Saturday, March 06, 2010


you know, I would never have even concieved that I was a food a holic but the stress over the last 2 years had completely done me in.

I have regained 30 lbs past my goal weight, not the lowest weight, we will not even GO THERE.

I have restarted fit day and I brought out the scales and the itty bitty bowls and am recording and evaluating my life style down to the gram.


Fat 58.9 523 55 %
Carbohydrate 81.3 310 32 %
Protein 30.8 121 13 %

I struggled all day with snacking and portions and desperately hated every moment of it.

there is no excuse, not the 3 year old that can not walk as fast or as far, not the bike that doesn't have a trailer hitch, not the hypoglycemia that spins my world without notice, it was SUCH a HARD day. I was tired and angry and frustrated with myself all day. and let me be the first to say that menopause sucks, I am swathed in wool and freezing to death and it is a balmy 49F outside. I am miserable.

I already paid for this tool, the first year could have killed me, and the tool works I just do not seem to be able to completely break away from the cycle of stress eat gain stress eat gain. part of me hates that I have to revisit portions and wow did I have a moment when I had to start measuring yesterday. I had been okay with most of my portions but I was able to sneak in extras. Now with fitday I am tracking and keeping the portions down and of course this site has back to basics since we are not alone and that is free. I like free.

4 years ago I had surgery and beat my goal.

today I am not not able to get into the fat pants that I had for after goal. it has been a crushing realization for me. I am headed back up and find it all to easy to excuse each pound that I pack on.

yesterday, I made a choice, and going back to the basics and using fitday and finding things to do outside of the house and away from the computer so that I am not watching the clock all the time waiting for my next snack.

I have regained 30 lbs over my goal weight. fortunately, I never abused my pouch, so I am good there, I just have to watch my portions, dodge my snacks, and cut out all the fluffy carbs. I know the drill, but I do not want to go it alone

vitamins.. fluids.. and distractions.. I just need to counteract all the stress of an extra large family and the tendency to put out each fire before seeing to my own needs and that was right where I was this time four years ago. letting the kids dictate the emergency instead of my putting my own oxygen mask on first.

happy to say that my house is now freshly painted and looks great. and I was able to stay under my target goal of calories today, on top of that the calories burned exceeded the calories consumed. 2 days down, and a million to go. I have given myself 15 weeks to lose the 30 lbs.

it is hard to say no, but when you see so many giving so much, you feel awful if you do not give yourself.

I have a son in law that is preparing for his second tour in Afghanistan, I volunteered to take care of the three year old since my daughter is working two jobs. little did I know that the little pill is THREE and an ONLY child and has been around the Platoon of MARINES for so long that he is now very aggressive, has a little potty mouth on him, and needs to learn the word NO and to be much more civilized before he can be accepted into polite company. he seems to have learned every bad trait of an enlisted person and none of the ones that would have come from his great grandfather that was an officer. it will take me quite some time to bring about a positive change in him. But a change is needed.

I have a special needs daughter, she is screamingly bipolar, she is doing her very best, she is living on her own in another state, going to college full time, coping with a lot of challenges that she can face for the most part 80% of the time in her TIGGER state, and the other 20%, sends her spiraling into a depressed EEYORE state. when she has money, she is the hostess with the mostess, and when she is flat broke, she is desperately depressed. I am helping out with expenses like books but she is responsible for everything else and it is hard to be so tough on her, but if I were to cover ALL of her expenses, she would take advantage of that and take more. But I feel that she will appreciate it more if she has of the hardship of going to college, not just the showing up when she feels like it.

And then there are the boys that are still at home, we are still struggling with all the life lessons that we have to teach. Economy and responsibility, empathy and sympathy, manners and civility. it seems like a never ending battle, but I do not have time to let up and let issues slide. Being active in swimteam, tri-athalon-ing, scouting, and homeschooling, and running a house is a full time job. Even so, I had to let go of a lot of 'volunteering' requests, from church and community was extremely hard, but I had to do it. many assume that a stay-a-home has unlimited time to give, but sadly, that is not the case.

Even today, as I have 1 week to prepare my house for my parents to come for an extended stay ( a couple of months) I have already been up for 2 hours, cleaned two rooms of the house, (kitchen is like a never ending battle) and finally got some me time. I have to constantly evaluate my priorities, what is most important to me, that I am freezing to death, and need some more carbs in my body, or that I need to lose some of the extra pounds? I should just give up and go down stairs and make some oatmeal, accept that this is my life, and eat, even though I have been putting it off for two hours, and I SHOULD be able to go another.

having to choose between being a healthy weight and surviving hypoglycemia and all that entails, being lactose intolerant and the diet restrictions that leaves me with, THIS IS SO STINKING HARD!