what happened next? was it the three special needs children and countless hours in IEP and ARD meetings? Was it living up to my own expectations of excellence that I set as the gold bar of parenthood?
I have always believed that the children that I was blessed with were truly a gift from god. that they were hand picked to be raised and guided and protected by me. If they failed to reach a milestone, that was my personal failing, if they deviated from the course, I had not given them the right guidance. If they had a personal struggle, I was to listen, suggest, guide and direct. If they were not prepared for life, I had failed my calling. I always thought if I could just get them graduated from high school I would be 'done', a success, and my job complete. then I thought, well if we can get the grand baby to 1st birthday, I would be 'done', a success, and my job complete. then I thought, if we can just get through one miltary war zone deployment, I would be 'done', a success, and my job complete. then I thought, If I can just get them through a semester of college, I would be 'done', a success, and my job complete. then I thought, okay, if I could just get them through a divorce and the grandkids safe, the daughter on the way to a healthy place, I would be 'done', a success, and my job complete. then I thought, what if I do not survive all this? what about the fact that I am going deaf? what about the fact that I am going blind? what about the fact that I know I am not going to get out of this alive, but I was sure I would be around longer than this?
I used to think that I could do all things if I just had someone that believed in me, truly thought that I was genius. It was a short lived fleeting dream. Eventually you discover that part of being human is that no matter what, you are not brilliant, you are not a genius and even if you are technically one, no one really cares, and more importantly, they really do not like the fact that you are one and are constantly looking for situations and examples to disprove that you really are anything more than just a little less than they are. a little less smart. a little less wise. a little less healthy. a little less responsible. a little less consistent. a little less pretty. they discover what you knew all along. you are old. ugly. fat. crazy. obsessive. fallible. human. anything to take away from the talents that you posses. I want to met the girl that was Most Ferociously Determined person again. I miss her.