woman. wow, that was 'enlightening', I can see that she is a social person, every time they sent her home from the hospital, she would 'have an emergency' and need to be readmitted. she lost 200 lbs in 4 months, and is happier, but still not 'there' as far as physcological healing. she was disappointed that some fat was not removed during surgery. she didn't appear to have had any education on liquid diet after surgery, or vits. that seems sad.

as for me, I am still trudging along:
KAtkins Menu:

breakfast: scrambled eggs, picante sauce, mozzarella cheese, carb select 2 gram protein bar
lunch: broccoli salad, tossed green salad, cream of broccoli soup, water, Coke Zero
dinner: Walleye Pike, Halibut, asparagus

excersize: grocery shopping, post office, fish market, errands counts right?

Do a Little Dance, Make a little Love, Get down tonight

got back on the scales, and booyah, back down to 263, where I was before the Carb-fest. feeling up, getting excited about trip. bought some new jammies, wheeee. if it is not comfort food, then it is comfort shopping. okay, so I have ISSUES. ;-) anyhing worth doing is worth doing to excess!

got my shower, washed my hair, read two books to Erik's class (kindergartners) and then off to the store for some supplies. low carb snacks for the plane.

KAtins Menu:
breakfast: chicken tenders, fried eggs, coffee, 8 oz of low carb milk like substance (severely diluted milk) to get the 'rotorooter' rocking
lunch: advantage bar, turkey sausage, wilted cabbage, water
dinner: yellow crook neck squash, zucchini, chicken tenders

exersize, tthhbb~

Some Relief

I actually feel better now that the rain has started. my head and body are sort of numb from the constant pain in the last 48 hours, but over all, the barametric pressure change and rain is a blessed relief.

I updated all my finances, have all my online accounts current. I will start packing for my trip, need to take all my marketing samples so that I can put together my 'plan'. I finally got my websites back up, the DNS redirected, all is looking good. need to log onto the portable and update everything, and back up some more images off from the desktop so that I have my images with me.

DD#2 is on the diet with me, having a hard time of it, but is going to try.

KAtkins Menu
breakfast: eggs, turkey sasauge, coffee
lunch; cod, asparagus, water
dinner

exersize:
not today, feels like my arches have fallen.

Aches & Pains

the weather is changing and I feel WRETCHED. my liver is throbbing, not enough water, my ankles are swollen, not enough water, and my overall condition is YUCKY. there must be a weather pattern coming in, every square inch below the head hurt until 6 pm and then that was NOTHING compared to the headache that came on! 4 Advil Gel's and a cup of water and vertical for 4 hours saved me.

KAtkins Menu:
breakfast: Atkins bar
lunch: turkey sausage links, eggs, picante sauce, coffee
2 Atkins bars
dinner: Vanilla Atkins Shake with 12 oz of crushed ice

Exersize:
walked around the park with the boys, taking photos

FAILURE!

I was fantastic for 13 days, and then I went out in PUBLIC and day one was a fudge, day to was a blatant fall from grace and would you believe that in those two days I gained back all that I had lost in 7 days?

I still feel wretched. my body is b#(%@ slapping me all day today. ewh. icky feeling.

sulking away to eat my fish, broccoli and romaine.

KATkins menu:
breakfast: 1 new york steak, 2 eggs, 1 coffee
lunch: chicken, ice berg letuce, tea
dinner: monk fish, broccoli, romaine hearts

Exersize:
Moping (pouting)

Back on the Wagon

while it was just bread and ice cream yesterday, if might as well have been meth and cocaine, the guilt is the same. today is remorse and a determination to find balance and harmony, in food consumption, in business development, in travel commitments, in all things.

going to take my camera and go out to the botanical gardens, and shoot for fun and find some inner peace. I may start scheduling more outings like this.

KAtkins Menu:
breakfast: scrambled eggs, coffee
lunch: boiled eggs, turkey, water
dinner: beef, broccoli

Exersize:
walked 3 miles s*l*o*w*l*y

bad bad bad bad bad bad grrl

very very difficult day. extremely high stress and emotionally charged.

solution: high carb intake. guilt, more carbs, guilt, more carbs, overwhelming urge to upchuck, and lots of remorse. back carb crash.

soul searching quest how to live in a carbfest world with giant portions and comfort food. dealing with resturants with huge portions, pushing the plate away during emotionally charged eating, making good choices when feeling emotionally vulnerable is going to be a hard challenge.

Solution: *ha* yeah, like I have a solution, tthhbbb~~ I do not have any answers, I am winging it and flying by the seat of my pants!

KAtins Menu:
breakfast: sun dried tomato bread, coffee
lunch: spinach salad with chicken, water
dinner: shrimp scampi, brocholi, cheese toast, ice tea, ice cream

Exersize:
walked some, sat some, moved some, took some photos

Wwheeeeeee

Super duper stressed, friends coming in from out of town, entertaining colleagues, lunches, dinners, lots of eating out, making a good impression. my heart is skipping a beat, I am maintaining my calm.

morning: shower, hair, breakfast, get the boy dressed and ready, make up an information packet for guest, gather up package for client to ship, run to Home Depot, rush to the airport. I would forget my head if it was not glued on!

afternoon: run through walmart for krys to pick up some different shoes, run to the tea room, closed, change of plans, find parking at alternate resturant, eat, window shop in Old Town Spring, run guest through Eskimo Hut (big giggle) run home, try to disengage the boy, he is freaking. run guest to motel, they messed up reservation, get everything settled. call to confirm dinner reservations.

evening: great dinner, 7 guests, just a great visit. absolutely best time talking shop about cameras and photography business. processes and procedures.

KAtkins menu:
breakfast: chicken tenders, eggs, picante sauce, coffee
lunch: salad, ice tea
dinner: chicken tenders, salad, grilled salmon, ice tea

exersize:
walked for 2 hours.

ME, Me, me, all about meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

okay, so somedays it is and some days it is not. today, I was in a great mood, perky, chipper, had my breakfast, was still perky, chipper, did some cleaning in the office, decluttering mostly, a little printing, less chipper, less 'happy', less perky. now after being up for 3 hours, I am not perky or chipper. I am not hungry, so that is okay. I did some charting of where my weight is at (-12 lbs in 14 days, made a nice graph, printed and taped it up. THAT should make me happy, but it was only for a few minutes. now the jitters are kicking in. may have some chamomile tea to slow things down.

I have a TON of work, including putting together a display of 'who Barefoot Creations' really is. meeting with a colleague tomorrow for her insight. my heart is stressing about 'my business', I do not know WHO I am. I have lost my focus during this diet process. I spend too much time 'reflecting' and not enough time 'living'. I have to run to Home Depot to day to get parts to rebuild the toilets, EVERY FREAKING YEAR, I hate this, it is all the crap in the water, it destroys the toilets and I am sick of it.

before dinner, ran to walmart and got manicure, pedicure and face wax, feel very nice. ;) great experience and very relaxing.

KAtkins Menu:

• breakfast: eggs, medallion sirloin steak, mushrooms, onions, water, coffee
• lunch: turkey, romaine hearts, water
  
• dinner: turkey, broccoli, water
  

Exersize: lots of household chores.

Heart Flutters

I have been taking it easy this week, my inside house chores are keeping me pretty occupied, I am having a party here this weekend and so am doing the DEEP SPRING CLEANING, getting everything nice and clean, washing all the curtains, stuff like that.

I keep getting 'heart jitters' this week. tiny panic attacks, my mom recommended chamomile tea to calm me down. ;-) it is on my list of things to do if I can just convince myself to LEAVE the house. I went out Sunday, for an hour, but for the most part, I have not been out since last teusday. I just do not want to 'see' people right now, too hard on my nerves. I just think about it and I feel a horrible tingle go up my spine, and my heart starts beating irratically.

You know, for some reason, I look around and think that I am not doing enough, it takes me forever to get something done, but I just keep pushing and pushing and pushing, I got the kitchen done in 30 minutes today, I mean, REALLY!!! how can it take 30 minutes to empty and load the dishwasher, and wipe down the counters? gracious. I still need to vacuum the downstairs, but that shouldn't take too long. I did get my bed made, and the bathroom sinks scoured, but still, it just seems like a MONUMENTAL TASK UNDERTAKING to do that, I swear, I was so exhausted after dumping the bathroom trash from two bathrooms yesterday, you would have thought that I just did 3 hours of lawn work outside.

I HATE THIS FEELING!! Helpless and Hopeless. I had more energy 3 years ago before I started taking the drugs that the Dr prescribed for the lack of energy. now granted this second, I am probably suffering from not having had a coffee this morning with breakfast, so if I go done and make one of those, spend 30 minutes meditating (staring out the back window) I will be able to go another 2 hours. it is like that. lots of short relays, no long distance staying power.

KAtkins Menu:

• breakfast: sirloin steak, scrambled eggs, water, coffee
  
• lunch: pork loin, zuchini, water
  
• dinner: Lamb chops, steamed broccoli, smoked salmon
  

Exersize:
errands, shopping at costco, grocery shopping

Monday Madness

day 10 of Turbo Tykes Spring Break. he is dreading going back to school, but he is such a social creature. I puttered on the computer most of the day, or sitting in my chair staring out the window enjoying the peace from the green of spring. spend lots of time worrying about the business, my health, new projects about the house, and th upcoming activities the next 4 weeks.

KAtkins Menu:

• breakfast: eggs, medallion sirloin steak, coffee
• lunch: pork, mixed salad greens, mushrooms, hard boiled eggs, zucchini
• dinner: chicken, asparagus, water
  

Exersize: lots of household chores.

Porch Swing??

okay, mood swings again. left, right, up, down, feels like I am no a Teeter Totter. I was super tired, so I ate breakfast late, really felt neasiated this afternoon, so delayed lunch til dinner time, will pick up dinner before bedtime, but I just do not 'feel' great. my tongue feels like it has been rubbed with 80 grit sand paper. all the food tastes like cardboard and is as easy to chew as OSB (oriented strand board). this SUCKS. food should have flavor, taste like SOMETHING. the beef tastes like nothing, the pork tastes like nothing, the chicken tastes like soft nothing. blech.

I have no motivation for anything, I have cooked more in the last 8 days than I have in the last 8 months, and I do not enjoy cooking. I can not envision living like this for 6 months. I miss having food that actually tastes. now I am not one to drown my food in sauces, I never use steak sauce on my steaks, I never get dipping sauces for anything, just ask at the local Chick-fil-A, I don't even get katsup for my fries when I did get them. as Krys would say, everything taste's like ass.

KAtkins Menu:

• breakfast: eggs, medallion sirloin steak, coffee
• lunch: chicken strips, mushrooms, asparagus, italian seasoning, seasoning salt, ice mint tea
• dinner: cod, lemon pepper, slivered garlic, romaine hearts, ice mint tea

Exersize: my back is killing me, must have slept wrong.

Doldrums

I feel like a clipper ship floating in the doldrums, no wind filling my sails, just drifting around, waiting for the current or the wind to blow me back on course.

I puttered through the house, spot cleaning, dusting here, sweeping there. prodded the boys to clean up the toy room, more like screamed and yelled. they were testing my patience. fussing over the taxes, fussing over spring house 'project' and financing that. worrying over financing 1 trip to europe for BIL wedding (just dh and ds going) and financing three trips to washington (10 weeks total) as well as other projects, going to be an expensive year. I really need to get 'motivated' in the photography, course a phone call scheduling an appointment would help that.

KAtkins Menu:

• breakfast medallion sirloin steaks, eggs, picante sauce
• lunch: baked acorn squash, coffee
• dinner: baked acorn squash, stir fried chicken & green cabbage, ice tea, ice tea

Exersize:
tthhhbb~~

TGIF

I didnt call anyone yesterday, dd#2 came over and we watched a movie, how to lose a guy in 10 days, pretty funny. she wanted to negotiate an allowance for the next 6 months, ;-), pretty funny, you can not get them to do chores when they live at home, but now with her own house, working, supporting a dog, cat, and whatnot, she has had a come to jesus, and is back. snicker. not that this is any 'surpize', I did it when I was her age. nothing changes, the world keeps spinning.

I have a bunch of branches and dead vines in the back yard but I couldnt get her to start with that, she said it was to stickery. tthbb. I will tackle it today, I need to get 'outside' anyways and get some 'exersize', was going bike riding, but I am not up to that and the yard needs attention anyways.

My mood is okay today. had a rowl with the neighbor last night over water rights. I was rinsing a muslin backdrop that I had made/dyed. my hose was around back, hers was 'right there', suffice to say that she 'WIGGED' that I was using about 5 gallons of her water without permission. I offered $5 for her trouble. she screamed fine. I gave her $10, she wigged again. I swear. I ended up in a crying jag for the better part of the night. I would never in a million years begrudge anyone water, electricity, or anything if I had it. she said that I was incrediably rude not to walk over, knock and ask. I guess I was. but I should wouldn't want someone to 'bug me' when I am working or whatnot to ask for some water. gracious. just get it and be done with it. ;-)

Spring is definately here, beautiful 73'F and the leaves are out or near out on all the trees. I really want to get the yard spiffed up, and thereby increase my mood quotent. I just need some volunteers to 'help me', mostly it is the comensuration quotent that I need.

KAtkins menu:
breakfast: scrambled eggs, picante sauce, coffee
peppermint ice tea
lunch: fried cod with lemon pepper, sauteed brussel sprouts with salt & pepper
dinner: baked halibut, steamed yellow squash, steamed broccoli

Exersize:
for instance: today (1 hour of chores):
roll up old branches in back yard with twine, sit down until heart stops POUNDING in my throat twice during rolling.
drag branch roll to front yard for trash pick up, sit down until heart stops POUNDING in my throat.
break down canopy swing, into three pieces, haul from back yard to front yard for dd#2 to pick up, sit down until heart stops POUNDING in my throat BETWEEN EACH TRIP.
move 6 potted plants from back patio to side of house (under kitchen window), sit down until heart stops POUNDING in my throat between every two pots.

Jet Fuel

I am so 'down' I need some 'energy'. I do not 'bounce' out of bed, ready to take on the day. I sort of lumber. I have no motivation to work today. to find my socks or even to brush my hair. I am sure I will after a while. I wish I had a personal whatever to keep me 'up' or at least to make me breakfast, :-P

I think I will call one of my daughters 'friends' to come over and perk me up. Spring is here, everything is green and I just want to go back to sleep. blech. could be that I forgot to take my meds last night, so I took them this morning on an empty tummy, now I feel yucky.

I need a smile:

***WARNING***: the following joke does contain an adult theme.

Two friends, Fred and Harry were golfing one fine day. Toward the end of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods.
Harry, laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond where Fred has hit his. Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball. Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch smashing the weeds to pieces. All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?! Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life... better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life..... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" Then POOF!...she was gone. After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Harry!....Harry!...where are you?"

Harry yells, "I hit my ball in these damn pussywillows!"

Fred screams back....."DON'T SWING! FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T SWING!

KAtkins Menu:

• Breakfast: eggs, picante sauce, coffee
• Lunch: chicken strips, canola oil, green cabbage, seasoning salt, garlic powder, peppermint ice tea
• Dinner: pork loin with garlic powder & seasoning salt, brussel sprouts with salt & pepper, asparagus with soy sauce, romaine hearts, tuna

Exersize: bucket dyed a 15 yard muslin backdrop by hand, lots of housework

When to fish, When not to fish

fish for breakfast is not a good thing, esp smoked salmon, it bubbles up with each belch.. blech.
fish for dinner is not a good thing, it digests too fast and 2.5 hours later, your hungry again. grr
fish for lunch is pretty good. goes down easy, you know you have another meal in sight, life is good.

KAt-kins Daily Menu:

• Breakfast: eggs, picante sauce, butternut squash, Coffee
• Lunch: cod fillet, lemon pepper, canola oil, asparagus fried, cajun seasonings. peppermint decaf ice tea
• Dinner: pork loin, green cabbage, yellow squash

Exersize:
Peddled, pulling trailer to the market to get dinner fixin's, 4 miles.Walked 1 hour through costco, more self deprivation than exersize.

Icky feeling

food taste 'icky' I am so bored with the concept of what to eat, when to eat, how to prepare what to eat, when to eat, and what to eat. blech.

went with the kids to a deli for an meeting, just ordered water, I found my self feeling irritated that I had one option, grilled chicken salad. *sigh* this is not a picnic. I do not like this. I feel like sitting down, and banging my heels, making a fist and screaming my head off like a 2 year old.

breakfast was a little overkill, prepared 2x enough, went ahead and ate it since it was predominantly lettuce. lunch, I prepared a 1.5x enough and ate 1/2, so by dinner, I was not really interested, so I prepared 1x and ate the veggies and skipped the meat.

my stomach feels all knarly and icky.

KAtkins Menu:

• breakfast: romaine heart, yellow squash, celery, chicken, coffee, water
• lunch: surloin steak and grilled cauliflower
• dinner butternut squash and boneless center cut pork loin, water

Exersize:
daily chores

Over hill and dale

pushing one self is a PITA. I didnt want to keep a guest appointment at my house, so I opted to meet at the park. sounds good so far right? I thought, this would be a good time to 'get some exersize', it is only 1 mile away, I could peddle right? this idea is getting better and better right? well....

the kids always get hungry, so I pack them pbj, oranges, bananas, water. for me, I pack my katkins lunch, and off we go. first off, I am tired before we get out of the subdivision. once we are crossing the major thoroughfare, we nearly get clobbered by some SUV driving momma from hell, she actually passes me on the right, (I am keeping mini me between me and the curb in the turn lane, and turbo tyke is right behind me on his bike) and she screams at me that I am endangering my kids by taking them riding, HELLO, she is passing me and then cutting in front of me and TALKING to me when she is driving and I am peddling. then she just cuts me off, pulls right in front of me, and stops to turn, after all, I was IN HER WAY. I swear.

so we peddle along, make it to the park (like I said, it was one mile and all but .1 was on quiet side and back streets, and we set out our picnic lunch, the kids nibble, but run and play, my friend shows up and her kids run and play, it was great for the standard issue 25 minutes and then there is a sand altercation between my 6 yo and her 7 yo, so I rally them to pack and ride to the next park. about .5 miles away at the school. off we go. we have fun at that park for .5 hours and then, the 6 yo made the 7 yo upset about the 7 yo play gun. *sigh* pack up and I wanna to home, but I am begged, pleaded, cajoled to keep my plan of going to the grocery store 1.5 miles in the other direction. fine. we peddled to the friends house and the kids start terrorizing in a happy way. fine. I rest (breathing like a horse after running the Kentucky Derby) for .5 hours. then I leave my two off spring with her three off spring and I run to the store to get a few necessities, unlocking my bike, call the dh to say, I got the groceries. and he says, oh but you need to get x,y,z. FINE. I lock the bike back up, go back in and get them. back out, again, (I need the walking, right?) and peddle over the fetch offspring. sit down to catch my breath, AGAIN. and here comes 6 yo with garden hose (in March) drowning my 4 yo and her 4 yo. gracious. we rescue the toddlers, chastise the big kids, and change the kids into dry clothes, and start home. I huff, I puff, I blow my self home. 30 minutes to go 2 miles, but I am EXHAUSTED. 6 miles total. tthhbbb

KAtkins menu:

• breakfast; chicken breast, zuccini, green cabbage, coffee
• lunch: eggs, romain heart, celery, tuna in spring water, lemon water
• dinner: cast iron baked cod

exersize
6 miles on bike

KAtkins

I do not like green eggs and ham, I would rather eat pancakes and toast.
I do not like this, Sam I am
if someone gave me a cookie, I would eat it here or there, I would eat it ANYWHERE.

My stomach alternates between over sated, and just irritable, I am just not used to so much meat, for the last 4 years, I have had a diet of 6 oz of fish a week and 6 oz of chicken, now I have consumed more meat in 48 hours than I have in 48 days. ;-)
at times I find myself psychologically hungry, but know that my tummy is just barely digesting the last monster meat-fest. have had to include a couple of peptobismo tablets periodically to calm it down.
I am dealing with the carb-a-holic headache. pretty bad. the cup of coffee did not help. took a nap, avoided the headache for a couple of hours.

KAt-kins Daily Menu:

• Breakfast: New York Strip Steak, lemon pepper, garlic and onion salt, romaine heart. egg omlete, picante sauce, coffee
• Lunch: chicken breast, lemon pepper, zucchini, green cabbage, lemon water
• Dinner: cast iron seared boneless center cut pork loin seasoned with with cajun seasonings, 3 minute grilled zucchini and 1/4 head green cabbage chopped course and microwaved for 3 minutes. washed down with lemon water, 1 tablespoon per 20 oz of ice water.
• late night snack: 2 plain eggs, scrambled, 20 oz lemon water

Exersize:
Peddled, pulling trailer to the market to get dinner fixin's, 4 miles.
Walked 1 hour through costco, more self deprivation than exersize.

Next Chapter

Once more I find myself saying to myself;

This is IT, This time It will work, I have had ENOUGH.

This is the last diet, the last time. I do not know if I will succeed, but I have to try. I have been 'watching my weight' slowing bounce up and down, steadily climbing in 10lb increments since 1984, and after 22 years, I have found that I am hampered both physically as well as mentally by the shell out side of my soul.

KAt-kins Daily Menu:

• breakfast: baby spinache, eggs, smoked salmon, coffee
• lunch: steamed asparagus, boneless, chicken breast, cajun spices, organic chicken brothe, water
• dinner: Monkfish, baby spinach, broccoli, water, water
  

Exersize:
Peddled, with kids to the park, 2 miles.

Bring Me To Life

Music Video Code by Video Code Zone

Day one of Week from Hell

Doctor visit to see how I am doing. I am not doing well at all. my health is in a downward skid. the weight has skyrocketed. In October it was 242, in December it was 252, February 262, and now it has jumped to 275. Triglycerides are 239 H mg/dL out of a possible 0 - 149, NOT good, I am practically a SOLID. Cholesterol total: 220 out of a possible 100-199, the HDL is okay, 44 (40-59 range normal) and the LDL is (whoa) 128 (0 - 99) oops and VLDL is 48 (5 - 40) aslo not a good thing. rats.

other than that, nothing is wrong with me, even my blood pressure was great, 110/70. temperature perfect, 98.6. just feeling icky and stiff. and did I mention running hot or cold all the time. I either need a blanket or air conditioning on. ;)

I went back on Wednesday and that was not any better, and back on Friday and got the news that one more diet, lifestyle change, FINE. ;-(

Corona Party

Worst Personal Photo on Record

nice party platters

Please notice how they placed boxes at different heights, draped with fabric, and the placed the serving plates and chaffing dishes, sprinkling rose petals and berry sprays. The back lights, are Christmas lights stapled and draped behind shears stapled to the wall.

Everybody's Fool

Music Video:EVERYBODY'S FOOL (by Evanescence)

Music Video Code provided by VideoCodeZone.Com