Thursday, August 24, 2006

bigger and better problems

I am dealing with a lot of stress.

I look down at my hands and I see the blood vessels and the ligaments and tendons and think, WTH? heehee I use to have such pudgy hands that my knuckles were just little divets. I am still not getting the fluids down, I do not know what the issue is, but I know that it is a problem.

I am worried, tomorrow is my appt with my Dr and I am not at his target, he said I should be at 193 tomorrow not 199. he told me that if I deviated from his plan (125 - 225 calories a day) he would KNOW it, I do not know how crabby he will get with me. I have been moody (PMS'ing) all day which does not help, but he does intimidate the dickens out of me.

we have so many 'issues' going on here at home. my husband wants to sell the house and move to Missoula Montana. taking a $20-40K cut in pay, and wants me to make up the difference with my career. and live in a house that is 1/2 the size we have now with twice the payment. that means that I have a few months and even few dollars to get it 'repaired' as in: replace the bathtub, bathroom floors in two bathrooms, scrap the popcorn off the ceiling downstairs, retexture it, paint it, rip up all the carpet on the second floor, put down new carpet, and a list that is about 4 typed pages. and he wants me to sell off anything that is duplicated like one of the two tv's and the extra couch, and blah blah blah, oh I could use a chocolate ecclair or two.

our house insurance company was declared bankrupt yesterday, so we were to get insurance with a different carrier, I didnt get it done in time, I called, but it was late afternoon (thought I had until tomorrow) and well long story short, it doesnt look like it was taken care of, so instead of $1500 a year, the bank is forcing us into $2500 a year. my husband said live and learn but I am kicking myself for not taking care of this (I have known since August 11th and it is August 23...

I would normally solve my anxiety with a double slice of cheese cake but that doesnt even sound good to me. gracious, what do you do when you do not want to eat? all I can think of the kill the time is surf the net and have sex. my husband votes for the second but not the first. but he is busy on his own computer so here I am.

asking for prayers and hugs. I am so emotional these days, you would THINK I was pg instead of my daughter being pg and planning a wedding in 5 months. now was a hellofa time to give up eating.

update after 3 month check up:

my three month appointment was a week early, but I did it. now I have three more months to loose 47 lbs and I will be sitting pretty.

after a big huge discussion, he swears up and down from my blood work I am getting too much protien. so obviously for my body, 2-3 oz of pure meat a day is plenty. who would have thunk?

not enough, or I would not have toilet issues. increase those bad boys.

I have been ordered to DOUBLE my intake. yeah, I am looking forward to doing THAT. rather clean the toddler boys toilets.

I explained that I am only getting 125 calories a day I do not have enough energy to exersize like before. he said hogwash and poppycock. I have 45 lbs of extra fat, that is 20,000 calories of extra fuel, so I could run on 2000 calories a day for the next 90 days and burn it off without eating another bite. the protein that I am eating is just replenishing my muscle structure.

he has none, I knew this going in, he is not an enabler, he is not there to validate my needs, he is just a tool. fine. back in 3 months and tthhhbbbb~~~~ I will be skinny, so THERE! heehee. what a twirp!