Friday, February 01, 2008

two steps back

from the other side of the fence. I am at goal. I am in the size that I only dreamed about when I was 17.

I have muffin rolls.. I look like the michelin man.

however, when I ask my dh, he is all like, oh baby, I want you every minute of everyday. but he wanted me like that before I got skinny.

at one point, I was nakid, and from the back, he said onetime that I look perfect, all my skin is from boobs to pelvic bone.

what I am finding this week is that I am on the scale every single day and it is creeping up. .5 a lb here and there to where I am starting to get sick with worry but I am still nibbling on that Kaluha Chocolate Pudding Chocolate Cake with Cappuccino icing and each time I do it, I swear, when this is gone, I will never bake again.

I switched and got a full plate last night, big mistake, but It was just irritating me to no end that I was not eating off of a grown up plate, I took 80% of what my husband took as a portion, and I ate 75% of it, I actually scrapped off about what I should have taken. but I am just frustrated with how much work I have had to go through.

it is not that I do not get support, I get tons. it is not that my husband is not adoring my body, he loves it, fat, thin, he doesnt care. seriously. it is just my own issues. what I am willing to settle for and right now I find that I am willing to settle and allow those 7 lbs to come back and I wonder if I am willing to gain 1 extra pound a month, maybe I am dumb enough to allow that to continue for the next 24 months and then I will be on my way to the next level. allowing it all to go back, because it already has to some extent. I do not eat three times a day anymore, I graze and grab what I can when I think about it. hover mints and candies at my desk because I do not stop to think about me, I feel pressured from myself to get everything done.

I am putting myself back under the 'super mom' mode. be there for the kids at school. be there for the kids at cub scouts. be there for the grand baby. be there for my daughters. be there for my customers. be there for my friends. be there for my career development. be there for my finances. be there for my home and yard. be there for every other bloody thing. it is just as if I have not learned a freaking thing in the last two years.