Moody

I am 1 year post op. I am below goal and stable.

my husband loves me. my kids love me. my customers love me.

so while I am not unhappy, I am not enjoying my work. this is work that I do because I LOVE it.

I left the rat race years ago and have been living my dream, doing what I love to do. I am a child photographer.

my favorite subject is babies and I have a new grandbaby and I do not even want to take his picture. that is so not like me.

I made an appointment with my PCP and she says that I look great and can find nothing to complain about.

my surgeon went out of business last month, so I am locating a new one. found one that is 10 miles away, I am waiting for the surgeon to call me back to schedule appointment.

I called the lab to schedule my labs, they have not called me back. grrr I am starting to think that everyone else in a 12 mile radius has the same low motivation this month that I do. ;)

I do not think that I am low on anything, I eat most of my protein, I take most of my vitamins, I drink most of my fluids, and I am getting enough sleep most of the time.

My neighbors are truly getting on my nerves, my customers are fine, my kids are wearing thin as well to some degree. but the main escape with work should be giving me the most pleasure is giving the least.

talk about stress and the mood changes:

In November I was working 20 hours a day, 7 days a week.
In December I took 2 weeks off from work and spent them in a motel room with family. off and on, about 2 - 5 family members a day were 'gathered around' and for the most part it was not too stressful, about a 4-6 out of 10 each day.
In January, I had a daughter get married, we had to buy the dress 7 days before the wedding, I cooked all the goodies for the reception (150 guests) and did all the arranging and had out of town guests in the driveway and from the airport, and it was hectic, the bridal shower was the day before, the wedding and 'dry' reception the day of, a second 'wet' reception to follow, then the gifts and saying goodbye to some family, and trips downtown, and to the airport, it was just chaos.
February was the renovation of my daughter's spare bedroom for the new baby that arrived valentines day, and renovating a used blazer for her when it was obvious that the 'vw bug' would not work with a new born and carseat.
March was the start of DayCare Season, 25 - 40 kids ages 4 weeks to 5 years each day and my mother insisted that I drive daughter, and grandson to alabama over a weekend for a 5 generation family picture for the newspaper. we had a big ol barbque and then back home (24 hours of driving) to get back to work
April and May were more photography work, LOTS more. and there is the end of school year broohaha at the elementary school for my two sons (Kindergarten and 1st grade)

I know that some or part is just the stress of being a mom of 5 kids and now 2 son in laws and 1 grandchild. I was really good the first 6 months with insisting that people take care of their own problems while I take care of me, but I have slipped back into my old ways of putting me second and them and work first.

If you Give a Mom a Muffin

If you give a mom a muffin, she'll want a cup of coffee to go with it.
She'll pour herself some. Her three-year-old will spill the coffee. She'll wipe it up.

Wiping the floor, she will find dirty socks. She'll remember she has to do laundry. When she puts the laundry in the washer, she'll trip over boots and bump into the freezer.

Bumping into the freezer will remind her she has to plan supper. She will get out a pound of hamburger. She'll look for her cookbook. (101 Things To Make With A Pound Of Hamburger.) The cookbook is sitting under a pile of mail. She will see the phone bill, which is due tomorrow.

She will look for her checkbook. The checkbook is in her purse that is being dumped out by her two-year-old. She'll smell something funny. She'll change the two-year-old.

While she is changing the two-year-old the phone will ring. Her five-year-old will answer and hang up. She'll remember that she wants to phone a friend to come for coffee. Thinking of coffee will remind her that she was going to have a cup.

She will pour herself some. And chances are, if she has a cup of coffee, her kids will have eaten the muffin that went with it.

Happy Mothers Day

A Mother's love is something
that no on can explain,
It is made of deep devotion
and of sacrifice and pain,
It is endless and unselfish
and enduring come what may
For nothing can destroy it
or take that love away . . .
It is patient and forgiving
when all others are forsaking,
And it never fails or falters
even though the heart is breaking . . .
It believes beyond believing
when the world around condemns,
And it glows with all the beauty
of the rarest, brightest gems . . .
It is far beyond defining,
it defies all explanation,
And it still remains a secret
like the mysteries of creation . . .
A many splendoured miracle
man cannot understand
And another wondrous evidence
of God's tender guiding hand.

~ Helen Steiner Rice

Jordan is 3 Months

New Day!

Dancing to my Own Beat

Day Off

THAT IS IT!

I am taking the day off. NO Photography today.

I have puttered in the yard, I have puttered in the house. but I am not going to putter with the camera.

I am EXHAUSTED.

okay, MAYBE I better call the printers and talk about folders, but THAT is all I am going to do.

and maybe read a little about the business. but I swear, I am taking the day off!!

I have been so crabby lately, that I do not want to be around me. ;(

I just need a break. the roofers were supposed to start today, but the guy didn't order the shingles. so we had workers but no shingles. I was
not amused.

I totally need to paint the hallway. and I so totally need to get the lawn mowed and the bushes trimmed. and the carpets shampooed again
(couple of accidents recently).

and I really really need to dispose of the old fax/printer/ all in one and the old monitor taking up space in the hall.

and call the insurance agent AGAIN about business insurance. and backup my PERSONAL photos.

and index my dvd's and see... I can not TAKE A DAY OFF.. I do not know how!

Passed Myself On the Freeway

I swear I was shooting a church confirmation with 21 families on Sunday in Cypress Texas, shooting a wedding in Huntsville on Monday and had an appointment at 3 pm in Klein Texas, I was going 98 mph on I45 and passed myself on the way home!

Making Healthy Choices

this month is my one year surgi-versary. and I am relatively in a good place.

15 months ago:
I started out at 275, I lost 1% or 27.5 lbs before surgery, as desired. Got used to Protein based diet. Thought it was FOREVER.

12 months ago:

I had the surgery, I moved early and quickly and followed the 'PLAN' the first 6 months, lots of lean meats and leafy green vegetables.
I stuck to three meals a day, kept my portions small and did everything that I was 'SUPPOSED' to.
I exercised and drank my fluids.

6 months ago:

I am lean and mean, and in totally adorable clothes. Ready for the weight loss to stop. Eating lots of carbohydrates and increasing caloric intake. More meals. Larger portions. Decreasing exersize to conserve calories.

Today:

I am still loosing, albeit slower rate. I have dropped below my goal, and down into my 'warning' zone.

My surgeon has quit the business. I am 'on my own' and facing making my own choices as I fly solo through the next year and phase of the 'change'.

Difficulties:

My acceptance the new body.

I have never been this size EVER. Each month I swear that I am done, that I can not loose another ounce, and I buy a new set of clothes, and then 3 weeks go by and I drop some more. I was happy at a size 10, I was okay with a size 8. I was thrilled with a size 6. I was paranoid, but strutting in a size 4. I am now freaking out and getting obsessive compulsive in a size 2. I whole heartedly do not want to be a size 2 or worse, a size 0.

Other People's Opinions:

People that count:

My husband: thinks that I am getting down to perfect. Not sure now what he thinks perfect is, but am starting to get concerned that his idea of perfect is a size 0 and that is miles from my idea of perfect. He is loving and supportive, and constantly says, 'what does the doctor think'. He has always been thin and so sees me at this juncture as normal and can not identify with my growing concern.

My daughter: thinks that I have by passed perfect and am now am too thin. She says that if I were to loose my batwings, and extra skin, that I would not be able to 'carry' the illusion that I am heavier than I really am, and that I would really appear to be to gaunt. She is on the fluffy side and trying to make good choices to get back down to a healthy weight naturally without surgery. I am trying to be supportive of her, but my food choices that are geared to gain weight which are sabotaging her efforts to loose weight.

Mother / Father / Relatives:

think that I am perfect. See nothing to gain, loose, or anything. Just take me at face value and harbor no judgment. Do not encourage me to eat more, eat less, or anything. Are just thrilled for me for the sake of being thrilled.

Acquaintances:

assume that I am still on a diet, and am restricting my food intake. I do not know how to hang a banner that says. I am done. This is a good spot. I am now eating everything normally. I do not feel that their attitude is at all ugly. They are really being supportive. I just do not like to have to 'explain' myself. Don't I look like I am done? Don't I appear that I have lost enough? Shouldn't I BE eating more?

Other WLS people (Those that have been down this path):

Of the 'active' peoples that share the same month, about 80% are not to goal. Really do not understand the problems of exceeding the goal. Do not have any empathy for the delima of stopping the weight loss.

How do I 'respond' (even in my own head) to that? There seems to be a 'underlying' goal of 'being on track' of maintaining by continuing to deny certain foods, or restricting intake. That may be my problem in 6 months, but it is not my concern today.

Because my concern today is that I do not know what the future holds. Each day I eat what I think is healthy, or what I think will give me more calories, or what I think will put me at a healthy weight and I do not know what the future holds. I do not know if the mal-absorption is working against me when I have empty calories or what. I do not have answers and so far, no one else does either.

I eat three reasonable meals a day. I focus on fiber to keep the constipation at bay. I focus on protein to keep the lean muscle loss to a minimum.

Then I have grazing / snacks between the meals that are carb-rich, calorie dense, in hopes of getting my overall calories / fat intake up. Which defies the whole point of the first 15 months of learning to eat 'protein' rich as a lifestyle. But the more I eat, the less I weigh.

I eliminate the exercise, trying to conserve what calories that I can secure. But feel guilty about that as well. It feels like a roller coaster ride, up and down, round and round, up and down, round and round. So many factors, influences, outside pressures, inside pressures. Everyone is supportive but looking to me to define where I am healthy and I do not know. I do not have answers. Because I am in uncharted territory.

What do you do when you exceed your expectations and have no road map ahead of you?

Chart Update.. one more bounce

R we Tired yet?

I am finding that it is a whole new world out there.

I am wearing strange clothes and feeling 'out of my element' now, my 21 year old daughter helps me shop, she knows that I do not want to 'dress 21' but I do want to wear clothes that 'fit' and you know that you can not trust a sales person to tell you the truth.

so

now I am wearing skorts and sleeveless and form fitting and I am getting 'checked out', yesterday I got some looks because I was wearing sandals that did not go with my dress, but my toe hurt, so I had to make do. now I know I need to pick up some 'dress' sandals' and start dressing the part of the other humans.

most of the people that I come in contact with each day do not know me. that includes the people that KNEW me before. they do not recognize me. I can stand right there and talk to them and they do not know that they have known me for 10 years. people are just weird.

I made an impression last night, I went to my son's school music recital, and I wore a DARLING black lace skirt and a tight tank top with lots of cream lace. very cute. I swear, there were 20% skinny people in the crowd and 80% fluffy people, no one gave me bad looks, just LOOKED. I kept my tummy sucked in and still felt 'fat' which is still 'from within' not without. (granted my dh, commented (not meanly) about my deflated intertube around my tummy) but he cheerfully noticed that my batwings are shrinking. so back to the topic..

MOST people talk to me the same. more people 'help' me because they think that I am too frail to pick something up. and I get a lot more acceptance from the general public than I did before surgery. I do not share that I had surgery, so I do not get any more backlash about it. my pet peeve with one lady last week was she seriously thought that I would not be able to get down a WHOLE arbys small shake. heehee took me the same amount of time as it would have a year ago. I think it goes back to high school, people will believe in us, what we believe in ourselves. if you 'believe' that you fit in, you do. it is more about 'projection' than about what others perceive.

last night I was ready to go to bed, forgot that Krys and the baby were still here and needed a ride home, stopped off at the store and got them and me some groceries, at like MIDNIGHT

today it is raining, I have to hit two banks, make a credit card payment, deposit my print payments

I really need to get my display up at the daycare with the sample images TODAY

I have already ordered a proof book for a client, and put in two daycare 'residual' orders, they should be here by friday

drive the dh to work, pick up the dd, take her to the dmv, get my self to the dr for my booboo toe and get a package off to the church for a confirmation in 10 days

I have already had my cherrios, emailed the school to locate Magnus's Field Day Tshirt that I ordered and paid for weeks ago, but did not arrive on Monday.

I have printed all the new orders and print confirmations so I am on schedule for workflow for the studio

AND I need to change out the batteries in the blazer and get that to the parts store and figure out why the battery is not getting a charge today

oh, when was my dds appt?

heehee

ttfn

oh goodness gracious

okay, no alcohol today, at least none topically, but maybe some orally

up at 7 am, on the road by 7:15 pm, in (85 miles away) College station for photography class by 9:30 am

second class at 4 pm

got a speeding ticket at 6 pm in Tomball, (next town over) on the way home, 62 mph in a 50 on a HIGHWAY. got home in time to get 7 year old to music recital at school by 6:45 pm

back home by 8 pm, and now having to call darling daughter #3 before she has dinner.

grandbaby jordan is starving to death, according to him, he has been camped out on his momma's boobie for 2 hours. ;)

have a doctor appointment about toe tomorrow.

toe booboo

my morning is now after noon... ;)

friday was horrible for me, very very stressful and I nearly broke down, fortunately, I had my daughter, and while it was not 'healthy' for her to scream her head off at me, it did help me realize that I was driving myself crazy. setting expectations that I could not meet.

I am a chronic family problem solver and I really need to take that down a notch. I can not solve all problems and I am not 'here' to do so. I do not know why I feel sucked into the problems. I need to take care of me first and that is really a big enough job all by itself.

today I am totally buzzing on my chocolate chip cookies and coffee.. I am serious, this is like really flying.. almost a happy dumping... heehee who need cocaine or heroin? sugar... sugar... sugar....

bbblllaaaahhhh

so work is going well, albeit stressful at times. making some money, but not as much as my goal.

eating is going well, albeit not as nutritious as necessary, but I am surviving and not gaining. and that is the ultimate goal right? eat to live, not live to eat.

however, my big toe is infected from a booboo that has gone awry, I hit it with hydrogen peroxide on Saturday. I used triple antibiotic ointment with hydrogen peroxide on Sunday. I soaked it in salt water today,and hit it with hydrogen peroxide and antibiotic ointment, hopefully it will get better shortly.

family is going well, albeit, totally out of control right now, that is the fly in the ointment, one daughter is going bankrupt, the other daughter is having serious marital issues, one daughter is a stark raving loon, and one son is having anger management issues.

so I get a call, dd#2 did not get in for an interview because she was 4 minutes late

she did however break down in her truck about 3 miles away, so i went over and helped her remove and replace her alternator, but that was not the only problem because we barely made it out of the parking lot and it died again, so it must be the wiring harness or the solenoid which really sucks, I hate dealing with this stuff.

tomorrow I am driving her to College Station (80 miles away for two photography modeling sessions with two different photographers.) it is great experience for us to learn how the pro's do it. just stressful to coordinate.

DS#1 has a music recital tomorrow night, so we will not be lollygagging around at the trade show, will have to get all our shopping done between the two sessions.

a former mentor caught up with me today, talked my ear off... wants me to sign up for a $250 training / certification session.. not to sure how I feel about that. seriously considering it.

if it were up to me, I would solve all problems before lunch, but I can not CONTROL other people, I can not even manipulate them as I would see fit. as a matter of fact, they are not even answering my phone calls with all my well meaning advice, which leads me to believe that they do not see that there is even a problem. so I really need to stop worrying about it and get back to my marketing at work and just let them be. other than anger management boy, and that will definitely come to a screeching halt. my sheet rock can not handle any more of his temper fits.

Your Fired!

I just fired a client today. they were a pita last year, took 4 months to order, and then 9 months to pick up order, this year they scheduled, and then were a no show, rescheduled, and stood me up a second time today. I made time in my SUNDAY schedule for them. I waited for 30 minutes on location, and then decided to fire them. if I do not take me seriously, no one else will. How is that for some cheese, crackers and whine?

last night, went out with krys to Crawfish Festival... that was KEWL... the funnel cake was the bomb but the crawfish, gave me some 'roils'. some guy said 'hey sexy' freaked me out, giggle giggle

went with Krys to Red River Dance Hall & Saloon that was just as much fun, if not more. may go back weekly now, just for some dancing. good exercise! men dress code, but not women. very strange. no pure white t-shirts for guys. how freaking weird is that? logo shirt: yes, plain: no

Krys and jason were in the usual tiff on the cell, he was drinking at HOJO's and she wanted him drinking at RedRiver. I think that he needs 5 lbs of sugar in his trucks gas tank.

a bright new day

okay, uploaded a customer's session last night and got some sleep. well sorta. a little guy banging on my door insisting on camping out in the middle of the night was the only interruption. started him on the floor, but he snuggled up at some point in the night.

I have been blogging for 7 years, which reminds, me, I should 'backup' my last months blog to my hard drive.

as for sleep, yep, as soon as I uploaded Shannon's proofs, (she gets a little miss'ish if she doesnt have a fast turnaround) :-) which I was so totally impressed with myself, what I am sure Aaron would say was a session from hell, had a remarkable number of nice shots IMO.

I have to finish proofing Amy's session, and I have a 'shoot' in 2 hours and then I will have to get back to 'ordering' I have 4 orders that I have to get to the lab.

last night was uneventful. appears that all body fluids are still intact. ;)

I am being a really good girl, I have my coffee in front of me (24 oz of fluids) and my cream of wheat (8 grams of protein) so I am off to a good start today.

my big toe is still throbbing and I am so warm now (was freezing last night) that I have opened a window in April.

3 months post wedding

I hate disappointment. I hate to be the one that creates it and REALLY hate the one that receives it.

it is so frustrating to be in a situation that you can not 'DO' anything about it. to know that resistance is futile. that you made a choice and now you have to live with the consequences.

I 'thought' that I was making a good choice at the time. I trusted someone to be there for me and when it boiled down to it. it just didnt happen.

even now, three months later, I still feel frustrated that something THAT important, that I SHOULD have taken care of myself, not let go of any control, I KNEW better. I SHOULD not have been so trusting. but I was.

now here I sit and I just am KICKING myself for being dropping the ball on one of the most important decisions that will happen in my life and I didn't make the right choice.

I know that it is my own fault, I should have resisted temptation, and just done the job myself. but I thought something else was more important. so I deviated from my normal, logical and natural position and here I am. sick with frustration and frustrated with regret.

I am the photographer in the family. me. that is just my job. but I THOUGHT I should share the day with my daughter. and BE the mother of the bride. not the party planner, not the cake decorator, not the anything else. just the mom.

fast forward to 3 months later, no professional portraits of the event. the photographer has not sent a CD. or a note. or a call. or anything.

next 24 hours

it is 10:37 pm and I should so totally call you!

here is a synopsis

got a call at 1 pm yesterday, 2 hours notice, colleague from Norway coming to visit home. oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, we tend to roam the WHOLE house with visitors, so EVERY room is possible target. I do not know HOW I got every bed made, every toy picked up, every desk straightened spotlessly, every bathroom cleaned, all dirty laundry put in laundry room, every clean piece of laundry hung up, folded up and put away, dishwasher emptied, loaded, and the entire house vacuumed, but I did. I got the stove torn apart, wiped down, and put back together, the counter tops and table scrubbed, the kitchen window cleaned, and even a shower and hair washed. but I did. the studio was a small disaster area after 3 hour session on Monday, but I got it put back together. and still put away daily print orders that arrived from printers. answer phones, answer emails, and order more prints.

Erik got furious that I threw away his 'cootie catcher', he punched a hole in the sheetrock in the stairwell

Magnus got very constipated, had to have an enema, missed the toilet with the runs, and finally sat down and pooped a mansize turd and ended up ripping so bad that he had blood trails down the back of his legs. got him his second shower of the day, and triple antibiotic on his bottom.

Erik got sick in the middle of the night, puked on his pillow, his sheets, and the carpet in his room.

Magnus woke up, tried to make to the bathroom, did not, and sprayed poop/pee on the floor, magnus has the worse case of diaper rash I have ever seen considering he has not been in diapers for 2.5 years

Sverre had to have a ride to work today, with both kids in tow, I had to finish up some prints at Costco to complete a 'display' for a new daycare, waiting from them to open, we had breakfast at Dennys

afterwards, we went to Aaron Brothers to find frames for the 10x15 collages, the boys were so out of control, that even when I found something, they would not wait on me, gave up and left without spending any money.

back to costco, bought 'stuff', dropped off at Donald Donuts, on way home, got the boys goodies, opened door to a ringing phone, my cell had been hijacked by darling daughter #2, she was at the pediatrican's office

her hubby, grandchild's darling father, refused to wake up and take the child in for shots, momma was wigging. he got Measles Mumps Rubella in one leg, Diphtheria Tetanus Pertussis in the other leg, Polio in the mouth, and hepatitis A in the leg, he screamed without a sound for 5 minutes, and then crocodile tears for another 5 minutes. nurse refused to give him Tylenol BEFORE. I found some at the store, and met her in the parking lot after wards.

had to run with her to wal-mart to get baby new pacifier and new breast milk bottle, and since I was there, Erik decided to play his embarrass mom at the check out into buying a toy. it did not work, and he was FURIOUS. darling daughter announced that she has not had a period since 9 week baby is born, freaked out, thinking irish twins, and then realized exclusive breastfeeding=no period. whew.

fast forward to the 'day', I had to get out 35 daycare orders, double check that I had ordered everything discover that I had double ordered on a couple and shorted a couple people on wallets. hand write 35 thanks yous, enclose magnets. package and pack in boxes, label, and mark orders delivered. create, print, and cut advertising cards to get more 'family' portraits.

run to post office with a 5lb order two .5 lb orders and the rest to the daycare was 10 lbs.

drop off and socialize with old client with a senior in local school. drop off at second old client with a maternity friend about to pop.

rush home and inhale first food since donuts at 1 pm, halibut and carrots and broccoli and coax Magnus to eat something out of the skillet. and then BACK TO WORK

grab some hyrogen peroxide for toe that is ingrown and totally infected. hurts like hell most every day. check email, discover that darling daughter #1 has over drawn account $500 according to her significant other. login myself and discover the error, double charging for direct tv and triple charging for cell phone. poor mutt.

get her coordinated and back to work.

know that I have a probono session tomorrow, trying to get my mojo. still thinking about that call I got yesterday and the Canon 5D that I test drove. okay, so now I have to finish up three sessions from 5-7 days ago, and then maybe get a nap.

twenty four hours

Typical 24 hours:

currently I have 31 open orders sitting on my desk, all waiting for prints to come in from Iowa via ups so that I can ship them back out.

I have three sessions that still need to be proofed (delete all the bad ones, fix all the good ones, and shown to the client)

I just got my new printer / fax / scanner installed last night, and figuring out how it LIKES to be orientated

my assistant is moving her office from downstairs to upstairs so that she is more 'comfy' (rolling eyes)

last night I spent the better part of two hours formating a custom mothers day card for a really good client with 50 different kids. this is a pro-bono project

talked to 2 or 3 customers on the phone about their orders, typed about 15 emails to clients about orders and scheduling appointments. designed a \___/ table display that needs to go to the printers (30" x 40") as well as a quick trip to Office Depot for card stock, dry erase markers, display board, and 'stuff'

I took 2 hours off from work last night to watch tv with my spouse... not that I have a spare 2 hours, but that marriage maintenance is critical. so I found it.

yesterday I made a trip to costco and picked up my 'custom card order' for a client, and while I was there, I managed to spend $150 on toilet paper/paper towels/ organic dairy products and protein bars

zipped over to garden ridge and picked up a wrought iron fence to complete a limited edition set that I am working on

dropped into to walmart and picked up my spring wardrobe... they have quite possibly the CUTEST olive skorts and capri's that are to die for. I got some khaki, some olive, some denim, some plain and some with prints.

oh, the grandbaby was here about 8 - 10 hours, so he needs to be held, burped, fed, changed, goo'ed too, bathed, and generally played with. he takes up some time, but what is a grandma to do? say no?

and the boys, Magnus has issues with lunch, so he 'requires' toasted cheese' sandwhich in his lunch box, so I get up early enough to make one each morning, and when they come home, usually they are in a bad mood, so it takes some cajoling to coax them back into a good mood.

I had to go to the mall with my daughter, she got me there under the ruse that she needed balls for her tongue ring, but she ended up playing dress up barbi with me. I ended up with a school girl uniform outfit (the trauma of getting the boy shorts to go under is a whole nother chapter) and a cute olive skort and salmon top with cream lace. I swear, I do not know what I am going to do with that girl.

looked for a Kamelot Tshirt.. no one has heard of them. ;-( so had to go online and order one for me and one for Sverre.

currently in my CD player in the car:
-*-Kamelot -*-Within Temptation -*-Leaves Eyes -*-

I am solidly now in a ladies size 4, tops, and bottoms, so now shopping is easy enough. the juniors and the misses just confuse the crap out of me. I went to kohls last week, and was able to get size 4 junior jeans... I am still not happy with low rise, I am getting more comfy with medium rise, but I usually need a belt. FYI LEI is great for those of us that now have thinner thighs than waist. not sure why. but my 'Dr. Frankenstein' likes me in LEI's. personally I still like me in ankle biters, but that is the 1980's screaming out! heehee

okay, food wise:

Breakfast:
1 30 oz coffee with 2 oz 1/2 and 1/2 and 1 tablespoon splenda
3 table spoons of cream of wheat cooked in 1 cup of water with 1 table spoon splenda
2 flint stones vitamins

LunchL
3/4 of a Wendy's small chili and 2 packets of crackers

Dinner:
four .5 oz pieces of chicken, grilled
4 steamed small broccoli flourettes
3 steamed baby carrots

Before Bed:
24 oz apple cider

I totally need a nap today!

HYPERventilating

phone call:12:56 pm

caller:
we will be having guests from out of the country

mom:
when?

caller:
2 hours or so

mom:
SHIT!
CLICK!

ABSTAIN

A couple wanted to join the church. The pastor told them, "We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?", the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month", the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult...however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers,prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. But, one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat." admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church."

"We know", said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot either."

Rules of the Pouch

okay, you would think that after THIS many months that SOME people would have a clue.

I went out to dinner with my family last night.

I was talking on the phone with darling daughter #3, it is a court appointed mandatory call so not taking the call was not an option.

we went to a salad bar, and I made really good choices. small salad plate, 1/3 leafy green salad, 1/3 pasta, 1/3 pasta salad (okay, now that I think about THAT, maybe I didnt make REALLY good choices.) and I ate it, chewing okay, but talking so much that I really didnt notice it. just pushing it in my mouth and putting it in my tummy. in the middle, I take a swig of water, eat, water, eat, and the cramps start. which really sucks, we only get to go to there 3 or 4 times a year because we are watching our budget. and I really didnt get to 'enjoy' it. (my life is really just too hectic still with work and family issues) I shove the water away, I really need to enlist my family in helping me, I really do not want water DURING a meal. not sure what the deal is why we got it, I never order water with meals anymore normally.

so I get off the phone and then I get the rest of my dinner ate.

then darling daughter #1 calls, and she and hubby have decided to move back here (to texas from montana) okay, that is a big change. wow. have to take that call.

I hang up, get a small ladle of soup and a small ladle of lemon lave cake. back to eating, I am talking 'shop' with darling daughter #2 about her twin sister moving back and about maybe including dd#1 into the family business and does dd#2 think that it would work. and I TRY the soup. not that good. I eat the cake.

now. you would think that I would be dumping from the cake right? nope. cake is fine. the leafy greens at the bottom of my pouch start to rumble and growl. I get the worst case of gas, and tummy ache and dull pain ever. I swear I thought I was gonna implode before I got home.

after farting and burping, I feel better. watching some tv, I pass out into my little coma for a few minutes, and then I wake up, literally maybe 10 minutes. and I am FINE.

naturally I have to take time for reflection and resolve not to repeat the episode, it has been too long since I had leafy greens. that is not a good sign. do not drink ice water with leafy greens. duh. goodness. when will my pouch ever be back to normal?

Happy Easter

awe.. well I took the kids to a church egg hunt yesterday, pouring rain. yeuck had to finally go inside the school to finish the easter party, magnus was in a mood and didnt want to be there. we left early and went to walgreens and got some 'prizes' and some Boudreqaux's Butt Paste for Magnus whom has a chapped bottom from ineffective wiping techniques.


last night I left out pre-made baskets from family dollar. really lucky that I remembered to do so, I was walking in a daze most of the day.

and today sverre cooked breakfast, really good scrambled eggs, he said that the trick was mix with milk and cook on really really low heat. the hashbrowns were homemade and really good, not over cooked or under cooked. the bacon was cooked a little harsh, need to turn the heat down a bit and cook slower. the toast looked good, I skipped that, but I doubled up on the orange juice. that was great. sverre was the kitchen fairy today, and laundry fairy as well. way kewl.

I seemed to have just collapsed yesterday, I slept off and on from noon saturday to 8 am sunday with only a few waking hours. I must have been wiped out! no sign of Krys or the baby, so I am assuming that they were wiped out as well. the last three weeks have been exhausting. I finally got the family reunion photos up. now just one more daycare to go and then back to marketing and book keeping.

T-1 Easter

T-2 to Easter

okay

[check] lawn mowed
[check] lawn edged
[check] leaves raked and bagged
[check] easter basket for erik
[check] easter basket for magnus
[check] easter basket for jordan
[check] this weeks orders shipped
[check] cd's back to library
[check] grocery shopping
[check] cd cases for jazz
[check] cd cases for krys

probably time to take a break. :)

bobbing for air

yes. I suck. I have not made time to read. I have not had time to write. come to think of it, I have to pointedly make time to go pee!

9/12 was the last time that I had my head on straight!

christmas portrait season
4 daycares:
17 sessions
37 sessions
42 sessions
15 sessions

multigenerational families
15 sessions

business's
2 sessions

installation of a 50" plasma previewing system for proofing my family sessions

two week trip to washington for visitation with Naomi / my parents and Jazz with her 'significant' other and dawgs

18 days to 'Wedding Story" for Krys's wedding

21 days to completely "Trading Spaces" her spare bedroom into a nursery for new baby

10 days to completely "Overhauling" her $800 Chevy blazer into a reliable vehicle

OMG the 'BABY STORY' of Jordan's Arrival

the "ER" version of Krys bronchitis when the baby was a couple weeks old

installation of a full blown RAID5 computer system back up and recovery unit that will save my butt if something happens to my computer.

the 'Mike Tyson' of the post partum fight that Krys and Jason got into

got my book keeping done, taxes filed, and $2500 went to Naomi's dad so that THEY could go to Disneyland.

the 'ROAD TRIP' of driving the chevy blazer to Alabama for a 5 generational portrait and all the whoopla that goes into a 30 person bbq that was thrown together in 3 hours. (that was WILD)

and in the last three weeks:

the 'C' drive crashing on my computer in the middle of proofing daycare number 2
drum roll please:

3 daycares:
38 sessions
23 sessions
105 sessions

now I am not complaining, by any means. I have a session on saturday that will be quiet, and then the following saturday will be a little noisier, with 2 of the 5 session slots "pics in the park' full, but the big 'un, is the 17 sessions I have just booked for May 6th.

I am even begging for trouble, by sending out 300 post cards this weekasking for more work, instead of less.

*sigh*

they say that some people replace over eating with other addictions. some with drugs or alcohol, some with sex or shopping. not me. heehee nope. I have replaced it with WORK. like a freaking maniac!

I have had to go shopping, Junior size 3/5 pants and Women's size 4/6 shirts but nothing overboard I think. my closet is comfortably full, but not brimming.

okay. so anyways, that is my story and I am sticking to it. protein bars and coffee is keeping me alive. ;) holding steady at 145 lbs. I even had time to get my hair cut yesterday and I did cope an hour nap today on my lunch hour.

type to y'all later

Easter Story Cookies

1 cup whole pecans
1 tsp white vinegar
3 egg whites
1/8 tsp salt
1 cup splenda
Ziploc
Wooden Spoon
Tape
Bible

1. Preheat oven to 300 degrees F.

2. Place pecans in zip lock bag and let children beat them with a wooden spoon to break into small pieces. Explain that after Jesus was arrested he was beaten by the Roman soldiers. Read John 19: 1-3.

3. Let each child smell the vinegar. Put 1 tsp vinegar into mixing bowl. Explain that when Jesus was thirsty on the cross he was given vinegar to drink. Read John 19: 28-30.

4. Add egg whites to vinegar. Eggs represent life. Explain that Jesus gave his life to give us life. Read John 10: 10-11.

5. Sprinkle a little salt into each child's hand. Let them taste it and brush the rest into the bowl. Explain that this represents the salty tears shed by Jesus' followers, and the bitterness of our own sin. Read Luke 23: 27.

6. So far the ingredients are not very appetizing. Add 1 cup splenda. Explain that the sweetest part of the story is that Jesus died because he loves us. He wants us to know and belong to him. Read Ps. 34: 8 and John 3: 16.

7. Beat with mixer on high speed for 12 to 15 minutes until stiff peaks are formed. Explain that the color white represents the purity in God's eyes of those whose sins have been cleansed by Jesus. Read Isaiah. 1: 18 and John 3: 1-3.

8. Fold in broken nuts. Drop by teaspoon onto wax paper covered cookie sheet. Explain that each mound represents the rocky tomb where Jesus' body was laid. Read Matt. 27: 57-60.

9. Put the cookie sheet in the oven, close the door turn the oven off. Give each child a piece of tape and seal the oven door. Explain that Jesus' tomb was sealed. Read Matt. 27: 65-66.

10. Go to bed! Explain that they may feel sad to leave the cookies in the oven overnight. Jesus' followers were in despair when the tomb was sealed. Read John 16: 20 and 22.

11. On Easter morning, open the oven and give everyone a cookie. Notice the cracked surface and take a bite. The cookies are hollow! On the first Easter Jesus' followers were amazed to find the tomb open and empty.

new updated portrait

obsession

some say that when you change your obsession from eating and food, it has to be 'channeled' to something else. so some become alc-oholics, sex-oholics, shop-oholics, or work-oholics. guess which one I became? heehee okay, so work-oholic is not a bad thing right? hey, I am happy. life is good. my husband wants to know why I didnt check off 'sex' on the request form last year. dork.

been doing some spring cleaning, now to some, many, most, typing up label cards for a filing system, might seem a little 'over the top' but for my book keeper/accountant/CPA, this is finally 'light at the end of the tunnel' and a godsend, or so I am hoping, I know that they had a hissy fit this year while I was in earshot about my 'issues' and lack of organization and consistency in pricing and stuff. so I am sincerely trying to be a better person. even to the point of 'quarterly' reports instead of annual ones.

as for the food stuff. my tummy has been all over the board.

Breakfast:
months 1 - 3: steak (beef or pork)
months 4 - 6: egg & salsa
months 7 - 9: cottage cheese & blueberries
months 10 - 12: cream of wheat

Lunch:
months 1 - 3: fish fillet
months 4 - 6: chicken or salad
months 7 - 9: wendy's chili
months 10 - 12: soup

Dinner:
months 1 - 3: meat and veggies
months 4 - 6: meat and veggies
months 7 - 9: meat and veggies
months 10 - 12: meat and veggies

got on the scale again today.

148 lbs.

went shopping for clothes yesterday
Misses size 14 top and 2 for bottoms however, I prefer a size 4 for comfort on my belly (hips are 35")

Junior size 13 top and 3 for bottoms (however I prefer a size 5 bottoms)

The sizes for juniors are usually slimmer in the hips and bust than misses sizes, which is why I like to shop the Misses sizes for tops and the Junior sizes for Jeans.

okay, enough procrastinating.. back to work.

Family Reunion

13 hour road trip = bad eating choices

bickering and fighting, squabbling and naggin = bad eating choices

13 hour road trip home = bad eating choices

stress from work and family making bad choices = bad eating choices

major dehydration

grrr

scale went back up to 150 lbs.

starting over from scratch and retraining myself.

Flab, Fun, Fling, Floozies...

flab:
I feel about the same as I did 1.5 years ago. feast or famine. I TRY to eat three meals a day, but find that I am not always successful.

today, I was very busy and very stressed about work.

we did stop on the way to work and get breakfast. I ordered a supreme croissant, but ended up eating a whole buttermilk biscuit instead.

lunch was a 6" chicken sub with lots of salad fixin's and no sauce or mayo.

snack was a giant sized Kit Kat candy bar, purely for the caffeine to keep awake, washed it down with a 20 oz coffee

dinner was a 6" saucer of spaghetti, I ate 1/2 and then walked away.

so today I did stick to three meals, extremely small ones, my habits are exactly what they were before, just the portions today were reduced to a 'normal' portion.

the only thing that has changed was that I now KNOW how to limit the portions, stick to three a day, no grazing. I think that I am in control of my eating, instead of my eating controlling me.

I do not know the stranger in the mirror, I do not know the girl in the mirror either. I have no idea who she is, what she has planned for me and my family. it is so very surreal.

one day at a time, that is how I am taking it.
Fun...
daycare kids.. wow, do I love tots a lot. I had 25 little ones today, and had a blast, took three hours to make portraits of 25 angels. best time I had so far, and best portraits I have made so far, what a rush!
going back again to do it tomorrow.

Fling...
driving to Alabama for the weekend to see my relatives, that my not be the best thing to do, but I have not been over for almost two years, I am 'obligated', have not taken Magnus over in 5 years, and so I 'must' go and have a fling.

Floozies..
taking Krystal and Jordan with me, we will be the two floozies in the car. ;)

Definition of a HIPPIE

[check] co-sleeping with babies...
[check] extended breastfeeding...
[check] baby wearing
[check] baby wearing GRANDBABIES

yep, I am officially over the edge. I even have a psychedelic baby sling to prove it.

the grand baby just needs some extra love and holding, but I do not have 'time' to stop work, so we resorted to the age old solution, a baby sling.

now that I can 'get back to work' having him 'around' is not an issue.

as for my own 'other' issues. I have lots to complain about:
okay, before you die of shock. I was not all that unhappy with my body when I was fluffier. I sincerely only did the WLS for health reasons.

now I am HEALTHIER. there is no doubt about it. I am off all medications for all my ailments and other than my teeth giving me a really hard time, I am doing great HEALTH WISE.

my body. well. yes, it is a rush to fit into teeny tiny clothes. it was beyond exhilarating to put on my 5 year old's belt to keep my pants up that I just bought and were snug three months ago.

but I am not loving this body yet. I am not loving that my tail bone aches because there is no padding and I am having to learn to sit at a different angle to work at a desk 14 hours a day.

I am not loving that my car seat is so worn out from the imprint from my old butt, that my new butt is aching after 75 miles.

I am not loving that I reach up and touch my achy shoulder and feel every single bone and that the muscles are just not 'solid' yet, from all the fat melting out of them.

I was so frustrated yesterday, I couldn't keep a thing down. not black beans. not chicken. not water. not oatmeal. after for what felt like hours. I finally got up what was causing the problem. and by that point it had been HOURS since I had had 'food' and I was starving. I ended up with dry toast and p'butter and chamomile tea settling my tummy.

and I am really not loving that I am so freaking cold all the time. I live in the tropics. it is 75' outside and I have to have the heater on and I am bundled up with socks, and sweaters.

I would do the surgery again tomorrow. I am happy that I am healthy. I am just so frustrated with all the other issues that are such a PITA.

and I totally know that I will not get any sympathy, but just to finish my rant,... no, better not go there. heehee. no one would have an ounce of sympathy for me, having to eat 6 meals a day to stop loosing. I better run and hide. heehee

SUCCESS has its own CONSEQUENCES.

GGrrrrr!!

last weekend, Krys was super sick, could have been mastitis, could have been bronchitis, we didnt know, but we went to the E.R. just the same. they kept her over night, and got her all the proper tests. CBC, Nasal swab, and urine culture. to find out exactly what was up. Jason knew that we were at the E.R. and told him to come after the bars closed, but he never showed up and couldnt get a hold of him on the phone until 7 am, and he was still not 'home'.

fast forward to this weekend. long story short. I am so totally going to kill him. he has been mia all weekend, and he finally rolled in at 8 am this morning, they got into a fight, and while she was bending down to get a bra out of the dresser, he cold cocked her in the jaw/temple knocking her into the tv and giving her bruises on both sides of her face, and on her throat where he choked her.

She and the baby are now staying here with me. I hope that they will get some counseling so that they will be able to develop a healthier relationship and having a safer environment at home. I think that Jason will really miss out on an opportunity of 'being there' if they do not work it out. even if it is only one hour in the morning when he is off work before Krys wakes up. But Jason really needs to learn to treat Krys is respect and be kindhearted and stop being so selfish that he thinks that he can stay out for days on end, or that he is lord of the manor just because for the time being he has a paycheck and Krys does not.

I am dealing with the stress as best I can. trying to make good food choices and not let the situation get the best of me.

1 year anniversary

exactly 12 months and exactly 131 lbs lost. what will the next 12 months be like?

Frustration in the Dressing Room - Bras

I went from a 42GG to a 34C.....

what I have learned is that most stores do not carry odd sizes..... this is the 'norm'

34B
36C
38D
40DD
42DDD

so if you are not in that 'norm' range, you can not get fitted properly. I went to msnshopping and they gave me a list of local stores that would carry the styles I want. ended up with a couple of stores that I had not thought of like Kohls and Sears. for me, I have to 'try it on' before I buy, I can not get bras through the net yet. once I stop dropping and changing, I will, but for now, I never know from one model to the next what will and will not fit.

also there is just nothing better than a Playtex 18 hour comfort strap, on this planet. my favorite is Playtex 4693. I do not like the Demi bras since I have nothing but a lot of skin, the demi is just not a kind bra. I do not like an underwire, it just pinches and feels horrible, so I limit my choices severely there. my favorite though does not come in a 34, just 36, how horrible is that?

so here I sit I can get into a 36C but it is already too big on the band, I really need a 34.

once you find your band size (and I go tighter than most) then finding your cup size with a bowl full of jello is just such a PITA.

for some reason, having always had a good STACK, I can not bring myself to get even light padding, I could probably 'use' it, but so far I am still filling out a nice C and with a 34, I look like I am still stacked. but yes, at night I have wrinkly fruit roll ups that are just SAD!

I can definitely see Plastic Surgery in my future. do not get me wrong, I like a '34C' but UP near my pits, not down over my belly button. ;(

handling it? I cry a lot. and I go to several different stores, buy what I can and pray for the rest.

spring cleaning

I am in the middle of my spring cleaning. Waiting for someone to come and shampoo the carpets today.

The garage is all clean and organized. All the beds are made and the laundry is all put away. Even the Erik and Magnus's toys are all picked up. I appreciated you mowing the lawn last week, so it will not need to be mowed again for a while since it is still a little cold here.

Jordan is taking a nap in my office while I finish up some posting a photo session.

I made a photo CD from last year, and burned a copy for each of the girls.

I have been cleaning out prints from the business and sending them out just to get them out of the house. hate to throw them away. ;)

4-1-1

krys got extremely sick, had to take her to the ER and was there over night, mastitis is where the breast gets inflamed from exhaustion. she is on antibiotics and resting more, and doing better.

her 'd'hubby, was out all night that night, didn't answer his cell, so he knew that she was going to the ER, but did not answer his phone until 7 am, by that time, I had fed her, and was taking her home with me to take care of both her and the baby. he is such a dork.
he was remorseful, but he has a lot of growing up to do.

the baby is gaining weight, getting more alert and learning how much and how little he can get away with grandma. he has been nursing more irradically so I am slowly putting him on a 3 hour schedule. gave him a bottle of warm water tonight, while his exhausted momma took a 3 hour nap. he survived just fine in his own bed in my room while she slept in the office.

my parents left, and have traveled on to Missouri. they were here for nearly 6 weeks. I just could not get myself to 'work' while they were here, I was constantly in demand for chauffeur for errands that were to help Krys, and I was grateful, but as I said, no work got accomplished for my photography, so I did not contact the list of potential daycares in a timely manner.

as for the backgrounds. the one that I nearly didn't get, is the one that I love the most. I have washed the white, and hung it, but have not shot with it, I find that it is invaluable as a gobo behind my other thin drops in rooms with windows, so I will definitely be finding $20 for you shortly.

I did get the cd, it has just been one thing after another and I can not seem to find time to even eat, poor krys will come over at 11 am and first thing out her mouth is 'have you ate today' little stinker. I can answer yes about 50% of the time. ;)

no other pictures yet, my family have gotten beyond impatient, so I compiled with what you gave me and what we scrounged up and that has placated them for now. a 1000 thanks for your work, it was a blessing to us.

as for working, just keep plugging, I needed some examples today to show a daycare, and it was hysterical to look at my old stuff. year one was pitiful, year two was sad, year three was okay, year four was much improved. it just takes time.

the skinny on me, heehee is that I had an 'issue' a couple of days ago, basically a blueberry got stuck in the bottom of my tummy and could not go down, so after a long day of 'eating' I had to take some drastic measures to get it back up or have the surgeon do it for me. I am more resourceful and creative, and was successful in the end. but it did scare the dickens out of people. I probably would have done better if I had not been so severely dehydrated, had only had about 20 oz of fluids in the previous 24 hours, which is not a good thing. that is the real problem. finding time to take care of me. it just never really occurs to me to do it.

so each day I resolve to do better, try harder, and think more. ;) my odds of success are better at winning the lottery, but I do try. :-)

Good Morning Sunshine

I am grateful for all my blessings... and they have been many.

my body is still a work in progress.... just last night I went completely nuts and had oreos and milk and paid the price severely. there are consequences, and that one was pretty bad. I passed out from it. that was freaking weird. toxic sugar shock. so the 'tool' is working. I have lost 131 lbs and I am in a size 2/4.

the boy, I had him for about 24 hours, his momma was really sick, she came over at 230 pm Saturday, went with me to a shoot, then at 730, we finished up, by 1030 I was driving her to the ER with possible mastitis. dr couldn't find anything, swabbed her nose and did a CBC, and urine culture, sent her home with antibiotics for bronchitis. she got her breast pump, and we camped at my house. I woke her up ever 4 hours to feed her and pump, then she would go back to sleep, the baby was eating about every 1 - 2 hours so she was really getting her butt kicked trying to keep up with him. he would eat for 10 minutes, then doze for 10, eat for 10, doze for 10, it would take 5 minutes to get him latched on, so it was taking a full hour to feed him. with the breast milk in a bottle, it worked out much better for her to get some rest. she went home around midnight.I was completely zonked out.

work is puttering along nicely, not as hectic as I would like, but I had so much on my plate this last 3 months and getting krys/jordan situated has really demanded a lot of my time, so I am grateful for the sparse work I am getting.

HOME studio and Skinny Butt

WHEW!!!! okay, yes it is a lot of work. yes it is somewhat expensive. but OH BABY OH BABY OH BABY

this has been very stressful for several years and I finally think I have a solution.

problem:
I do elaborate limited edition sets and once they are 'set up' I do not like to take them back down. well they take up the WHOLE HOUSE it seems. sometimes I put them in the living room or the dining room, but the whole house is in chaos when they are 'up' which is a PITA!

when I put stuff in the garage, the 'boys' would get into them and high grade my props. or worse, ride bikes THROUGH my sets.

NO MORE!!! I have a solution.

I partitioned off 1/5th of the garage, put up a SERIOUS retaining wall and have storage for my props (16' x 2') as well as storage for the garage that does not 'face the 'studio'. I am still 'massaging' my shelves to fit my bulkier stuff, but once that is done, I will be in TALL COTTON!

this will alleviate a lot of stress and anxiety in my life!

as for my body...

Sverre gave me a piggie back ride from down stairs to upstairs, HE giggled the whole way.

Last week: 146 lbs
This week: 144 lbs
Loss: 2 lbs

Total loss: 131 lbs

original bmi 43.1
current bmi 22.6

size: 2/4 US
size: 4/6 UK

to barf or not to barf

THAT is the question.

my nerves are shot, capute, wasted. I am 'done'. long story short, my family have had some high maintenance needs for months now. and my pouch is very very angry.

I tried to get back on track, cottage cheese this morning is screaming at me.

chicken sandwich is really got me needing to just empty and reboot the system. I know that I would just 'feel' better if I could just and get it over with. my mouth has been salivating for the last two hours (my first sign of dumping).

it is always good to evaluated during days like this, it is like running down a problem so that you do not repeat it.

I couldnt :barf: properly because I had not consumed any liquids all day, so I was dealing with the dry heaves. but I did get enough out of my pouch that I could get down about 12 oz of apple cider and then I had a really good and productive :barf: took about four tries, but finally the offending BLUEBERRY that was not chewed up properly from 9 am came out and I felt much much much better. must have been a stricture, because now that it is gone, I am feeling better.

had 1/3 of a chicken sandwich from Arbys, that went down okay.

waited and had a 8 oz sprite mixed with a 2 oz of concentrated grape juice.

I got very religious in the bathroom. fortunately, it was the 'other end' that finally got moving with THAT version of the dumping. I swear it has been a TMI day.

to finalized my day... I have dropped down to 144 lbs, 6 below goal. I tried on some bras, I have freaking shrank AGAIN... down to a 34 C... which are not readily available. they are as difficult to find as 36D's were last month. I am totally and completely in size 4's and probably could get into a size 2... also my size 6's are so ginormous on me I had to borrow Magnus's belt (he is 5 years old and in Kindergarten) that is just so freaking wild, I can not image.

I am nearly done with converting my two car garage into a portrait studio. will take photos soon.

so as usual, my day is filled with triumph and sorrow.

Damn Ford 5 Speed Transmission

Krys has not changed or checked the tranny fluid for 3 years. big oops

Saturday it broke down 60 miles from home. let it rest for 60 minutes, and was able to get it up and running and drove it 20 minutes before it seized. got a flatbed tow truck and hauled it home.

MONDAY: picked up a nice nice tranny at a wrecking yard, wrong speedometer gear, damn.

TUESDAY: went back to get them to take the crank shaft or whatever out of that one and put it in the old bell housing.

WEDNESDAY: went back to pick up today. had not left the initial wrecking yard.

went to a different wrecking yard, said they could pull it out in 20, 1 hour and 10 minutes later, FINALLY got it loaded in the trunk.

went to O'Reilly's to get transmission fluid, first they gave me 80/90 and then automatic transmission fluid. it was just a mess.

now we still need to install a new U-joint. and then it is done.

a little something about each of my kids

Five (5)

Jasmine.... creative, humongous heart, she spend the night in the hospital room with me when I had both of my younger sons, running and fetching for me, the Drs say Bipolar, I say Dynamic, if she is not Tigger (bouncy) she is Eeyore (sad and blue) constantly striving for Pooh

Krystal... the little momma since she was 5, always the 'grown up one', she was with me every minute during my surgery and the hospital stay, she is Kanga

Naomi... still talks to angels, she is the pure one, the Drs say Autistic, I say Ausome.

Erik... the future photographer, he loves to work the camera, from in front of from behind, he is my snack buddy, I eat what I can, he eats the rest. he really has gone on this journey with me. he is truly an accomplished brown noser.

Magnus... the sensitive one, he is painfully shy, easily hurt, he comes in and snuggles with me every single morning before school. I was gone for 6 weeks during the summer and it took him 7 months to 'trust' me again.

whoo hoo,,,,

1984 and 2007 it fits!!

Splitting Headache

well... I think about the amount of strength and support it took for me to GET HERE... and I am truly grateful.

the fact that I have been running for the last 9 weeks... but then again... 2 weeks visitation on location 3000 miles from home in motel 6, and then 3 weeks to pull together a large formal wedding on a microscopic budget.. and then 3 weeks to get the nursery ready and the vehicle situation resolved for my very pg daughter, and then 10 days later pull off a baby shower admist entering an entire year of bookkeeping and then totally doing my taxes for the entire year in 48 hours. I am freaking amazed that I have survived.

today was TYPICAL.. I looked all over the kitchen for breakfast, couldnt find anything good, skipped breakfast and had a 20 oz coffee. lunch, well, I got hijacked into going to the laundry mat with my parents, I did eat a cliff bar, drank a 20 sports drink, took cash so that I could walk across the street for food, some beef and broccoli, they said no, wanted to eat out tonight but then they were driving and we didnt. so while waiting, I did get a bag of animal crackers. by 4 pm I was completely shaking and getting downright sick, went to the kitchen, faced with the exact same problem, no freaking food. I was in tears. I had put a 1 oz chicken precooked in there, and a 1 oz steak precooked in there, but it was GONE.

okay, so what exactly is no food? well yes, there is food. there are eggs, that I can not get down. there is yogurt that I can not get down, there is cereal, but no milk, there is grapefruit, but ick, there is cheese, which is what I finally ate, just cheese.

I need more choices. i had asparagus in the freeze, what I have had the last two meals. just so freaking frustrating.

as for the rest of my life, that is just so difficult. I love my daughter. she has the right to screw up as she sees fit. I am trying to be supportive.

BUT.....

she circ'ed him, and now it is infected and swollen. aaauuuggghhh

he is breastfed, she gave him formula with iron and is SUPRISED that he has horrible tummy ache, terrible gas and really bad diarrhea.

BREATHE... BREATHE...

in through the nose, out through the mouth, in through the nose, out through the mouth,

there are three areas that just freaking get me going....

carseats, there is a right way and a wrong way, I spent DAYS researching seats and learning how to get them installed and it is an obsession I know.. but I completely go off on car seats.

breastfeeding, there is a right way to feed a baby and a wrong way, I can not for the life of me see, think, or believe that anyone can not 'do it' other than the dad. but I have some ideas about that too. hehehe breast is best, it takes time, no baby is born knowing, and no two babies are the same, each time, the mother has to learn all over again, but it can be done successfully. just have to be vigilant.

circumcising, there is just no civilized reason to circ a boy or a girl, I just can not believe or support it. my father, my fil, my grandfathers, my grandfather in laws, my husband, my sons, none are circ'ed and I just can not image that she would willingly do it to a perfectly adorable and sweet little guy. *sigh*

mommy is worried that she is doing this, that, or the other wrong. I am trying so disparately to be supportive, and not judgmental but it is extremely difficult. since he has been born, she has had him to the pediatrician on friday, monday, wednesday, and friday. so she is being the normal high maintenance parent. today the ped suggested supplementing with formula, I could just strangle them. him for suggesting and her for listening, she has a ton of milk, there is no reason to supplement. now she is engorged and the baby had a tummy ache. grrr.

I.R.S! and QUICKEN!!

a certain amount of cussing this time of year is healthy for me.

however....

goodness gracious I hate book-keeping... I hate taxes... I really hate it!

I am 98% done though, and so far all checks out. just irritating as all get out trying to get the balance sheets to balance!

as for me...

tummy is doing well, despite a lot of negligence. too many animal crackers. to much coffee. not enough sex according to my husband, but he has issues!

got a new mattress.. a sealy, very nice. sleep better IMO.

been getting caught up on my tv programs, and am about to dive into reorganizing the garage AGAIN.. it is really a self defeating process that I do bi-annually, but I keep doing it. one day I will actually get it the way that is functional (like the other rooms in the house that are now functional) and be done. but for now, I must persevere.

set up the 'port-a-crib' for the latest addition. his blog is more up to date than my own if that says anything about me and my issues.

Grandbaby #1

finding my mojo

let me tell you about grandmothers.. we are not nearly as sure about some things as we were about our own.

my daughter starts every conversation with:

IS IT NORMAL TO.....

gracious. most of the time yes. however. sometimes no. she is not sure why he is sucking her dry. heehee like she is doing something wrong. no. supply and demand.

he is doing this or that. normal. sorta. heehee

he is adorable. I wish that I was 'in the mood' to shoot him more. but I am just so stressed with all the other things going on my my life that I just can not get my mojo going.

I was extremely fortunate that I was able to get through a session on monday. it was a retake from 10 day prior when my batteries were being stupid in my lights. now I know to have lots of spares.

I love the blonde hair, but it gets very oily and dirty in a matter of hours. so before his next session, he will get a bath and shampoo.

Introducing....

Happy Valentines Day

rather than be disappointed YET AGAIN...

last night I bought MY OWN FLOWERS... my husband made a face that I did it

I bought MY OWN CHOCOLATE, got him a bag too. he liked that.

the most romantic time was when he and I went on a pre wedding honeymoon to Lom Norway where my fathers family is from. he proposed at a mountain chalet, actually in the cemetary (heehee) where my ancestors are burried. for us, THAT was romantic

as for Krys.

she is 1.5 cm dilated, 80% effaced, and in active labor. she is at the hospital and so I am heading out.

Grandma???

okay... as some may or may not know.. yes. the big "G" is in my future.

to update on the progress and start my own thread about the details:

as of today: dilated 1 cm and 70% effaced.

the nursery is finished. the theme is Zanzibar

the baby may be a boy and named Jordan Jason Miles or a girl and named Tabitha Bailey Miles.

naturally, yes, there are photos:

Nursery 99% Done

now granted, since these photos were taken, we have replaced the blinds. hung really cute drapes, put a changing pad on the hope chest and added some more clothes to the collection.

Essentially this is the little critterbug's residence.

It is the nicest room in the house and Krys has some reservations about that. but she is coping.

Bedrest for little Momma

Krys has been having some issues. by our calculations, the baby needs to come already.

Doctors visit: Krys reported headaches, dizziness, cramping.

Doctor found: protein dumping in the urine, -0- dilation, -0- effacement. baby not engaging. babies heart rate is 135, Momma's B/P is 110/70 which is really good. 212 lbs which is a net gain of 27 lbs, definitely all baby.

Rx: bedrest for Krys and return on Monday.

Weather Change - Migraine

okay, so today is definitely going to be a serious octane coffee day. I already sucked down an alkaseltzer and that didn't help. a chocolate protein bar. that didn't help. now for some SERIOUS caffeine!

I got up early, got Magnus dressed for school, he really didn't want to go. I finished up some orders, edits and I am currently totally caught up at work. you know you are not working hard enough if you do not have a stack of projects to work on.

the baby's room is totally done and looks great. will post pictures shortly.

have already collected the grandparents, going to run over, pick up krys, head to Ikea, then to Katy to get krys a 1995 Chevy Blazer. then back home to do whatever.

nutshell

in a quick nutshell:

the family arrived Tuesday (my parents), Wednesday, Jasmine and her boyfriend) Thursday (my sister and her son). and on friday was the 'bridal brunch', we had that at the Fontenot (pronounced: fon-ten-o)grand mansion. we had a 'proper' British high tea with little sandwiches, teas, quiche, salad, trifle, and gifts.

Friday night we had the rehearsal, took three tries to get it so that it 'looked' normal. it was pretty funny figuring out what we were supposed to do. after the rehearsal, we started setting up the tables and everything for the reception in the room behind the chapel. I had some friends that volunteered to stay and keep working while we went to dinner and visited with the family of the groom. after dinner, we went back and finished the reception room.

sunday we get ready, got to the church early, but we were still putting stuff together and so by the time the bride was ready to walk down the isle, it was 3 pm instead of 2 pm.

but when she did walk, she was so pretty. she just glowed. after the wedding, we had a chocolate fountain snacks while we had our portraits taken. and then we had a long buffet line with all the food. we had a small dance with the bride and her grandfather, I ended up dancing with Sverre, but he was not very cooperative. (heehee) and I got a dance with my father and the ring bearer.

afterwards, we cleaned up in record time, and then had an after hours casino night, with drinking and general silliness.

Sunday was filled with opening presents and saying good bye to my sister and her son, Monday Jason had to work, but Krys, Jasmine and Jasmine's boyfriend (Patrick) and I drove downtown Houston and had dinner and walked on the bayou.

Jasmine / Patrick left the next day, and now we are preparing the baby's room for the arrival. we did have to replace the washer and dryer since they conked out. and we got a dresser and a toy chest donated to for the baby. my father has been working for weeks to get all the vehicles working. that has been a lot of tinkering.

now Krys is here resting and I have to run to the school to help with Erik's class room during English.

Local Mom with Camera ash falls for three blocks after self destructing, details at 11.

I am taking the success to my head... looking at finding a house that is more 'accessable' and that is more conducive to business down stairs, home upstairs. and that has more rooms downstairs.

my husband is getting nervous. we were thinking about moving to montana but right now I just do not know. I am FINALLY making a go of it and think that it would not be beneficial to do that even though we 'want' to be there. success does have a more pleasant aroma than eeking by.

I do want a store front, I do want to be able to set up my shoots and not have to take down each night, I do not want to spend $1K a month in rent and $1K a month in overhead and still have $2K a month on a home. when it would be more practical to stay at home especially with the boys being so young (5 and 7). but for me to look at moving is really a tough decision. the what if's creep in. what if I never have another sale. heehee what if. whatever. but then again. I really didn't think I would be 'working' in February. March, yeah sure, but I know the cycle and everyone blows the budget on Christmas and then you do not see them again until March. but on the good side. what if I do land 1/2 doz seniors too? what if I AM successful? if I feel this anxious about a little success I might just instantaneous combust from a lot of success!

I can see the headline news: Local Mom with Camera ash falls for three blocks after self destructing, details at 11.

does anyone ever get nervous when too many good things happen and they start tip toeing, waiting for the other shoe to drop?

yesterday was a good eating day.

B: hard boiled egg
L: 1 oz string cheese
S: 1 oz smoked pork chop
1 roll
D: 1/4 french crepe
S: 1 ginormous bowl of corn flakes

one step closer to the nursery

latest news... got Krystal's Dryer working (needed new electrical plug and wire installed, and a 'new' used washer, nice Kenmore for $20 that included free delivery. sweet. now that baby will have clean clothes

got her 'nursery' painted (olive green and mocha brown), now need to bleach the cement slab to kill any mold and then lay down some linoleum and move the baby stuff in. the room was 'teal' and hideous.

the theme is Zanzibar.

WHEEEE I am gonna be a grandma.

"I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky"

I did it again. I had a tasteful nude yesterday and printed out my price list and she bought a la carte and so her sale was 3X my normal sale. I am in awe, I am inspired. I am freaking giggling my tush off.

I really really strove for perfection on the 'experience' and I think it paid off. she bought 15 (5x7), a 15 image dvd slide show, and a 16x20 metalic high key wall portrait. (will post when I complete the two image collage).

I do not know what came first success or self confidence, but the last 12 months have been such a pivotal process for me. I worked on marketing "ME", working on where "I" needed to be personally and it has paid off incredibly. I am now working on my 'unique selling point' and am finding that customer service is intrinsically tied to the experience as much as the wow factor of the HDTV / Projection experience. it is just amazing the things that I have learned over the last year.

"I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky"