Friday, August 25, 2006

Would I do it again?

second verse, same as the first.

my name is Katherine and I have had every ache and pain that you have.

I have not been able to get comfortable on the bed and I couldnt sleep, I blamed the bed instead of my nearly 300 lb body.

I couldnt get comfortable driving the car, sitting on the couch, or in my office chair. I blamed my shoes, I blamed my jeans, and my genes.

there are two things that I can tell you with certainty. if you have decided for yourself that ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, you will succeed. no one can convince you, no one can make a believer out of you, no one can enable you, validate you, or hold your hand. seriously, this is the greatest adventure of my life and I am for all intents and purposes doing it alone.

do I have support? oh gracious yes, do I have cheerleaders? tons, but ultimately, it is me and me alone that makes each food choice each meal each day. Ultimately it is me that makes the choice to move to loose or to lay down and watch more tv, type more on the computer, or take a nap.

WLS is a tool, not a majic wand. it will help or hurt you depending on your attitude.

today I am 3 months out. I do not have a friend in the refridgerator that i can go visit on an hourly basis, not even to wave hello. I gave up the 'inventory' weeks ago. it is a waste of time, like weighing on the scale 4 or 5 times a day, waste of time. like eating the wrong items and dumping, it is a waste of time.

I was on predisone, celebrex, vioxx, and enbrel for all the pain 5 months ago. I was crawling down the stairs each morning, limping through my day, so exhausted after hauling one basket of laundry upstairs that I enlisted my husband to do it for me. I was helpless and hopeless before the surgery.

I was never worthless, but I was helpless and hopeless.

I changed my mind 1 time per hour ever hour from March 5th until May 21st, that is 2136 times to reroute my plumbing or leave nature alone.

I thought about my family and what that money could do for them. (I have been sacrificing my health for 21 years, it is a difficult habit to put one's health and wellbeing first (I continue to struggle with it) but ultimately I made a choice.

I thought about loosing my crutch. today I was relating to my customer and my husband that I MISS fixing myself a plate for a meal. it just is such a bother to only make a 1 oz meal. it is gone before you taste it, it is over before it begins, and it was an irregular love affair, but there were times that I LOVEd the taste of food. the feeling of polishing off a really good tasting plate. now I am stuffed on 1/8th of a saucer. it is annoying.

going out to dinner is a joke, it is a waste of gas, and money. I only eat enough to keep a small colony of ants alive. I am done in a matter of minutes and bore the rest of the time. blech.

the upside, I am a cheap date: we walk though costco tasting tables and after 4 tables I am STUFFED, I have had a four course buffet.
I cook up a prime rib steak and I can eat off of it for 3 days. ;) my food allowance per day runs about $1.43 per day. not per course, not per meal, per day.

but I am not taking those medications anymore, I am not in as much pain anymore, there is still some residual because of dehydration. it is my own fault, I just do not concentrate enough on drinking my fluids and with dehydration, there is pain. that is a fact of life. even before surgery, if I was not hydrated, I was in pain. it is the number one reason people are in pain, dehydration.

do I feel noramal. oh gracious, better than normal. *SIGH* so much better than normal, and I am still heavy, but I am feeling better than normal, my lungs are not sore, my joints are not sore, I am not leaning on a grocery cart so hard that my shoulders hurt, just to get the cart to support my weight. I am able to bypass the carts and just carry a basket.

but ultimately, you will work through your 'food' attatchment, first you will defy anyone to take it from you, then you will begrudgingly give it up, go back, make a bad choice, reap a consequence, get reverant, and so on until you get past the defiance and just accept that this is the way it is, and find something else to do to occupy your time.

I started a photography business, I am too busy to learning about marketing, accounting, and aperatures to worry about missing
Cre'me Bru'le'e and Cheesecake. you just let it go and get on with your life.

energy: I walked 8 miles with my parents, up and down hills, in 100' degree heat, had a blast. three weeks before I couldnt to 3 miles without thinking that my heart was going to explode in my chest. each day you get better, each week you get stronger, each month you get healthier. it is not over night, it is not without sacrifice, it is not without lifelong rewards. the benefits will go beyond your wildest dreams.

next summer, I am going rock climbing in the Selway-Bitteroot Wilderness in Montana. the last time I did that was 1986! not 1996, not 2006, but 1986. I am not going to let food take my life away.

there are so many supportive people here to cheer for you, but you take the steps yourself and you will feel the power of success when you achieve the goals. You have to do it yourself FOR yourself.