Sunday, June 17, 2007

what I have learned this weekend

food. OMG. for those that are not at goal do not get in the habit of having contraband in the house.

if I have animal crackers in the house, I eat them obsessively.

if I oreos in the house, I eat them obsessively.

if I have trail mix in the hosue, I eat it obsessively

if I bake anything yummy in the house, I eat them obsessively.

this week I baked cupcakes, no frosting, I ate them obsessively.

I made a coconut cake, it is slowly dwindling away. finally getting the 'fulfilled feeling' from the sweets. I just make the cake per the recipe, no added sugar, no frosting, so I do not feel guilty enough eating it.

yesterday though I was a bad bad bad bad bad mambojamma, we were at the mall, I was STARVING... I had cottage cheese and peaches for breakfast, a whole can of lentil / vegetable soup for lunch, so walked down to get a water, seriously, that was what I planned, stopped at great American cookie, got the boys each a water. got them each a sugar cookie.

at this point, you have to say, JUST WALK AWAY right?

I got a large root beer no ice, and two cookies and nearly inhaled them. I knew I was going to dump, I couldn't believe that I was able to inhale them, but I did. I waited another 40 minutes on my husband to finish his shopping and we went to dinner and I was able to consume about 3x my normal post op food at the sweet tomatoes buffet.
I do not seem to have learned a damn thing in the last year. okay I have LEARNED but I have also be able to slip right back in there.

yes I used to eat only two cookies and drink a large root beer. no I never really went back for ginormous portions, I was able to maintain my obesity on relatively small portions. my husband was dumb founded by it. I would eat three slices of pizza, he would eat 7, he would lose weight I would gain it.

I feel for those that are not at goal. for those that are continually refocusing. I do not know why we as a collective are programed this way, that it continues to be a battle 12 months out. we knew the simple concept that less is more before surgery. we still know it. we know what it takes to loose, if we go back to the basics, eat what we did 1 month post op instead of what it takes to stretch our pouch, we can continue to lose.

I know that cakes are not good for me. I know that cookies are not good for me. I know that root beer is not good for me. and yet. here I am, still doing it. I may be able to maintain with my 'mal-absorption' feature and continue to do what I am doing right now. but I seriously doubt it.

I THINK that I am focusing on protein when I have a bowl of cottage cheese for breakfast, and the 1/2 cup of peaches on top are really my fruit serving for the day. but seriously, we are talking about 8 oz of cottage cheese and 4 oz of peaches in one sitting. that is a lot of food considering.

and it must not have done any good, because I finished it 20 minutes ago and I am already on my third handful of nuts / raisins / chocolate trail mix snack. I know that I NEED to go down and fill up on fluids. I do KNOW this. I just don't WANNA. for some reason my whole being balks at the idea of consuming PLAIN water. I know what is right and wrong, I just do not wanna.

now lunch today will have to be something with substance, because it is obvious that the slider food is killing me. and it is not that I am gaining or losing or anything to do with the scale. I am totally looking at this from a behavior management issue because while this month I seem to have a get out of jail free card and I can do what ever I want, this is not a good cycle to get into.

somewhere today I talked about frustration at not being able to drink a coffee without dumping, it so totally frustrates me that I on cream of wheat twice. that is the trigger that send me irritatingly to the betty crocker cookbook if I on something as wholesome as cream of wheat, then what the hell, I might as well on something yummy like cupcakes. darnit! stinkin thinkin will get you every time. reflecting back, I am sure it was the butter in the cream of wheat and not the cream of wheat it self that kicked my butt into the bathroom, which makes me even more disgrunted at myself, I should know better. I can not have 1/2 and 1/2 or even milk in my coffee what makes me think that I can have butter in my cereal?

I just want to scream. I know what sabotaged me this week, I know what I did to retaliate, which really sabotaged me last night. you would think that a person of my education (three college degrees) would get a freaking clue!!!!!

today is a new day, and having good feedback is a good thing. thank you.

I had my breakfast, a liberal serving of protein a la peaches

I should have had something great for lunch, but a las, I had a slice of coconut cake because it was JUST SITTING THERE calling my name. I had a ton of trail mix, so I got some protein in there.

and I made me some coffee... btw, if you'all wanna know what it is, it is Louetta Blend from HEB and it is to die for. I mix 1/2 caffeine and 1/2 decaffeine to take the edge off. I grind it fresh, one pot at a time, 2 heaping scoops of beans, and 6 cup mark for the water, makes about 3/4 of a 32 oz cup full which I consider a cup of coffee. not sure about those people that have a 10-12 oz cup, just seems wierd heehee I have a reverse osmosis filter (fresh filters this week) so the water is amazing, second closest would be Ozarka Spring Water. today I only added 1.5 table spoons of splenda, no milk to see if that is the cause of the , my body temperature had risen significantly, first sign of dumping, but no serious shakes at this point, always a good sign.

I had 'assumed' that once I got the weight off that the word 'diet' which is not really a healthy word would not be as much of an issue since after all, I would have a permanently small pouch and a mal-absorption tool FOREVER. well that pouch is bigger and for the most part I do not
as much as I thought I would over the evil stuff and yet I do over stuff that I think should be okay. it is a weird paradox.

HORMONAL oh baby, talk to me!!! I know about the carb fest with the hormones.. whoa nelly, do I ever. I think that I am okay, I know that I am more away, life is just so freaking complicated. ;)

looking at some back issues and side issues and all those peripheral issues, as a child of an alcohol I really do not want to even consider that I have had or would ever have an addiction of any kind, that would indicate that I have an issue that I simply at this time can not deal with and refuse to accept.


but I think for some reason, there was supposed to be a majic wand that was waved by my surgeon while I was on the table that would solve my problems if I simple accepted that I would have a tiny pouch and that if I consumed sweets and fats that I would barf and that if I was not careful I would become dehydrated. and that I had to consume vitamins all the time.

what about all the other issues? surely those went away with my life savings? I swear.. I do not want to think about tracks, or will power or anything I just want it all to be magical.


and I could be totally whining in my beer, I could just be at this magical stage for the next 32 years, nibble here, snack there, gobble here and chow down there. but I have a sneaking suspicion that is NOT the case. I feel like the meal is done, the deserts are on the table, and that THE CHECK IS COMING and SOMEONE has to pick up the tab. heehee